Titan Magic

by Jodi Lamm

  “I won’t let it happen,” was all he could say.

  Maddy’s muscles tensed with his. The Titan’s feelings said more to her than he could ever hope to say with words. He wanted to pull her away, snatch her from the real world and retreat into another. He wanted to save her. He wanted to keep her all to himself. He wanted…

  “I can’t trust you. I don’t know you.” She closed her eyes, knowing how much what she was about to say would hurt them both. “I want to free myself from you.” Her stomach turned at her own words.

  “If you do, you’ll drown,” he said.

  “I’ll learn to swim.”

  “You’ll drown.”

  Maddy struggled to keep steady on the rolling earth. She didn’t want to ask Jas to help her stand. She didn’t want to rely on him for anything at all. “I’m tired of being afraid all the time,” she said. “I need to face my chaos.”

  “But you don’t even know why it scares you. It isn’t the ocean you’ll face, in the end. Drowning is only a representation of what first created the chaos in you.”

  “Then I’ll have to find out what created it.”

  Jas ground his teeth. “Don’t.”

  “I have to. I want to remember.”

  He rushed in and shook her by the shoulders. “Don’t you dare!”

  “Don’t touch me!” She panicked. She pushed him away, and her whole body suddenly filled with his rage. She tried to let his feelings flow through her, but they burned too much. The smoke made her eyes water whenever she stared into his, trying to see what he’d buried there. More than ever before, she was afraid of him, but she wanted to be strong. She wanted to believe she was someone without him.

  “Listen…” he began, but stopped.

  She could barely stand under the weight of his anxiety. Creator and creation gazed one upon the other, each a perfect reflection of the other’s expression. The longer Maddy waited, the more difficult it became to separate his feelings from her own. Her heart was breaking for him and with him. She mouthed an apology to Marcus; she knew she was about to betray him. “I don’t want to be everyone’s secret-keeper any more. I’m not a priest.”

  Her eyes flicked from the Titan to the grass at her feet and the wind in the trees. This was his world. She knew it now. Her world was colder, the wild and unpredictable chill of the ocean. But Jas existed this way in his dreams: in a meadow, surrounded by a heat so ferocious, it seemed the forest around them burned with invisible fire.

  “I know that I am called ‘golem.’” She felt her throat tighten at the word, but forced herself to go on. “I know that I am made of clay and that the mark on my thigh gives me life. I know that you believe I will become chaotic and dangerous. Everyone you ever trusted thinks the time has come, that I have already lived too long.” She paused as Jas began backing away from her, shaking his head in disbelief. “I know you’re afraid. I’m afraid, too.”

  Jas managed one word in his astonishment. “How?”

  “I learned a lot and pieced it together on my own,” she said. She would only take her betrayal so far. “You’re thinking it’s over now because I know. You’re thinking all hope is gone. You’re shaking and sweating. Your heart is pounding. You can barely breathe. I feel all of it. You’ll kill me for this, but I’m begging you for more time.” She closed her eyes and continued, knowing every word would destroy a little part of him. “There’s a fire here, isn’t there? That’s why the air moves the way it does. And your meadow, your safe haven—what is it to you? Soon, it will burn with the rest. You know that, but you’ll stay here as long as you can. I want to stay with you. I want to fight the fire with you. And if we fail, I’ll give you my body without a struggle. I’ll close my eyes and you’ll erase the mark. I’ll go to sleep peacefully…”

  She couldn’t finish. Jas was crying. He showed her his palm when she tried to approach him. “I can’t do this now,” he said. “I need to… Forgive me. I want you to wake up, and do not dream again until I’ve asked for you.”

  At his words, Maddy woke, blinded by her master’s tears and still breathing in the smoke of his fire.

  Marcus was coiled around her, his face buried in the general’s greatcoat. At first, she thought he must have fallen asleep, but then he whimpered, and she heard him weep in a way that made her think of Jas. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her more fiercely when she did.

  “Why…” Marcus choked. “Why did you tell him?”

