by Cari Z.
“The ability to take another person’s life can be seen as a good thing, depending on who does the dying, or it can be a skill that makes other people consider you a monster. It all depends on what you decide to do with it. And a person who can face the prospect of death with calm and acceptance… it’s captivating, in its way. Admirable.”
Ferran listened to the explanation with his head cocked and disbelief clear in his eyes. “Perels think of any death resulting from violence as shameful—something to be avoided at all costs.” His beautiful, expressive face was somber, and his ears were flared back, a sign of discomfort. “After our civil war, with so many of us dead or wounded, it became clear that we had taken our ability to destroy life too far. It was uncertain for a time whether our species would even survive. All lives are to be treasured, even those which have little to offer their Houses or society at large. Unnatural deaths are very rare, and suicide is one of the worst things a Perel can do. It brings shame on an entire family.”
“Like what happened with your brother?”
Ferran nodded. “It’s one reason that my petition to be trained as a diplomat was taken so seriously, even though I’m only a sterile male. There’s a flaw in my breeding, and the matriarchs thought it was possible that I might kill myself if they denied my petition.” Ferran took in Jason’s expression and hurried to add, “I didn’t lie when I told you before that I wasn’t going to, though. I would never do that. It is the ultimate expression of hopelessness, and I was never without hope.”
“Good,” Jason said firmly, leaning in and capturing Ferran’s lips in a kiss. The Perel seemed to melt against his body, warm and lithe and pliable, and Jason pulled him closer, framing Ferran’s smooth, pale face with his hands and opening up to his lover’s rough, questing tongue and the hungry little purrs that accompanied it. Before they had technically gotten married, Ferran had let Jason do all the driving when it came to their sex life. Now that he felt more secure, Ferran was occasionally reaching for control, taking it and giving it back to Jason as they gently dueled for dominance.
“It’s our last night here,” Jason said around their kiss, barely able to spare the breath to get the words out. “What do you want?”
“You.” It was what Ferran always said, and it was so full of truth and need that Jason couldn’t help but hold him tighter and pull him a little closer.
“In our bed?” he whispered, nuzzling the pulse point beneath Ferran’s jaw before he bit it very lightly. Ferran shivered in his arms.
“Wherever you want me,” Ferran breathed. “Anywhere, any way you want me.”
“The bed, then,” Jason decided, standing up and drawing Ferran up with him. They had already christened every room of the house, including the butterfly pavilion and, during a rare moment of good weather, the balcony. He wanted their last night to be close and comforting as opposed to fast and furious, or in the case of the garage, acrobatic.
They kissed their way back to the bedroom, so absorbed in each other that Jason didn’t remember the photographs he’d left out on the bed. Ferran reached out and moved them to the dresser before they could be crushed, and a moment later, the two of them were lying on the bed pressed against each other.
Perels were physically similar enough to humans that it had never been a challenge for Jason, physically or mentally, to be intimate with Ferran. The challenge had come in being emotionally ready to involve himself with a species of people renowned for their sexual appetite. Jason had learned, though, that there was far more to the Perel than their reputation suggested.
Which wasn’t to say that there was anything wrong with Ferran’s hunger when it was focused on Jason. Ferran twined his slender, strong legs with Jason’s and pulled them tightly against each other, their erections rubbing tantalizingly through the thin cotton pants they both wore. Jason had a shirt on as well, but Ferran was bare-chested, which he always preferred as long as it wasn’t too cold. His skin was so warm….
The urge to strip them out of their clothes and just rut until they came was strong, but Jason wanted more than sex tonight. “Let me touch you,” he said softly, stilling the rhythm of Ferran’s hips with one hand as he caressed the length of his lover’s thigh. Ferran was panting, his chest rising and falling in short bursts, but he nodded his assent.
Jason started at the top, stroking a hand carefully through the quills on his lover’s head, feeling them quiver under his fingers and switch from soft to sharp, soft to sharp. When they were sharp, they were almost edged enough to cut the tender skin of his lips, so Jason left the touching to his toughened hands and worked his fingers through the thin, straight strands. Short and blunter at the edges of Ferran’s face, the longest quills along the top of his head and the nape of his neck were almost six inches in length.
