How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

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How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja Page 29

by Jay Key


  “I’m going to fry you after I deal with your friends here, Wip,” said Orbius, though his eyes remained squarely focused on the four rebels.

  The soldiers released Vernglet, unnoticed by Orbius. They also released their footing from the platform that they had scaled to capture him. They crashed to the floor.

  Standing beside a confused Vernglet Wip was a bruised and battered Po’l. The metal pipe—clearly a piece of the Deus’ exterior that had dislodged itself when it ceased operations—was covered in Northern blood. Orbius did notice this.

  “Seriously, how many lives does this guy have?” asked Duke to his cohorts.

  “How cute. You aren’t dead. Whoop-de-doo. I just get to kill you again. Yay for me.” Orbius sounded a bit annoyed, like a child receiving an extra chore just as they are almost finished with their original list. He pivoted towards the ship and raised his hands. The Orb began to spin even faster. Po’l won’t be able to survive this, Duke concluded. No one would survive this.

  The wall to the left of the throne exploded. Stone fragments consumed the entire room.

  Despite the echoing boom, Orbius’ voice could be heard above the noise. “What now? Seriously, what now?”

  In the frame of the newly-created door was the outline of something big. Huge, in fact.

  “You have my sphere.”

  Out stepped Toby, hulking and ticked off. Orbius had not expected to see a mountainous creature asking for his Orb once the dust settled, that much was clear, but to his credit he didn’t panic. He appeared calm, if not a bit frustrated by the continued interruptions. Duke was impressed again with his villaining. Not bad for a glorified gardener, he thought.

  “I think you are mistaken, my ogre friend,” replied Orbius, wiping the dust from his face and hood. “This is my Orb!”

  He motioned towards the Keeper. The Orb emitted a beautiful beam of light in the direction of Toby, who raised his forearms to shield the impact. The ray deflected off of his gauntlet and was redirected to the ceiling, greeting the surface with a crash. Parts of the ceiling fell to the floor.

  “Impressive. I see your gauntlets are made of mustangsen.”

  “I guess,” bellowed Toby, obviously not understanding the significance of the construction material. “Now, give me back the Sphere.”

  “I don’t think—”

  Orbius wasn’t able to finish his sentence. He dove back to avoid the swing of Toby’s gargantuan club, which sent three guards into the air and deposited them on the other side of the room. Toby swung again, cracking the throne in half. The soldiers surrounded him and heaved their javelins. He didn’t seem to like that very much and demonstrated his irritation by crushing them with blunt force aggression.

  During the chaos, Uu’k broke free of Gar’s hold and sprinted towards the rebels. Gar followed suit with his sword drawn. Ishiro’shea made a course to intercept the grizzled Neprian general.

  “Bu’r, get Uu’k to safety,” screamed Ja’a.

  Bu’r obliged, snatching her up and heading towards the Deus. Po’l and Vernglet were already down from the platform and hiding in its shadows, searching for usable weapons.

  Tsarano Gar swung at Ishiro’shea with his sword but the ninja eluded it with a swift forward roll. The general turned and swung again—another miss. Ishiro’shea countered with a powerful kick to the chest. Gar was stunned but didn’t lose his footing. He stabbed at Ishiro, but again came up empty. His frustration took the form of a vitriolic growl. Ishiro’shea took the offensive and leapt at Gar, but Gar blocked the strike and countered with a clubbing fist to the ninja’s jaw. Ishiro’shea tumbled a few steps behind Gar. He still clutched his katana.

  “Behind you!” shouted Duke. “Behind you!”

  A Neprian soldier approached the ninja from behind with his javelin aimed to kill. Gar charged from the front. Ishiro’shea turned and ran towards the guard. Then, mere moments before the Neprian performed his death blow, Ishiro’shea dove to the ground feet first in a slide. He tripped the guard, who crashed face first, dropping the javelin. The rampaging Gar halted to avoid colliding with the fallen guard, who was now rolling with increased velocity. Gar returned his attention to Ishiro’shea. He swung—but the ninja, having grabbed the free javelin, blocked the swipe with the midsection of the shaft. It snapped in two under the power of Gar’s swing. Ishiro’shea fell on his backside.

