“What if I asked you to stay?” he asked, even though he had to force the words out.
“We were going to end sometime.” She shrugged one bare shoulder. “You made it plain on several occasions that you’re not looking for anything long-term. Maybe it’s better that we end on a high note instead of letting it drag out.”
How could she be so calm about this? His heart thundered against his ribs. Did the time they’d spent together mean so little to her? Then he saw her hand tremble as she tucked a curl behind her ear and his chest crushed in on itself. Della Walsh wasn’t any calmer about this than he was.
And she was right—he wouldn’t marry again. Wouldn’t let himself get close enough to another person to rely on them, or trust them implicitly. Why not end it now instead of weeks or months down the line? In fact, if they stayed together and things deteriorated, it would only make their business dealings more awkward. Now was the best time. So why was his stomach clenched hard as a rock, as if he might lose his breakfast at any moment?
“This doesn’t feel right.” He ran a hand down his face, trying to clear his mind.
She gave him a tremulous smile. “That’s because you’re too used to getting your own way.”
“Perhaps you’re right.” He sank down on the side of the bed again, ready to face her departure like a man.
“You should never have taught me to tell you to go to hell.”
He took her hand and threaded their fingers together. “A mistake I won’t repeat.” He pulled her hand over and kissed her knuckles. “Della, I want you to know…”
He frowned. How did he tell her what was inside? There weren’t words for what he was feeling. Yet he owed it to her to at least try. “I don’t want to marry again, or even have something permanent with a woman. But if I did want that—if I was capable of it—it would be you.”
A single tear slipped from her eye and curved its way down her cheek before she withdrew her hand from his to wipe it away. “I’d better get going,” she said, reaching over the side of the bed for her clothes. “I need to meet with Captain Tynan, and tell Cal, Jody and the rest of the medical team.”
Della slipped from his bed, quickly dressed, dropped a kiss on his cheek then disappeared from his room. From his life. And, with his head a jumble of confusion, Luke watched it happen, powerless to do anything to stop it.
Twelve
Della eased into a chair at the nurses’ station and rubbed her eyes before blinking down at the medical chart of the patient she’d just seen in the emergency room. Getting used to shift work again would take some time. Especially when she spent most of the hours when she should be sleeping lying in bed and thinking of Luke. The way he smiled. The way he said her name. The way he made love to her. Sighing, she took a long sip from her water bottle then screwed the cap back on and took a pen from the top pocket of her white coat.
Slipping back into life on land had been unexpectedly simple. The morning she’d told Luke she was leaving—had it really been just five days ago?—she’d also told Captain Tynan. He’d been happy for her to approach Dr. Oliver, who’d covered for her while she was in Melbourne. Jane Oliver had not only been keen to apply for the job but, hoping to make a good impression on the captain, had offered to fill in until the interviews were held, and had caught a flight from Australia to Wellington that afternoon.
While waiting for her replacement to arrive, Della had packed her bags—shipboard life meant she didn’t own much—then rung the hospital where she’d worked in Melbourne. They were short-staffed and had been pleased to give her some locum work, starting as soon as she’d like. She’d also called her parents, who’d been thrilled by the chance to see more of her, and offered her a bed for as long as she wanted. Not wanting to give herself thinking time and risk losing her courage, she’d accepted both offers.
Once Dr. Oliver arrived aboard the Cora Mae, Della had done a quick hand over and left her in Jody’s and Cal’s capable hands. She’d already made her farewells to her friends, which she’d tried to handle quickly since she hated goodbyes. There had been a longer, more wrenching goodbye with Luke, though she’d managed not to cry, and hoped she’d at least kept her dignity intact.
Within fourteen hours of telling Luke she was going, she’d left the ship—her home—and caught a flight to Melbourne.
She’d expected the whole process might take weeks to organize, but it had fallen into place with alarming ease. And now here she was, living on terra firma, working at a hospital, just as she’d told Luke she would.
As she read over the notes she’d made in the medical chart, her mobile phone rang. Only a few people had her new number—the hospital, her parents, the crew of the Cora Mae…Luke. There were still a few details to sort out with the sale of her share of the ship, so she’d needed to give him a way to get in touch with her, despite knowing that prolonging their contact would only make it harder to get over him.
The new phone hadn’t rung often since she’d bought it a few days ago, but each time the ringtone sounded she tensed, wondering if it was Luke. Wishing it was. Hoping it wasn’t. Which was crazy—she had to get used to living her life without Luke Marlow in it.
Shaking her head at herself, she checked the number on the screen—it was one of the Cora Mae’s phone numbers. Her heart beat double-time as she answered.
“Good morning, Della.” The deep rumble of his voice flowed over her, sank down into her heart, where she ached for him, making it difficult to reply.
“Hello, Luke,” she finally managed, but the words felt stilted, formal. As if, after all they’d shared, they couldn’t have a normal conversation. She turned the swivel chair so she could look out at the hospital parking lot, and tried again. “It’s good to hear from you.”
“How have you been?”
