by Bush, Holly
“Does he know he’s going to be a father?” Mildred asked.
Julia nodded. “I told him just as I got on the train.”
“Well, well, well,” Mildred said. “What a fix you two have gotten yourselves into now.”
“Should I have gone with him?” Julia asked.
Mildred poured herself more tea. “No, I don’t think so, dear. I think more than anything you need some time alone to lick your wounds and sort out the last few months.”
“I’ve been such a child, Aunt Mildred,” Julia said. “Why I ever waited this long to claim Jillian is suddenly inconceivable. Maybe Jake’s right.”
“I can only imagine what daily living with my nephew’s wife is really like. Jane can be quite forceful. And don’t scold yourself now. It’s over. You’re a grown woman, Julia Shelling,” Mildred said. “What’s done is done.”
* * *
Jake was sitting at his kitchen table drinking coffee when the back door opened and Flossie came in his kitchen. He had spent the last evening and nearly the whole morning thinking about what he was going to do about Julia. He could have kicked himself for being so high-handed in Boston. He should have apologized but he was so damn mad at her family for hurting her the way they did, he couldn’t see straight. If she wanted to go to Delaware then he should have taken her there instead of arguing with her. But all he could think about was home. It had taken a two day train ride to realize home was where Julia was, wherever that was. On their ranch, in Delaware, it didn’t really matter.
“Jake,” she said. “Where’s Julia?”
“Glad to be home, sis,” he replied and stood to pour more coffee in his mug. “Thanks for asking.”
Flossie unwrapped the scarf from around her neck and stamped her boots. “Don’t tell me you didn’t bring her home.”
“She didn’t want to come home, Flossie,” Jake said.
“Where’d she go?”
“Delaware.”
Flossie poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down and waited. “What happened, Jake?”
“You should have heard the things they were saying to her,” he said. “That her sister was the ‘better suited’ partner for that low sack of shit that’s her brother-in-law. That they didn’t know what man Jillian belonged to anyway.”
Flossie’s eyes rounded. “Oh my God, Jake! What did Julia say?”
Jake wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “She was shaking all over. Thought she’d fall down when she got out of her chair. But her chin was up. She didn’t back down an inch. Not an inch.”
The kitchen was quiet other than the sound of Jake’s breathing and the clock ticking on the mantel in the living room. The picture of Julia facing her family floated through his consciousness. But the vision that held him was of his wife at the train station when she kissed his cheek.
“Julia’s expecting,” he said. He looked at Flossie. “I’m going to be a daddy twice over.”
“Ah, Jake,” Flossie said. “I’m so glad for you.”
“The thing is Julia’s still got it in her head what I said about her not being a good mother. She’s going to be a great mother.”
Flossie smiled. “Don’t tell me, Jake Shelling. Tell your wife.”
He nodded. “I think you and Gloria were right. I don’t think I could have hurt her worse than saying what I said. She already thought she was doing a lousy job of it, and I go on and say what I did. Then I go and let my pride and being mad get in the way of saying I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say to her, Flossie.”
“Start with ‘I’m sorry’,” Flossie said and stood and pulled her coat on.
“I don’t know that’ll be enough,” Jake said.
“Give her a little while,” Flossie said as she leaned down and kissed her brother’s cheek. “Give her a little time.”
Jake started a letter to Julia ten times over. Every single one he balled up and threw in the fire. What he needed to say, he needed to say face-to-face with his wife.
* * *
“No. I won’t apologize,” Jillian shouted at Julia. “I don’t want to live here.”
Julia rose from her seat at Mildred’s dining room table. “Follow me, Jillian,” she said as she rounded the table and headed to the staircase. She waited at the door of her room for five minutes for Jillian to appear. She motioned her daughter inside and closed the door.
“I will not have you speaking to Aunt Mildred that way, Jillian,” Julia said. “Would you like to stay here in your room while I finish my supper? Because you’re not coming back to the table until you apologize.”
