by Hendin, KK
She shrugged. “Details, details. Go drink beer and play with your friends.”
“Yes, dear,” he mocked, sketching a salute. “Enjoy yourself, Maddie.”
The chances of that happening were kind of small. “Thanks.”
I followed Sam across the yard to where a group of her friends were hanging out. “I have to introduce y’all to Maddie—she works in the café now.”
I plastered a smile on my face and grinned at the group of girls clustered near Sam, all who looked like they had just graduated high school. Sitting piled on top of each other, laughing and talking over each other, there was a freedom and happiness they had that I hadn’t had since I was fifteen, and God, I was jealous.
Soon I was sucked into their conversation, listening to them discuss some scandal with some guy named Harry and a girl named Ginger. When was the last time I had just hung out with people my age and talked about nothing? I couldn’t even remember. I wasn’t sure if I knew how to.
The sound of a little girl screaming jolted me out of my brooding. It was Noie.
“No, no, no, no!” I had never heard such terror in such a small little voice.
It was like everything was happening all over again. The shrieks of terror staggered me. Turning my head wildly, I scanned the backyard, looking for her. I saw her, looking up at a lady, screaming in terror. Not even thinking, I rushed over. “Noie, what happened?” I asked, looking at her frantically. She wasn’t hurt. She’d be okay. She would. But my heart wouldn’t slow down. She launched herself into my arms, burrowing into my neck and shaking.
“I was just saying hi to her,” the lady said, completely bewildered. “And she just started screaming.”
I looked down at Noie, still hiding in my neck and clinging as if her life depended on it. “She’s wary around strangers,” I said, echoing the words I had heard from Sam, Gabe, and their mom. “Don’t take it personally.”
There was being scared around strangers, and then there was this. This was sheer and utter terror. I rubbed Noie’s back, trying to calm her down.
She shook her head. “Well, I’m sorry if I scared her,” she said.
“Noie.” She lifted her head up, and looked at me, her little face tearstained. “Noie, honey, I think you scared the nice lady.”
“She scared me,” she whispered, burying her head back into my neck, her body still shaking with sobs.
“Noie!” Gabe came running over, a look of panic on his face. He tensed up when he saw her clinging to me. “What happened to her?”
I looked around the backyard nervously. Noie’s heart was still pounding, as was mine, and I could barely get my breath back. The last thing I wanted to deal with now was a whole scene, which looked like it was on the verge of happening.
“How about we go talk somewhere else?” I asked, tightening my hold on Noie.
Glancing at me and then at his daughter, he nodded abruptly. “Let’s go in,” he said, starting to walk toward the back door.
I followed him through the house and up a flight of stairs until we ended up in a bedroom. A guy’s bedroom, from the way it looked. His? “Sit,” he said, gesturing toward the bed.
Still holding Noie, I sat down at the edge of the bed, and felt the mattress sink a little as he sat down next to me.
“Okay, what happened?” he asked, watching Noie.
“I don’t even know,” I said, rubbing circles on her back, listening to her heartbeat slow. She was okay. It was all okay. I just had to keep telling myself that. “I was talking to Sam and her friends and I heard her screaming. Some lady was trying to talk to her and she freaked out, I guess.”
He reached over and rubbed her little back before dropping his head wearily into his hands. “Every time she does that,” he muttered. “God, at this rate, I’m going to keel over and die tomorrow.”
“Every time?” I asked, savoring the feel of Noie’s little body curled into mine.
“She doesn’t like strangers.”
I looked down at her, face still tear-stained in her sleep. “I’ve heard that a few times,” I said, “But I never really understood what you were talking about. Gabe, this isn’t not liking strangers. I don’t like strangers, and I don’t freak out like this.”
“She’s like that with everyone,” he said, raking his hand through his hair. “Everyone except my parents and Sam.” He looked at me. “And you.”
“Everyone?” I asked, not sure if I was ready to believe that. If I hadn’t seen her just have a panic attack, I would never have believed him.
