Reserved

by Tracy Ewens

  It had always seemed strange when people expressed sorrow for something she didn’t even remember. As she grew older, she realized it was the void, the absence of a mother that struck so many as tragic. When she became a mother herself, she understood what she had been missing, and yet she didn’t ever remember feeling unloved or neglected. If the emptiness had been filled by her father or her brothers or even Libby at the diner, why did it matter that one person decided not to show up for her? There were people who never showed up or those who did and made life worse than it would have been without them. Makenna knew it was human nature for people to sigh and put her in the poor abandoned girl category, but quite frankly, she never understood it. She was loved deeply by the people in her life and she had a beautiful, healthy little girl with a man she loved who had been taken away. If Kenna wanted to dwell on the unfair, she’d probably look to losing Adam before her no-show mother. That had been more tragic and had taken her longer to accept. Part of her knew she was changed when she lost Adam. She would always be missing a piece. It was all right; life wasn’t fair and the moon, even missing its sliver, was still glorious.

  As she walked back into the house, Makenna felt that calm again. Maybe after all this time, her life was slowing down, just a little.

  Chapter Twenty

  Travis picked Makenna up at two o’clock on that Sunday for their first official date. At least, it felt a whole hell of a lot official because he was there at her house and the nerves that hit his stomach when she opened the door reminded him that this part, the show-up-and-stick-around part, was not exactly his strength. It’s just a date, no big deal, he heard from somewhere in the back of his head.

  She surprised him by taking the helmet he offered and climbing on the back of his bike like a pro. No concerned looks or whining about helmet head; she simply slid her arms around him and gave over control. He wondered whether her mind was moving a mile a minute and she was keeping it to herself, but as they pulled into the parking garage, he felt like she was genuinely relaxed. They parked and Kenna looked confused. He was counting on that.

  “Is this the library?”

  Travis nodded.

  “How? Why?” He saw it in her eyes the moment she realized it.

  “When you guys were in on Friday, I asked Paige what one of your favorite places was, and she said—”

  “The library.” Makenna smiled as he helped her off the bike and took the helmet.

  “Yup, but she said you guys went to the Pasadena library, so this is sort of like a date-level library.”

  She laughed and then pulled him into a kiss so hot he lost his breath.

  “Who knew you library chicks could kiss like that?” He took her hand and they walked toward the huge main entrance.

  “Do you have a library card?” she asked, looking over her shoulder at him.

  “I do.” Travis pulled out his wallet, flashed his card, and held the door open for her.

  “You just got that, didn’t you?”

  “Yesterday.”

  She laughed and then fell silent at the sight of the lobby. Looking at him, mouth still open, she slowly turned in a full circle like she was on a field trip. Travis offered up his thanks to Paige because this was probably the best date idea ever. He took Makenna’s hand and tried to remember some of the stuff on the walking tour brochure he’d looked up online.

  “Okay, you are standing in one of the largest publicly funded libraries in the world.”

  Kenna raised her eyebrows, most likely at his mad tour guide skills, so he kept going.

  “The interior is a big draw because of . . . well, look at it.”

  “Do you know what these murals represent?” She walked over to the colorful paintings.

  “I do. They show the . . . history of California. The library opened in 1926 and there are tile mosaics on top of the building. One of them has a torch, which is supposed to mean the light of knowledge.” Travis took in a big breath.

  “Is that the tour?” She stopped and faced him.

  “It is. I’m afraid it’s a free tour, so it’s . . . really short.”

  She went up on her toes and kissed him again, right there in the lobby.

  “Okay, we’d better get started or things are going to get naughty in the library and I don’t think she would approve.” Travis glanced at the older woman in the black cardigan sitting amongst a stack of books and felt like he was in junior high again.

  Kenna grinned, warm and teasing, and he really wanted to get in trouble.

  “See, now stop doing that.” He took her hand, but before they moved to the elevators, she looked at him. Her eyes were soft and no longer full of surprise. It was almost as if she was seeing him for the first time—or maybe for the first time, he was letting her.

  They sat quietly among the stacks in four different reading areas of the library. When they got to each section, they found two seats together and each picked a book from the shelves at random and read. It wasn’t planned; they just did it. It was silly and even though it was a library and they said nothing to one another for well over an hour, it was the very best date Makenna had ever been on. Ever. When they left, Travis used his new library card and checked out The English Spy.

  “You will love it,” she said as they walked to the parking garage.

  “I’m sure I will. I already know most of it from listening to your excitement.”

  She bumped his shoulder and he handed her the helmet.

  “Have you ever been on a bike before?”

  “No.” She fastened the strap under her chin.

  “Huh.” He swung his leg over and steadied the bike for her.

  She wrapped her arms around his chest, which she had recently discovered was the best part of riding on a motorcycle. “Why did you ask if I’d ever been on a bike before?”

  “No reason. People aren’t normally so comfortable.”

  “You mean women.”

