by Hendin, KK
Me, too.
“Please don’t tell me we’re going into another store,” I said, struggling to balance shopping bags in both hands. “I have no more money and no more hands.”
“No more stores,” Hannah said, looking apologetic. “Sam, I need to get back now.”
“Everything okay?” Sam asked as we headed for the exit.
Hannah nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine, but I just got a text from one of the girls in my study group, and didn’t realize that we had scheduled for tonight.”
“No problem,” Sam waved it off as we neared the car. “There wouldn’t be any room in the car if we stayed for much longer.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” drawled Mary Elizabeth as we struggled to fit our bags in the car. “How exactly are we going to figure out whose bags are whose?”
Reaching into the back of her truck, Sam pulled out a spool of ribbon. “Tie your bags together,” she said, cutting pieces for each of us.
“Good God, do you think of everything?” I asked as I threaded the ribbon through all of my bags.
“Pretty much,” she replied. “Someone has to.”
Sam pulled up in front of the café. “Thanks so much for kidnapping me today,” I said, getting out of the car.
“My pleasure,” she said, leaning out of the car as I got my bags from the trunk. “Listen, do you mind if I bring Noie over to your place while I talk to Gabe? I don’t know how he’s going to react to me telling him about Diane the bitch, and I don’t want to get my parents involved just yet.”
“No problem,” I said, wincing at the thought of the very unpleasant conversation she was going to have.
Sam sighed. “Thanks,” she said. “I’ll call you—I’ll probably be back in around an hour or so.”
I looked at my watch. Seven o’clock. “Bring her pajamas,” I said. “She’ll probably end up falling asleep here.”
“Will do,” Sam said. “I’ll see you later.”
I waved as she drove off, and then dragged my bags up the stairs. I had a little apartment to toddler-proof.
The phone rang as I looked around the apartment one last time. Noie was three—but you could never be too careful. “I’ll be over in a few minutes,” Sam said, the sound of her car starting in the background.
“The door’s open,” I replied.
“Thanks a million.”
I smiled. “No worries.”
I took a deep breath. I hadn’t seen Noie since I told Gabe what had happened. You can do this, I told myself. Just keep breathing.
Breathe with your heart.
“Maddie!” called Noie’s little voice. “Auntie Sam says I can come over and play!”
“You can!” I said, opening the door at the top of the stairs.
“I brought my dolly!” she said, lifting it and showing it to me. “So we can play!”
Sam followed, carrying an oversized diaper bag. “She brought the dolly,” she drawled, smiling. “And I brought her pajamas.”
“We’re having a sleepover?” Noie asked, bouncing excitedly.
I nodded. “Is Daddy coming, also?” she asked.
“Not this time,” I replied, blushing a little bit at the thought of the last “sleepover.”
“This time?” Sam echoed, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Calm down,” I said, trying to stop blushing.
She laughed. “Always fun to watch you squirm.” Reaching down, she hugged Noie. “Love you, baby girl,” she said, dropping a kiss on Noie’s head. “Be good for Auntie Maddie.”
My heart swelled at her words. “We’ll be fine,” I said around the familiar lump in my throat. “Don’t worry.”
“I’m more worried about my end of this evening,” she said.
Reaching over, I squeezed her hand. “You’ll be okay,” I said, trying to sound reassuring.
Sam sighed. “I might, but will Gabe?”
I shrugged. “I hope so.”
“Me too,” she replied. “I’ll call you later, okay?”
I nodded and watched her walk back down the stairs toward her car.
“Maddie, I brought my dolly!” Noie repeated, holding up the little doll I had got her.
“I know!” I said, reaching down to hug her. “Do you want me to show you and dolly something special?”
Her eyes widened as I lead her toward the wall with the porch wall. “There’s a secret in the wall,” I said as I slid the porch door open. Her eyes widened as she saw the porch on the other side. “See? It’s a surprise!”
“Can we go?” she asked, staring onto the porch.