  “I didn’t.” She felt his fingernails sink into her skin. “Not everything. He doesn’t know about you. I kept my promise.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Marcus said through his teeth. “He’ll kill you, and my life will be over.”

  “I asked him for more time.” Maddy pleaded, “It was all I could do. He would have known had I lied to him. Marcus, please. You’re hurting me.”

  Marcus did not release her, but dug his fingers in more sharply with every breath he took. “It’s too late now,” he muttered. “It’s too late, too late, too late.”

  She wanted to tell him how she’d protected his secret. She wanted to make him understand, but as Marcus clawed away at her, she realized he wasn’t muttering about their secret at all. Something else had him in its grip. When she felt his lips burn against her throat, she recognized the heat. She tried to writhe out of his impossible embrace, but he only wound himself more tightly around her.

  “It’s awake.” He twisted his hands into her hair and shouted, “Save me! For god’s sake, tell me to stop!”

  Maddy was shocked into silence.

  “Please,” he begged. “Please, I don’t want this.”

  Before Maddy could respond, someone else did. Lotte stood over them in her dressing gown, her eyes full of pity and reproach. “Oh, Marcus,” she said, shaking her head. She gripped him by his hair and pulled him to his knees in one quick, composed gesture. When she had him subdued, Lotte spoke to her daughter. “Go into the parlor, Madeleine. I’ll be there in a moment.”

  Maddy gaped at the two of them. Lotte pulled Marcus’ head back, forcing his chin toward the ceiling to keep his eyes from finding Maddy. He looked like a fish on a line, his throat heaving and pulsing as he struggled to swallow. His cheeks shimmered with tears. Maddy bowed her head, ashamed for him.

  “Madeleine,” her mother spoke more sternly, “go now.”

  Maddy backed through the door of the library, too afraid to look away from her mother. As soon as the door closed behind her, Marcus screamed as though he’d been branded with a hot iron. Maddy covered her ears and ran for the parlor. There she could hear Lotte’s voice filtered into wordless gentling, but nothing calmed Marcus, who cried out again and again in perfect agony.

  By the time Lotte appeared in the parlor, Maddy had curled into a ball in the far corner—her knees pressed to her chest, her hands to her ears. Lotte sighed and crossed the floor to sit beside her daughter. Then, without a word, she wrapped the general’s greatcoat around Maddy’s shoulders. Maddy sank into her mother’s arms and wept.

  “He’ll be all right in time, darling.” Lotte stroked Maddy’s hair as she spoke. “But will you?”

  Maddy bit her lip and swallowed a sob.

  Lotte’s voice was a warm hum in the dark. “I know this must be difficult for you, but forgive him, if you can.” She kissed the top of Maddy’s head and spoke slowly, cautiously, as though she were afraid to say too much. “I never told you this because it wasn’t my place, but it’s something I think you should know. Your brother has been cursed his entire life. His heart is always possessed, and the more powerful the possessor, the more difficult it is for him to fight it. His current possessor is terrible to him, and he is newly taken by it, so he hasn’t practiced fighting it long.”

  Maddy looked up, questioning.

  “He accepted a new possessor for your sake, Maddy dear. It was the price he had to pay in order to bind himself to you.”

  Maddy stared at her mother in disbelief. Lotte had never been one for ex
planations. Everything made perfect nonsense in her world, and explaining anything was a waste of her time. But now Maddy found her mother tangled up in thought about how to best petition on Marcus’ behalf. “He didn’t want to lose you, so he bound himself to you, and now he’s paying the price. He’s suffering more than he has ever suffered. But this time, he has hope because…” She paused and seemed to consider whether to go on. “Well, because you may break his curse.”

  Maddy pointed to herself and mouthed, Me?

  “Yes, darling, because you are not human like the rest of us. Marcus believes you can save him. I think he may be right. But more than that, though he’ll never admit it to you, I believe he’s grown to love you. I can see it. He suffers doubly every time he hurts you. He suffers from his curse and he suffers from his love.”

  Maddy buried her face in her hands. Was it possible Marcus loved her? How would she ever tell the difference between his feelings and his curse? Had Jas been right all along?

