Annie had no idea how long she cried, but her stomach was cramped and her eyes felt tender and swollen by the time she heard the key in the door. She lifted her head and wiped at her face, dreading the upcoming confrontation.
“I’ve brought lunch!” Siobhán called out. Annie heard the rustle of a bag, and Siobhán’s voice sounded closer as she continued. “Is that something chocolate I smell? Oh, you are the most wonderful thing ever. I’ve been craving it all day. I nearly grabbed chocolate chip cookies at the deli, in fact, but I was trying to ... Annie?”
Annie glanced over at Siobhán as she stood in the kitchen doorway. How can she look so innocent? Like nothing happened? How good a liar is she? “I read the email from Laura,” Annie said dully. “I wasn’t trying to, but I accidentally left my charger at my place. I didn’t think you’d mind if I used your laptop. I wasn’t even snooping. You’d left the email open.”
Siobhán gasped. “Oh, God, Annie ... I ...”
Annie stood, her legs so cramped from sitting in one position for so long she had to grab the edge of the counter to steady herself. But the pain from that didn’t compare to the one in her heart. “You really met her for lunch a few days ago? Without telling me?”
Siobhán looked stricken, but she nodded yes.
Anger rose in her, bright and sharp. “How could you, Siobhán?” Annie lashed out. “You got jealous of my past with Gabriel, and yet you’re the one sneaking behind my back to meet up with your ex-girlfriend. You’re the one who clearly has no idea what she wants. You said you kept the photo of you clam digging because it was a reminder of a bad time in your life and something you never wanted to experience again. I think you’ve been lying to yourself—and to me—about what Laura still means to you! I noticed you took the photo off the fridge recently. Were you feeling too guilty every time you looked at it?” Annie spat. “Good! You should!”
Siobhán looked stricken. “Annie, no, I ... it’s ...”
“No, I’m tired of it,” Annie spat when Siobhán didn’t continue. “I’m tired of feeling like some consolation prize. What am I to you? Laura’s poor replacement?”
“You’re not!” Siobhán burst out. “I swear, Annie. I don’t love you because you remind me of Laura!”
“Guess it doesn’t matter now, does it? God, how could you kiss me goodbye and go off to fuck her?” Annie gestured to the bag in Siobhán’s hand. “And then come back to me with lunch? That’s low. I never imagined you were that good a liar.”
“I didn’t!” Siobhán protested. She set down the bag and took a few steps toward Annie. But she held up her hand, and Siobhán stopped in her tracks. “I did kiss you goodbye. And I did take a few pieces that I’d been storing with me today. But I never had any intention of touching Laura.” Tears spilled down Siobhán’s cheeks. “Was I tempted? When she emailed me about my paintings, yeah, I was tempted for a moment. And then I saw her, and I realized it was the other way around. She was the poor imitation of you. You’re strong, Annie. Strong enough to say what you want. Who you want. You’re not afraid of who you are. But Laura? She is. She’s a bleedin’ coward.”
“But you went to the hotel room.”
“I did.” Annie flinched. “Wait, Annie, listen. It wasn’t for the reasons you think. I met Laura at the hotel, but I didn’t fuck her. I didn’t so much as touch her. I went to give her back the paintings I’d done of her and the two of us together. I wanted to wash my hands of them, start from scratch with you. I didn’t go to make love to her, Annie, or win her back. I went because I needed to say goodbye and let her go. Finally find a sense of closure. Getting rid of those paintings was the last thing I needed to do to move on.” She stared earnestly at Annie. “All I want, all I need—it’s you.”
Siobhán stepped a little closer. Annie tensed but didn’t stop her.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t understand that secrecy.”
Siobhán frowned. “I knew how much my history with Laura bothered you. I thought ... I thought it would be easier if I just got rid of her so we could move on.” Siobhán was near tears. “I love you, Annie. I promise, I just wanted to get Laura out of my head and out of our lives.”
“Were you going to tell me about any of it? Ever?”
Siobhán hesitated. “I—I don’t know.”
