Fuck.
“Okay, three things here, Burke.” She held up her hand, counting down on her fingers. “One, you’re being a total asshole—we’ll get back to that. Two, you’re making a lot of assumptions about my life and what happens when I get back to New York. And three, you’re doing that thing guys do, pretending to walk away when they don’t really want to.”
Her eyes lowered pointedly to his dick, which—thanks to the fact that she was standing there lecturing him in nothing but black lace panties and a set of the most gorgeous tits he’d ever had the pleasure of putting into his mouth—was standing at full attention again, tenting his sweatpants.
His blood was running off-the-charts hot for her, but he soldiered on anyway.
“Trust me, Deeds. I really want to.” That’s what his brain was saying, no matter what his dick was trying to tell him. High time he started listening to his brain. His dick, in the same room as Pam? Half naked and all fired up?
Bad combo.
“Bullshit,” she said. “You’re just too scared to face the truth.”
Ash turned away again, trying to block her out. Because more than being hot and naked, more than being beautiful, more than being everything he ever wanted in a woman, Pam was right, and if he kept looking at her, he was going to break wide open, let her right the fuck in.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want this,” she demanded.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Look at me.” She grabbed his arm, yanked him away from the window until he finally turned to face her.
In her eyes he saw his entire life—his past, his right now, and his whole fucking future. Their shared history. Shared secrets, then and now. Their friendship. Their reunion, all the days and nights they’d spent getting to know each other again this summer. Breakfast in bed. This fight. Today. Tomorrow. Marriage, kids, a real life together. He saw it, felt it, and it scared the living shit out of him.
“Say it,” she said.
Lock. It. Down.
Ash took a step back, shaking his head. “I can't do this, Pam. I’m no good for you. I’ve got no job. No dough. No plan. Hell, once this place sells, I won’t even have a roof over my head. I’m sorry, but I just can't give you what you want.”
Lightning split the sky, and Pam’s eyes filled with the same rage Ash had seen on the ocean, her fists clenched, her body shaking, her cheeks red and blotchy. When thunder rattled the windows, for a second he actually thought she’d caused it.
“Then you don't know me at all,” she said, her voice trembling. “Because all I want from you—all I've ever wanted from you—is you. Not money, not a house, not a plan, not even a guarantee. Just you, Ash. You, being here with me, figuring this out.”
“But you're not here," he said, jamming a hand into his hair. “That’s the fucking point. You’re in New York. Ten years ago, you couldn't get there fast enough.” He gestured at the bags stacked at the end of the bed. “And now you can’t get back there fast enough.”
“I was going to school. And you have no idea why I need to go back. I haven’t even told you—”
“Save it. You’re going back for a career that you have absolutely no interest in. A career that's just about killing you.” Ash shook his head, blowing out a frustrated breath. “I never should’ve come back here. Should’ve just stayed gone, made things easier for both of us.”
Pam recoiled as if he’d slapped her, all the rage draining out of her, like someone pulled the drain plug. Her blue eyes filled with tears, her lip trembling as she tried to keep her shit together. It nearly undid him, seeing her crumple like that. Every instinct he had was telling him to go to her, to wrap her up in his arms and never let her go.
But he had to let her go. For both of their sakes.
So he put up every last one of his walls, reinforced them all with steel fucking bars, stalked right past her, and hauled open the bedroom door.
And there, standing on the other side like she’d seen a fucking ghost, her hair wet and matted to her face, her clothes soaked through, her face pale as a sheet, was Lizzie.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ash had no idea how long his sister had been standing there, how much she’d heard, but it took her about half a second to scan the room and put all the missing pieces together.
She stumbled backward, hand on her chest. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Here we go.
“Lizzie!” Pam darted out from behind him, clutching her T-shirt to her chest. “I’m… shit. Wait!” Pam reached for her, but Lizzie jerked away.
“Don’t touch me!” She hugged herself, still stepping backward, trying to get away from them both. “Just don’t… just… what the fuck?”