“I hate you,” Jillian said. She ran past Julia and threw herself across the bed.
Julia sat down. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I may be disappointed in what you do or say, but I’ll never, ever hate you.”
Jillian turned her head to see Julia’s face. “Ever?”
“Never,” Julia said and shook her head. “I know this has been difficult for you. But it will get better. I promise.”
“What if Mother comes for me? She always treated me different, and Jolene hated me,” she said.
Julia sat back on the bed and pulled Jillian into her arms. “It doesn’t matter what Mother does. You’re staying with me. And I don’t imagine your Aunt Jolene will be visiting, so it won’t matter what she thinks of you.”
“I liked Jake,” Jillian said. “Doesn’t he like me either?”
Julia kissed her daughter’s head. “He loves you,” she said.
“How would he love me? He doesn’t even know me,” Jillian asked
“He loves you because he loves me,” Julia said and fought the tears welling in her eyes.
“Then if he loves you, why are we living at Aunt Mildred’s?”
* * *
It had been a little over a week since their arrival in Delaware, and Julia had spent the days taking short walks in the cold weather, reading with Jillian, or just talking about everyday things. Jillian was quiet but seemed less wary and angry. She had even played checkers with Mildred one evening.
“I win!” Jillian said.
“Yes, you did,” Aunt Mildred said. “Again.”
“It’s bedtime now, Jillian,” Julia said. She pushed her needle through the fabric of her needlepoint. “Winifred will help you change.” Jillian kissed Julia’s cheek.
“Good night. Good night, Aunt Mildred,” Jillian said.
“Well,” Mildred said as the door to the drawing room closed. “That was done with less hysterics than other evenings.”
“She has been a trial,” Julia said. “But she seems to be settling in finally.”
“And you, Julia? Are you settling in?” Aunt Mildred asked.
“We’ve imposed long enough, haven’t we?” Julia said.
“That is not what I meant,” Aunt Mildred said with a smile. “You know you may stay as long as you like or forever for that matter. I’ve enjoyed having you immensely and will miss you and Jillian both when you go.”
“I suppose I should begin house hunting,” Julia said. She dropped her needle work in her lap and sighed. “But I manage to find a reason to put it off day after day.”
Mildred folded the checker board and sat back in her chair. “I wonder if it’s because you already have a house. A home as well. Just not here in Delaware.”
Julia envisioned her sister-in-laws at her kitchen table, and her sitting room with its new wallpaper, and acres and acres of corn. “I miss it dreadfully. I miss Flossie and Gloria and the children. I miss everything and everyone.”
“And your husband? I’m sure you miss him as well,” Mildred said.
Julia closed her eyes. Jake’s face was before her as if she could reach out and touch him. Swinging her around in a great bear hug when he came home for his supper. Listening to her plans with the house. As she left him at the train station, holding his hat and staring at her.
“I didn’t know anything could hurt as much as this,” Julia said. “I miss him desperately. I told
Jillian he still loves me. It came out without thought. As if I know it but won’t admit it. Or maybe just wish it.”
Mildred rose and sat down beside Julia on the settee. She picked up her hand and squeezed. “Then go, Julia. Don’t leave one of life’s rare chances go by the wayside for fear of failure or hurt pride or anger or anything else. Tell him you love him. Tell him you miss him. It doesn’t matter any longer why you were angry. It doesn’t matter what your mother says or does any longer. None of it matters. Be honest with yourself and with him. Regardless of what you think he might do or say. Do it and say it for you.”
Julia lay in bed long after she heard the last creek of a floor board. The night moon was shining and Julia wondered if Jake was staring at that same moon. Did she care any longer that Jake had read her letter? Could he ever forgive her for her deceit? Would he have said he was sorry for hurting her if she’d given him the opportunity? Did it matter who was sorry first or most? She would never know the answer to any of it as long as she was in Delaware. She had things to say to her husband.
