by Drew Sera
The Christmas parties had me nervous too. Colin said for the one with Everett Gaming he will be my primary Dom, and Anthony won’t be able to touch me much at all. From what Colin has said, people at work know that Colin is involved with me. I’ll make sure I don’t embarrass either of them. I’m having second thoughts about my dress too. It will show my collarbones some and they’re still messed up looking. I’m hoping Gina can work her make-up magic.
Being in a home with two very observant Doms made this morning more difficult for me. They can always tell when something is on my mind or when I’m not feeling well. I nearly threw up this morning before breakfast, which earned me lots of scrutiny from both of them. They kept me very close and kept feeling my forehead. Neither of them pushed me though, and Colin held me on his lap during breakfast. I managed to eat some toast and they were happy I had eaten that.
“Baby, if you’re not feeling well I want you to stay home instead of going to lunch and shopping with Gina.” He stroked my face and felt my forehead again. “Anth and I can take you shopping to help you find the warm pants and shoes.”
Anthony actually looks like he’s in pain when he knows I’m not feeling well. I feel bad that he’s so affected by that. I assured them that I would take it easy.
“Sunshine, are you nervous about the Christmas parties?”
I nodded at Anthony and put my head against Colin’s neck. They always calm me. Colin set his coffee cup down and wrapped both arms around me. I love when they do that because they make me feel so safe and secure. With them, I get affection without having to do anything to earn it. Of course, Howard never hugged me or held me or cuddled me like Colin and Anthony. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be held unless I do something good to earn it. Colin has told me over and over that affection doesn’t cost anything, and it’s a need of mine that he and Anthony will always meet. I love it when they just hold onto me. I feel so special and safe and I love the feeling that goes along with it.
“Baby, soon you will find that a lot of things that make you nervous now or cause you to second guess yourself, will be eliminated.” I knew they were speaking of the collar and my heart jumped. They had to be. “Did you and Gina talk about collars this week?”
“Yes, Sir. Gina said when Matt gave the collar to her, she stopped worrying about a lot of things. She said she knew she’d always be safe and never had to worry about things she used to worry about.”
After they left for work I went to the playroom to look at the play collar. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to. I’ve been putting it on while they're gone. It makes me feel connected to them even though they’re at work. I turned the lights on in the playroom and walked to the small table where my play collar usually was, but it wasn’t there. I looked on the floor, behind the table and walked around the room. It was gone. My heart began to pound and my hands were drawn to my stomach.
My collar was gone.
Was I going to be gone too? Was this a sign? I couldn’t help the tears. I was so angry with myself. What did I do wrong? I couldn’t see clearly due to the tears and knelt down to the floor. I felt sick.
“What did I do?” I asked out loud. I tried thinking of a specific incident but all that I could think about was how I disappointed the guys to the point where they no longer wanted me. “You can’t do anything right, Sydney. You’re just a useless toy. You’re meant to occupy someone for a few hours and that’s it. Nothing more. Why would these guys be happy with you?” I cried harder as I heard my own voice berate me.
I pushed myself off the floor and swayed near the table where my play collar used to sit. I wiped my eyes and drug myself back to the kitchen. Why would they even want to take me to their parties? Well, I guess it was Colin. Anthony couldn’t touch me. He was the lucky one who got out of it. Poor Colin. Maybe they drew straws to see who the unlucky one would be. The party was tomorrow. Maybe Colin could still find a date. He was handsome and well put together and I’m sure anyone would love to have the opportunity to be by his side.
I was happy by his side, but I’ve screwed that up too.
I kept myself busy with cleaning up the kitchen and then I wrote in my notebook for a while. I felt out of sorts though but I think it was the nerves over so many things, and on top of which I was trying to figure out what I did wrong to make the play collar disappear. Maybe I’m reading into this too much. Deep breath. I owe it to them not to second guess them until they tell me otherwise. The photos, the Christmas parties and tonight at Irons all had me nervous. I was also thinking about bidding on Anthony’s rope evening, assuming I’m still around next Saturday. Even though I tried not to worry, I couldn’t help it.