Annie shook her head, trying to deny that level of betrayal. “So you were just going to pretend like nothing ever happened?” she spat.
“I was afraid of losing you!”
Annie stared at her for a long moment, then shook her head. “I’m pretty sure you just did.” She tried to push past Siobhán, who grabbed her arm.
“Please, mo grá!” Siobhán pleaded.
But Annie shook her off. “You don’t get to call me that anymore. And you definitely don’t get to call me your muse. Apparently, that’s just something you call all of the women you sleep with.”
“Feck,” Siobhán swore. “Please, Annie, let’s talk. Let me explain!”
Annie turned back to face her. “What is there to explain, Siobhán? I have given you so many chances, and I’m done. We’re done.”
She grabbed her purse off the hook by the door, slipped on her shoes, and was out the door before Siobhán could respond.
Chapter Sixteen
“Annie?” Rebecca’s knock jolted her out of a restless sleep. “Are you in there?”
“Yeah,” she said groggily as she sat up. “I took a nap. You can open the door if you want though.”
Rebecca poked her head inside. “Um, Siobhán is here. Well, not here in the apartment, but standing outside in the hallway. I told her to wait there. She brought by some of your stuff like your phone and laptop. She said you’d had a fight and left your stuff at her place.”
“We did,” Annie said dully.
“She said she wanted to talk, but I wasn’t sure if that was what you wanted.”
“I don’t. Thanks for not letting her in.” She met Rebecca’s gaze.
Rebecca gave her a sympathetic look. “Oh, hun, you look awful.”
“Thanks.” Annie flopped back down.
“No, I just mean you look like you’ve been crying. I’ll go get rid of Siobhán, then I’ll bring you a cool cloth for your eyes. And I’m going to set your stuff down right here, okay?”
“K.”
Annie stared up at the ceiling, listening to Rebecca’s retreating footsteps, voices at the door, and then running water and Rebecca returning.
“Here you go.” She passed a damp washcloth to Annie who obediently draped it over her closed eyes. It did help, actually. Her eyes were swollen and dry from falling asleep crying. The cool dampness was soothing. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
The bed dipped beneath Rebecca’s weight. “I’m really not trying to be nosy. I just want to help.”
“I know.” Annie was grateful. Rebecca hadn’t always been her favorite person in the world, but she appreciated that she hadn’t let Siobhán into the apartment. Annie sighed. “There’s this woman Siobhán used to date. It didn’t end well, and it turns out Siobhán never really got over her. She contacted Siobhán, they met for lunch, and the woman emailed to arrange a ... hookup, I guess. Or to get back together. I don’t fucking know which. I accidentally ran across the email.”
“Oh, hun.” Rebecca squeezed her calf. “That’s awful.”
“And the worst part is Siobhán didn’t tell me about any of it. I mean, I knew about the ex but not about all the recent stuff. She claimed she just went to the hotel to give her some of the paintings she had done of her. I want to believe her, but she hid the whole thing from me. Lied to me about where she was going.” Annie squeezed her eyes more tightly beneath the heavy washcloth. “How can I trust her after that?”
Rebecca was silent for a moment. “Maybe you just need a day or two to cool down, then you guys can talk more.”
“I don’t know.” Annie pressed the cloth tighter to her face as if it would block out the truth along with the li
ght in the room. “I’m not sure I even want to.”
“Why?”
“I put up with all of her jealousy, her insecurity. I tried so hard to be understanding about the baggage she had with her ex. And then the minute that woman crooked her finger, Siobhán went running. Maybe she didn’t cheat, but she still lied to me. She still hid things from me. I’ve bent over backward trying to be understanding. I don’t think I can handle any more.” Annie groaned when she realized she might have to face Siobhán again. “Fuck! Depending on how much she brought over, I may have to see her though. I have a ton of clothes and toiletries there.”
“I think it’s just your laptop and phone and stuff that she brought over. I didn’t see any clothes.”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
Rebecca patted her leg. “If it comes to that, I’ll go get your stuff.”
