How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

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How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja Page 23

by Jay Key


  Ja’a picked up her pace and moved to the front of the group, lock step with Ma’n and Te’o, before anyone could blink. She motioned the pair away and proceeded to take on the scout position independently.

  “You believe me, right?”

  “Most definitely,” said Lo’n. “There are many things in Neprius that I don’t understand—that we don’t understand—especially when it comes to that Orb. And that swamp. I’m just glad he gave you that fragrance. Dumb luck or not, we owe you yet again.”

  Po’l grew red in the face. Duke shot a smile in his direction.

  “I’m sure it won’t be the last time either. We’re making good time now that it’s open land ahead of us, but we still have a few more days trek to get to Sansagon.”

  Now Po’l’s face was the shade of the astral anomaly that brought the bounty hunters to Neprius in the first place.

  The group journeyed for the better part of the day. The landscape of the northern land mass resembled that of the south, with its long sweeping grasslands and low sloping hills. Equally as boring, thought Duke. The only difference was that the terrain was dotted with unique rock formations, the likes of which Duke had never seen. Massive boulders jutted out of the ground at odd angles—some as gargantuan as the Deus Ex Machina, others not much bigger than Duke himself. Their jagged edges made it appear like lodged spear tips from a race of ancient titans that would have made the Keeper seem pocket-sized. Regardless, they were everywhere. Some standing alone, others in clusters.

  Ja’a must have trekked a great deal farther than Ma’n and Te’o’s previous scout position: when she approached the group she was sweating and trying to catch her breath. She inhaled deeply.

  “Up ahead—” She hunched over, hands on her knees. “—priests. They’re tailing someone.”

  “Who?”

  “Not sure. They weren’t on lookout, they were definitely following someone.”

  “Any guesses?”

  “My guess would be a runaway.”

  “As in someone that escaped the mines?” asked Duke.

  “Yep.”

  “How many did you see?”

  “Just two. I’m assuming they’re tracking a lone runaway.”

  “I don’t think there are any mines around here, so they must’ve made it pretty far,” said Lo’n. “And to send two armed guards... Seems like overkill for a single runaway.”

  “Maybe it’s someone of importance,” Po’l said. “Or at least someone that would join our cause. Surely, if they made it this far, they are a force to be reckoned with.”

  “Let’s go,” said Duke. The rest of the group turned to him, appearing shocked. Even Ishiro’shea did a double take.

  “So, you didn’t want to help out the villagers at Shud’nut—but this is fine? Blindly going off course to track down a mysterious escapee?” asked Po’l.

  “Or maybe they are just tracking down lunch?” added Bu’r.

  “Sure, I mean, you said it yourself—they could be important,” Duke replied. “If they can help us, let’s do it.”

  “Because you want your ship back?”

  “Whatever the reason, I’m saying I’m in.”

  Duke looked at Ja’a. She didn’t acknowledge him, her eyes fixed on the ground.

  “I don’t like this,” said Po’l.

  “Oh, the ever-trusting soul,” Duke said with a groan. “I always took you for a ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ type of guy. Maybe I misread you. I mean, if they need two guards to take down this runaway, they might be too dangerous for you anyways. I did see you struggle with those cannibals back there.”

  “Enough!” Ja’a barked, cutting Po’l off before he could lash out. “Thoughts, anyone? Productive thoughts.”

  Duke smiled at Po’l.

  “How off course?” inquired Lo’n.

  “Probably an hour or so. Without knowing how far behind they were from their prey, it’s hard to tell,” replied Ja’a.

  “Doesn’t seem too bad,” Duke said. “I’m still for it.”

  “Me too,” Bu’r chimed in.

  “What do you think, Lo’n?” asked Po’l.

  “I think we should press on. The risk isn’t worth the addition of one member of the group. And what if it’s a child or someone injured? Are we prepared to leave them and push on?”

  “Wouldn’t a child or an injured person only need a single tracker?”

  Lo’n continued, “I say that we maintain our course and focus our efforts and energies on Orbius.”

