by PJ Sharon
I sighed and dismissed my plan, picking up my pace. Aside from my chronic state of irritability over the past week since I’d last been high, I missed the buzz—that foggy haze that made everything seem a little brighter and a fraction less bleak. The fact that Ethan hadn’t brought up any more about my pot smoking or the trouble I’d gotten into back home gave me one more reason to be grateful for his friendship. It seemed he’d come to understand my need to dull the ever-present ache that resided in my heart. At least he didn’t appear to hold it against me.
When we finally reached the church on the hill, Maddie had already entered. I tossed the requisite shawl over my shoulders and ducked inside, happy to escape the heat for a few minutes. The high domed ceiling and stone walls gave the place a cavernous feel. Giant, full-length stained glass windows depicting the “passion of Christ”—according to Maximo—echoed the sacred cross that adorned the front of the church. Tall, red candles stood on an altar along one wall.
I was surprised to see Maddie lighting a candle and then kneeling in a front pew. The polished, ancient wood, gleamed in the sun’s rays that showed through the stained glass in a kaleidoscope of color. She looked serene as she gazed up at the cross, and I wondered what she could be thinking. Was she praying for Grandpa Henry, my dad, Amanda...me? A familiar fragrant scent wafted through the air. My throat closed and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.
“I need to get out of here.” I turned to dart for the entryway.
Ethan was at my side when I reached the heavy wooden door. “What’s wrong?”
I sucked in a deep breath as I burst out into the hot sun, the scent of Frankincense still strong in my nose. “Ever since...Amanda...I can’t stand the smell of that incense. It makes me feel sick.” I pushed through the crowd heading into the church, passing an ancient, weathered man who stood hunched and toothless, handing out scarves to the tourists who irreverently bared their shoulders. I flung off the shawl and balled it into my hand as I made my way to a nearby bench overlooking the village below.
Ethan dropped down beside me. “For me, it’s the smell of hospitals. After spending so much time there when my mom was sick, I can’t stand the smell of antiseptic.”
“That could be a problem if you’re planning to be a doctor,” I said, allowing a fraction of a smile to surface and glad to take the focus off me.
“You think?” he said, a wiseass grin spreading across his face.
“Does your dad know you don’t really want to go to medical school?” My tone grew serious.
“I haven’t had more than a three sentence conversation with him to even talk about it.”
“Don’t you think you should tell him?”
He slipped his hand into mine. Our fingers laced together, my pinky sliding naturally between his last two fingers and settling into a comfortable fit that felt like it had always been there.
“That’s the problem. I don’t know. Being a doctor seems like a cool idea. Saving lives, helping people. I could see myself in family practice maybe. But my dad sets the bar pretty high. I don’t think I could deal with all the pressures of being a surgeon. And I’ve seen how demanding it is. I don’t want it to take over my whole life, you know?”
“You don’t have to be a surgeon. You don’t even have to be a doctor if you don’t want to. You’re eighteen. You get to decide for yourself what you want to do. You’re lucky. At least you have a choice, now. I can’t wait to turn eighteen so I can do whatever I want.”
“I’m not sure it really works that way.” Ethan cocked his head toward me, raising a dark brow. A sarcastic grin slid in place. “It’s not like I turned eighteen and instantly had unlimited options. As long as I’m in school, my dad kind of holds all the cards.” He rubbed his thumb across my knuckles, sending a curl of warmth to my insides. Then his expression changed to one of curiosity. “If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?”
“I wish I knew.” I looked down at our entwined fingers. “Mostly, I want to be able to make my own decisions. But everything gets so complicated. If I want my license, I have to pass my test, get a job, and pay for my own insurance. If I want a car, I’ll have to pay for the gas and repairs. If I move out and don’t go to college, I have to get a full time job that pays enough for me to live on. It all seems like...too much.”
Ethan chuckled. “I hear you. Becoming an adult kind of sucks, right?”
“I’m just tired of people telling me what to do and how to feel.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. Warmth seeped deep into my chest and I sighed, a measure of contentment mixing with the restlessness that was making my head spin.
