I snort and chuckle at her huff, seeing the unemotional Bear in my mind’s eye. God, that man is an iceberg. But hot too. Go Danny for landing this century’s most un-eligible bachelor in the mob.
“I love you too, Dan. I do, but I can’t just pick up and trot off to New Orleans, babe. I’m sorry. It took me weeks to get my shit together after Lyon let me go, and I just…I am not ready to see any of them again. You know Rain will just make me want to stay.”
And I would. The chance at a family is like freaking gold dust to one of those old-timers in the gold rush. I’d be on it like white on rice, and that is just too sad to even contemplate.
I’d want to stay, and before I knew it, I would be moved into Rain’s house and enjoying her motherly love, and then…then I would have to see rat face all the time and pretend I don’t want to kill him with a two-by-four to the skull.
I so cannot kill Rain’s boy. But God, I want to.
“So, stay! Stay with us. You know, I get that your life is one big party down there in cattle country and you are just living it up, but what do you really have there? You need family, Lori, and we are your family,” she says softly.
I snort loudly and choose to play it off even though my chest hurts like a bitch at the kind words.
“Mobsters? You think I want mobsters on my family tree, Irish?” I laugh, making her giggle and grunt like a pig.
“They’re not so bad once you get to know them, and besides, Bear has all these pals that work with him and were in the Army with him, and, Lori, girl, some of them are hot.”
“Hey!”
I laugh when I hear Bear growling at her, doing his namesake proud and enjoy her amused shrieks when he obviously starts kissing her.
“Gross, I can hear you two sucking face!”
They go on for another minute before she sighs and comes back on.
“God, that man makes me tingle.”
“That is just nasty and all kinds of wrong, girl. If you’re so desperate to make out, then call me tomorrow.”
“No! No, I want to talk to you, and I won’t stop bugging you until you agree to come for a visit. I was going to come to you, but Bear has gone all psycho since I told him I’m with child.”
I laugh at her use of words and chuckle when she huffs exasperatedly, as if he’s driving her crazy when we all know that Danny is head over backside for her husband.
They got married right after he went to her in Hawaii, and to hear Danny tell it, it was the most romantic night of her life when he finally told her he loves her and can’t live without her.
I was overcome too and even video-called the day they got married. I’d have gone, I really would have, especially when Bear called and offered me an all-expenses-paid trip down to Hawaii, but I declined when I heard fart face was going too.
I’d rather have my manicured toenails pulled out with rusty pliers than go to a wedding where he’ll be staring at me the way he always did. Or worse, he could not look at me once and pretend I don’t exist.
That fear is what made me decline, and that took a lot because Bear is one scary man and he was none too pleased when I said no to his precious Danny.
But I watched it through a laptop that Lynx set up and got to see them exchange vows and kiss. I noticed Wolf at one point when someone jostled the laptop, but thank you Jesus, Lyon corrected it quickly, and I only got like a three-second eye contact with the ass.
That one look told me I am not ready to see him in the flesh again, and you know, I took it to heart because the pain and longing was so intense I knew I’d have crawled across glass if he so much as gave me one sign he wants me.
Tragic man, tragic.
“Danny—”
“No, honestly! Honestly, Lori, there are some great guys I would love to introduce you to, and it wouldn’t be like forever. You can come down and kick back with me for a week or two and meet some good guys. Have some fun and just let loose. On Bear’s dime!”
“Woman!”
She giggles at the mock snarl, and even I laugh when he comes on and offers to buy me a Porsche if I would just put his woman out of her misery.
“Look, I’ll see what I can do about some time off, and then, only if you swear that turd won’t be there, I could maybe spend a few days with you guys, but, Bear, you have got to swear to me that I won’t see him,” I say in a hard tone that only quivers slightly.
Bear sighs loudly, and I can just see the guy’s eyes going all hard, but he eventually capitulates and gives me the reassurances I need.
“I’ve sent him out on a job, and he shouldn’t be back until Friday, Saturday at the latest. That’s the best I can do, Lori. You know Wolf doesn’t take direction for shit.”
Yeah, I do know that, and the reminder has a vivid memory flashing in my mind. One night, after a long dinner in my cell and some flirting that made me hot in the good parts, I tried to use my newfound sexual skill on Wolf and take the reins.
I had this overwhelming need to ride the hell out of him, and after an entire day spent fantasizing, I was ready to do him damage I was so needy.
So, I got it on with him and yelled at him to take me. Not my finest moment, but he’d been gone all day, and only his dad had come down to give me food and not much by way of conversation.
The order sparked something in him that I never imagined, and I spent the next hour yelling my head off, pleading for him to stop. He freaking ate me out until I was nothing but a pile of goo and then showed me how well he takes direction.
Besides the day I lost my virginity to him, it was the best sexual experience of my life.
I shudder as arousal hits me and grit my teeth as I push it away, not even close to dealing with the memories yet.
“Yeah, I get that, but honestly, I just don’t think I can be around your brother without hitting him. It just isn’t a good time for me,” I admit hoarsely, hating how one memory can turn me inside out so fast.