  “Lo’n, my good buddy, I’m going to have to disagree with you. I say we take the chance—it’s only a few hours, after all. If they can’t help us, then we free them and let them travel with us until we can safely drop them off. Or if they want, they can continue on their merry way—they’re obviously heading somewhere. It’s worth the risk, to me.”

  “We are wasting precious time arguing!” screamed Po’l.

  “He’s right,” said Ja’a, prompting a smirk from Po’l. “Let’s vote. There are eight of us, so I’ll abstain to allow a majority.”

  The group circled around their leader. Softly, she said, “Those that want to track these priests and see who—or what—they are pursuing, raise your hands.”

  Duke shot his hand up first. Bu’r followed. Ishiro’shea was next. Ma’n and Te’o stared at the ground.

  “I’m sorry, friend, but it looks like you lose this round,” said Lo’n.

  “Actually—” started Po’l.

  Po’l stood with his hand raised. Duke felt as if his intestines had just exploded. It was obvious that Po’l seemed to enjoy shocking the bounty hunter—even if it meant siding with him.

  “Very well,” the elder Neprian sighed. “I don’t agree with this. But if we can make it quick, there’s no harm, I guess.”

  “Okay, this way,” ordered Ja’a.

  “If we double-time it, maybe we can get there before they catch him,” added Duke.

  “Or her,” said Ja’a.

  “Or it,” countered Duke. “But let’s hope it’s not an it. I hate its.”

  “Exactly what I feared,” said Lo’n. He remained hunched behind one of the jagged rocks protruding from the Neprian landscape. “A waste of our time. If we pick it up, we can make up a ton of the ground that we lost before night hits.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Duke shouted, only to be met with an aggressive “shhh” from the group. “You know who that is, right?”

  “Yes,” Lo’n replied, less than enthusiastically. The others seemed to come to the same conclusion.

  “That’s Vernglet Wip. He knows stuff. Important stuff. And, if he doesn’t tell us this important stuff, I want to make sure his skull is properly smashed in for setting us up and getting us into this mess.”

  “We came here to free someone being enslaved for no reason and who could potentially help us in our quest,” Ja’a said. “I’m sure this Wip character deserves everything that he gets—and those two guards seem like they can do an adequate job. Now let’s go.”

  Duke looked at Ja’a. Her glance in return offered no insight into what she was thinking. The others tried not to make eye contact.

  “Guys, he knows stuff. We can get information out of him and, if he doesn’t, then Ishiro can slice him into neat little pieces. Win-win.”

  “He knows stuff? What stuff?” Lo’n chirped back, in a tone of frustration.

  “He knows where his ship is,” Po’l added. “He only cares about that, remember?”

  “You’re right. He probably does know where the Deus is. And the Orb. And weaknesses at Orbius’ place. And the easiest route in and out. He made it this far before getting caught. Well, I guess he isn’t caught yet.”

  Duke peeked out from behind a particularly odd-shaped rock formation. The rebels remained hidden from the scene that was unfolding below; safely behind a cluster of the unusual rocks at the ridge of a slight incline nearly a hundred paces away from the trackers. Duke assumed that they were out of earshot�
��as long as they spoke with their “inside voices.”

  “Okay, he’s caught now,” Duke corrected himself with a huff.

  The two Neprian priests had Wip backed up against a boulder. Their spears were mere inches from his face.

  “C’mon guys! We came this far, let’s at least see if we can get something from him. What do we have to lose?”

  “Lives,” Ja’a replied calmly.

  “Fine, I’ll go alone. If I die, no big whup. You guys can run away and keep pursuing Orbius. I’ll even leave Ishiro’shea for you as a parting gift.”

  Ishiro’shea shook his head.

  “I knew this was a bad idea,” Lo’n began, “even if rules are rules and the majority won. Bad outcomes—even when following the rules—are still bad. I simply cannot stand for us risking anything to help a runaway priest. Nothing he can do is worth this. It’s a total waste. I say we leave now. No, I demand it.”

  “But then we can’t pick his brain—no matter how warped it is. That would be a total waste. There’s no point to any of this if we don’t at least try to see if we can get something useful from him,” professed Duke.