“Busy. The hospital threw me in the deep end, with shifts in the emergency room starting the day after I came back, but busy is good.”
“Have you been okay?” His voice was gentle, probing. She knew what he was asking, of course. The plan to come ashore had been about facing her fears and she loved him all the more for checking.
“You know what? I really have been,” she said and bit down on a smile, proud of what she’d achieved. On the flight home from Wellington, she’d been almost sick with worry about how she’d cope back on land, in the town where Shane had been killed, where she’d almost died. It had been hard, but all in all not as bad as she’d built it up to be in her head.
After her first shift, she’d even visited the room where she’d been a patient, and found it no longer held the demons she remembered.
The hardest thing had been the comments about Shane from colleagues who remembered him, telling her how sorry they were. A couple of months ago she wouldn’t have been able to bear hearing such things, but now they merely evoked a well of sadness that she guessed would always be there. She’d moved further through her grief than she’d realized. Discovered she was stronger than she’d given herself credit for, and she had Luke to thank for part of that.
“I’m glad to hear it,” Luke said.
“How’s the Cora Mae and the repairs?” she asked brightly, needing to change the subject.
“Everything is on track. We spent an extra couple of nights in Wellington to allow for local tradesmen to work on the repairs, but the captain made up a bit of time across the Tasman Sea. We docked in Melbourne a couple of hours ago.”
“I didn’t realize.” How strange it was to not know the location of the Cora Mae after years of being so intimately acquainted with her schedule.
Luke cleared his throat. “Do you have any free time to drop down to the dock today? There are a couple of things I’d like to discuss with you.”
Her hands trembled; she dropped the pen on the floor and leaned over to pick it up. “Sure,” she said, trying to sound unaffected.
As if the world hadn’t just wobbled. She checked her watch. “I’m on a night shift and it ends in a couple of hours. Give me time for a shower after I finish and I’ll be there.”
“I’ll see you then.” He disconnected and Della was left staring at the phone in her hand, wondering why she’d so easily agreed to see him again so soon. Before she’d developed any distance from her feelings for him.
Given that her heart may never be free of him, perhaps it was better to get this meeting over and done with so she could go back to building her new life. Perhaps.
* * *
Her heart thumping a crazy tattoo, Della stepped into the Cora Mae’s lobby and glanced around. A few crew members smiled and waved as if she just been ashore for a quick visit, and she waved back. But something was different. There was a hum of tension in the air; too many pairs of eyes were tracking her movements.
She felt Luke’s presence before she saw him—a delicious shiver raced across her skin, and everyone else in the lobby seemed to slow to a standstill. The air no longer hummed, it crackled. She turned to see him walking toward her, so tall and broad and all that she wanted…
The aura of confidence that always surrounded him was there, but his gray gaze held a touch of uncertainty. From the corner of her eye she saw a crew member on the grand stairs lean over and whisper something to the person beside him. A sudden sense of déjà vu swamped her, remembering when Luke had boarded the Cora Mae on the day she’d first met him, but this time their roles were reversed—he belonged and she was the visitor that people were talking about.
And then Luke reached her and all thoughts of anyone but him flew from her mind. Her hands longed to reach up and stroke the planes of his face that she knew so well. Her lips tingled with the need to touch his. And her heart wanted him to take her in his arms and remove this distance between them.
“Della,” he said, his voice a husky whisper. “It’s good to see you.” He took her hands and leaned in to kiss her cheek. The brief touch of his lips was a moment of heaven, but all too soon he was drawing away, taking a piece of her soul with him.
“Hello, Luke.” She withdrew her hands, unable to endure the touch when she couldn’t have more.
His gaze dropped to where she’d severed the contact and a faint frown line creased his forehead, but it quickly vanished as he dug his hands into his pockets and flashed her a wholly unconvincing smile. “How about we go somewhere a little more private?”
Given that there seemed to be hundreds of eyes trained on them, she nodded. “Good idea.”
As he led her up the grand staircase, he didn’t touch her. In fact, he seemed to be deliberately ensuring that not even their arms brushed. She’d been the one to let go of his hand first, yet she couldn’t help but wish they still had the closeness where he could drape an arm around her waist, or he would welcome her reaching over and interlacing their fingers.
The stares followed them as they reached the next floor, and the strangeness of the atmosphere finally penetrated the claim Luke had made on her attention. She turned to him, her voice lowered. “Is there something else going on that I don’t know about?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, giving nothing away.
She double-checked her surroundings as they set off down one of the promenades. “There seem to be a lot of people watching us.”
He shrugged one broad shoulder. “You’re more than an average guest,” he said, echoing her words to him the day they met.
“So they’re watching me because of rumors?” she couldn’t resist asking and felt her mouth tug at the corners.
“I’m sure you understand that rumors pass quickly around a ship,” he said and guided her to the door to the Blue Moon. She hesitated on the threshold. This wasn’t a venue for business discussions, it was for dancing and drinking. The place she’d first felt Luke’s arms around her.