“I know and I understand. But you ran, Lori, and you know, that’s on you,” he points out.
I grind my molars at that statement because it just isn’t true, but fool that I am, I don’t want to mess with the relationship between brothers and tell Bear that Wolf was the one who pushed me.
I didn’t run. Hell, I fought like an animal to stay. I begged, yelling at Wolf that I love him. I pleaded and made a fool of myself asking him not to let me go.
He drugged me while kissing me softly, and I woke in a motel room with Lyon stalking the carpet, my wrists tied to a bedpost as he waited for a call.
It took forever. At least it felt like forever as I sat there and cried quietly into the pillow, feeling like a foolish ass for it but unable to stop the pain that wracked me all over.
The next day, Lyon freed me, gave me a plane ticket, and told me to go home. And I did. I had no choice because it was blatantly clear to me that Wolf had cut me loose and didn’t want anything to do with me.
All those soft words, the affectionate cuddling, and the love, all gone. I now know that not one moment of it meant anything to him but a lay. I was just a body that he took advantage of while I was around, and now the big bad Wolf is running lone again.
Well, screw him and screw this ache in me for the jackass. I won’t do this to myself anymore, and what’s more, why should I hide? I can go over there and pretend, can’t I? Maybe if I tell myself long enough that he’s nothing, I can finally let go.
Yeah. Yeah. And I can also look at him in a real-life situation where I am not trapped in a little cell with only him as my sun. I can see him for the flawed man he is and move on.
“You have no idea what actually happened between us, Bear, so don’t lecture me, okay? I don’t deserve it. I’ll come out day after tomorrow, and I want your private jet. If I have to deal with that pig, I deserve some luxury as a reward.”
He laughs and mutters something about demanding females before Danny comes back, her excitement making me smile. I end the call feeling better, well, better about the next fe
w days of bonding with my girl.
But I also feel fear because, whatever is going to happen, I just hope I don’t fall flat on my face at Wolf’s feet.
Wolf
“You owe me, you asshole. Lori is going to be so pissed when she gets here and sees you, and Danny will not be happy either. I’ll kill you myself if my wife blames me for this.”
I grunt and lean back on the porch step where we’re sharing beers and watching the sun set. I haven’t felt right since I let Lori go, and no matter how much I work or how busy I keep myself, I can’t stop thinking about how I hurt her.
That last day, when I knew I had to let her go, I just about died inside when she started crying and told me she loves me. It was bittersweet hearing those words, because I had wanted them so badly and waited patiently, only to get them when I needed her hate instead.
I still need her to hate me, but I find myself unable to spend the rest of my life without her in it in some way. Pathetic and selfish, but there you have it.
I want her here with my family, her family, where she is loved and surrounded by acceptance. I may never have her, I can’t, but I need her to be where I can see her and ensure that she isn’t alone.
I don’t know why the need is so strong, but after a week in Texas, watching her go through her days alone and on autopilot, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
She isn’t living. I saw it the minute I started watching her like a creep. She’s just going through the motions, and that is my fucking fault because I took a kind, soft woman with the inner strength of ten men and broke her down.
Mom would gut me like a pig if she knew how I hurt Lori. For the last three months, and even with Danny around to lavish her love on, Mom hasn’t stopped nagging me about Lori and why she refuses to come back.
Apparently, they spent hours talking while I was out working with Bear, and Lori told Mom that she would love to stay and be a part of our family.
I encouraged that. No, I didn’t outright tell her that she was mine, but I intimated and led her on, believing that we could be together before—
I grunt and cut off the painful thought, turning to glare at Bear.
“You owe me after I convinced Danny to give your lying ass another chance, so don’t sit here and give me shit about telling Lori one lie. You lie for a living, Bear. Why is this so different?”
His lip curls at my snarl, and I grin inside when he slaps my shoulder, leaving a throbbing ache behind.
“I like Lori. She’s strong and smart, and she doesn’t take heat off no one. She’s a good person, and Mom loves her, not to mention Danny would shank us all with one of her toothbrush shivs if I let you hurt her again.”
My amusement comes forth with a grin at his acceptance of a wife who could kill him in a fit of rage and only regret it after her temper cooled. Bear is crazy about Danny, over the moon about the baby she is carrying. But crazy. Just crazy, because he’s in love with a nut.
“She wants Lori here as much as Mom does.”
“And you?” he asks quietly, watching me in that creepy way he always does when he’s plotting. “Do you want her back, or is this just another one of your mind games?”
I want to curse him out and give him shit for the insult, but I can’t, because I know he has every right to ask me this. I am not a soft man, never have been, and I am even harder after the hell I’ve been through after Sparrow died.
I was the one who had to identify her body after I spent hours combing the streets looking for her when she didn’t come home. I had to look down at that metal slab and see my little sister’s broken body, the obvious signs of being brutalized, and the dried tear tracks smudged on her cheeks with the dirt in that alley where they took her.
I’ve watched over Bear for eight years and did all the dirty work while he planned it all out like a military operation. I was here while I waited for him to come home from his last deployment. I watched Mom stay in bed for days and heard her wrenching sobs late at night.