He nodded. “Everyone. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her in September. She’s supposed to go to daycare, but I don’t know if she’ll be able to go.”
I looked down at Noie, sleeping peacefully. “Mama,” she murmured in her sleep, patting my arm. I froze.
She was sleeping, I told myself, on the verge of panic. Gabe’s face didn’t look nearly as terrified as I’m sure mine did. Handing her over to him, I stood up.
“I… I have to go,” I stammered.
Turning, I rushed down the stairs and out of the room.
Nobody had called me Mama in three years. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. Fumbling with the keys, I managed to fit the right one into the lock and staggered up the stairs. Changing into workout clothing, I slipped on my sneakers and grabbed my iPod. Tying my hair up in a ponytail, I ran down the steps, locked the door, and started to run.
I was literally running away from my problems. God, I was such a cliché. But at that point, I didn’t care anymore. Turning up the volume on my iPod, I picked up the pace and tried to outrun my memories.
“You left the party early last night,” Grandma Evelyn said as she frosted a batch of cupcakes. “One minute you were there and the next you were gone.”
“I wasn’t feeling well,” I lied.
Her eyes sharpened in concern. “You okay now?” she asked.
I nodded. “Much better.”
“Well, good.” She looked at me, considering. “I saw you go over to Noie when she started screaming. Interesting how she’s not scared of you.”
“I don’t get it,” I said, knowing that it really wasn’t my business. “Why is she so scared of everyone?”
She shrugged. “I have no idea, honey,” she said. “I don’t think anyone does.”
I shook my head to clear it. Something about it all just didn’t feel right.
The phone rang, and I grabbed it, hoping to distract myself. “Good morning, Evelyn’s,” I answered.
“Maddie? It’s Lucy Mendez, Gabe and Sam’s mom?”
“Oh, hi Mrs. Mendez.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so glad it’s you. You’re in the café now? Of course you’re in the café now. Can I steal you for a few minutes? I have a question to ask you.”
“Sure,” I answered to the silent phone. She had hung up. I shrugged, and went back to the front counter.
“Maddie!” Mrs. Mendez called, bustling in a few minutes later. “I didn’t have a chance to see you last night at the party.”
Did she know about the whole incident?
She leaned forward. “Can I ask you for a favor?”
“Sure,” I answered.
“Gabe is going to be late again tonight—he’s finishing an important project at the firm, and it’s taking him a bit longer than expected. Normally we’d watch Noie, but Carlos is insistent on us going out.” She looked at me, and actually blushed. “We’ve had a standing date for almost thirty years, and he doesn’t want to break it. Normally I would ask Sam, but I feel bad—she does enough as is.”
I stood there, silent.
“It’s pretty much impossible to find a babysitter for Noie,” she continued. “But I saw what happened last night, and how she was okay with you. Usually I wouldn’t ask—I don’t know you that well, but Evelyn has nothing but wonderful things to say about you, and so does Sam. Would you mind watching Noie tonight for a bit?”
Would I mind watching Noie?
Coul
d I do it? I didn’t know if I trusted myself anymore.
“Sure,” I heard myself saying.
Sure? Oh, Lord.
“Oh, thank you so much,” she said. Taking out a paper, she scribbled down an address. “This is Gabe’s apartment,” she said. “Is five good for you?”
My shift at the café was over at four thirty. “Five is fine,” I said.
“You are a lifesaver,” she said, and as quickly as she was there, she was gone again.
I sagged against the counter. Again. What had I gotten myself into?
I double-checked the address against the number Mrs. Mendez had written down earlier. Seemed right. I knocked softly on the door. It wasn’t so much of an apartment as a converted beach house, worn and battered from the rains and wind of winter storms. The door swung open, and Noie shrieked with happiness. “Maddie!” she ran toward me, tackling my legs in a hug. I reached down to hug her.
“Hey, Miss Noie,” I answered, smiling at her infectious excitement.