* * *
Julia packed the last of her and Jillian’s belongings in her trunk and stood up to stretch her back. She pinned her hat in her hair and rang for Richard to carry her luggage. She and Jillian were catching the train to South Dakota that morning. She was nearly at the last step when Mildred’s doorbell rang.
“Just set my things anywhere, Richard,” Julia said. “That’s probably Aunt Mildred’s company. Although it is quite early.”
Jillian and Mildred walked in to the foyer hand in hand and Jillian was clutching the velvet box that the girl had so much coveted during her stay. Richard was opening the door and Julia smiled at Mildred. “What do you say, dear?” Julia said to her daughter.
“I’m sorry,” said a familiar voice from the threshold. “I’m sorry, Julia.”
“Jake!” Julia said as she turned. He was standing just inside the doorway, twirling his hat in his hand.
“I should have never read that letter from your mother, let alone judge you for what you did. I should have come with you to Delaware if that’s what you wanted. I was just so damn angry at the things your mother said, I couldn’t think straight or see it from your point of view. I’m sorry, Julia. For all of it.”
Jake looked down at the luggage on the floor and back to her.
“Did you find a house?” he asked. “Are you going there today?”
Julia’s lip trembled. “Oh yes, Jake. I found a house. I am going there this morning.” She walked slowly to her husband. “It has a red front door and acres of corn, and I miss it something awful.”
* * *
Julia leaned her head against the train window. Jillian had long ago fallen asleep and Jake was across from her, his hat over his face. She took a deep breath and smiled, a relaxed contented smile, not shadowed by worry and doubt and fear. She stared out the window into the black night and listened as the train rolled and hummed its way over the Pennsylvania landscape. She looked up and saw Jake watching her.
“I can’t imagine living with your mother, day in and day out,” he said. “I know she’s your mother and I should respect her, if for no other reason than she gave me you. But I’m struggling. She’s not kind is she?”
Julia harrumphed a laugh. “Kind? That’s a word never associated with Jane Crawford. But she is my mother. I’ve got to find a way to forgive her or at least stop hating her.”
“I think you did the best you could do under the circumstances. I think I judged you without fully understanding how difficult your life was and that you believed what they said about you.”
“Of course, I believed it, Jake,” Julia said. “When you have no basis for comparison, I assumed my life was normal. That the way I felt, the way Mother made me feel, was perfectly natural. I didn’t find out until recently that I was very wrong.”
Jake leaned forward in his seat and gathered her hands in his. He looked her in the eye. “I should have never said that you wouldn’t be a good mother. I am sorry. It isn’t true. You’re going to be a wonderful mother to Jillian, now that you’ll have your chance, and there is not another woman in the world that I would want to carry my sons and daughters and raise them.”
Tears filled Julia’s eyes. “You don’t have to say that, Jake. It was terrible of me to . . .”
“No,” Jake whispered and shook his head. “I won’t let you think ill of yourself or the choices you made. You did what you thought best in the circumstances you were in. Maybe I should have sold the farm and taken Gloria and Flossie to town to live after my parents died. She wouldn’t have a six inch scar on her cheek if I had. But I did the best I could and so did you. I won’t let you talk poorly about yourself.”
“I love you, Jake Shelling. I will love you until the day I die. I hope we have a house full of children to love and raise.”
Jake nodded and smiled. “Our first one is right there, sleeping on your shoulder, and our second one will be here just in time for the crops to come in. A house full of family sounds wonderful to me.”
Epilogue
Julia didn’t think anything could have looked quite as good as her little house in South Dakota. Jake had just carried her trunk to their bedroom. Julia pulled her hat from her head and watched Jillian as she looked around.
“It’s nothing like the house in Boston,” Julia said. “But it’s ours.”
“Do I have a room?” Jillian asked.
“You sure do,” Jake said as he came into the kitchen. “Your Aunt Gloria’s old bedroom. You’ll have to get to town and pick out some new paint. I imagine your mother will be wanting to fuss over it, and we’ve got some Christmas presents to buy.”
“For who?” Jillian plopped down in a chair. “Can I pick the color?”
