Reserved

by Tracy Ewens

  “I’m sorry.” He tried to take her hand across the table. She didn’t pull back but didn’t move at all. “I’d just finished dealing with Avery and when I got to the school—this is going to sound so strange—I couldn’t go in.”

  “Wait, you were there? Why were you dealing with Avery?” Kenna could have kicked herself. She had decided to say nothing, to not give him the satisfaction of a conversation, but some part of her, probably her heart, hoped he had an explanation.

  “Yeah, long story short, Avery and John are having a baby and she wanted to deliver the news personally because that’s totally healthy, right?”

  She didn’t laugh. She could barely look at him. Was I supposed to laugh, really?

  “So, I was kind of reeling from that conversation and then I had this weird flashback memory thing. I just left, and I’m sorry.”

  Makenna finally looked up from her laptop, her face now burning.

  Travis ran his hand over his clearly sleep-deprived face and continued. “I’m not sure what happened to me, but being at the school and hearing those parents, those fathers cheering, I lost it. I know I sound like a complete idiot, but I couldn’t go in. How’d it go? Paige said she got two ribbons.”

  She couldn’t form words. Was he thinking that was it? He was sorry and they’d just resume talking about their day? It was entirely possible that what they were discussing was a guy with some daddy issues who took a pass on a kindergarten field day. Somewhere in her mind, that scenario played, but in the forefront of her mind, spilling out of her thundering heart, was something completely different. She was sitting across from a guy who was so wrapped up in his own mess that he left her daughter waiting. Without a second thought, a text, or a phone call, he bailed. Makenna was left having to explain why he hadn’t bothered to show up. She’d lied to her daughter for him. Lied. Travis continued to ramble on as if nothing was wrong, like it was some blip. If she had to listen to one more word, she was going to lose her mind.

  She looked at him, unable to find any kind of expression, closed her laptop, and stood to leave.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I think I’ll work from home today.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, it’s probably best that I’m not here today because I’m about to lose my shit all over you and that . . . well, we open for lunch in about two hours. Crazy pissed-off woman is never good for business.”

  Travis took her arm. “Makenna, I’m sorry. I know it was the worst not to show up, but I’m trying to explain.”

  Kenna looked at his grip and then back to his eyes. He let go of her arm. Smart man.

  “I honestly didn’t expect my reaction. I’ve obviously got some stuff to deal with, and I will. Paige mentioned a carnival coming up and I’ll be there, I promise.”

  She turned on him so fast he had to step back.

  “Here’s the thing.” She stepped toward him and looked right up into his eyes. “You’re not going to her carnival as some make-up day. That’s not how this is going to work. You told Paige you would be at her field day, and then you didn’t show.”

  “And I talked to her this morning. I came in early, made her lunch, and apologized.”

  “You didn’t show and you didn’t call.”

  “I thought you’d be busy working field day and I was in a really bad mood, so I just let it go.”

  “Right. Fine.”

  “I get that you’re pissed and I’m sure I would be too, but I’m not sure what you want me to do.”

  “I want you to stick with what you do best—making lunches.” She saw the pain hit him, which was exactly what she wanted. Something was fueling her, years of something, and it felt like nothing was going stop the anger. “That’s what I want. I told you at the beginning of this that we were different, that I was different.”

  “I know, but what—”

  She held up her hand. “I have responsibilities, someone counting on me, and I will not . . . will not allow anyone to screw that up. Do you understand me?”

  “Kenna, it was one field day. I’ll make it up to her.”

  “Oh wow, do you hear yourself? Here’s the thing, Travis. It doesn’t matter what kind of morning you were having or what was going on in your very adult world. She was waiting for you. You promised, so short of a story that has you lying in the street bleeding, I’m not interested.” As soon as the words flew out of her mouth, she had visions of Adam in the hospital after he’d died. Why would she say something like that? She was out of control and angry at things that seemed far deeper than “one field day,” as Travis had put it. She’d started out a pissed-off mom, but somehow some of her own pain had seeped in. Maybe part of her was sticking up for the little girl her mother had left. Images of her childhood, Adam, and the feeling of waiting for him. God, she was so tired of waiting.

  Travis ran his hand over his face again and shook his head. “Again, I’m not sure what you want me to do here, Kenna.”

  She went from angry to numb in a matter of minutes. She should have left her life alone, she thought, as tears welled up. In that moment, Kenna would have given anything to go back to simply bantering with Travis. She wanted to go back to being Ken, before the stupid notion that she needed to date anyone. What the hell had she been thinking? She wanted to curl up on the couch with her daughter and read or watch another movie. They were fine, and she didn’t need any of this.

  Travis was trying to hold on, to fix this, but she was slipping through his fingers. Her eyes were wild and he was afraid to move because she was so angry one minute and he would have sworn he saw fear flash across her face the next. He said nothing and searched her eyes for some clue that would explain why it felt like the woman he loved beyond reason looked like she was saying good-bye.