  “So much for that, off-worlder!” roared Gar. He raised his sword and sent it crashing down upon Ishiro’shea with all of his power. Ishiro’shea moved.

  The sword was stuck. Gar tried to remove it, his muscles flexing and tensing as he struggled to dislodge it from the floor.

  Ishiro’shea was quick. He leapt from the floor and appeared almost to hang in the air. In one motion, the point of the shattered javelin struck Tsarano Gar across the bridge of the nose. He shrieked in pain.

  Sprinkles didn’t even have it that bad, thought Duke.

  Gar released his sword and stumbled backwards. Another javelin tip ripped through the general’s backside and exploded through his chest. Then it was pulled back through his chest cavity. He collapsed to the floor, lifeless.

  Vernglet stood above the body, holding a bloody javelin taken from one of the would-be captors that had yanked him out of the Deus.

  “I never liked that guy,” he proclaimed.

  “Quick,” Ja’a shouted to Duke. “Betsy! While the guards are distracted!”

  Distracted, was of course, an understatement. Pummeled would be a more appropriate term, considering the power of Toby’s club.

  The bounty hunter hustled and dove at Betsy. He quickly checked to see if she had survived all of the falling debris. Looks good enough.

  “Not so fast, Duke LaGrange,” proclaimed Orbius. The Orb was floating above him—though not as high as it had been previously—and once again it was spinning and glowing. “Your fun is finally at an end. I’ll deal with that brute in a second. You, I kill now.”

  “Don’t I even get an overblown sinister dialogue before I go? That would be fitting, considering I’m Duke LaGrange, after all.” He paused. “You know, adventurer, trailblazer—”

  The blast was quick and exact. It burst from below Orbius’ neck and into the wall behind Duke.

  Ja’a sat with the laser revolver in her hand.

  “At least someone on this planet can shoot!” said Duke.

  He could hear Po’l groan from across the room.

  As Orbius’ flaccid body fell, the Orb crashed to the floor. It stopped momentarily and then slowly rolled towards the bounty hunter as if it had a mind of its own and high-end rear-wheel steering. No fizzling. No sizzling. No lights or clouds. Only what appeared to be an ordinary round glass ball with the power of sophisticated and seemingly spontaneous locomotion. Duke picked it up and examined it.

  All fighting had ceased. The Keeper stopped his bashing of skulls and looked at Duke inquisitively. Ja’a kept her gun drawn. The remaining soldiers stared at the bounty hunter, still gripping their weapons. Bu’r positioned Uu’k behind him. Po’l moved to provide additional cover. Only Ishiro’shea seemed to react what Duke would refer to as “normally.”

  Duke stood up and held the Orb above his head.

  “Behold, puny peasants! I am now one with the Orb! I am Orbius... Junior!”

  Nothing.

  Then a laugh permeated through Ishiro’shea’s mask. Uu’k joined in. The rebels all gave a deep collective sigh. Toby and the Neprian priest soldiers seemed confused.

  “Here you go!” Duke nonchalantly tossed the Orb to the Keeper. Toby caught it and placed it in a satchel that hung from his hip.

  “Thank you,” he said. “And, I’ve decided that I’m almost certain that you and your friends aren’t swamp people.”

  “Thank you,” replied Duke. “I guess.”

  He turned his attention to the priests. “Oh yeah, you lot. Drop your weapons.”

  The guards all dropped their weapons. They didn’t seem too unhappy. One even smil
ed.

  “What’d I miss?”

  Fazeek entered through the Toby-created opening on the back of his favorite grundar.

  “Oh hey, Toby. Long time,” Fazeek said, not successfully hiding his true feelings regarding the Keeper. He glanced at Toby’s satchel, his eyes squinted. His gaze shifted to Duke, then to Ja’a, and finally back to the Keeper. “You think you can keep it this time?”

  Toby didn’t sneer back as Duke had anticipated. “I think so. But I could use some help, old friend.”

  Fazeek’s expression changed to one of genuine surprise. It then morphed into a wry smile.

  “Sure. Not many old-timers like us around.”

  Duke walked over to Ja’a and extended his hand. She shook it gently.

  “Your dad would be proud.”

  Ja’a hugged him tightly.