  Jas. She’d nearly forgotten how she’d left him. For a moment, she was torn between learning more from her mother and running to find Jas. But curiosity, she decided, could wait. Jas needed her. She hugged her mother and left the coolness of the parlor floor to find him.

  15: Alef and the Beast

  Maddy began her search for Jas at the stables, but found the duke instead. It was dawn. Eli wore his usual overalls and dirty gloves. He had come for a wheelbarrow and was just pulling it from its place when he noticed Maddy watching him. “Well, good morning, little one. My-my, but you look just like a wild girl.” As he stepped closer, he emerged from the shadows into a slit of morning light. “Ah, I see.” He removed his gloves and pressed a thumb to her cheek. “You’ve had a rough morning. James took off in a hurry as well. Are these tears his?”

  She nodded.

  “How horrible.”

  Maddy dug in her pocket, but Eli stopped her.

  “No need,” he said. “You and I have never had difficulty communicating. I know you want to find James, but he’s feeling a little shy this morning, as I’m sure you’re aware.” He smiled. “Why not spend the morning with me instead?”

  She shook her head.

  “You don’t like me?” Eli laughed and his dull eyes glittered just long enough to alarm her. “That’s the price I pay, I suppose. I can be a villain for you, if you prefer, but I want James whole first. So let’s you and I have a truce just until he’s occupying the proper body. After that, I promise to be every bit as diabolical as you expect me to be.”

  Maddy squinted at him. “What if my instincts are wrong?” she asked herself for the second time.

  Eli smiled as though he understood.

  “You can’t hear me, can you?” she said.

  He shook his head. “I can’t hear you, but I can understand your words by the movement of your lips. Come now, you don’t remember anything about me? I must have done a better job on your memory than I intended.” He put an arm around her shoulders and led her outside, abandoning his wheelbarrow and gloves. “I’ll tell you what. Let’s get you dressed a little more comfortably. You can spend the day with me. We’ll do anything you want. My work for today is unnecessary, anyway. Let your master have some time to think on his own. He won’t be rash, trust me. He’ll come back to you at the end of the day, and by that time, I hope you and I will be as close as kin. James will be happy to have his family back, don’t you think?”

  She shook her head.

  “No?” Eli chuckled. “I bet he will.” He patted her shoulder and gazed down at her feet. “Without shoes, too? You impetuous little thing.” He took her hand and dragged her back toward the house. When they reached the servants’ door, he kicked off his boots, and without ceremony of any kind, scooped Maddy up in his arms. “To the bath you go. No arguments, young lady.” When her mother approached them form the hall, Eli called to her. “Charlotte, I’ve caught a swallow who was trying to nest in the stables. I’m going to clean her up and make her sing.”

  Lotte yawned. “Don’t take too long,” she said. “I have breakfast cooking. Oh… You’ll have to forgive me. I let the staff off for a few days, due to my son’s illness. We’ll all have to suffer with my cooking for a little while.”

  “Your boy is ill?” Eli paused halfway up the stairs.

  “I’m afraid so. It happens from time to time. He suffers frequent attacks since the death of his father. He should be fine, given some time to himself. Oh, Eli darling, answer to my prayers, would you be so kind as to take on his work for the time being?”

  “Anything for you, pretty Charlotte.” Eli smiled and turned to climb the stairs again.

  When they came to the washroom, Eli set Maddy on the edge of the tub and slid her petticoat too far above her knees. He kicked a padded stool beside her and began to run the water. Maddy waited for him to hand her a cloth, but he never did. He leaned over the side of the tub himself, his sleeves rolled to his elbows, and poured the water from his cupped hands all along her shins, ankles, and feet. Then he took to scrubbing the mud from her legs with his own two hands.

  Maddy tightened her fists. The duke’s touch was unlike any she had experienced before. While his fingers massaged the earth from her feet, she felt he touched her not as a caregiver of any kind, but as an artist, examining the delicate lines of a masterpiece. He hummed to himself and smiled dreamily. Maddy sat still as a statue, until his hands slipped past her knee onto her left thigh. Then she jumped and slapped his arm away.