I opened a blank page in my notebook and stared at it. Colin tells me that I can always put anything down in the notebook that I want to say to him and Anthony but am too afraid to voice it. Deep breath.
I don’t want to be without you guys. I love you both. I don’t want to go back to Howard. Please tell me if I’m doing something that makes you guys angry or want to get rid of me. I will fix it. I promise. I would miss the two of you.
I stared at my sad looking handwriting and thought about scribbling it out. No. Colin said for me to write from my heart without worry. I looked at the clock and put my notebook on the table in our sitting area of the bedroom. I felt cold and wished I had a long sleeve shirt on to wear under my jacket. I looked at the two closet doors that lead to Colin’s side and then Anthony’s side. Why on earth did I just put on a short sleeve shirt this morning? I glanced at the doors again, and as I walked closer, I noticed that Colin’s door was ajar and the light was still on. He forgot to shut it off before he left. I pushed the door open and stared. It was completely lit. I can do this. I took a step and stopped.
I couldn’t do this. As I was ready to give up and go downstairs to wait for Gina, I heard the sound of an incoming text. I pulled my phone from my back pocket. Anthony. I smiled and teared up when I read it.
AG: Sunshine - have a great time shopping with Gina. I’ll be thinking of you and your pretty pussy today. ;)
His winking smiley faces always got me. He melts my heart. So if he just sent me a text, then he had a few free minutes. Maybe I could call him and have him on the phone with me while I get a long sleeve shirt from the closet.
SB: What are you doing? Busy?
His response came right away and made me feel good. I sat down on his chair and pulled the throw around my arms. I loved this throw because it smelled like Anthony.
AG: I just got out of a meeting where Colin was longwinded. I’m never too busy for you. What are you doing? Gina should be there any minute now.
Um. Shit, how do I go about this? I wanted to call him. I closed my eyes trying to think quickly. How do I ask him if I can call him? If he’s with others in the office, it’ll look suspicious that he’s talking to me if someone were to see my name pop up on his phone. Anthony is very careful with his phone though. I’ve watched him with it. He never leaves it sitting out. But I don’t want to worry him. I jumped when my phone rang in my hands.
“Hello,” I said while trying to swallow a few times so the dryness would go away.
“Sunshine. Talk to me.”
Why do I tear up when he says things like that to me? I don’t mean to. And how does he always seem to know when I feel like this? Why is he so sweet and gentle with me? I tried to take a slow, deep breath before speaking so I could be sure my voice was under control.
“Are you feeling okay, sweetie?”
“Yes. Sorry. I meant to say, yes, Sir.”
I heard him exhale loudly, and then there was a long pause. Shit! Did I make him angry? I stood up and began to pace around the bedroom while I held a hand on my stomach.
“Um, sorry…I didn’t mean to bother you…I just…”
“Sunshine, listen to me…stop moving around. Where are you at in the house?”
“Bedroom.”
“Okay, go over to the dresser…now pick up the pictur
e frame with the three of us at Bellagio…Do you have it?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“You are very important to those two guys in that frame. You are not a bother to either of them at any moment.” He was quiet for a few moments as I lost myself in the picture. “So, talk to me, Sunshine.”
“I’m cold…I…want a long sleeve shirt to wear shopping…But…”
“Closet.”
“Yes. I thought if I had you or Colin on the phone that I could go in there and get it. Colin left his door ajar with the light on. I was trying to find the right way to ask you when I sent you the text.”
Anthony was quiet for a minute and it made me nervous.
“Oh, sweetheart…lets go. Tell me about where you and Gina are going this afternoon.”
