by Casey Herzog
Damien’s hair was frozen with crystals of snow clinging to the follicles. I put my hand out, and he begrudgingly took it because this was, after all, his suggestion. I felt this immediate warmth; trusting his judgment had turned out to be a good thing. We were both still breathing puffs of cold air into the wind. I was worried William was looking for us in a mad panic, but I couldn’t think like that when the only thing that should be on my mind was getting out unscathed.
“There’s a reason you’re here with me, and I have to take solace in the fact you came calling when I needed you the most. I don’t really understand all of this, but I get the feeling like you had a choice whether or not to accept. You claim otherwise, but you just might be protesting a little bit too much.” I deserved better than this, and these tests designed by my father were a slap in my face. Without him around, despite our strained relationship, I was destined to walk the world alone. Of course, maybe that was underplaying the importance of having friends.
We took a few steps ahead and the snow began to melt around us. I wasn’t sure how long the warmth was going to last, but it felt good, like I was standing in front of a roaring fire with a bearskin rug. I don’t know why I thought about that, but maybe it was my idea of romance.
I didn’t want to lose my innocence unless it was with the man of my dreams. He had to be handsome and strong enough to deliver a performance to take my breath away. Sex was not just an “impure” act, as the Elders would say. It was a serious bond made when two bodies joined in a holy union.
“I shouldn’t say this, but here, in this place, I can read your thoughts. It must come from the connection made between magic and yours.” I saw him blushing. He was embarrassed by what my mind had conjured. “I just thought that you should have fair warning in case you feel a need to show that kind of depravity again. Keep a tighter leash on your emotions. You can’t let it rule you; it should be the other way around. I’ve mastered a technique that allows me to suffer in silence even though I have dangerous thoughts that revolve around the person who took my family away from me.”
It was apparent that his desire for revenge was bringing the dark arts another victim to consume. It was a fine line that had to be balanced and he had not learned how to do that yet. According to my father’s wishes, it was up to me to make him realize his potential without putting others in danger. His magic was strong and I could feel cracks forming like he was fighting with every instinct to break free of the chain around his wrist.
“I’m glad you told me. I also have something to tell you that you may not like. The magic you have is strong, and it’s capable of getting stronger with whatever anger you might have building up inside. I don’t think this is the time for you to break free. You may not even realize you’re doing it, but it’s happening. You need to do something to quell that hunger.” We kept walking not really knowing where we were going, feeling slightly lost as if we were never going to find civilization.
“I’ve had my whole world turned upside down, and I think you understand how that feels. Don’t presume to know me. I might be young, but that doesn’t mean I have to have you hold my hand. Don’t think for a second I have anything to be grateful for. The only thing I found even tolerable about the school was your father. Everybody else treated me like I was small and insignificant. He knew better and tried to tell them, but he could never make them listen. The only one who had any inkling was Professor Bethesda. I have a feeling that your father was instrumental in enlightening him.” The snow was hitting whatever invisible force field surrounding us in this heated bubble.
“I’ve tried my best over the years to limit my interactions with my father. I learned that asking for anything was only asking for disappointment. I wish we had been closer and had time to mend these broken fences, but we don’t. That’s something that I’m going to have to accept, whether I want to or not is beside the point. We just never seemed to fit. I don’t want to say this, but sometimes I think his death was a blessing in disguise. He finally freed me from the responsibility of always trying to live up to his expectations.” I didn’t know why I was using him as a confidant, but it didn’t look like we had anything else to do at the moment.
“If you don’t know this, then I need to be the one to tell you: he did love you. You may have heard that from others, but I doubt you have really let it sink in. He was proud of you, and that’s one of the main reasons I hate you. That might be a strong term, but I can’t help but think you took a part of him away from me. He was not my father, but he made me believe I was destined for bigger things. I always thought the one obstacle in my way was you.” There was a sudden crack of thunder, and I realized the ground that I was trembling underneath my feet.
“I don’t know what that was, but I don’t think it was good for either of us. I’m glad to see you’re not scared like some little boys would be in your position.” I stood, still hoping no action was good action.
“I don’t suppose you have any idea what this is about. Everybody has their own perception when it comes to having loyalty that cannot be broken. Yours was born from the past, and this is what you see. Only you can determine what this means; I can only be here to be a sounding board.” His words sounded hollow as the wind picked up; we could barely see 2 inches in front of our faces.
“I don’t know, but I think I should. If this is because of me, then it has to be something brought about by a past memory. I seem to remember a snowstorm and how the whole world seemed to stop because of it.” I was lost in a dream, and there was no way to know which way to go. Things were moving way too slowly and I needed more information before I made any of the hard decisions Damien had mentioned.
“I wasn’t sure what to make of you when we first met, Damien. I suppose I was waiting for some small clue you weren’t as evil as you appeared to be. You might fool others into thinking you’re not caring, but I see something budding underneath the surface.” I wasn’t going to be caught in a manifestation of my own mind.