“You would do that?” Annie sat up, the washcloth falling onto her lap with a damp splat.
“Of course, I would.” Rebecca gave her a small smile. “Trust me. I’ve been there. Well, not exactly, but I’ve had enough dudes lie and cheat on me to know when you just need someone else to deal with it.”
“Thank you,” Annie said sincerely. She leaned forward and hugged Rebecca.
“Of course, hun.” Rebecca patted her shoulder a little awkwardly. They had been living together for two and a half years now, and this was the first time they’d ever hugged.
“I mean it.” Annie sat back. “I couldn’t stand the thought of facing her right now.”
“Like I said, I’ve been there.” Rebecca’s smile was sympathetic. “Come on. You need to get your mind off things for the night. How about I make us something to eat, fix us some drinks, and we can watch TV together?”
“Sure,” Annie agreed gratefully. She had no interest in eating bland, cardboard food and watching some stupid reality show, but it sure beat sitting alone in her room and crying.
***
When Annie staggered to bed later that night, she was exhausted, half-drunk, and feeling slightly sick. The distraction had been welcome though, and Annie was grateful to Rebecca for spending the evening with her.
Unfortunately, now that she was in bed, her mind wouldn’t stop whirling with thoughts of Siobhán.
Her phone beeped quietly on the nightstand, and Annie rolled onto her side to grab it. She frowned when she saw there was a voicemail from Siobhán. A large part of her wanted to check the message and see what Siobhán had said, but she held down the power button until the phone went dark instead. What could Siobhán possibly say that would change Annie’s mind?
Annie tossed the phone back on the nightstand and swore when it slid off onto the floor. She sighed heavily and decided she was too tired and too drunk to care.
She flopped onto her back again and stared at the ceiling. “What am I going to do about you, Siobhán?” she muttered.
Eventually, she fell into a restless sleep.
When she finally crawled out of bed the next morning, after tossing and turning all night, she realized she’d never been gladder she didn’t have a normal 9 to 5 job to go to. There was no way she could have made it.
She staggered to the bathroom and winced when she saw her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was a mess, she’d forgotten to wash her makeup off before bed, and her head throbbed because she’d ignored Rebecca’s warnings to drink plenty of water.
She did the best she could to pull herself together, but as she walked toward the kitchen, she sent up a silent prayer that no one else would be home. Of course, Trent was sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. He nodded at her.
“Sorry things went bad with your girl. She seemed nice.” His voice was a little gruff, but it was much kinder than usual.
Annie swallowed hard and nodded. “Uh, thanks.”
Thankfully, he didn’t say anything else, and she was able to guzzle several glasses of water and make a cup of coffee in peace. She returned to her bedroom, made the bed, and then sat on it, wondering what she should do with herself. She wasn’t really in the mood to work on the blog, but she didn’t have much choice. The world wasn’t going to stop just because she’d gotten her heart broken.
Oh, God, why had she ever created the blog? It was Siobhán’s brainchild and Siobhán’s painting would stare her in the face every time she logged on. Every time she saw an ad for the Quinn Gallery, she’d be reminded of her relationship with Siobhán and how they’d met. How Siobhán had broken her heart.
It was the first career she’d been truly excited about, and now it would be never-ending torture.
“No,” Annie muttered. “I’m not letting you take that from me too, Siobhán. That’s my blog. You don’t get to ruin it for me.”
It was easier said than done, of course, but she felt a sense of determination wash over her. She wiped at her eyes and reached for the laptop bag.
It was either work or mope about Siobhán. Only one of them would accomplish something productive. Siobhán had broken her heart. Annie wasn’t about to let her take her new career too.
She would be a success despite her. She’d just have to learn to live with the reminders somehow.
When Annie pulled her laptop out of the bag, a letter fluttered to the bed. She picked it up with a feeling of trepidation. She handled it gingerly, as if it might spontaneously combust at any moment. Or maybe that was just her heart that was in danger of that.
She had to take a deep breath before she steeled her spine and began to read.
