by PJ Sharon
Maddie removed the towel from her hair and shook it out, fluffing the red curls in a halo around her head. “That’s the smartest thing I’ve heard you say since you came to stay with me. There might be hope for you yet, my dear girl.”
But even as she said it, thoughts of a future without Amanda in it sent a cold chill through my insides. Moving forward seemed like a betrayal somehow. As if by living my life and being happy, I’d be slapping my sister in the face. The mere thought of going off to college, especially after what had happened to her, sent jagged edged glass to my insides. The only way I could see myself going on was to move past my fear, past my sadness, and past my guilt over being here—while she was...gone.
Add to that, my confusion over what to do about Ethan. It wasn’t like I could expect him to wait around for a couple of years while I finished high school and figured out what I was doing with my life. College for him would undoubtedly include access to girls his own age and all that went with living away from home and making his own decisions finally. My chest tightened at the thought of him with anyone else and my jaw clenched, sending a shooting pain to my forehead. Whatever future lay ahead of us was full of unanswerable questions and more unknowns than I could bear.
Chapter 24
Our day at sea started with a light breakfast on the Lido deck and hanging by the pool until noon. Ethan had slept in and appeared slightly bleary eyed stepping off the elevator as I was coming out of the water. The hot sun beat down, warming my skin. Then a slight breeze sent a chill through me. His gaze cascaded over my body and then he glanced away, his ears turning bright pink. He made his way to the table and addressed Maddie.
“How are you today?” he asked, keeping his eyes diverted from me in my bikini.
Maddie lowered her sunglasses and peered up at him. “I suspect I’m better off than you. I must say, Ethan. You look positively green.” She turned her attention to me. “And cover up young lady. You girls these days show off an obscene amount of flesh. You’re going to embarrass this poor boy.” Her attention shot back to Ethan and she narrowed her eyes. “You aren’t suffering seasickness, are you?”
Ethan and I exchanged a glance as I dried off and wrapped the large towel around my body and under my arms. A low mumble came from his throat in response to her question. “No ma’am. It must have been something I ate.” He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his shorts and shuffled his Teva-clad feet side to side. His white tee with the words Life is Good arcing over a skier in mid-jump seemed unconvincing compared to his pained expression.
“With your appetite it doesn’t surprise me.” Maddie chuckled as she pushed her sunglasses into place. “I think we should all have a chat.”
My stomach twisted. I lowered into a seat and cast a glance at Ethan who followed, pulling a chair closer to the table and slowly taking his place across from my grandmother, who appeared to be prepping for either an interrogation or a world-class lecture. Sliding the plate of muffins and assorted pastries in front of Ethan, Maddie signaled the waiter, who proceeded to pour coffee and juice. Ethan nibbled a muffin and sipped the coffee, his eyes closed as he took in the scent of the aromatic blend.
“You two obviously have it bad for each other,” Maddie started. “So what are we going to do about it?”
I sucked in a breath through my nose, followed by a frustrated sigh. Ethan stopped chewing, his Adam’s apple jumping twice before he swallowed. Clearly, neither of us wanted to be part of this conversation.
But much to my mortification, Maddie continued, focusing her laser-like gaze on Ethan. “What are your intentions toward my granddaughter?”
Ethan straightened in his chair, slugged down half his juice, and took a slow breath. “I...well, I’d like to date your granddaughter.” His eyes darted to mine. “I understand that our relationship will have some—restrictions.” A pink tinge crept up his neck and down from his ears, turning his face a splotchy red. I wondered if he would pass out. He carefully chose his next words as he brought his full attention to meeting Maddie’s cool gaze. “I know it might be challenging with Lexi having another year of school and me going to Columbia, but I’m hoping we can keep in touch and...see where things go from there.”
The blush in my own cheeks flamed to the surface. At least he wasn’t dismissing the idea altogether.
“You are wise beyond your years, young man.” Maddie released her stiff posture and stern expression, lifting her coffee to her lips and leaving a bright red ring on the edge of the cup. “Then I don’t want a repeat of last evening’s...hmm...shall we call them activities.” She raised her hand before Ethan or I could try to cover with a protest. “I don’t want the details, and I don’t want any silly excuses. I have eyes and ears everywhere on this ship, so don’t think you can pull the wool over my eyes. The fact is, you two are faced with a difficult situation over these next few days. I’m not so old that I’ve forgotten the attraction of hormonal lust. When you add an exotic location and a romantic cruise with plenty of opportunities to be tempted, it’s a recipe for trouble.” She crossed her legs and adjusted her long skirt to cover the bony prominences of her knees. Then she pulled her wide brimmed hat lower and slid her sunglasses off again for emphasis. “Obviously I can’t chaperone you every minute, so I’m counting on the two of you to be responsible. I know I’m asking a lot, but please respect my wishes and move slowly with your friendship. You have plenty of time ahead of you to let it unfold naturally. I don’t understand why young people are in such a hurry.” She reached for a second cheese Danish, leaving the conversation open for a response. My jaw clenched and words crept to the surface without a thought.