Jason trailed his fingers down a cluster of quills just behind Ferran’s ear, pausing there to gently scratch the tight skin. Ferran purred and turned his head into the touch, the rigid focus of his desire relaxing somewhat as he pursued the comfort Jason was offering. Ferran’s ears slanted back against his head, crinkle-edged and each tufted with a wisp of amber hair. They were adorable and incredibly touchable, but Jason knew Ferran was sensitive about the things that spoke most loudly to the differences between them, and those differences sometimes made him self-conscious.
For a moment, Jason wondered exactly how much his new husband was working to be sensitive to human culture—perhaps to things that even Jason wasn’t noticing—but then Ferran mewled needily and nuzzled against Jason’s throat, redirecting his attention.
Jason kissed Ferran’s closed eyelids, so thin they were almost transparent, their lashes long and dark. He kissed his pointed nose and the tip of his sharp chin before losing himself again in Ferran’s mouth. God, his lover could kiss. His tongue may be longer and rougher than a human’s, but Jason never came away from Ferran’s touch feeling raw. Jason’s tongue delved into Ferran’s mouth in turn, cautious over canines that were marginally longer and sharper than a human’s. One hand cupped Ferran’s neck, fingers burrowing into the quills there, while the other kept moving against Ferran’s side, brushing over the edge of his abdomen before skirting back to less sensitive territory.
They broke apart long enough for Ferran to murmur, “Jason.” His voice was dark and throaty, almost a growl.
“Let me,” Jason said, trying to stay on track with what he had in mind. He needed to ground himself in Ferran tonight, touch every bit of him, and feel the reality of him. Everything else in his life was about to change. Ferran had to be familiar; he had to become the basis of Jason’s sense of home now.
Ferran whined faintly but acquiesced, and Jason continued his steady march down his lover’s body, kissing and licking at his throat, tormenting each set of nipples as he worked his way down Ferran’s chest. The skin was slightly darker around those, a flush of pink against unrelenting paleness. Even the tender skin of Ferran’s stomach was thicker than a human’s, more resistant to scratches and tears. The only places his skin truly softened were over his eyes and….
Jason undid the tie on Ferran’s pants and pulled them down and away, leaving him nude. The head of his erection was bright red and flowing with milky fluid. It glistened against the length of his cock and pooled at the base with no hair to get caught in. Jason liked being able to see every part of his lover. He licked the head once gently, just enough to get a taste before moving down the bed.
Ferran whined again, louder this time, but he didn’t reach for himself or try to redirect Jason back to his cock. He pulled his knees back and shuddered when Jason kissed the insides of his thighs and stroked down over the taut muscles of his calves. Ferran’s toes were exceptionally long when compared to a human’s, and his feet had high, curving arches. His toenails were black and thick, protective, and Jason spared a moment to kiss the biggest nail on each foot before he finally began to slide back up Ferran’s body.
God, Ferran was leaking so much it almost looked like he was
coming in slow motion. Perels, Jason had learned, produced a lot more seminal fluid than humans did, and the two of them made good use of it now. Jason ran his fingers through the liquid that had collected against Ferran’s balls, which were drawn hard and tight against his body, and then ran them back underneath his lover until his slick fingers probed Ferran’s entrance. Ferran relaxed immediately, welcoming the press, and the rich fluid acted as a perfect lubricant. Gathering a little more, Jason pushed his fingers back inside as he lowered his mouth onto Ferran’s cock.
Ferran came quickly, keening, the build-up too much for him to resist. Hot sperm filled Jason’s mouth to overflowing, and he swallowed quickly. It tasted bitterer than a human man’s, musky and thick, but Jason swallowed again and again, addicted to the flavor. When it was clear there would be no more, Jason gently let go of Ferran’s swollen, sensitized organ and moved to pull his fingers out.