  “I didn’t say that.” He started the bike and they were pulling out into traffic before she had a chance to say another word.

  She smiled and pressed her cheek against his back. Her hands traveled over his chest, and Makenna found herself lost in the curve of him, fascinated by the way their bodies fit together. When they turned into a restaurant called The Library Room, she wondered why she hadn’t given a second thought about the bike before she climbed on. She was a mother; she probably should be cautious, but something told her there wasn’t anything to worry about. She didn’t feel in danger, not once, since he had picked her up at the house. That was strange, wasn’t it? She usually felt out of place or, at least, nervous in new or unfamiliar situations, but everything about him felt safe. Something in the back of her mind told her she should pull back, take it slow, but by the time they parked the bike and he looked over his shoulder at her, her mind was still. He didn’t move and just looked over his shoulder at her, one eyebrow raised.

  “What?”

  “You totally felt me up all the way here.”

  She shook her head and swung her leg off the bike. “I did not.”

  He followed and stood facing her. “You did, and I was completely at your mercy because I had to drive. I’m shocked, I mean there I was all vulnerable, innocently giving you a ride from the library and you just, well, you attacked me, that’s what that was.”

  Kenna shoved the helmet at him, fluffed her ponytail, and walked away. She felt herself swing her hips and heard Travis laugh as he ran up behind her.

  The Library Room was a cool little restaurant up the road. It was owned by another friend of Travis’s from culinary school. They sat at a corner booth and ordered whatever the chef wanted to serve them, which proved a great idea because their waiter brought over a plate of meats and cheeses and poured them both some local beer.

  “So, what’s it like when you go to different restaurants?”

  “It’s nice. I enjoy eating other people’s food. It’s a constant learning experience. What’s it like for you?”
>
  “I never think anyone is as good as our place. I’m a little blinded when it comes to my brother and you.” The beer warmed her cheeks and Makenna suddenly felt the nerves she avoided before. This was too easy; they were too easy. “Nothing in life is easy,” she heard her father’s voice. Shhh…

  Travis laughed. “Well, we do have a great place, one of the best, and I enjoy making food, but at the end of the day, it’s food. With all of the cooking shows and celebrity chefs, it’s become this weird drama. We’ve gone from knife-sharpening, farmers market-obsessed nerds to bleached blond rock stars. Which is great if you’re trying to get laid, but in the cold light of morning, we’re just making food. Just like my grandmother did. Hell, with all my experience, I still can replicate my grandfather’s tri-tip, and he had a crappy little barbecue in the backyard and marinated it in a Ziploc bag. I guess what I’m saying is food is just food unless it’s about something, about a connection.”

  “That could be a life analogy.”

  “I guess, sure.”

  “That’s why you make Paige lunch?”

  Warmth slid across Travis’s face. “Absolutely. I know it sounds ridiculous, but making her lunch is really what it’s all about for me—feeding someone’s day and getting that little piece of construction paper.”

  “That doesn’t sound ridiculous. It sounds . . .” Makenna looked down at her beer glass because there it was again, the fear. She knew Travis was fun, but the more she sat with him, the more things changed from fun to—“Real,” she said out loud. “It sounds real.”

  “She has saved me. Making lunch for her has saved me a couple of times now.”

  Makenna laughed and then noticed the emotion that seemed lodged in his throat, so she stopped, reached across the table, and took his hand.

  “Me too, in very different ways, but me too.”

  Travis grinned, and Kenna saw him shake away his feelings, the ones that were so right there on the surface, she could almost touch them.

  “Anyway, my point is, it’s not rocket science. We’re not geniuses. People who cure disease, who can get a heart beating again, or even teachers, that’s work. When it’s all over for us, we are left with a dirty plate.”

  “Yeah, but you still get the piece of construction paper. That’s what you’re working for, isn’t it? The reaction, the applause?”

  “Oh sure. Hey, I’m a Leo. We love praise and I love the reaction, but I don’t want it to confuse people or make things so convoluted that people can’t relate. I want a genuine warm smile or that pursed lip thing people do when they taste. I love that. I never want to overshoot just to satisfy my own ego. It’s sort of like books. Yeah, you know how you read certain books and at the last page, you’re filled with the story and you sort of don’t want to leave the characters?”

  Kenna nodded because no one knew that feeling better than she did.

  “And then there are other books that are a challenge. Maybe you needed to look up words or re-read sections until you got it. Those books are like an endurance test and they’re great, but I want my food to be like the first book. A fresh, human story that leaves people with the memory of a fun journey. Simple and really so hard to do all at the same time. Anything else only serves me and an ego I’ve been running from my whole life. I grew up with all of that. You know when people say they don’t want to turn into their parents? Yeah, that’s why I eat other people’s food most of the time.”

  “Well, I can see why you work well with Logan. You two see things pretty much the same way. Although he says you’re the better chef.”

  Travis laughed. “He’s full of crap. Your brother has passed me; he’s no longer just a chef, he’s a damn movement. I’m his lowly little helper slaving away in his organic, local kitchen.”