“Maybe because we know how short life can be,” I said in a low voice, avoiding eye contact with Maddie. “Ethan and I both know there are no guarantees about tomorrow.” I glanced at Ethan whose face turned serious, a look of comprehension passing over his features. “Maybe that’s why it seems like now is all we have, and waiting feels like a stupid waste of time.”
My voice sounded small and the heat returned to my face. Speaking aloud the revelation I had discovered not long after Amanda’s death seemed too intimate to be sharing with anyone, but it had to be said. Maddie needed to know that there was more at play than simple teenage hormones, no matter how powerful those might be. Ever since Amanda had died, I felt a certain urgency to live life to the fullest, to experience everything I could, to try not to worry about the future and what tomorrow might bring. Maybe it made me impulsive and unfocused about planning ahead, but it also gave me a sense of control—however elusive and fleeting.
“I see.” Maddie nodded. “It’s true you’ve both suffered terrible losses in your young lives.” She hesitated, shifting her gaze from Ethan to me. “But perhaps it’s time to stop living in fear and start planning for a future. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be in the moment and to enjoy each day. Live in the moment, but create your future through the choices you make in those moments.” She must have noted my skeptical frown. “Don’t discount that moving forward will bring you many more wonderful times in life—if you plan accordingly and make responsible choices.”
I wanted so much to tell her that I was trying, but considering I’d spent the night before blowing my first two weeks of sobriety, I could hardly argue. Instead, I balled my hands into fists.
She turned her attention to Ethan, a sparkle in her eye. “Ethan has a fabulous future ahead of him, thanks to a solid upbringing—no doubt attributed to his mother’s influence,” she added dryly. “But success is about more than being afforded some privileges.” Her face grew solemn as she addressed him directly. “Regardless of what you think, your father is very proud of you—as he should be.”
Her expression turned cooler as she turned to me. “You, my darling, should take Ethan’s good example to heart and stop this nonsense of smoking marijuana and getting into trouble. I know you miss Amanda, but you need to move on and smarten up. It’s truly the best way you can honor your sister.”
I pushed my chair back and stood, letting the towel drop. “I’ve heard everything you’ve said, Maddie. And I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but when and how I move on is up to me to decide.” I jammed one foot and then the other into each leg of my shorts and tugged them up over my hips. “I’m sorry I can’t get it together like everyone else, but this is who I am.” I buttoned the shorts with harsh, jerky movements, my hands trembling. “If people can’t accept me, that’s their problem.”
Tears stung my eyes as I grabbed my sunglasses off the table, turned, and stalked away. Where I was heading was anyone’s guess.
∞∞∞
We sailed through the Straits of Messina along the coast of Italy, passing the tip of the boot. I stood on the top deck with dozens of other passengers as we cruised past Stromboli, an active volcano that jutted up out of the sea in the middle of nowhere, its crown shrouded in clouds. Tiny villages dotted the coastline and I wondered who in their right mind would build their lives on the edge of a precipice that was almost guaranteed to be wiped out in a boiling river of lava someday. Obviously people with no fear of consequences—people willing to take a chance on an unknown future.
Neither Maddie nor Ethan came looking for me and I was glad. I needed some alone time to process what Maddie had said. Deep down, I knew she had my best interest at heart. She was only trying to warn me about going too far, too fast with Ethan, and hoping to send me a message about being more responsible than I had been. Although her methods were dirty, and she’d mostly succeeded in making me feel like crap, I couldn’t argue with her advice. At least Ethan had made it known that he wanted more than a vacation hook up and the thought cheered me more than I wanted to admit. How we would ever be able to make a relationship work was another question entirely.
I wandered into the Crow’s Nest where Tommy was setting up for his afternoon show and Name that tune game. We’d had several conversations since I’d helped myself to his guitar. He looked up and grinned when he saw me. “Hey, Lexi. I haven’t seen you around much. How’s the song writing business going?”
Glad to shift my focus to something else, I settled onto the edge of the piano bench beside him as he slid over to make room. “I’ve got a couple songs in the works,” I admitted. It seemed my music was the one place I could truly be me.
“I figured as much. Why don’t you sing something for me?”
My insides squirmed. “I don’t know. I don’t like singing in front of people.”
“Pretend you’re all alone singing in the shower.” He nudged me with an elbow and grinned.
“You really want to hear it?” My heart pounded and my palms felt sweaty at the thought of singing and playing in front of even an audience of one.
“Sure. C’mon. It’s just you and me here. Show me what you’ve got.”
I tugged my small music journal out of my back pocket and opened to a song I’d been working on. I wrote a few notes on the page, grabbed the guitar off the stand, and strummed the chords, my fingers itching to play again. Tommy caught the tune and jumped in on the Baby Grand, bringing the music to life in a way that sent a thrill through my veins. The added volume and perfect harmony gave the tune a richer quality and the words floated above the notes as I sang them out, low and strong. When I came to the end minutes later, Tommy let a toothy grin spread across his face.
“I like it! What do you call it?”
My lips curved upward slightly. “As of right now, it’s called, Ethan’s Song.”