Ash knew he should’ve said something, tried to smooth things out, but before he could figure out even one lousy word, she was bolting out of there. Down the hall. Out to the deck. Back down to the beach.
Behind him, Pam was shoving her legs into a pair of jeans.
“Where are you going?”
“Where do you think?” She grabbed the NYU hoodie from the top of one of her suitcases, zipping it up to her chin. “I need to find Lizzie. I have to explain.”
“You don’t owe her an explanation.”
“My friendship is on the line here, Ash. Maybe that’s not a big deal to you, but it is to me.”
“I’m just saying, she’ll get over it. She just needs to cool off.”
“So what, I’m just supposed to leave it like this? Thanks for the solid relationship advice, but I’ll pass.”
“Pam, wait—”
“Goodbye, Ash. Thanks for breakfast. Let’s do this again real soon.” She pushed past him, stopping in the hallway just long enough to toss another barb his way. “In another ten years, maybe? You let me know what’s good for you. Or, you know, don’t. As usual.”
Ash didn’t think it was possible to hate himself more than he already did, but now he knew the truth: that well was dark, dank, and bottomless.
He let her go. Watched from the window as she stalked off down the beach, into the rain, hands jammed into her pockets, walking like a New Yorker again, just like he’d seen her that day on the beach—walking like she had somewhere important to be.
Yeah. Away from you, asshole.
Ash didn’t know what the fuck to do. To say. How to fix any of this, or whether he even could. All he knew was that Deeds was gone. It was his own damn fault. And the best thing he could do for her now—the only thing—was to disappear, be gone before she got back. Out of her bed. Out of her way. Out of her fucking life, once and for all.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Pam headed down the beach in the rain, her hoodie zipped all the way up, her eyes peeled for signs of Lizzie. She spotted her about a quarter mile from the house, huddled up on a rocky outcropping with an overhang that partially shielded her from the weather.
The thunder and lightning had subsided, but it was still drizzling, making for a treacherous climb. Still, she wasn’t about to let Lizzie sit up there alone, stewing. Ignoring the NO CLIMBING sign, Pam picked her way up the slippery rocks. When she got to the top, Liz looked up at her, her eyes red and swollen.
Pam braced herself, expecting Lizzie to snap. To tell her to fuck off. But all she said was, “Well. That was an unexpected plot twist.”
Pam hadn’t even thought about what she wanted to say. She’d only wanted to find Lizzie. “I… I don’t even know where to start. Can’t we just…”
Liz turned away from her, looking out at the angry sea.
“I thought… why weren’t you with Luke?” Pam asked, stalling.
“He got called in on an emergency.” Liz shivered against the chilly wind, and Pam had to resist the urge to strip off the hoodie and wrap her up. “Had I known that I’d be walking in on you and my brother having sex, I would’ve stayed away. Believe me.”
“Liz, I didn’t mean to—”
“Not the way you want to p
lay this, Pam. Trust me.”
Panic shot through Pam’s insides. Her heart rate kicked up, her mouth going dry. She didn’t want to lose Liz, her best friend. Her only true friend, when it came right down to it. Was that even possible? Would Lizzie really call it quits?
How could I have been so stupid?
Pam took a deep breath of salty air, swallowing down her fear. This was her own doing, her own mess. It wasn’t Lizzie’s job to talk her down from the ledge. Pam was on her own this time, and the only way through it was just that—through it.
“I get why you’re pissed,” Pam said. “I’d be pissed, too, if I found out you were sleeping with my brother. But—”
“You’re an only child.”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t. I don’t have a fucking clue. You know why? Because you shut me out, Pam. And that’s why I’m pissed. Not because of Ash—because of you.” Lizzie turned to look at her, fire blazing in her eyes. “I hardly ever get to talk to you, much less see you. This whole time I’ve been giving you your space, even though I’ve been dying to hang out, because I thought you needed to work. Then you started having doubts about your work, getting back into photography instead, which—okay, awesome! I was happy for you. Once again, I gave you space. Tried to let you figure things out on your own. I didn’t want to make you feel bad or give you another thing to stress about. Now I find out you didn’t need space to figure things out—you needed it to sneak around with my brother.” Liz sniffed, wiping her sleeve across her eyes. “I mean, how long was this even going on? Since the first day he showed up, or what?”