“Thanks so much for coming,” Mrs. Mendez bustled toward the door. “There’s a list of instructions and phone numbers on the kitchen table. Call me if you need anything.”
“Sure,” I responded.
Brushing a kiss on Noie’s head, she waved goodbye and left the apartment. I looked around the room. It was a homey little place, one that very much looked like it was inhabited by a little girl. There was a wall covered in artwork of scribbles and glitter and stickers, all framed. Dolls were scattered on the floor, and there was a little pink table tucked into the corner.
“You came to play with me?” she asked, bouncing.
“I came to play with you until your Daddy comes home,” I said. She squealed with delight. “First I have to go look at the letter your Grandma left me, and then we can play, okay?”
She nodded happily and toddled back toward the dolls strewn on the floor. Walking into the tidy little kitchen, I picked up the papers on the table and scanned them. It was the same kind of thing I would have written a few years before. Supper, bedtime, pajamas, songs, books… all in a very feminine handwriting.
Did Gabe even know I was there?
I’m sure he did. His mom wouldn’t just leave me alone with Noie without telling him. Taking the pan of lasagna from the fridge, I put it in the oven to warm up dinner, and walked back out to the living room. “Maddie, look,” Noie said, wanting to give me a tour of the apartment.
Wandering over with her to the art wall, I took a closer look at the pictures. Collages, heavy on the glitter hung side by side with construction paper covered in colored popsicles, all with Noie’s name labled neatly in a very masculine handwriting. The thought of Gabe sitting next to Noie at her little pink table and making arts and crafts projects with her made me smile. You could see his love for her everywhere you looked in the apartment.
One picture stared down at me, making me lose my breath. It was a crayon scribble of a family—a mommy, a daddy, and a little girl.
But it wasn’t Noie.
The little girl had straight brown hair, and startling purple eyes. It’s a coincidence, I scoffed to myself. The mother had curly brown hair, and her eyes were purple, too.
“Noie, who’s that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking as I pointed to the picture.
“Devi and her mama and daddy,” she said.
Tearing my eyes away from the picture, I smiled down at her, shaky. It was a coincidence. Devi was probably one of her friends from the neighborhood or something, and she probably decided that purple was a good eye color to have.
Until meeting me, she probably never saw anyone with purple eyes. They weren’t very common—everyone was surprised when Devi was born with them, too.
“It’s so pretty,” I said, trying to stay casual. Showing her how freaked out I was wouldn’t be a good idea. “You’re such an artist!”
She giggled and raced toward her dolls. “We’re gonna play dollies, okay?”
“Absolutely,” I said, sitting down on the floor with her.
The rest of the evening went without incident—and without mention of Devi. After a quick bath, I wrapped Noie up in a towel, and carried her to her bedroom for pajamas and bed. Hair brushed and pajamas on, Noie looked at the bed and at me, her bottom lip starting to tremble.
“Where’s my daddy?” she asked, sounding tired and a little cranky.
“He’s coming home soon, baby,” I said, picking her up.
Her big eyes looked at me. “Don’t want to sleep in here,” she said, starting to whimper. “Wanna sleep in Daddy’s room.”
What harm could there be? I’d put her to bed in Gabe’s room, and would transfer her into her own when she fell asleep. I had done it more times than I could count. “Okay,” I said softly. “Do you need any teddy bears to bring into Daddy’s bed?”
Leaning over, she picked up a ratty little blanket. “Just blankie,” she said, cuddling against my neck. Taking a deep breath, I walked into Gabe’s bedroom. It smelled like him—of sawdust and sunshine. The bed beckoned invitingly. Walking over, I pulled the covers down and placed Noie down gently. Sitting at the edge of the bed, I covered her up.
“Lie down with me,” she said, looking up at me, one hand clutching her blanket.