“Yeah, you can. You and I will be doing the painting too.”
Julia was heating water on the stove. “I’ll paint it, Jake. I don’t mind.”
“Oh, no, you won’t, Julia,” Jake said. “You’re expecting, and I won’t have you doing anything more than putting on your stockings.”
“Don’t be silly Jake,” Julia said. She watched her husband’s face. He had the same look as he did when she’d gone out that day to pick corn. He was trying desperately to not shout. Julia smiled. “Fine, Jake. If you don’t want me painting, I won’t paint.”
Julia turned when the door opened. Flossie, Harry, Danny and Millie came in with a whirl of winter wind. Millie ran straight at Julia, and she picked up her niece and swung her around in the air. “I missed you,” Julia said. Danny was smiling up at her and she bent down and kissed his hair. “I missed you, too.”
“We missed our French lessons, Aunt Julia,” Danny said.
“Give your Aunt a minute to catch her breath. She doesn’t even have her coat off,” Flossie said. “Harry saw your wagon coming over the rise, and I couldn’t wait one more second to meet my new niece.”
Flossie held her hands to her face when she looked at Jillian. “Dear Lord! What a little beauty. Your cousins are about dying to meet you. This is Danny, and that one jumping up and down is Millie. Your Uncle Harry’s the one dragging snow in on your mother’s clean floor.”
Jillian laughed.
“Well, what do you think?” Flossie asked. “Do you like it here so far?”
Jillian shrugged. “I don’t know yet. This place is a long way from town. What do you do all day?”
The back door opened again and in came Gloria and Will carrying the baby.
“Joshua,” Julia said. “Let me see him.” Gloria kissed her cheek, and Will handed over the baby. Julia cuddled the newborn and kissed his downy hair. “He’s gotten so big.”
“Where’s my new niece?” Gloria said. She wrapped her arms around Jillian. “We’ve been waiting forever to meet you.”
Jillian submitted to Gloria’s hugs and said a quick yes when asked if she wanted to hold the baby. She was seated at the table with Millie and Danny on each side of her.
“Why don
’t you come home with me this afternoon, Jillian? I’ll show you some of the things we do all day. We’ve got to get dinner ready for ten. I could use the help,” Flossie said.
“Ten?” Jillian asked.
“I figured I’d cook tonight since your mother wouldn’t have time to get anything started,” Flossie said and leaned close to Jillian. “Millie and Danny are too young, but I’ll bet you’re a big help.”
“I guess I could,” Jillian said. “Mother? Can I go to Aunt Flossie’s? She needs help with dinner.”
Julia nodded. She would cry if she spoke. Jillian had called her Mother. Jake ambled over and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
“That’s fine, Jillian,” Jake said. “Your mother and I will be over close to supper time.” Jake looked at Flossie. “Best get going then. The snow’s really coming down. And I want to get home early. I don’t want Julia getting over tired, and Jillian’s got a long day ahead of her tomorrow.”
“What am I doing tomorrow?” Jillian asked.
“Slim picked out a pony for you. You’ve got to see to its stall and food,” Jake said.
Jillian’s eyes lit up. “A pony. Of my own?”
“Can’t have you living in South Dakota and not be able to ride,” Jake said with a smile. “Everybody best get going.”
“Jake!” Julia said.
“We’ll see them in an hour or two,” he said.
Harry and Will were snickering. Gloria and Flossie pulled on their coats.
“Bye, Flossie. We’ll be there for supper,” Jake said as he closed the door on his sister with a bang.
“Dear Lord, Jake,” Julia said. “You nearly slammed the door in her face.”
Jake took her hand and led her up the steps. He pulled her into their bedroom and kissed her till her knees went weak.
“We haven’t had two minutes alone together,” Jake said as he wrapped his arms around her. “I’ve been aching to kiss you right and proper with nobody looking.”
Julia smiled and touched his cheek tenderly. “I’ve missed your kisses so much. I’ve missed your hugs, too.”