“No,” Ferran pleaded, clenching him tight. “Be in me.”
“I will,” Jason promised. “Give me a moment, and I will.” As soon as Ferran nodded and relaxed, Jason sat back, pulling off his shirt and pants more hastily than usual and throwing them to the floor. A moment later, he was pressed against Ferran again, their bodies perfectly matched; and then Ferran drew his legs back and rolled his hips, and suddenly it was impossible not to slide into him.
Hot, so hot, so slicktightperfect… and God, Jason was going to come in a second if he didn’t control himself. He leaned back on his arms a little bit, putting some distance between himself and Ferran. It didn’t help. The low lights made his lover’s eyes look like they were glowing, and Ferran’s hands were everywhere, stroking down his chest and over his shoulders and urging him on. After a moment, he gave in to the urge, pulling back and then stroking in with more and more force until he was gasping for breath, his whole body was burning with tension, and he knew that he was on the cusp of exploding—all it would take was a look, a word, a movement….
“Jason.” One word, one look he couldn’t decipher when there was so much to see in those eyes, and then Jason flew apart, burying himself in Ferran as he came so hard that his vision dimmed and his hearing went fuzzy. Everything seemed to be quivering, from his hair to his toes, and it took all that he had not to black out and collapse on his lover.
Ferran knew, of course. His ability to feel them grew stronger the more intimate they became. He held Jason close, cradling him against his body but not suffocating him, giving him the space he needed to catch his breath.
It took minutes, and every minute was a gift, every second a blessing. He breathed out, and Ferran basked in his exhalations, purring with pleasure.
It was frightening how much Jason craved the closeness he had with Ferran and the understanding of how much they needed each other. The love hadn’t been nearly as hard for Jason to reconcile as the growing understanding that he was becoming genuinely dependent on someone else for the first time since he was a child. Jason had been part of a team. He’d been in relationships, but those had paled in comparison to what was happening to him now, and he was both glad of and anxious about that.
Eventually, Jason came back to himself enough to get up. He went into the bathroom and wet a clean washcloth, coming back to find Ferran curled on his side, his huge eyes at half-mast, gazing in Jason’s direction.
“I am also nervous,” Ferran said.
The sudden confession took Jason by surprise, and he raised an eyebrow as he scooted close enough to wipe his lover clean. “Why are you nervous?”
“I want you to be happy on Perelan.”
“I will be happy,” Jason promised. “I’ll be with you.”
“Yes,” Ferran said, but that was all he said, and Jason was learning to hear his new husband’s silences as well as he did his words.
“I said forever,” Jason told him, smoothing a palm over damp skin. “I meant it. I don’t expect it will all be easy, but we’ll learn how to deal with that.”
“I believe you.”
“As well you should,” Jason said, trying to lighten the mood a little. “Or didn’t you know that I’m always right about these sorts of things?”
“That’s not what Florence told me,” Ferran countered. She had been keeping in touch with both of them, sending brief text messages to their communicators almost daily, perhaps in an effort to make up for the fact that once they reached Perelan, they’d be cut off. No outside communications of any kind would be allowed unless they related to a family emergency, and Jason didn’t have any family left.
It was a shame, because Florence was a lot of fun to talk to, a good listener, and an immovable pillar of support. She managed to make them laugh more often than not, very frequently resorting to ancient idioms that Jason had to explain to Ferran or jovial commentary on what she considered Jason’s many amusing traits. Her last text to Ferran had read, Suggest installing a low-intensity shock button to use when you go out on the town with him. Wished for one many times myself. Might prompt him to be more outgoing.
“Flo is biased against me, you know that. She thinks I have no social skills.”
“She’s wrong about that,” Ferran agreed with a smile. “You’re very sociable with me.”
“You see? You can’t listen to her.” Jason leaned in and kissed Ferran, letting his lover’s insistent hands keep him close instead of getting up to clean the clothes from the floor like he’d intended. Jason was well and truly exhausted, and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, his lover’s arms curled possessively around his shoulders.