  Kenna shook her head. “I’ve tasted your food. He’s right. You’re creative. I like that.”

  “Thank you.”

  It was delivered straight, through sexy eyes, but that was her growing need for him. The sentiment was genuine. He was too.

  “Damn, this is turning intense. My turn. Who’s your favorite brother?”

  Kenna laughed. “I don’t really have favorites, and even if I did, there’s no way I’m giving you that ammunition. They’re two of my bestest people, as Paige likes to say, for different reasons, but the thing they have in common is they are both really solid men. Of course, I love both of their stupid faces, so I’m not exactly objective.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’re right. Did Adam get along with them?”

  Her face must have flinched, because Travis instantly looked like he’d stepped over some invisible line.

  “Sorry, I don’t know why I keep doing this. I guess it’s just different. He’s not like an ex-boyfriend or even an ex-husband. He’s . . .”

  “Dead,” Makenna said softly.

  Travis winced.

  “It’s okay, he is. My husband, Paige’s dad, died. You don’t need to tiptoe around it. It’s there and if we are going to . . . be or, if we want to . . . damn it.” Makenna huffed and averted her eyes.

  He smiled. “If we are going to date?”

  “Seems so strange, doesn’t it?”

  “Not really.”

  “Really? If we lined up all of the women you’ve dated, where exactly would I fit? I mean, if we are going to discuss our histories.”

  “Oh, hell no, we are not discussing my history. There’s no point. You don’t fit in there anyway.”

  “See? Why not? Because I’m some sort of departure for you? Like an experiment maybe.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “That might have been a little harsh, but I’m still trying to get my head around this.” She gestured between the two of them. “Us.”

  “So there is an ‘us’? You want an ‘us’?”

  “Don’t mess with me, okay? I’m already a basket case; I don’t need to be danced around. You go first.”

  He leaned into her. “Gladly. This is the best date I’ve ever been on, ever. You are beautiful and funny and smart. You’re nuts and bossy, but you’re a great sister, an incredible mother, and you have a near perfect ass.”

  Kenna laughed.

  “So yes, I want to date you. Be with you.”

  “Sleep with me?” Kenna almost put her hands to her mouth, she was so shocked at what came out, but then she wanted the answer so she went with it.

  He almost choked. “One more time?”

  “In addition to all the warm and fuzzy stuff, and the fact that I’m your favorite almost-six-year-old’s mom, you’d like to take my clothes off and sleep with me?”

  “Yes.” If that smile was a precursor to sex with Travis, she probably wouldn’t make it out alive.

  “I would like to sleep with you. Well actually, not sleep . . . with you, because when we get there, once that’s on the table, I’ll probably need a whole weekend.”

  Makenna had been around men her entire life; she knew their ways, but this man was—Did he say a whole weekend?

  “Okay, well, let’s talk about something else,” she said.

  “Probably a good idea.” Travis was simmering, or smoldering, or something because it felt like he was actually touching her with his eyes.

  “Right. So I answered your brother question. That was the last one, right? Before you started to look at me like that.”

  “You brought it up. You said you wanted to have sex with me. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to finish up the evening with polite G-rated conversation now.”

  She laughed. “Let’s get back to food then. One thing you can’t imagine cooking without?”

  “Garlic.”

  “Really? I thought you’d be a cool chef and say something like salt and pepper.”

  Travis laughed.

  “Why garlic? It’s so tricky.”

  “That’s why. I can do so many things with it—tone it down, let it bite. You can warm people and piss them off with garlic. It’s kind of like sex.”

  “You weren’
t kidding—you can’t move on.” She shook her head.

  “I told you.”

  “So garlic, huh?”

  Travis nodded as if he were slowly taking off her clothes. It had been forever since anyone had taken off her clothes or she’d even thought about it, but she was thinking about it now.

  “Yeah, garlic, but you know, salt and pepper are good too.” Travis got the check.

  After ice cream at Churn, he dropped her off at her front door and kissed her silly. He had said it was not a good idea for him to come in. Paige was at the farm waiting for Gracie, but it still wasn’t a good idea. Makenna wasn’t going to throw herself at him, but as he pulled away, she couldn’t remember ever wanting garlic more.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Makenna had never been to Travis’s house, but she couldn’t sleep so she looked up his address in his employee file. As she pulled into the visitors’ parking lot, she was on her third or fourth round of second thoughts. Did women do this? Just show up at a man’s house unannounced, especially a man like Travis?

  She sat in her car, engine running, and just knew Gracie was going to have her babies soon. Her dad had said by the end of the week for sure. When would be the next time she’d be alone, able to play single spontaneous woman? This was it: her moment to be free and get her man. Makenna laughed at the thought of her sex life being dependent on a goat giving birth. Seemed about right. Her man, what did that even mean? She was a mother, a sister, and a daughter, but being someone’s woman, lover, was so forgotten that doubt stopped her cold.