I watched Pop drink himself sick, day in and day out. And I was the only one who stood strong no matter the grief tearing me apart, because my brothers needed me.
I worked menial jobs just to feed us while Pop’s business fell apart and the bank started calling in loans.
I’ve had to be hard for so long I don’t know how to be soft, and Lori needs more than that from me. I’ve been a whore for years, losing myself in women, letting them love me because I needed love so badly, while unable to feel anything for them.
So, yeah, I get why Bear is asking me about mind games because, as much as it shames me, that is exactly what I did for years. I would make them fall for me and love me to the point of madness, hoping that this time I would feel something and the ice surrounding my heart would melt.
It never happened. Not once. Until Lori.
I was elated when I started feeling again and didn’t have to pretend, but I was also severely let down when it only went so far and I found myself struggling to feel more.
Not that I don’t adore Lori. I do. It’s just that it isn’t the love of legends, and I don’t know how to make it so.
I want a love like my parents have, a deep abiding rock on which to build a life and a family. I want it all, and no matter how I tried, I just couldn’t feel it.
I feel emotions. Pain, longing, sadness, a few spurts of joy here and there, but I am locked down inside, and I can’t open myself anymore.
So, while I hate Bear for shooting straight, I can’t deny that I am a player in the cruelest sense of the word.
“I’m not going to play shit with Lori, not this time. I just want her here where Mom and Pop can love her and Danny can be her sister. That’s it, Bear.”
“Really? Because I was so sure you loved her.”
I ache when he says the words, because, God help me, I wish they were true. I can see Lori as my woman, carrying my children and being a wife and mother.
I want it so much it doesn’t bare thinking about lest I suffocate from the longing. But I won’t do that to her. I can’t. We’d talk late into the night, sharing that little cot I set up in her cell, her body draped over mine as we cooled down from another round of mind-blowing sex.
She’d tell me all about how it was growing up in a trailer with her alcoholic father and her ditzy mom, and she’d get all breathy talking about what she wanted.
A home, husband, children. A family who love each other, and a love that will last through a lifetime and into death.
It was some of the best moments we spent together, because I saw it all just the way she painted it, and for a time, I thought that would be us. I was so sure it would be because I have never wanted a woman as much as I wanted Lori. I was hard all the time when I wasn’t near her, and I spent hours inside her, the hot clasp of her sex around my cock euphoric.
I’ve never had that much sex in my life, not with the same woman, and it was so…good, so hope-inspiring that I just went with it and told myself the rest would come.
When it didn’t, I knew I would have to let her go, and Jesus, that was not easy. It was hard because I wanted to be selfish and tell her things I knew were lies.
I wanted to keep her and pretend and just be with her the only way I could. But what then? Would it be fair to Lori to take her dreams of love and keep her under false pretenses, knowing that I could live the rest of my life saying the words but not feeling them?
No. No, it wouldn’t be fair, and she doesn’t deserve that after the horror she’s been through. So, I let her go, and in doing so, I threw away the only chance I had at happiness.
I’ve been with other women since her, trying to drown her out and reclaim the way things were, but it was just a shot in the dark. Yeah, I came. I screwed a lot and felt pleasure, but it was as empty as it had always been, and honestly, I just felt like shit afterwards, as if I was cheating on my wife.
Stupid, but there you have it. I am ruined.
“Wolf?”
I grunt when Bear pokes at
me, insistent and waiting for a response, though my lengthy silence should tell him I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
“Do you love Lori?” he asks, pushing harder.
“No.”
The word hurts as it leaves my mouth, digging another gouge into my chest, but I haven’t lied to him but for that once when I told him Lori ran from me, and I won’t do it again.
I haven’t told him the truth yet, cowardice on my part, because, while things worked out well in the end, I know that what I did led to him having to make the choice to put his woman in danger.
I have problems plenty, thanks, without worrying about my spook brother killing me while I sleep.
Bear whistles low at the admission and gives me a look that penetrates to my soul.
“I could have sworn you’d be the first to fall. Hell, I even told Danny I thought you fell in love at first sight when you saw Lori…”
I did, but it wasn’t love. It was instant lust unlike any I had ever felt and this hope that filled me. So, yeah, I fell in hope at first sight with Lori, only the hope soon dwindled when I failed myself again.
“If I could love a woman, it would be her,” I say softly, drinking deep of my beer and leaning in to grab another from the cooler beside Bear.
It’s true. If ever I was capable of the emotion, it would be Lori who inspires it in me. But alas, nothing comes forth but desperation whenever I think of her.
“Shit.”
“You can say that again, brother. Look, I appreciate your help, and I know this could backfire on you, but I couldn’t let this go on. I may not be for her or love her like a man should, but I do care about Lori, and she isn’t doing well, no matter what she fills Danny’s head with. She still hasn’t gone for counseling to deal with her trauma, and she’s pulling away from life. All she does now is work and go home.”
I feel guilty, because I know what her life was like before she was taken. She was social and fun, and she had so many friends, of all ages and genders, that I laughed when she told me half of them came to her and she wasn’t even trying to make friends.
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