  Chapter 38

  Forty-Eight Minutes

  “I WAS COMING TO THE realization that this day would live only in my dreams,” bellowed Mo’a. “However, here we are. Orbius is gone. And it’s the daughter of He’j, my best friend, that accomplished this.” He drew in a deep breath as his eyes moistened. “I am very proud of you, Ja’a. And your father would be as well.”

  “I already told her that,” Duke whispered to Ishiro’shea.

  “Great Mo’a,” Ja’a began as she rose from her seat at the circular table. “My hope is to focus on the future of our planet. Yes, Orbius is gone. The mines are empty. But years of battle and death leave us with two strained peoples and much work to do.”

  She looked at Vernglet Wip; he nodded in her direction.

  “Yes, Ja’a. We are aware,” said Mo’a. “Once we heard the news, we started to discuss the next steps to rebuild a Neprius that represents peace and coexistence. The first question is what to do with the Orb.”

  “Hey there, big Mo’a,” Duke interrupted. “That’s been taken care of.”

  “What do you mean, Duke?”

  “No offense to you and the council, but we went ahead and made those preparations back in Sansagon.”

  Mo’a looked irked. Duke could tell that decisions of this magnitude weren’t typically made unilaterally.

  “Ja’a, is this true?”

  “Yes,” she responded without hesitation. “There was only one logical decision. Even transporting the Orb back here to our base would have been too risky.”

  “I see,” Mo’a said unconvinced. “What has happened to the Orb, to Peace?”

  “It’s back in the hands of the ancient Keeper.”

  “The beast that you spoke of? The one that lives in the old temple in the swamp?”

  “Yeah, his name is Toby,” added Duke.

  “Didn’t he lose it? Twice?”

  “He did, Mo’a,” said Ja’a. “But he has help this time around.”

  “Help?”

  “Yes, the Shepherd of the Grundar has promised to monitor the skies above the Keeper’s lair.”

  “Interesting. I’m not sure what I think about this arrangement.”

  “They’ve put aside their differences to forge a powerful symbiotic union.”

  “We hope to do the same,” said Vernglet Wip. Duke noticed that it lacked its usual nasal whine.

  “I see.”

  Mo’a contemplated the news. He placed both hands upon the table and leaned forward. He slowly peered up and made eye contact with all of the attendees. Bu’r. Ishiro’shea. Po’l. Ja’a. Duke.

  “A wise move.”

  A collective gasp of relief came from around the table.

  “A wise move befitting of an empress.”

  Ja’a’s smile dissipated and shock consumed her elegant profile.

  “Mo’a?” she queried.

  “Yes, Ja’a. You may have made the decision of how to protect the Orb from harming us without our input—but this, we are adamant about, and will not accept counterarguments.”

  The room was silent. Duke stood. Ishiro’shea followed suit. They raised their glasses of Neprian wine.

  “To Empress Ja’a!”

  Everyone in the room cheered. Vernglet Wip walked over and hugged the newly-appointed monarch.

  “Not a lot of paperwork required to be an empress here,” Duke muttered to Ishiro’shea.

  The ninja nodded.

  “Once I heard the news of Orbius’ downfall,” shouted Mo’a above the congratulatory cheers, “I went ahead and planned a bit of a celebration. I hope that’s okay, Ja’a. It won’t have the scale of our past ceremonies naming dignitaries and rulers, as we were short on time to plan. And, to be honest, we’ve never had an empress before.”

  “That explains the lack of paperwork,” added Duke to Ishiro’shea.

  “So, I’m afraid it will just be a big party.”

  “Cheers to that!” Duke added.

  “I’m honored, Mo’a. That is, if I accept this position.”

  “If?” questioned Mo’a. “Ja’a, the people of Neprius demand it.”

  Ja’a continued, “As part of this celebration, I do have one order of business that must be addressed.”

  “Go on.”

  “I will only take this responsibility if Vernglet Wip—the honorable Vernglet Wip—is named the Ambassador of the North.”

  “Vern, you hear that?” Duke said, slapping the gaunt Neprian on the back. “They called you honorable. Who would have thought that?”

  “Are you sure, Ja’a?”

  “That’s Empress Ja’a,” Duke reminded Mo’a.

  “We’re going to work on that title also,” added Ja’a. “Empresses are only in fairy tales.”