  “The point is that this is pointless,” Lo’n hissed.

  “Calm down for a second. Let’s think about this,” Ja’a said.

  “No,” Lo’n roared. “This is ridiculous.”

  “Hey,” Duke started, “no need to—”

  “I demand that we leave,” Lo’n repeated.

  “Friend, let’s take a deep breath—” Duke replied.

  “Ja’a, tell them to go,” Lo’n continued, without acknowledging the bounty hunter.

  “Duke brings up a good point. He might know something,” said Ja’a.

  “Unbelievable. ‘Something.’ ‘Stuff.’ That’s all you got.” Lo’n stood up and headed back towards their original path. Based on their expressions, this is a Lo’n that no one has ever seen before, surmised Duke. Especially Ja’a.

  “Lo’n!” screamed Ja’a.

  The subtle, indistinguishable murmurs of the priests’ voices suddenly stopped. Ja’a immediately realized what she had done.

  That was not an inside voice.

  “Who goes there?” shouted one of the trackers.

  “Help!” screamed Vernglet Wip. “Help me!”

  “Shut up, Wip. Who’s behind those rocks?”

  “Me,” shouted Duke gruffly. But it was Ishiro’shea that slowly stepped from behind the rock and into plain sight. The ninja moved his mouth under his mask, giving the impression that the words were his own.

  “Stay there! Hands up. You are now the property of Orbius, Orbmaster of the Orb.”

  “Okay, I give up. Please don’t hurt me. I’ll lie on the ground and be a good little boy,” Duke bellowed from his unseen location. Ishiro’shea gave him a venomous stare and then proceeded to lie down on the ground—behind the first row of boulders.

  One of the trackers made his way to Ishiro’shea, face down in the dirt.

  “Who is he?” shouted the guard that remained with their prisoner. “A rebel?”

  When the guard was a few paces from him, Ishiro’shea sprang up and darted back behind the rocks.

  “Stop or—"

  The guard never saw the club coming. Bu’r’s swing had the force of ten Neprians and dropped the priest with ease.

  “Hey, what’s going on? Did you let him escape? I know I should’ve gone,” shouted the other tracker. “Stay there, Vern.”

  “Idiots. Lather. Rinse. Repeat,” whispered Duke. “Okay, get ready. He’ll be here in five… four… three... two…”

  BLAMPH! The second tracker was out.

  “Good job, Bu’r,” congratulated Duke.

  Ja’a chased towards Lo’n.

  “Ja’a, let him blow off some steam. We have a chance to get some… answers, maybe,” Po’l said optimistically.

  She didn’t hear him. Moments later, they were interrupted by a familiar voice.

  “Thank you! Thank you! You saved me!” came Vern’s high-pitched voice from his place of would-be capture. “I can’t thank you enough. What can I do to repay you? Whomever you are?”

  “Not sure you want me to answer that,” Duke said as he stepped out from his hiding spot and positioned himself in Vernglet’s line of sight.

  The Neprian priest’s face sunk within itself before it sank into his hands. Duke interpreted the next sounds as some sort of Neprian curse words.

  Chapter 31

  A Thud in the Night

  “YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY,” squeaked Vernglet Wip. He squirmed, trying to find a comfortable position amidst his roped bonds. “Right into Orbius’ central army.”

  “Shut up, priest,” barked Po’l. “You’re lucky we kept you alive.”

  “A massive mistake in my estimation,” said Lo’n gruffly. It was clear that he was still angry about the decision, but he was now calming visibly.

  “He might come in handy, still,” pleaded Duke. “We just don’t know yet.”

  “You said he would have information—and did he?” asked Lo’n.

  “Not as such,” started Duke, “but—”

  “No, he’s now a liability. I went along with saving him, but he’s of no value. And he’s evil. Orbius’ stooge,” said Po’l. It was clear the tide of his opinions was shifting in Lo’n’s direction.

  “I don’t think he would have sent two trackers to bring him back if he was totally loyal to Orbius,” added Bu’r.