Pam’s heart dropped into her stomach. It would’ve been easy to say no. To say that it just happened, just that day. But she couldn’t lie. Couldn’t sneak around anymore. When it came down to it, Pam had been lying her entire life—to Lizzie about Ash, to her advisor about her paper, to her boss about her career goals, and most of all, to herself. About who she was. What she wanted. Who she wanted.
She was done with sneaking around. Done with living in the shadows, just like she’d promised herself last night.
“Ash and I got together the summer before I left for New York. When I saw him again here, it was like no time had passed, even though it obviously had. It wasn’t long before… well, before old feelings rekindled.”
Pam’s heart squeezed. Yes, feelings had rekindled—on her end. She’d suspected Ash had felt the same way, even as she felt him pulling away this morning. Holding back. Shutting down. At the time, she’d assumed he was just scared, or sad about her impending departure. But now, she wasn’t so sure. She’d never seen him go so cold. In a flash he just shut down. Shut her out. The fact that he was still standing there meant nothing; it was as if he’d left her all over again, took off without saying goodbye.
“Liz?” Pam said. “Say something. Please.”
Lizzie’s face was red and blotchy, her eyebrows drawn together in utter confusion. Pam could practically hear the thoughts clicking into place as Lizzie reviewed her memories—Pam, hanging out late at the bonfire with Ash that summer, sneaking back into their shared bedroom long after everyone else had gone to bed, claiming she and Ash had been up late playing cards. The stolen glances, the whispered innuendos, the way Pam and Ash always managed to sit next to each other at dinner, at the fire, on the boat Mr. Burke used to rent. Ash had made plenty of friends at the Cove over the years, yet he spent most of his time around the girls. Around Pam.
“I can't believe I didn't figure this out.” Lizzie shook her head, unwilling to meet Pam's eyes. “You know, Decker asked me about you two that day on the boat. Said he got a vibe you guys were hooking up. I told him he was crazy.” Lizzie blew out a breath, shaking her head. “God, I’m so stupid.”
Pam couldn't tell whether Lizzie was shocked or pissed—probably both. Her instinct was to apologize about Ash, but apologizing meant that she felt bad about it. There were a lot of things to be sorry for, but right now, thinking about the way Ash had held her in his arms, his lips on her throat, his eyes fiery and intense as their bodies came together, Pam couldn't make herself feel bad about any of it. Not about this summer. Not about ten years ago. Even after the way things had ended with them, she couldn’t regret their time together.
She wasn't sorry. She just wanted to make Lizzie understand.
“I didn't plan this,” Pam said. “I had no idea he would be here, and no idea that I would still feel this way. Not after all this time.”
“Feel what way?” Liz choked out a laugh. “Oh, you love him, do you? Well don’t get too attached. My brother has a nasty habit of leaving, in case you haven’t noticed.”
Pam winced, her chest aching. Yeah, she had noticed. Ash had made sure of that.
“I should have told you.” Pam said. She wanted to sit down, put her arms around her friend, but she wasn’t sure she should attempt to cross enemy lines just yet. “I’m so sorry, Liz. For keeping secrets and sneaking around. For not trusting you with the truth about my feelings for Ash—now or then. For not spending more time with you out here. I’ve been a shitty friend.”
When Liz didn’t immediately respond, Pam took a chance and sat down next to her, pulling her sweatshirt sleeves down over her hands. The rock was cold and damp, but Pam wasn’t leaving here without Liz.
“Please say something,” Pam said.
“You’re not a shitty friend, okay? You just… you dropped a bomb on me, Pam.” Liz closed her eyes. “I have all of these memories of us—three peas in a pod. All that time we spent together growing up. All the laughs. All the shitty stuff, too, like when Mom got sick. And now I have to accept the fact that none of it was real—not the way I remember it, anyway.”