“Everybody thinks I play hide and seek with my true intentions. I do like playing games, but it’s mostly to amuse myself. I shouldn’t, but I find enjoyment in the suffering of others. It gives me a feeling I can’t really describe. I can see I am a page in your history. We need to go hand in hand into whatever danger presents itself.” He was confident, but I could see something had shaken his resolve.
We heard the crack of thunder again, and then I remembered that very same sound coming from the mountains. A feeling of dread gripped me by the throat. I was looking at a wall of snow bearing down on me. I was too shocked to move, and the only thing I could do was look in horror as I realized I was going to be buried under an avalanche of snow. I finally found the courage to break free and run with all the speed that a little girl could muster.
“Gillian, I don’t know where you went, but this is no time to daydream.” I heard Damien’s voice, but my memories were too strong to respond.
I don’t know why I didn’t remember this before now; it seemed like something that would be forever ingrained in my memories. I looked towards the edge of a cliff, skidding to a stop and almost going over to the great unknown.
I was startled back to reality by Damien tugging at my sleeve and looking like he had seen his life flash before his eyes. He was trying to say something. I felt my feet moving and looked down to see there was a chasm spreading before me.
Chapter Eleven
I could tell Damien was waiting for me to do something, but that same shock I felt from my childhood was now coming back with an even greater force of resistance. My eyes were darting around as I thought about how I was going to survive. The ground beneath my feet was opening wide and there was nothing below. My feet stretched. I had to act like some sort of contortionist.
The story of my life was coming apart; the pages that had already been read floated in the ether in front of my face. Words lost all meaning as I took one breath after another, thinking that it was going to be my last.
I
didn’t know what happened to make me lose my memory, but it was coming back to me. That feeling of dread was making my knees knock together, while Damien was begging me with tears in his eyes to make this go away.
I saw myself as that same little girl, terrified beyond words with my fingers shaking. I could hear the rumble behind me and I didn’t dare look to see what was ultimately going to be my frozen grave.
I heard a voice calling to me and I saw a hand outstretched that made me look into the darkness that had me impaled on the spear of truth. I reached for that hand, and through the driving snow came that same conviction. I didn’t allow it to cripple me.
I heard a gasp, and it wasn’t of surprise. Dangling from my hand was Damien over what I could only describe as a black hole. He passed out, hanging there limply with me holding on to him as the only means of rescue coming our way.
The little girl was snatched from the jaws of death by a father who seemed indifferent as to whether or not she survived. There was no emotion on his face, and I thought he was like some unfeeling robot. He looked into my eyes and said words that seemed to penetrate my skull like a sharpened scalpel. He was the one who took away that memory and left behind another more pleasing one. He had messed with my mind to prevent me from having the nightmares that would persist from that kind of trauma.
“I know what I have to do, but there’s really only one way to be sure how this is all going to unfold. I don’t know if you can hear me, father, but I have heard you loud and clear. The things you taught me were subtle, but I have retained the knowledge. I wish I could be near you again and tell you how sorry I am for the way I behaved. All I have left is my undying love for the man who raised me to be the strong and confident woman you see now. I can do this because you have always been there and it doesn’t matter if I see you or not. Your influence will always be felt in some way or another.”
I was still hanging on to Damien and felt like I was in an impossible situation. I was practically doing the splits and could actually hear my clothing ripping with the effort.
I moved my feet back a few inches, and the quake underneath my feet was slowly subsiding. I got back to where I was on the ledge with Damien fluttering his eyelids and coming back to face this head on.
“This was brought about by a memory that buried so deep it wasn’t supposed to see the light of day again. My father was protecting me from the bad memories. Whatever wall he put up is now crumbling like pieces of clay in my hand.” Memories I thought were real became nothing more than my father’s machinations.
“That…that is only part of it, Gillian; the rest falls on my shoulders. I have a very strained loyalty to your father. It could break at any moment, but right now it’s the only thing keeping us alive. You have moved me with your words and touched my heart like nobody has in a long time. I want you to know I believe in what your father taught me. He made me strong and gave me what I needed to take those few necessary steps in the right direction. I can’t make this decision for you, and you know that deep down you already know the answer.”
I stood there with the diminishing warmth I felt from our combined magic. The chill was freezing us to the spot, and it wouldn’t take very long for hypothermia to set in. We both took a few steps back as the ice and snow began to break away, piece by piece. It was threatening to swallow us whole, which definitely brought back memories I didn’t want to think about
“Gillain, there’s a part of me that believes you can be a force for good, but there’s also a bigger part that believes you can be corrupted.” I could only hope to give Damien a reason to trust me.