While I made my way to Colin’s closet I told him about a few of the stores we were going to and that Gina wanted to do some present shopping for Matt. I left the part out about meeting with Blake and his friend to look at photos but picked it right back up about the snow pants shopping. I chatted the entire time and listened to him talking about the outdoor shop and before I knew it, I had my long sleeved shirt in hand and was back out in the bedroom.
“I got it!” I exclaimed once I was a safe distance from the closet. He kept me talking so I wouldn’t freeze up in there or dwell over it. How does he know what will help me? “Thank you, Sir.”
“You did it, sunshine. Not me.” He paused again while I looked at the photo on the dresser of the three of us. “Sydney, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I’m proud of you. I want you to eat something warm for lunch, okay?”
“Yes, Sir. And thank you again.”
He and I hung up, and I pulled the long sleeve shirt on and then went downstairs to wait for Gina. While the small conversation with Anthony made me feel better, I still worried about the play collar and it’s disappearance. I tried to conceal my sadness over the play collar. I hoped it wasn’t a sign that I was on my way out. A play collar might be as close as I get to a collar.
Gina came over at 11:30.
“Hey Syd, you don’t look so good. What’s wrong?”
I told her I was very nervous about the photos and the parties and the list went on. She told me to relax and let my Doms take care of everything. All I could think about on the drive was the empty table where the play collar used to sit.
When we arrived at Tuscany, Blake and Scott were already at a table and had drinks. They both smiled warmly at us, and Gina and I sat down. When our lunch came, I took a picture of my soup and grilled cheese sandwich and sent it to Anthony. He’d be proud of me knowing that I followed his instructions with having something warm to eat. When I set my phone down and looked up, Blake was staring at me smiling. Shit, that wasn’t smart of me to send a text from the table.
“Um, sorry about that. I…um…had a rough morning and talked with Anthony before coming here. He doesn’t know about this meeting, but I was upset over something else and he calmed me down. I was cold. Anyhow, he wanted me to get something warm for lunch…so I was just showing him. I want them to know I can follow directions.”
Blake hung onto every word I said, which was kind of weird. I wasn’t anything special. Just a sub, whereas Blake was something. Really, really something. But here he was, listening to me like I mattered. I swallowed hard and looked down at my lap when my phone made a noise. Without picking up my phone, I looked at the text.
AG: That’s my good girl ;)
I was his good girl. I was good. No, I am good. I couldn’t help but let my smile be seen and when I glanced up again, Blake was also smiling at the text. He pushed my spoon closer to me and nodded at my plate and bowl. I quickly began to eat while it was still warm.
“You know, Sydney, Anthony was more concerned with making sure you were okay and had something warm to eat versus following instructions.”
As I finished my soup, I thought about what Blake said. But if Anthony’s sub couldn’t follow directions, then what good was I?
“Sydney,” Blake said my name. Shit was that the third time he said it? I’ve got to pay attention. I whispered that I was sorry and looked back down and away from Blake’s stare. “Look at me, Sydney. Did I confuse you, dear?”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was confused. Shouldn’t Blake be telling me that following instructions should be my first priority as a sub? Why wouldn’t Anthony be happy to hear that I followed directions?
“Sydney, Anthony and Colin are far more concerned with your well-being than wether or not you listened to their instructions about lunch. I know that is hard for you to digest, so I’m going to tell you again very clearly…you, above your submission, matter the most to Anthony and Colin.”
I nodded slowly, still taking in the deeper meaning in Blake’s words. I finished my lunch quietly while Blake started up a conversation with Gina about her assisting Matt with his auction item this year. Gina eagerly talked about it and I half listened. I was still trying to grasp everything Blake said to me. Soon the topic drifted over to the photos and my stomach began to fall.
“Sydney, the photos came out great. I think you’re going to really like them,” Scott said as he opened a portfolio and tilted it so I could flip through it.
Oh. My. God.
I was shocked. This wasn’t me. Was it? No, it couldn’t be. I glanced a little closer and sure enough, it was me. It was me! I didn’t look horrible or like I had been stitched up like a monster.