“Because you didn't know about me and Ash?”
“Because I thought the three of us were friends. Equals.”
“Sorry, but that’s bullshit.” Pam scootched closer, her shoulder brushing against Liz’s. “We were friends, and we are. My feelings for Ash don't change that. Come on, Lizzie. All the stuff you remember—us hanging out—it all happened. Those times were some of the best of my life.”
“Right.” Liz laughed bitterly, pulling back away from Pam. “Because you were sleeping with Ash.”
“That's not what I'm talking about.”
A gust of wind whipped up the rock face, and Pam and Liz squinted against the onslaught, instinctively huddling back together for warmth.
When the wind died down again, Liz finally turned to look at Pam. “I get it, okay? I just wish someone would've told me—namely you. Not to go all middle school here, but you’re my best friend, Pam. We're not supposed to have secrets. Not like that.”
Liz turned her face back toward the sea, and together they sat in silence, watching the waves crash against the shore. The rain was finally starting to let up, but the wind was still gusting, the beach littered with driftwood and matted green seaweed.
“Please don’t hold this against Ash,” Pam said. As furious as she was with the man, she still loved him more than anything. Still wanted him to be happy. He and Lizzie had just found their way back into each other’s lives after ten years of nothing but an occasional phone call. The last thing Pam wanted was for them to grow apart again over this.
“Ash and I have some things to work out,” Liz said. “A lot of things. But we’ll get there. His heart is in the right place—I believe that. He’s just… he’s just Ash, you know?”
Pam sighed. She did know. This summer, after a decade of thinking she’d never see him again, she and Ash had gotten to know each other more deeply, more intimately, more completely than she’d ever imagined possible. Neither of them could’ve seen it coming, but it happened anyway, one kiss, one joke, one intense night at a time.
She just wished she could’ve held on to him a little longer.
After a few more moments of silence, Lizzie scooted closer to Pam, their arms brushing. When Lizzie put her head on Pam’s shoulder, Pam nearly cried with relief.
But that was Lizzie. Heart as big as the ocean. Her capacity for forgiveness was boundless. It was one of the things Pam had always loved and admired about her.
“You know what I was thinking about earlier?” Lizzie asked. “That time we snuck out to meet those guys from Scotland. Remember?”
“You snuck out to meet them. I was just there for moral support.”
“Moral support?” Lizzie laughed. “Is that what you call making out in the lifeguard tower with the hottie Highlander while I had to endure the boring-ass marine biology lesson with his nerdy friend?”
“That was totally not my fault. How was I supposed to resist that accent?”
“It gets less sexy when they’re talking about the evolution of crustaceans, believe me.”
“You intimidated him,” Pam said. “You were too much woman for him.”
Lizzie cracked up, the sound wrapping around Pam like a much-needed hug.
“I wonder if they're sitting on a hill in Scotland right now,” Lizzie went on, “talking about the time they hooked up with those two crazy American girls in California.”
“Maybe,” Pam said.
“I always think about stuff like that. Like how certain people cross our paths again and again, and we might not even realize it.”
“Same,” Pam said. That’s how she’d been feeling about Liz and Ash. About seeing Mrs. Burke again in that photo. About all of the things that had brought her back to California, back to the biggest decision of her life. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“Oookay,” Liz said tentatively. “As long as you don’t drop any more bombs on me.”
“This is a good bomb. At least, I think it is.” Pam took a deep breath, then dove right in. “I quit my program last night. And when I get back to New York, I’m resigning from my job.”
“Wait… what?”
“I’m not happy on that track. I don’t think I ever really was.” She updated Lizzie with the highlights version of her grand epiphany. “The funny thing is, if I’d never had that breakdown, and you hadn’t invited me out here this summer, I’m not sure I ever would’ve figured it out.”
Bad Boy Summer (Bad Boys on Holiday Book 5) Page 14