I laughed and led her outside. It was a beautiful night—a great day for balcony sitting. “Look, you can see the ocean from here,” I said, pointing toward the visible shoreline.
“And so many houses!” Noie said, looking at the houses in the distance.
“Can you see Grandma’s house?” I asked her, sitting down on a chair and letting her climb up onto my lap. She fit there so well.
“It’s there!” she giggled, pointing toward it. “There’s Grandma and Abuelo’s house!”
“That’s right,” I agreed as she looked back down to her doll and began to rock her back and forth.
“Shhh,” Noie whispered. “Baby Devi is going to sleep now.”
“Okay,” I whispered back, smiling at her little movements, so like a mother’s. I wondered who she had seen with a baby that size that she knew how to hold her.
We sat there on the porch as Noie rocked her dolly to sleep, the wind blowing softly. “She’s all sleeping now,” Noie whispered to me after a while. “Can I put her in your bed?”
I smiled. “You didn’t bring her cradle?”
She shook her head. “Auntie Sam said no.”
“Then your dolly should definitely go into my bed,” I said, leading her into the bedroom. Watching her place the doll gently under the covers and kissing it goodnight, she walked back toward me.
“Can we have supper now?” she said in a normal voice as she reached to close the door behind her. “Dolly ated before, and now I’m hungry.”
I laughed at her mommy voice. “I have a special supper for you in the kitchen,” I said.
Her eyes widened. “You do?” she asked.
“Of course,” I said, walking toward the kitchen. “When Auntie Sam told me you were coming over, I made a special supper for me and you.”
“Maccaronis!” she squealed when I lifted the cover off of the pot.
I breathed a small sigh of relief. Yeah, most kids liked mac and cheese, but you never knew.
Supper was a giggly little affair, with Noie sitting on a phone book in order to reach the table, the two of us eating mac and cheese and drinking iced tea. “All done,” Noie announced, wiggling off her phone book throne. “Thank you for supper, it was yummy.”
Leaning over, I kissed her head, impressed at her manners. “You’re welcome, darling,” I said, reminding myself to tell Gabe.
Gabe.
I winced. I hoped the conversation with Sam was going well. I put away leftovers from dinner, and washed the dishes before walking back toward the little living room where Noie was sitting on the couch, holding a book.
My face grew pale as I saw what book it was.
“Where did you find that, Noie?” I asked as I slid next to her on the couch.
“In your room,” she said, “I found it when I went to go check on dolly.”
It had been buried on the bottom of my suitcase. Next to where her dolly had originally been, too.
“That’s you!” Noie said, pointing to a picture.
Was I strong enough to do this? I didn’t know.
But it seemed I was going to be finding out now. “That is me,” I agreed, looking at the snapshot. I had been seventeen in that picture. It was one night before a gig.
“You look funny,” Noie said, laughing a little.
Funny? I looked at the picture again. Not so much funny as it was different. A lot different than what I looked l
ike now. A lot freer.
“I know him,” she said, pointing to a picture of Ravi.
My heart stopped a little bit. “How?” I asked.
“He was in this picture, too!” she said, pointing to a picture on the page before.
“That’s right,” I said, breathing out.
Seriously, Maddie. You’re letting your imagination run away with you.
Noie turned the page again, careful. “What are you doing here?” she said, pointing to a picture from one of Ravi’s cousin’s weddings. “You’re wearing a funny dress.”
“It’s called a sari,” I said, remembering that day. They had all been so nice to me—the white girl of the family. They hadn’t minded so much then—later, after the accident? It was a different story. “That’s what they wear in India.”
“It’s pretty,” she said, stroking the picture, as if she would be able to feel it through the page.
I nodded absently, wrapped up in my thoughts.
She turned the page again, and gave a little gasp. “Look Maddie!” she said, pointing to a picture. “There’s Devi!”
I looked down at the picture and paled. There was Devi.