JASON WOKE up in a cold sweat sometime before dawn, his breathing fast and his heart pounding so hard it felt like it might beat out of his chest. The nightmare that had woken him was dissipating, leeching from his brain like an evaporating mist but leaving behind a dark, sticky residue. The urge to scream, caught by his tight jaw and clenched teeth, slowly receded.
It left Jason exhausted but absolutely unable to get back to sleep. He glanced over at Ferran, still curled close to him and still asleep. Well, that was a mercy. He didn’t want to explain to his lover what was going on with him.
Not that he knew himself, exactly.
Moving slowly, he eased out of the circle of Ferran’s arms and off the bed, grabbed a robe from the back of his bathroom door and slung it on, and then walked quietly into the living room. He stood at the door that led to his balcony and stared out into the darkness, just barely able to see the violent crashing of the waves far below. Lightning cracked through the sky, streaks of silver and gold in dark indigo clouds. Beautiful. Frightening. Sort of like what was happening here.
In his most ruthlessly practical moments when he was alone, Jason contemplated what he’d gotten himself into with a certain amount of grim resignation. He was going to be the first human being given intimate access to an alien world humans didn’t honestly know very much about. He was going there married to a high-ranking member of that society, from what Jason understood, but also a relatively powerless one. Infertile males were used as bargaining chips by their mothers, traded to other families to be caretakers and homemakers.
Ferran was the first ever to be allowed to pursue a different path, and Jason knew nothing about the labyrinths of political machinations that had to be driving that decision, much less how he fit into the grand scheme of things. There was no doubt in his mind, though, that his presence among the Perels was entirely calculated.
Jason didn’t doubt that Ferran loved him. His new husband was as innocent a creature as Jason had ever seen in some ways, barely old enough to be considered an adult by his own people. The depth of deceit it would take to fool Jason into falling for him was beyond Ferran—not to mention that, had snaring a human partner been premeditated, Ferran could have done a hell of a lot better. There was no lack of infatuated humans waiting for the first hint of something more with an attractive Perel to catapult them into love. Ferran could have gone for someone with more money, more power, or more connections.
Instead, he’
d fallen in love with Jason—who was a loner and always had been—and he had risked a great deal to be with him.
There was still a lot to work out about their union: how they would need to conduct themselves on the planet, how Jason’s actions would reflect on Ferran, even what Ferran’s duties within his own House would be now that he was no longer a viable bargaining chip. All his worth—all his beauty, gentility, and intelligence—had been spent on catching Jason, and Jason wasn’t at all sure he was going to prove a worthwhile investment.
He hadn’t had a nightmare for a long time. As a child they were night terrors, leaving him upright in his bed and screaming, unable to see or hear as his mother tried to calm him. His parents had refused medications and therapy, his father instead opting to teach Jason meditation and other methods of self-control. They had eventually worked, and he’d become very adept over the years at blocking or burying the things that made him uncomfortable. Only occasionally was it so bad that those things manifested as nightmares.
Uncertainty, doubts of his own self-worth, fear of leaving the simplicity and structure of everything he knew for the mystery that was Perelan…. Jason had a lot to be afraid of. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in deeply, letting the air circulate through the lowest parts of his lungs before emerging as a faint hiss through his teeth. He needed to handle this.
And he had to do it privately, because the last thing his new husband needed at the moment was insecurity from Jason. Ferran was going to be dealing with a lot once they got back to Perelan. Jason couldn’t add to that stress. Silently, he promised himself he’d take up daily meditation again; he’d work kata and other exercises that were comfortingly habitual, physical movements that would ground and occupy him. He could handle this on his own. He would have to.
Jason opened his eyes again and sighed. The very edge of the horizon was limned with violet, signaling the beginning of dawn. Ambassador Howards would arrive in less than three hours to take them away in her ship. Jason glanced around his house, his gaze lingering on the hardwood floors and handmade cabinets, the simple, comfortable furnishings and soothing earth tones. There was a neat stack of containers by the door that held everything he was taking with him to Perelan. Well, almost everything.