  “Title aside, are you sure that you trust this priest to help in the rebuilding?” asked Mo’a.

  “Mo’a, had Vernglet not risked his life and shot the Orb down from Duke’s ship, we would have been destroyed.”

  “Yeah, you pulled a fast one on us, Vern!” Duke said to the priest. “We thought you sold us up the river.”

  “I knew I was no help in combat, so I fled—if I had said something, you wouldn’t have believed it anyway. My only hope was to sneak into the throne room. Luckily, the ship knew what I needed to do.”

  “Well played, ol’ Vern.”

  “And Mo’a, it will take both races to rebuild our planet. No one understands that more than Vernglet Wip.”

  Mo’a thought hard about Ja’a’s request. His temples contracted and his brow wrinkled.

  “You are right, daughter of He’j. It is a great idea.”

  “I would be honored,” Vernglet Wip said, bowing to the elder Neprian rebel. He then turned to Ja’a and repeated the gesture. “Empress Ja’a—or whatever designation that you choose for yourself—may we begin healing the unnecessary wounds of conflict.”

  “How about president?” said Duke. “President Ja’a—has a nice ring to it.”

  Ishiro’shea kicked him.

  “Oh yeah, bad track record with those.”

  The Neprians were stone-faced.

  Duke attempted to get the conversation back on track. “Now, about this party…”

  The coastal compound came alive as the moon shimmered across the crashing sea. Brilliant colors and exotic smells permeated through the base. Southern Neprians danced and hugged and drank. Many came up to Vernglet and embraced him with the same emotion that they did Bu’r or Po’l. Vernglet seemed genuinely happy. He told them all that the real hard work lay ahead but that they would undo the evil of Orbius’ reign. He eventually found a handful of partygoers intoxicated enough to want to engage in this deeper sort of dialogue. Most just hugged him.

  A thick meathook of a hand landed on Duke’s shoulder. The bounty hunter turned around to see Bu’r.

  “How’s the wine tonight?” asked the broad-chested rebel.

  “Not bad, not bad at all.”

  “Thank you, Duke LaGrange of Nova Texas. We couldn’t have done this without you and Ishiro’shea. I believe the Orb did summon the right people.”

  Duke blushed and quickly gave Bu’r a big “Nah.
” He proceeded to change the subject. “What’s next for you, my friend?”

  “I’m going to return to Shud’nut. It’s my home and they need my help. It won’t be easy. I’m sure they are embarrassed about how they acted.”

  Duke couldn’t help but think of how the citizens of Shud’nut would react after seeing what Ishiro’shea had to do to get Uu’k back. Bu’r’s job will definitely not be easy.

  “That’s very noble of you. I’m sure that if you decide to stay here, the brass will shower you with honorary titles and all of that stuff.”

  “Maybe. But with Ja’a in charge, I think they have it under control.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  “I just wanted to thank you. I probably won’t see you again, off-worlder.” Duke noticed Bu’r’s sly grin as he used the term. “And I wish you the best in your return home to the stars.”

  The bounty hunter raised his glass of wine, then clinked it against Bu’r’s.

  “To Ty’n. His sacrifice was a worthy one.”

  “And to you,” Bu’r said, fighting back a tear. “Thank you for helping us make it a worthy one.”

  Ja’a ascended to a platform constructed in the middle of the open plaza. Vernglet and Mo’a flanked her. Fire-tipped pikes surrounded the stage. The Neprians began to coalesce around the platform, raising glasses and cheering. Mo’a stepped to the forefront and calmed them down.

  “Everyone, I present you, Ja’a, the first empress—” He looked at a scowling Ja’a, “—or similar designation as yet to be ironed out—of Neprius.”

  The cheers turned into roars, then halted as Ja’a began to speak.

  “My father loved our planet. He died trying to do what we did—end the reign of an evil ruler. A ruler that sent us to the mines to be whipped and beaten as slaves, killing us if we resisted. But let’s not forget, he enslaved our neighbors to the North as well. He corrupted their minds with fear and forced them to harm us—or die. I beg you all to not hold grudges against our fellow beings. It will be hard, I know that. Death and suffering are not easily forgotten. But we must try. We will not have a single, harmonious Neprius unless we can all forgive and move on.”

 

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