  “Yes,” chimed in the prisoner. “Like I told you, I was being sent back to Sansagon to my death for being a traitor.”

  “Convenient story. Maybe Orbius knew we would take you in—and you are supposed to sabotage our mission,” said Lo’n.

  “That does make some sense,” murmured Po’l.

  “You love your conspiracy theories,” jabbed Duke.

  “I don’t believe his story about going against Orbius’ wishes for the greater good of the planet,” Po’l said defiantly. “I don’t think he has the spine for it.”

  “You all know what Orbius has done to your people. But look what he’s done to mine. We are no less slaves than you. Maybe we lack actual chains—but we also lack free will. Is it that hard to believe that one of my kind has come to realize this?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yep.”

  “Totally.”

  “You set yourself up for that, Vern,” said the bounty hunter, “but I see where you’re coming from. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still royally pissed—but I get it.”

  “It’s true. Gar knew it. He saw it in me. He ordered my imprisonment. He claimed that I gave you an out—that day in the field where your ship was—set you up to kill our troops and flee. I didn’t know that he brought an entire legion with him.”

  “Utter nonsense. Surely you can’t believe this drivel,” groaned Lo’n. “Ja’a, let’s cut our losses and leave his carcass to rot in the sun.”

  He held up his saber mere inches in front of Vernglet’s face.

  “Lo’n, no. I don’t know if I believe him but he doesn’t have any weapons and doesn’t pose a threat. I think we should continue on, and an answer will present itself.”

  “He’s slowing us down.”

  “I don’t think that’s the case.”

  “As long as we don’t listen to him, I’m fine. He would love for us to follow his directions and bring us right to Orbius’ warm embrace.”

  “That’s where you’re heading now,” Vernglet pointed out.

  “For now,” Ja’a began, “we will listen to you, Lo’n. You know these lands and how you made it to Orbius last time.”

  “That’s a mistake—”

  “It might be wise to keep your mouth shut,” said Lo’n, raising his sword again.

  “Hey now, chill. He can hang back here with Ish and I. We’ll watch him. I still have some questions for him.”

  “Fine.”

  Lo’n stormed to the front of the group. Ja’a looked back at Duke and locked eyes. He couldn’t fi
gure out if she was confused or angry—or simply disappointed in how her “uncle” was behaving.

  Vernglet seems to bring out the worst in people.

  Duke whispered to the priest, “You gotta help me out here, Vern.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “They really want to kill you.”

  “But isn’t the enemy of your enemy your friend?”

  “Not if that person is a slimy Neprian priest with a long history of enslaving their people.”

  “Fair point.”

  “Is everything that you said true?”

  “Yes.”

  “We are walking directly into the jaws of Orbius’ army?”

  “Directly. I’ve been running from his clutches for some time now. I know.”

  “I don’t know why I’m trusting you, after you sold us up the river back in Dre’en. I mean, not cool, dude.”

  “I had no choice.”

  “I’m willing to entertain that notion. Thoughts, Ish?”

  The ninja looked Vern up and down, from toe to head. He glanced back at Duke and shrugged.

  “Helpful.”

  The fabric on Ishiro’s mask tilted upward. He was smiling.

  “How long do we have until we meet them head on?”

  “A day. Maybe a bit more.”

  “Not much time. It’s getting dark, so maybe we can sleep on it and come up with a plan to at least consider the fact that you might not be part of some complex orchestration by Vangu. Oh man, can you imagine Po’l if there is a conspiracy? He would be unbearable. And we would likely be dead.”

  “I will continue to think of ideas, Duke.”

  “So, are you sure you don’t anything else about the Deus?”

  “Just what I told you. Orbius was very interested in it. I’m guessing he is going to use it as a weapon—another means of controlling us.”

  “Maybe. Not sure he could fly it—it’s a bit finicky. And I definitely know he couldn’t teach your lot to drive it.” Duke paused momentarily. “No offense.”

  “None taken.”

  “And it’s just at his fortress?”

  “I wasn’t with the group that delivered it to him.”

 

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