by BWWM Crew
“I’m surprised Jada still talks to you,” I said. They usually hated Dean after they broke up.
“Yeah well, she can’t exactly get away from me now that we have Keisha. It’s the law.”
“Don’t talk about her like she’s an accomplishment,” I said.
Dean snorted. “Don’t talk about her like she’s anything to you at all.”
I pictured myself climbing on top of him and slugging him through his face until there wasn’t much of a face left. Blood and bruises enough to make up for every time he broke a girl’s heart, and by doing that had broken mine, too. A punch for every time he was supposed to be the big brother and instead he’d left me hanging.
Instead of being rotten, instead of being like him, I turned around and walked out. I readjusted my hat and paused a moment just to breathe. I turned down the street and headed for the Lazy Eye, feeling like I’d been hit by a bus. A bus that held every memory and every person in my past.
It had been wrong to say, but Dean really turned out just like my dad. Heartless, willing to use his strength, his knowledge, his authority against people. Merciless and quick to torture. Emotionally, most of the time, but I didn’t put it past him to do it physically when it came down to it. The only reason it had ended well tonight was because he’d been drunk.
That would also be the only reason why he would forget how bad it had just been by tomorrow. At least I would still be able to make it right somehow.
I walked by Casa Bonita. It was dark and sad in the night. On impulse I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and fingered the bills until I had about five hundred dollars. I pushed it underneath the door. If she needed money, I’d give it to her. She didn’t have to know it was me.
Chapter 5 - Jada
By morning Keisha’s fever was down but it hadn't completely gone yet. I hadn’t heard from Dean at all. Probably out drinking with his friend all night. Keisha and I would have to take a back seat in his life. Again.
Keisha was crying when I got dressed for work.
“I don’t want you to go,” she wailed.
“I know, baby. I’m just going to open up and make sure Christine is okay, and then I’ll be back. Do you want some Captain Crunch?”
She shook her head and climbed onto my bed. She wasn’t eating. That worried me. I switched on the television for her and set it to a kids’ channel. Hopefully she would be okay for an hour without me.
I hated days like this. I couldn’t leave the house without feeling guilty and nervous. Without imagining the worse.
One hour. We could both do one hour. That would be two shows for her and a quick check up at the café for me. I took a deep breath, kissed her on the head, and headed out the door. The café was still locked up so I pushed the door open. The bell jingled and I stepped on a handful of notes. When I stepped back and picked it up, I counted five hundred dollars. I looked around the café like it would give me answer, and turned to look down the street as well. It was quiet and the dim morning light cast a glow over everything that painted the world golden.
This was enough money to take Keisha to the doctor. I took out my phone and dialed Doctor Maud’s number. Her secretary sounded like she was still asleep. I scheduled an appointment for her in half an hour’s time. I wasn’t going to feel guilty about using the money. If someone had pushed it underneath the café door, I was going to use it. Plus it was for my daughter, who mattered more than anything.
Christine arrived five minutes later.
“I need you to keep an eye on the place at least until lunch for me. I’m taking Keisha to the doctor.”
Christine nodded and took the chairs off the table one by one, humming as she worked. She’d run this café alone so many times it wasn’t a big deal anymore.
The first customers walked in and Christine had the coffee machine brewing.
“I’m fine, Jada. Go.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, glancing at my watch. I’d only been at the café for half an hour.
“Positive. I can run this place with my eyes closed. Keisha needs you. If something goes wrong, I’ll call.”
I hesitated for only a moment longer before I ran out the door. The notes crackled in my pocket as I moved. I pushed open the back door and found Keisha asleep on the bed. Her fever was worse again. I climbed on the bed and cuddled up next to her, wrapping my body around her. It’s been six years since I was pregnant with her, and there were days where I still ached for her inside of me. Her body was frail, tiny against mine, and so hot her skin burned against mine.
“Come on, sweetheart,” I said. “I’m taking you to Doctor Maud.”
She opened her eyes and blinked at me with half-shut lids.
“Is she going to hurt me?” She asked. Taking her to the doctor was horrible. Everything that the doctor did, shots, pushing down on her tummy, the cold stethoscope against her chest, everything they did was to get her healthy again. Children didn’t understand that.
“Not this time, baby. I just want to find out what’s wrong so we can make it better. Come on.” I scooped her up into my arms. She was so big, and I felt top heavy, but I still carried her when she was sick. She was my baby.
I loaded her into the car, letting her lie down with a pillow and a blanket on the back seat. When I looked up, I saw Tanner through the window above her head.
“Hi,” he said. He looked terrible, like he’d aged overnight. There were wrinkles around his eyes and mouth that weren’t from smiling, and his jeans and shirt were the same as the night before. They were equally creased, like he’d slept in them and his cowboy hat was missing. I backed out of the car where I’d been tucking Keisha in and straightened up, looking at him over the car roof.