Gina nudged me and when I shifted my eyes over to her I noticed I was teary. I laughed and looked back at the pictures.
“They’re me, Gina. I’m not a monster.” I was laughing and couldn’t help the tears from falling. Gina laughed along with me and gave me a sideways squeeze. I told Scott they were amazing and that he did an incredible job.
I kept looking at the portfolio and fell in love with the pictures of me in their football jerseys. Looking at myself in those jerseys really made me feel like I belonged to them. I was in their jerseys that bore their names on the backs. I touched my bare neck and said a silent prayer that somehow they would officially make me theirs.
Scott had a ton of photos and a lot of them were black and white or done with an antique look. They were soft looking and classy. I kept flipping through the photos and found the poses with the loose rope. My heart skipped a beat.
“Anthony,” I whispered out loud and touched the photo as if it were a figment of my imagination. That photo was done in color, then black and white and another in black and white with the rope being vibrant purple.
“These are amazing, Scott. They’re going to love the book.”
“I just took the photos, Sydney. You’re the one who made them what they are. Let’s talk about the book material.”
We went through the pictures again and he made notations of the numbers that we wanted to include in the book.
“Sydney, that rope one is going to make Anthony’s legs give out. Trust me. That photo will do him in,” Blake said while tapping the black and white one with the purple rope.
Through much discussion we decided on a black bound leather book. The spine of the book would say Colin and Anthony’s and the cover would say “Ours” in silver. I knew I’d write a special note to them inside the cover.
After lunch and making the final selections for the photo book, my nerves seemed to calm down some. Gina and I went to the ski store that Colin mentioned last night, and I tried on some warm pants. They were soft and unbelievably warm and I was able to decide on a couple. Gina also suggested that I get some warm socks and gloves.
While I was in the changing room, I got that sharp pain in my stomach that I get every now and then. I sat down on the seat in the changing room hoping it would pass quickly. Gina paced around outside of the door and was chatting about a new coat she got for the cabin. I only could concentrate on pieces of it though. I really didn’t feel good.
“Breathe, Sydney,” I whispered to myself while Gina was talk
ing. Whenever I get this pain in my stomach, Colin always gets me to focus on him and he tells me to breathe. Rather than bug him, I thought I’d try this on my own. It’s usually a few minutes of pain and then it goes away. A few deep breaths later and I felt better. I stood and managed to try on the snow pants slowly and I ignored the dull remaining ache as I pulled the pants together and buttoned them. I took another few breaths and exited the changing room with the pants.
“Is it going to be really cold up there, Gina?”
“Yeah, like the thirties if we’re lucky. But, Anthony’s cabin is state of the art and has heated floors. It may be in the middle of the woods but there’s nothing woodsy about the place.”
Heated floors? I never knew such a thing existed. Gina said that they have been going to Anthony’s cabin for Christmas ever since Matt rescued her. She and I talked more about the cabin as we shopped. From the things I’ve heard about the place I’m starting to picture it as a ultra modern castle nestled in the thick of the forest. I couldn’t wait to see the place and be near them for Christmas. I spent last year in my closet for Christmas and had been wrapped up in Christmas lights. I never knew those little bulbs could get so hot. I shook it from my mind and focused on finding some gloves.
“Do you guys ever build a snowman?”
“No, we haven’t done that. We’re usually out skiing during the day and then go into town for dinners and that sort of thing.”
I have always wanted to build a snowman. I might get the chance, so I selected the waterproof gloves. I asked Gina if Colin and Anthony ever took other subs up there. She laughed out loud and gave me a funny look.
“Are you kidding? Neither of them have ever had a relationship that was serious enough to bring to Christmas. Certainly not Anthony. He kept all his playing in Irons. Nothing outside of it. Colin had dated and that sort of thing, but never brought anyone to Christmas. From what Matt had told me, Colin dated when he wanted to go out to dinner or see a show. Matt also said that Colin never had a serious relationship either.”