I didn’t want to believe him, but the magic eyes within me were telling me a tale of despair. I turned and looked in either direction to see that the snow and ice were crumbling from all sides. We were basically an island onto ourselves. The small piece of snow and ice was the only thing keeping us from falling into a pit that didn’t look like it had a comfortable landing. They say it’s not the fall that kills you, but the landing. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to find out firsthand what that saying was all about.
“I should’ve seen it! What you have said about my father has confirmed my love for him. He was there holding my hand and he’s doing that as we speak. It might be in spirit only, but it’s strong enough to let me know I need to let go. You may not agree with this decision, but it’s the only one that makes any sense. I’m sure you’ve noticed the ice around us has stopped chipping away and we are going to freeze to death standing here like statues unless we do something drastic.” I took his hand and we both looked at each other, not quite knowing we were putting our faith in words that had been given by the dead.
“I would say we need to take a little bit of time to think things over, but I can read between the lines. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, yet through the clouds, I see the shining light of your father’s face. In my life, there has been heartache and sorrow like I have never felt before. I don’t know if I can ever face something like that again, but maybe with your father’s words and teachings I can strive to be better than what I have ever thought possible.”
My father was showing me the way. That memory was now followed by others that left me stunned with the realization that a happy childhood was nothing compared to the truth.
I had nowhere left to hide, and my father’s eyes had finally found me. There was no point in waiting any longer. We were going to be in need of somebody to chisel us out of the icy grave of our own making. I wanted to know what real love was all about. I had a feeling that William could show me if I only opened myself up to the possibilities.
“I didn’t really need you here, but it’s obvious you’re here for a reason. My father touched you and gave you a sense of who you are. I had to see that for myself to know that his absence was not for nothing. I literally had to raise myself; I thought he was ashamed to have a daughter. That’s not true, though. He knew I could take care of myself and always found time to stop by to look in on me when he came back from whatever research he was doing even though I know research was nothing more than an explanation to hide what he was really doing. Let’s do this together. This one small step means one giant leap for my father.” I had his hand and we both took one long deep breath before extending one foot in front of the other.
The island was gone and in its place was a plummeting fall with an eerie sense of calm surrounding me. I was not screaming or showing any signs I was out of my freaking mind with worry. I was ready for what was to come.
Chapter Twelve
I heard knocking on the door and the frantic voice of William. “I don’t know what’s going on in there, but if you don’t answer me I’m going to have no choice but to knock down the door. I don’t want to do that since I’ll just have to fix it later. I’m not exactly a handyman, you know.”
I could hear that he was trying to impart a bit of levity into a serious situation, but was failing miserably. I tried to say something, but I had no voice of my own. I was left stunned into silence with my hands shaking and looking at the mirror like there was no possible way that had just happened.
“I need your help with Damien. He has gone into a catatonic state and there’s no way I can reach him. I don’t even know why I think you can, but I believe in you more than anyone. There has to be something you can do, but now I’m afraid you might be affected in some way by what is going on with him. I’m begging you to come out of there. I’m worried and I need some sign that you are there.” I tried to reach out to the door, but my limbs felt like they were made of lead.
I fell back onto the toilet with a resounding clang that had him wondering why I didn’t answer him. I heard him slamming his weight against the door and watched in fascination as the wood buckled against the impact. It took five tries and then it swung open with him holding his shoulder in distress.
I gave him credit for not giving up. He was soon kneeling at my feet, holding my hands and looking at me like I was in grave danger.
&nb
sp; I had my mouth open, but the words escaped me like they were on the edge of my tongue, but then fluttered away, never to be heard from again. It reminded me of how the wind in that other world had frozen my words. I thought I could handle the tests on my own, but Damien had proved to me I couldn’t. There was strength in numbers. It was something I was going to have to remember.
“I’m glad to see you are alive, but it can’t be a good sign you’re not saying anything. If you trust me, take my hand and I will try to do what I can to alleviate the stress on your vocal cords. You can take whatever strength you want from me and I will gladly sacrifice any power I have to make you whole again. I don’t know what I will do without you. Please, for the love of God don’t make me have to find out. That would be the worst kind of hell to live through and I’m not sure I would have the strength to do it.” I took his hands and I drew from him a small bit of his life essence. I didn’t even know I was capable of such an act. His face turned as white as a ghost, and I could see that I was draining him a little quicker than expected.
I snatched my hands away and he fell backward with the very breath from his body expelled out of his mouth. He looked slightly confused. His eyes showed he was in some kind of trance. His eyes blinked and then came back into focus. I had a feeling if I had gone any further there wouldn’t be anything left of William.
“You didn’t have to do that.” My voice sounded like I had a frog in my throat. “I would’ve come back on my own, but not as quickly as I would’ve liked. I need to know I didn’t do any permanent damage. Say something, I don’t care what it is. Tell me you hate me. I wouldn’t blame you for that.” The strength of his life essence combined with a modicum of magic had given me a jumpstart.