  “Stop looking at me. I can’t breathe,” she said, breaking the weighted silence between them.

  He moved toward her, and Makenna held up her hands in what looked like a gesture of survival.

  “No, please stay where you are.”

  “I know I screwed up. It won’t happen again, but we’ll get past this.” He let out a slow breath and scrambled for calm.

  Travis knew her, knew the curves and turns of her body and, he thought, her mind, but this was new; this was pain she had yet to share. It felt like more than one field day, and he didn’t know how to help.

  “I’m not minimizing.” He kept trying. “I know Paige was waiting for me, counting on me to be there, and I discussed it with her and apologized. That’s the best I can do, and now I just have to move on and be there for her carnival, right?”

  “She’s a child,” came out in a whisper.

  “I know. Why does this feel like more than a field day? If you’re pissed about other things, let’s get them out. Tell me what you want, how we get over this.”

  “We don’t, we don’t get over this. What we do is figure out how to move on and get back to the way things were before . . . before—”

  “Before you fell in love with me? Before you knocked me to the ground and I fell in love with you and your daughter?”

  And there it was. He saw the first tear hit Makenna’s cheek and even though he was pissed and confused, all he wanted to do was hold her.

  “Yes, before that. Before I started needing you. Before you promised and didn’t show.”

  “Kenna.”

  She shook her head. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe this is deeper, but whatever it is, I can’t do this. There’s a reason I’ve been alone since Adam died.”

  “Please.”

  “No! I’m tired of being left behind and so damn tired of waiting,” she blurted out in a voice somewhere between a yell and a cry that he barely recognized.

  At the sound, Sage appeared in the bar, wide-eyed. She’d clearly been chosen to check on them by the rest of the staff. They were all probably huddled in the back kitchen because it was entirely too quiet. Sage went quickly back through the door again without a word.

  “I sho
uld go.”

  “I think we need to figure this out.”

  “There’s nothing to figure out, Travis. You’re you with your family issues or stuff with your dad. That’s what kept you from field day, from us. You’re all about easy and simple, remember? That’s not who I am. I’ll always plan the details. I’ll always be complicated. I don’t want the pain of waiting around anymore. The need, wanting someone to pick me up from school or come home or show up at a damn field day. I don’t want it. I want my old life back. I was happy there.” Makenna wiped her tears away. He sat down and she let out a slow exhale.

  “Please, come here.” He’d honestly never felt more helpless in his life. She seemed hell-bent on running, and he had no idea how to make her stay.

  “No. I can’t make it go away. I can’t love you because, as it turns out, we’re both broken.”

  He stood and managed to close the space and wrap her in his arms. She allowed the hug and rested her face against his chest.

  “It’s okay.” God, he loved her.

  She said nothing and he knew despite his words, what was coursing through her was anything but okay. She was going to break his heart. He braced himself and waited for the blow.

  “I need to leave.”

  He didn’t let go, so she eased out of his arms.

  “Thank you, I’m fine, we’ll be fine. Really, this is all for the best.”

  “Best for who?” he asked.

  “Both of us.”

  “Not really, seeing how my life without you and Paige is going to work.”

  “We are in your life, we’ll always be here.”

  “I’m not giving up, Kenna. This isn’t over.”

  “I’m sorry. Things will get back to normal. It’ll just take time.”

  Travis shook his head.

  Makenna nodded and moved toward the door. He put his arm up on the wall next to her, boxing her in.

  “Please, let me go.”

  “We’re just going through a mess right now. This is what it’s all about, right? Figuring each other out. We’re doing the work.”

  Makenna swallowed and shook her head.

  “Don’t do this. I’ll bust my ass. You’re right—it’s complicated, but I want you anyway.”

  Nothing was working; he could see it in her face.

  Makenna put her hand on the front door.

  “Have a good night, Ken.” Travis turned before he could fall to his knees and walked back to the kitchen. He paused at the door while what seemed like everyone who worked there, including Logan, busied themselves as if it were any other day. When he heard the front door open and close, Travis grabbed his apron and went to work.

  And just like that, she got her wish. She was back to being Ken. She walked out into the warm sunshine and by the time she reached the Jeep, her tears were dry. Makenna rolled her shoulders back, started her car, and got on with it. She had payroll to do, Paige to pick up that afternoon, and details to tend to. Her heart would find its way back to where it belonged. It always did.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The next two weeks were business as usual, and Travis was slowly losing his mind. Makenna was civil. He even saw Paige a couple of times, but she hadn’t forgotten the lunch box for fifteen days straight. He would never be able to explain it to someone, but not making Paige’s lunch was almost as painful as not being able to touch her mother’s face. Logan hadn’t said much, and Travis imagined the whole thing was awkward for him too. If he knew his friend, he was letting it play out and hoping, in the end, he still had a friend and his sister in one piece.