He held the door open for her and she tentatively took a step inside—it was empty now, closed until evening. “I thought you might want to talk in an office or a meeting room,” she said nervously.
He let the door softly close behind them and flicked a switch. Soft lighting filled the room from above and the twinkling fairy lights in the walls sprang to life. “This isn’t about business, and I wanted somewhere I knew we wouldn’t be interrupted.”
Her heart missed a beat then raced to catch up. “You said on the phone that there were a few details we need to iron out.”
“And there are,” he said, his voice solemn. He took her hand and led her to the middle of the polished dance floor. “But they’re details about us.”
Her breath hitched high in her throat. “What do you mean, us?”
“You and me.” He met her eyes steadily. “What we have together.”
She flinched. Seeing him again, having a conversation like this only emphasized the aching hollow inside her. “Luke, I don’t want to start up something again. I can’t.”
“I’m not talking about starting anything. What’s between us isn’t over,” he said, still holding her hand.
She squeezed her eyes shut for one breath, two, then opened them again and met his gaze. “We’ve discussed this. If there’s no future, then why would we prolong the ending?”
“Tell me something,” he said, his hand sliding from her fingers up to her arm. “Is us being apart what you want?”
The imprint of his hand on her arm burned through the fabric of her sleeve, so she took a step back, once again severing a physical connection.
“Luke, I have to be honest.” It seemed there was no other way to circumvent this conversation—the last thing she wanted was to open herself up for more pain, but she couldn’t see any other way to make him understand. She crossed her arms tightly under her breasts and exposed her heart. “My feelings for you were more than I expected. I can’t see you anymore. Please don’t ask me to—it would be emotional suicide.”
“Because your feelings were more than you expected or wanted,” he clarified, saying each word slowly, carefully.
“Please don’t make this worse.” Her voice wobbled, the final indignity. She turned to the door, escape the only refuge remaining. “If there’s nothing to discuss about the Cora Mae or the sale of my share, then—”
He stepped around so he was again in her line of vision, his face pale. “Della, I asked you to come today so I could tell you how grateful I am that you spent the time showing me the Cora Mae and convincing me to keep her cruising. That time you invested changed my life.”
She swallowed the sudden constriction in her throat. “I’m glad for you, Luke, but—”
“What I didn’t realize before you left was that the change was in more than just my opinion of the ship. I know now that the lifestyle I was so impressed with was only partly about the ship and cruising. It was also about you.”
“Luke—” she said, praying her tone was warning, but knowing it was probably pleading.
“The ship was different when you left—” he took an infinitesimal step closer “—as if you took something with you. It might be greedy but, Della, I want it all.”
His heart was in his eyes, and that stunned her more than anything he could say. For a charged moment, she didn’t respond. “All?” she finally said, her voice an octave higher than normal.
“I want the ships and you.” He took another step closer, till she could feel the body heat emanating from him, but he didn’t try to touch her this time. “And if I had to choose just one, it would be you.”
Something fluttered in the pit of her belly and she placed a hand over her stomach to calm it. “You’d give up the ships after rearranging your life to have them?”
He didn’t hesitate. “No question. I love you, Della. I was in love with you before you left but didn’t understand.” He speared his fingers through his hair. “Or perhaps I didn’t want
to understand.”
“What does that mean to you? For us?” she asked warily.
“It means I’m abandoning my stupid ideas about never marrying or letting anyone close. Once you were gone I realized that all I really need is you.” He tucked a curl behind her ear. “I thought I couldn’t trust anyone. I guess I was expecting people to abandon me, not stand by me in the tough times, but that’s not what you’re about. Your strength in moving on after such an awful past showed me up for what I was—an emotional coward. You’ve inspired me to want to face life fully. Hell, I want to grab life and live it to the hilt. With you.”
She tried to blink away the prickling burn behind her eyes but it wouldn’t ease. “Oh, Luke, I love you, too. So much.”
A shudder ripped through his body, and then he was there, hauling her against him, holding her close. She wrapped her arms around him, not sure she’d ever let him go. Luke loved her. It felt magical, a miracle, and she laughed even as the tears she’d been holding in check began to slip down her cheeks.
“I love you with everything inside me,” he murmured beside her ear, then pulled back and tenderly brushed her tears away with his thumbs. “Marry me. I know you’re keen to try living on land, and I promise that if you say yes, I won’t tie you down. We can live our lives ashore, or on the Cora Mae, or any combination you want. Nothing is more important than you.”
Her heart flipped over in her chest. It was even more than she’d dreamed of. “Yes,” she said and heard the tears in her voice. “To everything, yes.”
She twined her arms up behind his neck and kissed him, and knew she’d come home. If they never moved from this spot again, she wouldn’t mind—she could stay here in Luke’s arms, losing herself in his kiss forever.
But Luke eventually pulled away, slipping a hand into his pocket and retrieving a small velvet box. Trembling, she took the box and opened it to find a solitaire diamond sparkling up at her from its white-gold band. A tear slipped down her cheek—his choice of something simple and classic showed how well he knew her.
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