I’m sorry, Annie. I made a huge mistake. I realize that now. The minute Laura contacted me, I should have told you.
And I never should have met her at the hotel. I don’t know why I did that. I went with the best of intentions but maybe I wanted her to think for a minute that I was there for her. Maybe I wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me. But you’re the one who ended up getting hurt, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. You deserve better.
And I don’t know that there’s any way I can get you to forgive me or earn your trust again, but I will do whatever it takes. I love you, Annie, and I can’t imagine my life without you.
The letter was short and to the point, but by the time Annie finished reading, tears were streaming down her cheeks. She wiped them away and sat back against the headboard, closing her eyes for a moment, her determination to cut Siobhán out of her life and move on wavering.
She was still angry at Siobhán. So fucking angry. Her heart still felt like it had been stomped on. But she was starting to think she might have to face Siobhán at least one more time.
She was afraid if she walked away from Siobhán without talking to her, she’d never get over her.
Annie had seen what unresolved feelings had done to Siobhán. Even if Annie never forgave Siobhán, maybe it was better for her to confront her, clear the air, and then move forward. Because if she didn’t, she was afraid she’d wind up regretting it.
“Better to get it over with, I guess,” she muttered quietly to herself. “You can fall apart after.”
Annie got up, dressed in the first clothes she could lay her hands on, and did little more than scrub her teeth and run a brush through her hair again. What did it matter how she looked?
She ran into Rebecca on her way out. “Hey, how are you doing?” she said softly.
Annie swallowed. “I’m okay.”
Rebecca’s gaze swept over her. “You heading out?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to see her?”
Annie nodded. “I don’t know what will happen, but I want to talk to her. At the very least, maybe I can get some closure and get my stuff from her place.”
Rebecca frowned, and for a moment, Annie thought she was going to try to talk her out of it. Or comment on her un-made up appearance. “Well, good luck,” she said instead. “Let me know how it goes. I’m here if you wanna talk.”
“Thanks,” Annie said gratefully. “I know we’re not super close, but you’ve been really great.”
>
“Hey, we girls have to stick together,” Rebecca said. “Just so you know; my favorite ice cream is Death By Chocolate, so you may want to have some on hand for when it’s my turn.”
“That’s a pretty cynical view of relationships,” Annie pointed out.
“Yeah, I know.” Rebecca sighed. “I’ve just dated enough douchebags to know that’s how it goes. I was starting to think maybe you were onto something with the lesbian thing, but I guess not.”
Annie managed a faint smile. “I don’t think any gender has a monopoly on being a jerk. I’d just gotten out of a relationship with a guy when I moved in here.”
“Yeah, fair enough,” Rebecca said. “I mean it though. I’m here for you.”
“Thanks. I don’t have a lot of close friends, so that’s really nice.”
“Of course. Uh, look, I hate to cut this short but I’ve gotta run or I’ll be late for work.” She sounded apologetic.
“Oh, sorry.” Annie stepped back. “Go. I’ll let you know what happens with—with Siobhán.” It was painful to say her name. God, could she really cut Siobhán out of her life completely? She couldn’t imagine it. But she couldn’t imagine what Siobhán would say that would make Annie forgive her either.
“Thanks.” Rebecca grabbed her purse off the bench by the door. “See ya.”
Annie put on her shoes and followed more slowly, torn between reluctance to face Siobhán and a need to get this over with. Whatever this was. She’d been fully convinced there was nothing Siobhán could say that would make her change her mind about breaking up. But now, Annie was less sure of that. And even less sure of whether or not she wanted Siobhán to succeed.
Chapter Seventeen
Annie had to take several deep breaths before she could knock on Siobhán’s door. Siobhán opened it a minute later.
Annie felt a guilty stab of satisfaction at her messy, unwashed hair, the dark circles under her eyes, and the blue T-shirt Annie recognized as her own. She wore it with a pair of yoga pants and a thick, warm-looking sweater Annie knew she’d brought back from Ireland on her last trip home.
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