It was one of the last pictures I had of her from before the accident. She was sitting at the little kitchen table in our apartment, coloring a picture for the fridge.
“That is Devi,” I whispered, feeling the beginnings of panic. How did she know? “How do you know that, Noie?”
She looked at me like I had fallen off the moon. “Because Devi’s my friend,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing ever.
“And she looks like this?” I asked, pointing to the picture of Devi in the album. Maybe her imaginary friend was a different little girl.
“Almost,” she said. See, Maddie? Jumping to conclusions. “But she’s not wearing that outfit.”
“What do you mean, she’s not wearing that outfit?” I asked, my mouth going dry.
“She’s wearing a pink dress and white pants,” she said. “Because pink is her bestest color, like me.”
Pink dress and white pants.
The morning of the accident, Devi was wearing a pink tunic dress and white leggings.
Leggings, which, later that day, had ended up splattered in blood.
“A pink dress?” I echoed, not wanting to believe Noie. It was a coincidence. It had to be.
Noie nodded cheerfully, unaware that what she was saying was making me forget I knew how to breathe. “Devi is my friend,” she said. “She lived in New York City with Mommy and Daddy. Then she wented away.”
“Where did she go?” I whispered, terrified of the answer.
“She’s waiting,” she said. “And she visits me.”
“What’s she waiting for?” I asked, heart in my throat.
“She said she’s waiting for her Mommy to smile,” Noie said. She looked up at me, her face troubled. “Why isn’t her Mommy smiling, Maddie?”
The tears began to run down my cheeks. “Because she’s very sad,” I said, my voice choked. “Because she misses her Devi.”
“But Devi’s here,” Noie said. “She comes and visits me, so she also visits her Mommy, too, right?”
I shrugged. Did she? I didn’t know. Maybe I didn’t let myself know. “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know, Noie.”
Noie reached over and patted my hand. “Devi says that her Mommy loves her and her Daddy best of all,” she said. “But she loves other people, too. Because her heart gets bigger and there’s room to love other people inside, too.”
A chill raced down my back. I had told Devi that, one day not so long before the accident. One of the kids in her playgroup’s mom had had another baby, and Devi came home, worried that the mom wasn’t going to love her son anymore now that she had another one. Hearts get bigger, I had told her. Just like mine can get bigger. Ravi and I had been talking about trying for another baby.
It never happened.
“I’m sure she loves other people, too,” I said, my voice catching on a sob as I looked at the little girl who was forcing me to let my heart breathe. Breathe in someone you loved.
With startling clarity, I looked at her big green eyes and knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved Noie with everything I had in me.
“Maddie? Why are you crying?” Noie asked, climbing onto my lap, reaching up and patting my damp cheeks. “Are you sad?”
Was I sad?
“A little bit,” I said, feeling the tears flow.
“It’s okay,” Noie said, wrapping her little arms around me and squeezing me. “It’s okay.”
I smiled through my tears and hugged her back, the little girl who had wormed her way into my life and into my heart. “It is okay,” I agreed. “It’s going to be.”
We sat there as my tears dried. Looking up, I noticed the time. “Noie, baby, it’s time for you to go to bed,” I said, standing up slowly, still holding her.
She cuddled into my neck, tired. “Tired,” she said, her voice sleepy.
“Me, too,” I agreed, reaching over and grabbing her pajamas. “Let’s put on some ’jamas and go lie down with your dolly, okay?”
“You, too?” she asked as she let me pull off her shirt.
“For a little bit,” I said, still trying to process everything that had happened that day.
“Can we sing first?” she asked.
I nodded. “We can sing first,” I said. “Brush your teeth, potty, and then we sing.”
Changing into my own pajamas, I helped Noie brush her teeth and helped her wash her hands before climbing into my bed next to her.
“Goodnight, little sunshine,” I sang with her, memories of cuddling with Devi flowing through my mind.
“Goodnight, baby doll,” I whispered as I kissed Noie on the forehead. “Maiṁ tumasē pyāra karatā hūm̐,” I love you.