Chapter 25
The next morning we arrived in the picturesque port of Dubrovnik, Croatia. When I stepped out onto the balcony I was met with a sweet little fishing village speckled with docks and boats. My mind could barely grasp the beauty of the breathtaking view, terracotta rooftops climbing the rugged hillside like step stones. I readied myself in record time and was at the tender waiting with Maddie when Ethan joined us, his chestnut hair perfectly in place and his deep green eyes full of sparkle. When our gazes met, my insides did a quick flip. As much as I needed my time alone the day before, I’d missed him at dinner and wondered if he was rethinking the whole ‘dating’ scenario, having had enough of the Hartman women.
“It seems you’ve fully recovered from your food poisoning,” Maddie said, eyeing Ethan with amusement.
“I’m much better today, thanks,” Ethan replied sheepishly. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing the Old Town area of Dubrovnik. I did a report not long ago on the war for independence back in the nineties. The city was devastated when over two thousand bombs were dropped by the Serbs in their effort to maintain control of the coast. I’ve heard the Croatian people have done a fantastic restoration job.”
Impressed with Ethan’s knowledge and our shared passion for architecture, I couldn’t wait to visit Old Town myself. A short boat ride to shore and a quick bus trip along a coastal roadway brought us to Pile gate, the main entrance to the city. A stone wall, eight feet high and twenty feet thick surrounded Dubrovnik and an impressive set of turrets stood on each corner. I imagined medieval guards manning the walls, armed with bows and arrows to protect the villagers from land invaders. Several smaller towers lined the sea side, defending the shore from seafaring marauders, and the massive wall of mountains behind us guarded the inland approach from foreign invasion and harsh weather.
As we entered through the gates, it was as if we’d stepped into a magical realm where old and new collided to create the perfect balance of antiquity and technology. Amid the ancient walls, gothic style buildings, and stone monuments, an internet café was nestled nearby, overlooking the central Onofrios Fountain that had supplied water to the village since the fifteenth century. The sixteen-sided fountain had carved heads that spouted arcing cascades of water from their mouths as if spitting at the tourists passing by. People lined up to fill their containers with fresh spring water. Modernly dressed, many of the locals blended with the tourists from all over the world, the wide promenade a mecca for artists, craftsman, and writers.
Following our tour guide, Dinka, a young Croatian woman with a square jaw and expressive eyes that matched her golden hair, we toured St. Blaise Church. Located opposite the Town Hall, the 1700’s replica of the original church was a stunning example of the baroque architecture I’d seen in the books I’d found in the ship’s library. The light shining through the upper windows showcased its dramatic intensity and ornate moldings.
Dinka shared her rich history and that of the church’s namesake, who according to legend, had saved Dubrovnik from Venetian attack in the tenth century. Stories of King Richard the Lion Heart having sought refuge during a deadly storm when he returned from the crusades in 1192, sent chills through me, despite the heat of midmorning sun crashing down on us. It was as if we walked with ghosts through the city, exploring Sponza Palace, Dubrovnik’s oldest building, which dated back to 1520. I couldn’t help admiring the beautifully crafted newer buildings, efforts to keep true to the original styles, obvious.
My head spun with the details of wars, historical facts and the million and one sights I wanted to commit to memory. The whole time, Ethan stayed beside me, whispering interesting side notes into my ear and keeping me focused on the best part of the experience—seeing it all with him. I took dozens of pictures, enthralled with the bright colors, festive mood, and the amazing culture that hit me at every turn. Ethan had hooked me on taking pictures of doors—each one unique and inviting me to imagine what secrets lay beyond. We strolled through the open-air market, a sea of red and white umbrellas offering protection from the sun. Maddie purchased several items, including a Dalmatian lace table runner and a jar of candied figs, which she loudly and embarrassingly pointed out might help with her “irreg
ularity.”
An hour later we were leaving the city and headed for the gondola that would take us to the mountaintop lookout above. Ethan continued sharing additional details about the history and economic evolution of the country. I was happy to hear the people had rebuilt and recovered after surviving war with the Serbs and earning their independence. Thanks to an active tourist trade and a healthy democratic leadership, the city—and the country in general—were prospering, a rare occurrence in the current European climate, I was informed by Maddie.
After a slow ascent to the top of the mountain, we stepped out of the gondola onto a massive cement platform and walked through a building, coming out onto a hillside with a gigantic cross standing guard over the walled village below. As Maddie slipped away to visit the sacred monument, Ethan and I went to the lookout point.
Small villas peeked through trees on the sharp mountain descent and the walls of Old Town below appeared as a miniature walkway around the outskirts of the fortified stronghold. The limestone streets and buildings gave the whole city a pale, uniform appearance, which stood out in contrast to the cobalt blue of the sea stretching away from the coastline.
Ethan took my hand and settled me onto a bench. “Beautiful.”
“You can say that again.” I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and letting the fresh mountain air fill my lungs fuller than they’d felt in a long time. Warmth from the sun beat down on my shoulders, and I sensed Ethan’s eyes on me.
“The view is nice too,” he said with a shy grin as I turned to face him.
Heat blossomed across my skin. Since we were momentarily alone, I took the opportunity to bring up yesterday’s conversation with Maddie. “Did you mean what you said when you told Maddie you wanted to...date me when we get back home?”