“It won’t be long before all that adult responsibility crap falls onto both of our shoulders,” Ethan said with a hollow tone. “Maybe we shouldn’t think about it anymore. Can’t we just try to enjoy the cruise and have some fun?”
“That’s what I was trying to do earlier when I wanted to buy some weed from those locals. I know you were looking out for me, but I’m not dumb. I could have scored us a joint for later on board the ship. That would have made my day.”
A low chuckle escaped and Ethan squeezed my fingers. “You are trouble with a capital T, aren’t you?”
“That’s one of the most interesting things about me,” I said smugly. I lifted my chin to see a wide, full-lipped grin that made my insides float.
He laughed. “I’d hate to see your less charming qualities.”
“I think you already have,” I replied. “I know I apologized about the other day, but I wanted to say it again. I’m really sorry for the attitude. My nerves have been on edge since this trip started. Not only did I not want to be here, I pretty much decided right from the start that Maddie was conspiring with my mom and stepdad to make my life miserable.”
“It doesn’t seem that way to me. Maddie is actually pretty cool for a grandparent. You could do worse. I never even knew any of my grandparents. They were all gone by the time I came around. My mom and dad had me later in life. I guess Dad wanted to wait until he finished medical school, and by the time they tried to start a family, it wasn’t as easy as they thought. My mom had trouble carrying to full term. She had a bunch of miscarriages and then finally—me.” Ethan stared out at the mountains overlooking the sea as if the weight of his words might bring them crashing down.
I leaned into him and nudged his shoulder, bringing his focus to my eyes. “I’m glad they kept trying.” His lips curved up as I met his gaze. “The world would be a lesser place if you weren’t in it. I can’t imagine this trip without you,” I added with a shy, downward glance. “I think you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.”
When I looked up to see his response, Ethan’s smile lit his eyes. The green reflected the sea, and golden flecks danced with the sun’s rays.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” He squeezed my fingers and laid a kiss on my forehead, then relaxed his shoulders and stared into the distance. “I wish my dad thought so.”
Chapter 19
I was sad to say good-bye to Palermo but I was excited for the next day. Although seeing the Vatican Museum and St. Peter’s Basilica would undoubtedly be amazing for its history, art, and architecture, I was more concerned about Ethan, who shifted anxiously from foot to foot beside me as we waited to pour out onto the dock to meet our tour guide. If all went well, Ethan’s dad would be on shore waiting to join us.
A wall of heat rolled over me as we stepped into the bright sunlight, the day’s temperature expected to climb into the ninety’s and already a notable change from the cool breeze out at sea. I’d worn a pair of checked board shorts that went down to an inch or two above my knees, and a plain white tee with my requisite water bottle and sunblock stuffed in a small daypack slung over one shoulder. I’d found a sweet hat with a visor to keep the sun exposure to a minimum and was glad for my new shorter, cooler hairstyle. I slid my sunglasses in place.
Ethan pointed and called out, “There’s my dad!” He w
aved to his father who stood on the other side of a fountain in the center of a large square, statues of Romanesque women circling the marble base. The man tucked his phone into his shirt pocket and waved us over, his smile only half lighting his face. An ominous twist hit my gut.
We made our way through the crowd heading for the buses, but veered off toward Ethan’s dad, Maddie in tow, carrying a purse large enough to house a litter of puppies.
“Did you really need to carry that bag with you?” I asked, a little embarrassed as she rummaged through the oversized tote and drew out her sunglasses.
“You never know what you’ll need on these excursions.” Her arm delved into the bag up to her shoulder. “I hope my Mounds bars don’t melt.” She dug deeper, her whole face disappearing as Ethan’s dad walked up. She popped her head up when he spoke.
“Maddie, right?” His grin widened for a moment at the sight of my grandmother. “Nice to see you again.”