“Love you, Maddie,” her little voice whispered as she snuggled against me, clutching her doll in her arms as her breathing became even.
I lay there, stroking her hair as she slept, my thoughts whirling.
Was it possible that she really saw Devi?
I had never really given the supernatural much thought—the possibility that Noie was seeing ghosts was one that was too much for me to comprehend. Climbing out of bed slowly, as to not wake up Noie, I left the door open and walked back toward the couch, where my photo album was lying, open.
Flipping to the first page, I looked through the pictures. It was a photo album that chronicled my life with Ravi and Devi—pictures back from when I was fifteen, scared, and pregnant. Devi’s sonogram. Hospital pictures.
Closing the album, I put it on the bookshelf. I wasn’t ready for the deluge of memories that would follow if I went through the whole album. They were happy memories, but sometimes happy memories hurt the most.
Reaching over, I picked up the Sudoku book that had been lying unopened on the side table. Grabbing a pencil, I sat back down on the couch and began to fill in the first puzzle.
Four puzzles and two checks on Noie later, I heard the sound of footsteps heading toward my door. Too heavy to be Sam’s.
There was a soft knock on the door. Putting down the Sudoku book, I walked over and opened the door to see Gabe, clutching the doorway with a wild look in his eyes.
“Is she here?” he asked wildly. “Is she okay?”
“Noie’s here. She’s sleeping in my bed now.”
“Can I see her?” he asked, his voice hoarse.
Why was he asking? What had Sam told him? Leading him toward the bedroom, I opened the door. Noie was sprawled across my pillows, still clutching her doll, moonlight shining over her sleeping body.
Gabe leaned heavily against the doorway. “Thank God,” he whispered.
“Gabe, are you okay?” I asked, concerned. I had never seen him like this—this level of exhaustion. It wasn’t just the normal not sleeping, too many hours at work exhaustion. It was an exhaustion I recognized—the one when your past finally caught up to you.
/> “I don’t know,” he mumbled.
I ached for him, wondering what he was going through now, only imagining. Reaching over, I put my hand into his. “Come sit on the couch,” I said quietly, feeling the tingle that I felt every time I touched him.
Feeling his hand tighten around mine, I led him back toward the living room, the lights dim.
Sitting down on the couch next to him, I reached to let go of his hand and move over a little bit, give him some space. “No, don’t,” he said, his voice low and tired. “Sit here with me, Maddie.”
“You sure?” I asked.
He nodded, his expression vulnerable. “I know there’s a lot of shit we have to deal with, Maddie,” he said. “But I need a friend now.”
I couldn’t say no to that.
Sliding over, I sat next to him, and felt him put an arm around me. “Friend?” I asked, looking up at him.
Pulling me tight against him, he nodded. “Friend,” he repeated, letting out a deep breath.
Breathe it out, I thought as I reached over and began to rub slow circles on his chest. It wasn’t a friend thing to do, I knew. But it hurt me so much to see his face like that, troubled, exhausted and hurt.
I could feel his heartbeat slow down as I lay my cheek against him and rubbed his chest slowly. “Want to talk about it?” I asked, echoing what he had said to me the week before.
“Soon,” he whispered, letting his fingers drift up and down my arm. “Not yet.”
“Okay,” I agreed, letting my hand rest on his chest, knowing it was dangerous for us to be sitting like this, but not caring.
He needed me. I needed him. And what happened after this? We’d figure it out when it came. But I was the last one who would walk away from someone hurting. Not after years of having people walk away from me. “Sam caught me on my way home,” he began, sounding exhausted. “She was waiting for me outside of my parents’ house, and told me she had to talk to me, and that it was important. So I flipped out, because I thought something was wrong with Noie, but she swore up and down Noie was fine, and that she was with you.”
He turned to look at me. “Thank you for watching her,” he said. “I know you probably had a lot of other things you could have been doing than babysitting for my daughter, again.”