I was too tired to argue. I ached too much to argue. But it was one thing to spend time with Noie in the café, and it was another thing entirely to act as her mother for the night. It was too much. I was barely hanging on as it was. Part of me was expecting Ravi to walk in any minute to sing a lullaby before she fell asleep. And while the thought of lying down on Gabe’s bed appealed to me in ways that it probably shouldn’t, I wasn’t going to go down that slippery slope of crushing on a guy. I couldn’t. Looking around the room, I noticed a rocking chair in the corner. “How about you sit on my lap on the rocking chair for a few minutes? And then you can sleep in Daddy’s bed by yourself.”
She nodded, sleepy. Slipping off my sandals, I sat down on the worn rocking chair. The thought of Gabe sitting here rocking Noie to sleep was one that was all too appealing. I drew Noie into my arms, feeling her little arm reach over and start patting me. “Now we sing a song to keep the bad dreams away,” she instructed, yawning.
“Which song?” I whispered.
I shouldn’t have been surprised when she started singing. But I was. It kicked me hard in the gut, and sent shivers down my spine.
“Go to sleep, little sunshine,” she began, her sweet little voice dropping knives into my heart. “The world will be waiting tomorrow for you to play…”
Slowly, I started to sing along. “Everyone gets tired sometimes, everyone needs a break. Let the flowers be your blankets, let the birds sing you to sleep. The moon will hold your spot until tomorrow…”
“Goodnight, lil’ sunshine, sunshine of mine,” she finished, cuddling into my arms.
“Who taught you that song, baby?” I asked her, my cheeks wet with tears.
“A Daddy.”
I sat there, rubbing her back, trying to understand what had just happened. How had she known that song? How had Gabe? Was she even talking about Gabe? Why a Daddy, and not my Daddy?
Closing my eyes, I let the feeling of curling up around a little body sing me to sleep.
“Maddie?” I opened my eyes, confused as to who was whispering my name.
There was Gabe’s furious face.
“Sorry, I must have fallen asleep.”
“What are you doing here?” he hissed, furious.
“I’m watching your child,” I said quietly, trying not to wake up Noie. “What did it look like I was doing?”
He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. I stood up slowly and carried Noie to Gabe’s bed. Setting her down gently, I covered her with the blanket, murmuring to her quietly as she shifted around on the bed, still sleeping. Slipping my sandals back on, I walked around him and toward the door of his bedroom. “Your mom asked me to watch Noie until you came home,” I said, my nerves already frayed from the
whole evening. “I thought you knew. So I said yes. I’ll leave now.”
“No, wait,” he said, frustrated.
I stopped at the doorway.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I just wasn’t expecting you in there.”
It was the face of someone who hadn’t been able to find their child. I knew that face. I remembered that face all too well.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep in there.”
“Give me a minute, okay?” he said, starting to unbutton his dress shirt. I turned away quickly, but not before I saw the sculpted muscle he was hiding under there.
This probably wasn’t a good idea. But I turned and walked toward the couch anyway.
He walked out of his room, clad in a T-shirt and sweatpants, looking exhausted.
“Did you eat yet?” I asked as he sat down at the other end of the couch. He shook his head.
“Wait here,” I said, and headed to the kitchen. I pulled out the lasagna that I had left warming there for him, and put it on a plate. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I carried the plate and drink to the living room table and set it down.
“You don’t have to do this,” he said, following me and sitting down at the table.
I shrugged.
“Part of the job,” I said, trying not to make it something that it wasn’t. Something that it couldn’t be. Watching him sit down at the end of a long day with a baby sleeping in the bedroom… was I just trying to relive my life with new people?
“I have to go now,” I said, standing up abruptly. I couldn’t do this.
“Dammit, Maddie, I need to talk to you,” he exploded, frustrated. “You can’t keep on running away like this.”
“It’s not running away,” I argued. Yes, it was running away. But it was for everyone’s good.
He sighed, looking old and exhausted.
“I’m going to come to the café tomorrow morning,” he said, standing so close I could smell him again. Sawdust and sunshine. “And when I come in, we’re going to talk about tonight and about the barbeque, okay?”
“Fine,” I said, not fine at all.