“Likewise,” Maddie responded as she slid the bag up onto her shoulder, instantly charmed when he shook her hand. Then he turned his attention to Ethan and the charming smile faltered. I felt Ethan go still beside me and wondered if he had stopped breathing. “That was the hospital in Paris. My patient has been running a low grade fever all week. Unfortunately infection is a common problem after this type of surgery. He’s a high level official at the French Embassy and...well...it’s very important that nothing interferes with his recovery.” He looked from Ethan to Maddie as if he was waiting for someone to acknowledge that he wasn’t invisible. Everyone remained silent and I heard a low humph come from Maddie.
“Can’t you even stay for the tour?” Ethan’s voice sounded a little desperate and my heart stung for him. His father shook his head.
“I’m sorry, son...I...”
“Whatever.” Ethan turned on his heels and beat a path back toward the ship.
“Wait...” his father called.
“Let him go. I’d like a few words with you,” Maddie said, her tone steely. She shot me a glance and gestured for me to go after Ethan. I left the two of them standing by the fountain, Doctor Kaswell’s face a rigid mask of regret.
It took me a minute to catch up with him, only steps from stalking back up the gangway. “Ethan, wait.” He stopped but kept his back to me. I reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder, but he flinched away.
“I don’t need you feeling sorry for me. I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine,” I said softly, letting my hand drop. “Why don’t you come on the tour with me and Maddie? You don’t want to miss out on your chance to see Rome just because your dad’s being a jerk.”
Ethan swung around. “He’s not a jerk. He’s a doctor. I know that his patients come first. It’s just...” his voice shook and he closed his eyes as if searching for control. “I’m sick of it, that’s all.” By now his tone had dipped to barely a whisper and his fingers had flexed into fists. He peered, narrow-eyed at his father who was in an intense exchange with Maddie, her doing most of the talking I noticed with satisfaction.
“I wouldn’t want to be him right now,” I said, drawing a tiny smirk to the edge of Ethan’s mouth. His shoulders relaxed a fraction, and he crossed his arms over his chest as his father headed our way with Maddie in the lead. Martin Kaswell’s face held deep creases that suddenly made him appear much older. As soon as he reached the gangway, he focused on Ethan, his expression pleading.
“I know I’ve said this before, but I’m truly sorry about this, son. I’ll make it up to you...I...” he stopped short of the word promise, knowing full well his word meant very little. Unexpectedly, he pulled Ethan into a tight hug. Ethan responded with a half-hearted embrace and then let his hands drop.
“So when do we meet up again...or shouldn’t I ask?” Sarcasm laced Ethan’s tone, his face stony, but his eyes were too sad to hide the emotion behind the comment.
A frown crossed the doctor’s face. “I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know. I don’t want to promise a plan until I know I can make it work.” He glanced at Maddie. Meanwhile, the tour guide waved insistently at us to join the group. “You go on the tour with Maddie and...”
“Lexi,” Ethan said, clearly annoyed when his father hesitated.
“Yes, Lexi,” he replied, smiling at me for the first time and meeting what I hoped was a premium grade scowl. “Of course. You two have fun on the rest of the cruise.” He turned back to Ethan. “As soon as this patient is stable and I can get away, I’ll fly to wherever you are. The French government has given me full use of their transport.” He ran his hands through his hair, sweat beading on his forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”
When he disappeared into the crowd, Ethan let out a long breath—the one he’d been holding since his father’s arrival.
“It looks like you’re stuck with us for today,” Maddie said. She held up a credit card with Doctor Kaswell’s name on it. “Let’s go blow some money in Rome. I think some retail therapy is in order.”
Chapter 20
Maddie picked out a five hundred dollar suit coat and held up a tie for Ethan, who shook his head and made a face. She shrugged, a warm smile lighting her eyes. “Too business for your needs. How about this?” She picked up a slick brown leather jacket.
“It’s kind of warm for leather,” Ethan said, putting the tie back on the rack. “Honestly, I don’t really need anything.”
“Oh, this isn’t about needing anything, my dear boy. It’s about revenge. And about making a point,” she added as Ethan and I shared a look of shock. “Your father needs to have the point driven home that nothing...and I mean nothing, is more important than you. There will soon come a day when you’ll be so busy in your own life, you will have no use for him. When that day comes, he will be one sorry man that he neglected to show you how special you are to him.” Maddie picked out a cashmere sweater vest. “Oh, this is nice.”