“Morning, Tanner,” I said, trying not to sound too annoyed. “I’m sorry I can’t talk now. I’m on my way to take Keisha to the doctor.”
Something crossed over his face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I walked around the car to get into the driver’s seat, ignoring how unbalanced I felt. I didn’t have time to swoon right now. Tanner looked at Keisha through the car window, sliding his eyes over her features like he was committing them to memory.
“She’s beautiful,” he said.
“Thank you. I’m sorry, I have to go.” I slammed the door shut and drove off, watching Tanner shrink in the rearview mirror.
It turned out it was nothing to worry about. Keisha had an infection, her body was fighting it with fever. The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics, and I had the first dose in her body by lunch time. I made a bed for her in the office and she huddled up in blankets with dolls and coloring books while I took care of customers.
Things were looking up again.
Around lunch time, Tanner came in. He was freshly shaven and he wore a change of clothes. A pair of jeans that looked like they had come off the shelf that morning, and a freshly starched blue dress shirt with them that made his eyes look bluer than blue. His skin was tan and his sandy hair was a styled mess instead of a hungover one. He was also wearing a brand new black cowboy hat.
“How’s the head?” I asked him. He grinned sheepishly.
“Better. Nothing a greasy breakfast couldn’t fix. How’s Keisha?”
“Much better. And so am I now that I know what the problem is. I hate not knowing.”
“I can imagine,” he said and jammed his hands into his jean pockets.
“What can I get you?” I asked after he’d been standing there silently for a moment. It looked like the question brought him back to the present and he frowned at the board behind me where I’d scribbled the options.
“Uh… coffee, I guess. And some cake.”
“We have deli sandwiches. I order them every morning,” I said, suddenly wishing I could offer him more. He grinned and it was the kind of smile that made my knees weak.
When I brought him his coffee and a sandwich, he looked up at me and his eyes held me.
“Do you want to go out with me?” he asked. I felt a blush creep up from m
y collar and felt like a lovestruck teenager. But I shook my head.
“I can’t go out, not until Keisha’s better. I don’t want my babysitter to sit with her when she’s ill.”
“What about her father?” Tanner asked, and my face fell. His did too, and he realized he made a mistake.
“Dean isn’t the kind of father that will babysit for me. Especially not when I go out on a date. He’s just not that kind of person.”
I hoped I didn’t make him sound very bad. But the truth was sometimes I really thought he was that bad. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When I opened them, Tanner had a look on his face that under normal circumstances I would have associated with guilt. But what did he have to feel guilty about?
He nodded and took a sip of his coffee.
“Thank you,” he said and I turned away. I’d just turned down a date with the hottest man I’d seen since I was a teenager. There was something that made me want to be with him, made me want to touch his skin and feel what it felt like. I turned back to him.
“If you like, you can come over in a few days when she's feeling better. For dinner.”
He broke into a smile. “I’d like that,” he said. I nodded and turned away before I made a fool of myself. What was I doing? I hardly knew the man, and I’d invited him into my house? But god, he was gorgeous to look at. Why not?
Indeed, why not…
***
A few days later Tanner knocked on the door at six. When I opened it, he looked great. He’d swapped his blue shirt for a darker version, and he wore shiny black shoes that I could see myself in. I’d half-expected cowboy boots, but this looked worked. Very well.
“You look fancy,” I said, suddenly feeling self-conscious in my slacks and t-shirt. I hadn’t made an effort to dress up. I hadn’t wanted him to think I was like that, I wanted something intense from him. Now I wished I’d made more of an effort.
Tanner looked down at his clothes.
“To me it feels like I’ve dressed down. I'm usually in three-piece suits. For work.”
I stepped aside and he came inside, giving me a bottle of wine.
“You didn’t get this from the local bottle store. Westham doesn’t have classy alcohol like this.” I looked at the label. It must have cost a fortune.
“I have contacts,” he said and winked. He’d probably driven out of town to get it. I felt flattered.
Dinner went well. He was sweet with Keisha, and she took to him. Usually she was so shy around strangers. There were so few in Westham. But she opened up to Tanner, and by the time I got her into bed she’d shown him her whole doll collection, gotten him to build a puzzle with her and they’d colored pictures.
“Thank you for spending time with her,” I said. “She’s a little neglected sometimes with me and Dean both working.”
He shook his head and picked up his wine glass, taking a sip. I wasn’t going to drink more, I already felt like I was walking on air. Tanner stood in the kitchen with me while I washed up, and then he helped me put the dishes away. When I turned to hang up the dish towel, he was so close to me I turned into him.
I gasped for breath. His sudden closeness was amazing. Better than the wine. I should have stepped away, but I didn’t. And then he kissed me.
My whole world stopped.