  Kenna seemed perfectly fine, on time, focused on her job. He had no idea how she did it, how she shut it all down, and he would admit seeing her buzzing around hurt. He didn’t want her to be miserable, but he was now boxing every morning, which meant he was dog tired because it was honestly the only way he could fall asleep at night without seeing her, wanting her, wishing he could somehow undo what he’d done. So it might help if she, at least, looked a little sad, but she didn’t.

  “Do you know where Kenna is?” Logan asked as he directed a guy with a goatee, wearing a yellow sweatshirt, to put the boxes on his dolly in front of the office.

  Travis shook his head and looked back down at his red peppers.

  “She’s in the bathroom,” Sage said. “Yeah, is my salt in there?”

  Yellow sweatshirt looked at his list and nodded.

  “Great.”

  “Is she using the bathroom?”

  “No, cleaning it. She went in there with a toothbrush, something about the grout.”

  “Jesus, she’s moved on to cleaning the grout now?”

  “You”—Logan looked at Travis—“could you please fix this because I’d really like to have my sister back, not to mention my restaurant manager.”

  Travis wrinkled his brow. “What are you talking about? She’s cleaning. Isn’t that a good thing?”

  Logan shook his head and signed for the delivery.

  “See that? Did you see me signing that? I’ve got chicken legs braising and I had to stop to sign for supplies. Not my job, but because you fucked up, my manager has locked herself in the damn bathroom. Fix this, God damn it!” Logan pushed through the kitchen doors.

  Travis dried his hands and went to the bathrooms. The men’s door was locked. He put his hand on the door as if he could somehow reach her.

  “Kenna?”

  “Busy.”

  “There was a guy here with a delivery.”

  “Just sign for it.” She sounded out of breath.

  Travis leaned up against the locked door and then slid down the wall until he was sitting, his boots resting at the base of the opposite wall. He could hear her scrubbing, the water sloshing.

  “Kenna?”

  “What?” she yelled, and he heard something fall to the tile.

  “What are you doing in there?”

  She let out a sigh he could hear through the door. “I’m cleaning.”

  “The bathroom is pretty clean already.”

  “Yeah, well, that shows what you know. This grout is dirty. Just leave me alone.”

  He said nothing, just sat there wanting to be near her.

  She wasn’t scrubbing.

  “Should we talk about anything?” he said quietly, somehow knowing she was on the other side listening.

  “No.” Her voice was soft and close. She was sitting directly on the other side; he could feel her.

  “Okay, well, since you’ve moved on and are clearly fine . . . you’re cleaning, so you’re obviously fine, I’d like to get a few things out.”

  She was right there; he could hear her breathing.

  “I miss you.” Three words and his eyes were already threatening to tear up. “And even though it’s not going to work and you’re doing fine, I want you to know that I’m still not giving up. I’m still loving you. Can you feel that, Kenna?”

  Nothing.

  “Maybe we both have things to learn. You know, we’re different, but that doesn’t mean this won’t work. Paige showed me this video once. It was an owl that was friends with a cat. I guess it was on some farm, she didn’t tell me, but it was pretty cute. There was a picture of this black cat with his paw around like a barn owl, I think. Weird, right?”

  Nothing.

  “I remember because I told Paige if those two could get along, maybe she could be friends with Sierra.” He laughed and wiped the tear from his face. “She scrunched up her face, you know how she does, and said that was different because Sierra was a predator.” He continued laughing and then he heard her through the door. At first, it sounded like she was breathing heavily again, back to cleaning, but Travis realized she was crying. He thunked the back of his head against the door. “Christ, Kenna, please talk to me.”

  He heard a sniffle and then the scrub brush. Travis ran a hand over his face, stood, and went back to work.

  Makenna couldn’t breathe. She heard him walk away, and now her sobs were coming in gulps o
f air as she continued scrubbing. She missed him, wanted him, but she wanted her sanity, her order even more. That’s what it had come down to for her over the last couple of weeks. Every time she looked at her phone or walked past him, she vowed to maintain her normal. She needed it for her daughter and for her own heart. It served neither of them if she was some mushy basket case, but her heart hurt every time she saw him and it wasn’t getting any better. She kept trying to move forward. It had worked before, but he was still there, still loving her, as he said. This will pass, she told herself. All she needed to do was to continue being complicated and he would eventually move on too.

  Makenna sat Paige down that night and talked about the lunches and her Travis. She explained that he was part of her life, but maybe not as big a part as she was making him. She tried to direct her six-year-old back to Logan, Garrett, and her Donk. Of course, she didn’t say it, but she wanted Paige to know that these were the men in her life; they had always been there and would continue to be there even if things became complicated. She also wanted her to understand that while her Travis made great lunches, so did her Mama. Paige said she understood. Kenna knew it was as much as a six-year-old could understand, but things seemed to be under control. Kenna started putting carrots and little cups of buttermilk dressing in her lunch, and apparently Sierra asked her where she got the little cups. Major points!