  “Forgive me,” he said, when he’d recovered himself. “I am absentminded sometimes. May I?”

  Maddy shook her head, shocked that he would even ask. She was tired of being treated like… well, like what she was.

  “I understand.” Eli stood and fished around in the cupboards for a towel. “You’re a lady now. You’ve a right to preserve your modesty, although it makes me sad to know I’ll never see so much of you again.” His eyes betrayed his nostalgia. “I do wish James would have taken my advice, though, and practiced his penmanship a little more before he marked you. It’s terrible, crooked and vulgar the way it is. I would have done it differently.”

  Maddy cocked her head. What was he going on about? What response was he looking for? Then he answered her questions for her.

  “You aren’t surprised hearing any of this, are you?” Eli offered her his arm and she took it. She stepped out of the tub and sat on the little stool while he knelt to dry her feet. “Has someone told you what you are?”

  She shook her head.

  “It’s perfectly all right if they did. Knowing what you are won’t do you a bit of harm. I only needed to lock away the memory of a specific incident, one that would give rise to your chaos in greater and greater degrees if it remained. Locking your entire past away was my way of being cautious. I had not worked with memory in a long time and wasn’t sure I could effectively remove just one.” Eli’s eyes sparkled as he spoke, and Maddy found them eerily attractive, as though the grey fish behind them now swam in a brook, glistening in the light of the sun.

  “I made this body you know,” Eli continued, brushing his fingers over her foot. “I sculpted it. You were my magnum opus. I’d never created anything so beautiful. If only James hadn’t spoiled you with his terrible handwriting.”

  Maddy wanted to laugh, but the bizarre way Eli looked at her made her stifle it. She felt more like an object than she ever had. He worshiped her in a way that made her think of idolatry. When Eli finally looked into her face, she spoke to him. “You created me?”

  “I formed you.” He smiled, still priding himself on his own work. “It was James who gave you life, though. I can’t give life or take it from you. I’m not a Titan.”

  Maddy chewed her thumbnail as her mother’s lessons on modesty paraded themselves through her head. She shouldn’t show him, really. It wouldn’t be right. But then this man, who had created her body and probably knew it better than she did, might be able answer a question that had haunted her since she first le
arned about the mark. She tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and drew up her petticoat. The mark on her thigh stood out like a fresh scar. “Which character will he erase?” She trembled as she asked. To her, it was like asking which artery Jas would cut, between which ribs would he impale her, which organ would he remove to finish her.

  Eli frowned. “He will erase the Alef. This one.” He pushed her gown further back and traced the character highest on her thigh, the one Maddy had always thought resembled a crooked ‘X’. That will change the meaning of the word, and you will return to the substance from which you were created.”

  “Clay.” Maddy grew more nauseous the longer she thought of it.

  Eli shook his head with a sigh. “It’s tragic,” he murmured, “an eyesore. If only the boy had practiced more.” And he lowered Maddy’s petticoat as though he were only covering a dent in the wall with a tapestry. “Well, little one, I’m afraid I can’t spend the day with you as we had planned.” Eli pulled her from the stool and walked with her into the hall. “I must finish your brother’s work, since he is ill. But I do want to spend a morning with you, soon.” He ruffled her hair. Maddy could still feel his finger tracing the mark on her thigh. She shivered. It was a great relief to her when the man had finally gone.

  She entered her boudoir alone and closed the door behind her, happy for a quiet moment. As she dressed, she grew more and more conscious of the mark on her thigh. It stung when she thought of it, like an open wound. She told herself it was all in her mind. Then she remembered that she used to give herself the same speech about the voice that called her, and hung her head in defeat.

  Marcus flitted in and out of her thoughts. Her eyes found her bookcase again and again—those precious volumes her brother had written, illustrated, and bound for her—until she saw nothing else. Even her own predicament could not distract her from her brother’s curse. “He’s suffering for my sake,” she said. “I have to fix it.” The story of the twelve dancing princesses caught her eye, and she remembered Marcus having mentioned it the night before. So she snatched it up and determined to assess his illness herself.