“We shouldn’t do this. Keisha…”
Tanner’s hands were on my skin, cupping my cheek, tracing my collar bone with his thumb. We were in the bedroom. From kissing to the bedroom had gone quickly, but I wanted this. I wanted him. My body was hot, my skin prickled with anticipation. But I was distracted; my mind drew to Keisha sleeping in her room down the hall. I was torn between being a mother and a lover.
“She’s not going to wake up. You said yourself she's a heavy sleeper. And we’ll be quiet.”
I took a deep breath and looked into his blue eyes. They were open and clear, blue like the sky on a perfect day in autumn. And they were looking at me like they didn’t want to look at anyone else ever again.
“It’s been a very long time since I’ve done this,” I said and my voice trembled at the end of the sentence.
“It’s like riding a bike,” he murmured, his lips against my cheek.
“Tanner,” I whispered, but I didn’t have anything else to add to that. Turned out I didn’t need to have anything, either. He kissed my cheek, drawing me into him, and I closed my eyes. His lips came down on mine and electricity flowed from my lips through the rest of my body in a low hum. His lips were firm on mine, but still soft. He kissed me like I could break, like I was fragile as glass. And at the same time his lips told me everything he hadn’t had the courage to say in words. That he thought I was the most beautiful thing in the world.
And in that moment, I felt it. Everything fell away, Dean and his ridiculous idea of what it meant to be a father. The tough times I’d been fighting through as a single mother. The café that sometimes cost more than it earned. It all faded away in a background that didn’t matter.
Tanner sighed against my lips and his breath was hot on my skin. His hand slid from my cheek around to the back of my neck. The other hand went lower, off my collar bone, but he paused above my breast. I ached for him, the skin on my breast burned with the need of his touch, but he didn’t move down. He leaned against me, pushing me back until I was against my bedroom wall. His body was rock hard, muscles straining against the dress shirt he was wearing. His belt buckle bit into my lower stomach, but what was underneath it drew me.
His hunger for me was complete. He was hard against me, a long shaft that lay against my hip bone, and he wasn’t scared to show it. I shuddered and I wondered if he’d felt the ripple travel through my body as strongly as I felt it.
Whether he did or not I didn’t know, but his kissing deepened. He slid his tongue into my mouth and rolled around my tongue with his own in a slow, erotic dance. It was like he was set on exploring me from the inside out. And god, I wanted him to. I wanted him to find every inch of me, and make it his own. I hadn’t felt like this around a man in so long. If ever. And it was like something woke up inside of me. I felt a twinge between my legs, the proof that I was in touch with my sexuality after all.
His hand slowly slid down onto my breast, and I moaned into his mouth. My nipple was hard under his palm and it was a relief that he was touching me. He turned small circles with his hand, massaging my breast, my nipple, with the palm of his hand. All the time his mouth stayed on mine, and his hips pushed against me.
He slipped his hand into the low neckline, and found my breast again, his skin hot on mine. He fingered the lace of my bra. I broke the kiss and shook my head slightly.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asked.
“No,” I said, sounding breathless and I swallowed. I could feel how wet I was getting, my underwear getting wet. This was a first. I tasted him on my lips when I spoke. “It’s just easier…” I took his hand and guided it down to the hem of my shirt. He understood what I was trying to say and pushed it up, exposing my stomach. I expected him to push his hand underneath and try to do what he was doing before, but instead he pulled the shirt up further. I lifted my arms and he pulled it over my head.
He looked down at me. I was still wearing my bra, but I felt suddenly vulnerable. This was where a man could break a woman. Cutting her deep when she was naked , or almost naked, and was the one kind of damage that couldn’t just be repaired. His eyes dragged over my body, my breast, and he lifted his hand and cupped both. When he looked at me again his eyes were soft.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. I blushed like a teenager. I couldn't believe this was happening so quickly but I needed him. I needed a real man for a long time. He leaned down and kissed my neck and I tipped my head to the side to give him more space. His mouth was like fire, leaving a trail of kisses up my neck before he nibbled on my ear. His hands slid back at the same time and he unclipped my bra, pulling it off so it fell to the ground. I stood in front of him, my breasts free.<
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He didn’t look at them the way he had before. Instead he kissed me again, and with his one hand he found my breast. He rubbed small circles over the nipple with his thumb, driving me crazy. My own arms were wrapped around his neck, and I fished one hand into his collar so I could touch his skin. He ground his hips against mine and left me breathless.
His breathing changed and became like mine, shallow and erratic. I pulled my hands back and undid the buttons on his shirt one by one. He wore a white vest underneath that I pushed up, and I pressed my breasts against his bare skin. It felt amazing being that close to him.
He folded me against his body and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he leaned against me, the length of him between my legs. He turned and carried me to the bed, where he laid me down and kissed down my neck to my breasts where he found my nipple and took it in his mouth. He alternated gently sucking with swirling his tongue around my nipple. I gasped and squirmed underneath him. My legs wrapped around him again and he pushed up against me. I could feel him through his pants and mine, and I wished he would take them off.