“I’m not really a cashmere kind of guy.” Ethan grabbed a pair of Italian leather boots off the shelf. “So you’re saying that spending my dad’s hard earned cash will get his attention?” Ethan kicked off his sneakers and jammed a foot into a boot. “I hate to break it to you, but I’ve tried that before. It hasn’t worked.” He tugged on the second boot, then checked out how they looked in the mirror.
“Nice,” I said, my focus so not on the black leather boots. He caught me admiring the way his jeans hugged his hips. His ears turned red, but he gave me a grateful smile as he pulled the boots off and handed them to the saleswoman.
Maddie nodded her approval. “Well, something has to get his attention. It’s not right that he makes all those promises and then lets you down time and again. It’s not fair to you, and he is missing out on what a wonderful young man you are.”
I grinned inwardly at Maddie’s lioness stance on the issue and how adamantly she defended Ethan. Clearly, she was very fond of him. I could see it meant a lot to him, but his words still carried the weight of disappointment.
“I don’t need his attention that badly,” Ethan said. “I’m not a kid anymore. If he hasn’t figured it out by now, I doubt he ever will.” A dejected expression clouded Ethan’s face, and I wanted nothing more than to hug him and to do whatever it took to erase his pain. The tour guide waved the orange flag and shoppers congregated outside the exit of the store, ready to move on to our next stop.
To avoid long lines and give Maddie a chance to rest before we hit the Vatican, we took the tour bus highlighting the main attractions in Rome. We crossed the snaking Tiber River, which bisected the city, and then we drove slowly past the Coliseum and the Forum. Our tour guide, a slender Italian woman with a thick ebony pony tail, spoke in heavily accented English.
“Completed in 80AD, the Coliseum once housed as many as fifty thousand spectators—all crowded in for entertainment as unarmed men engaged in a battle to the death against lions or against each other. Violence was a drug in a depraved society. Some might find a parallel in today’s spectator sports like your American f
ootball, no?” She said it with a mischievous grin that had the tourists chuckling.
I tuned out the rest of her history lesson and focused on every cut stone and massive archway we passed. I was dying to get out and walk around inside the ancient ruins, but it would be impossible to see it all with the little time we had. In awe of the ingenuity and the feat of human strength it took to build a structure that could withstand two thousand years, I admired the ornate archways and incredible detail in the sculpted stone of the Coliseum and the massive carved amphitheater of the Forum. I’d always been fascinated with architecture, but this was...incredible.
We drove past the Piazza di Spagna, known as the Spanish Steps, a massive marble staircase where people congregated and took photos as if they were supermodels on location. Then it was past the Trevi Fountain and I wished I had time to get out and toss in a coin to ensure I would return, a romantic tradition Maddie said was made famous in movies, but one that made perfect sense to me. I craned my neck to catch every statue, every fountain, and every monument.
“Isn’t this amazing?” I turned to Ethan, who sat quietly beside me.
“Yeah, great.” He stared blankly past me out the window.
“Still bummed about your dad?”
“I was kind of looking forward to seeing Rome with him. We’ve talked about it for years. He and my mom came here on their honeymoon. He was supposed to show me all the places they went together. I thought...it doesn’t matter what I thought.” His expression darkened and he released another sigh.
I slipped my fingers through his and gave his hand a light squeeze. “Now you’ll have memories of your own, right?” I tried to act happy but the sad look in his eyes made me instantly angry with his father. Doctor or not, he was a jerk for hurting someone I’d grown to care very much about. My heart ached for Ethan. Knowing that our time was limited and that in a matter of days, all we would have was memories of each other to take with us, I was filled with new determination to make the best of our time together. Attempting to draw a smile, I nudged his shoulder. “Wait ’til you see the Sistine Chapel. I hear it will make a grown man cry. Should we stop and get a box of tissues?”