by Jae
This morning, she had even let herself be talked into going sledding with Dawn. She put her head down against the cold wind and the softly falling snow and stopped next to Dawn when they reached the top of the hill.
Dawn turned to her, and Aiden grinned at the blond locks sticking out from under the bright red woolen cap. Dawn turned the sled around and straddled it. "I think it's better if you sit in the back since you're taller than me."
"Okay." Aiden took her place behind Dawn. Sitting this close to Dawn, feeling her body pressed against her own, even through thick layers of clothing, made her heart jump. Carefully, she settled her gloved hands around Dawn's waist. "Is this okay?"
"Yes, of course." Dawn half turned to look at her and had a slight smirk on her face. "I know it's not meant to be sexual."
Aiden bit her lip. She hadn't expected such openness. Absurd as it might seem, more often than not, Dawn was the one who was forcing herself to talk about the rape and the effects it had on her more openly. Meanwhile, Aiden found herself dancing around the issue and trying to avoid anything that might remind Dawn of it.
"Hold on!" Dawn shouted. "Here we go!"
They pushed off and accelerated down the hill, leaning right or left sometimes or sticking out a leg to steer the sled around obstacles. Dawn hollered and cheered, making Aiden chuckle. When the sled bumped over a snow-covered molehill, she grabbed Aiden's knees for balance. All too soon they glided to a stop at the bottom of the hill.
Dawn's eyes glittered, and her cheeks were red from the cold and the excitement. She grabbed the rope on the sled to pull it back up the hill. "Again!"
A few rides later, Dawn stopped at the top of the hill. "You want to sit up front for a change? You have to steer, though. I can't see around you."
Aiden took the offered seat in the front. She sharply inhaled a lungful of the crisp winter air when she felt Dawn's arms snake around her and her hands settle against her stomach. Suppressing the impulse to cover the smaller hands with her own, she grabbed the sled's rope instead and felt Dawn tuck her thighs behind her own as she pushed off the edge. Soon, they were gliding down the hill again.
"I think we should stop for the day," Aiden said when they reached the bottom. Dawn's pants, like her own, were covered with snow up to the knees and were beginning to get wet as it thawed. The last thing she wanted was for Dawn to get sick during the holidays.
Dawn sighed and let her gaze wander over the snow-covered hills one more time. "I guess you're right, but it's just so peaceful out here, like we're a thousand miles away from the city and everything that happened there."
Aiden was not eager to leave either. She had enjoyed seeing Dawn's more carefree side. "We can come back here whenever you want to," Aiden promised.
A little later she parked her car next to Dawn's "sardine can," which was faithfully waiting for Dawn in front of Aiden's apartment building. They stomped their feet to relieve their boots of as much snow as possible before entering the building. Aiden was shivering; her nose was running, and her toes felt as if they would soon fall off, but it had been fun, and she decided that spending time with Dawn was worth a few lost toes.
Aiden made a beeline for the bedroom, changing and searching for a pair of sweatpants and socks that Dawn could wear. When she returned with those articles of clothing, she found her guest in the kitchen. The coffee machine was happily gurgling away, and water was heating on the stove while Dawn was picking through the collection of teas that Aiden had bought for her. Dawn had turned on the CD player, and the Christmas CD that Dawn had insisted she buy was playing Christmas carols, with Dawn humming along.
Aiden watched her from the doorway, happy to see how obviously at home Dawn already felt in her apartment. It had never felt so much like home as right now to Aiden. She loved having Dawn in her apartment but hesitated to tell her that, not wanting to put any pressure on her to stay. "Hey, I brought you something to change into," she said when Dawn turned and saw her leaning in the doorway.
"Thanks." Dawn took sweats and socks and firmly closed the bathroom door behind her. They still hadn't quite reached a stage in their relationship where Dawn felt entirely comfortable changing in front of Aiden.
"Will I see you again before Monday, or should I give you your present now?" Aiden asked as they settled down on the couch, sipping their respective hot beverages.
Dawn put her mug of tea down and turned toward Aiden. Her knee grazed Aiden's and sent a tingling sensation up her leg. "About that... I thought it would be nice if we could exchange presents on Christmas Day."
"Are you sure that you'll have the time to come over?" Aiden asked. She knew that Dawn would spend Christmas with her mother, her sister-in-law, her niece and nephew, and a horde of other relatives while she would treat herself to her favorite Chinese takeout and go over to Ray's house for a while if she wasn't called out to a crime scene.
Dawn fiddled with the string of her teabag. "Well, actually... why don't you come over? I would really like it if you would spend just a little time with me and my family, maybe have dinner with us."
Aiden stared at her for a moment, not sure how to answer. "I'm on call."
"On Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day?"
Aiden nodded.
Dawn's brow furrowed. "Isn't it a little unusual that the same detective is on call for both days? My dad always had one of the days off."
"Your dad had a family – and I don't. I actually volunteered since I never really had anything worth celebrating anyway," Aiden said with a shrug.
Dawn's delicate throat moved as she swallowed and looked down. "I understand."
Shit! Now she thinks that I don't want to spend time with her. "I suppose I could come over for a while anyway. I'll just bring my pager with me."
"Not if you don't want to." Dawn studied her intently. "I don't want you to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with."
Comfortable? Comfortable would be ordering Chinese takeout and praying for a call to rescue me from all the happy-family Christmas movies on TV. I think I'll opt for a little discomfort this year. Just thinking about sitting at the dinner table with Dawn's mother and the overprotective Del while a horde of strangers and a dozen kids were running around, spreading Christmas cheer, made Aiden's stomach clench. But if it made Dawn happy, she would at least try it for a while. "I'll come over," she promised, not bothering to pretend she would be completely comfortable doing it. Dawn could see through her too easily.
"Okay. I'll call you with the exact time. I should head home now. It's still snowing pretty heavily outside." Dawn emptied her mug and stood, grabbing her half-dry pants on her way to the bathroom.
Aiden slipped on her boots and leather jacket to accompany Dawn to her car. Another few inches of snow had fallen, and Aiden picked up her snow shovel to make a path to Dawn's car for her.
She was leaning down to shift another shovelful of snow to the side when she felt a smack against her arm. Narrowing her eyes, Aiden turned toward Dawn, who stood with an expression of innocence, quickly hiding another snowball behind her back. With a playful warning glance, Aiden went back to work when another snowball hit her in the middle of her back. Aiden turned back around. "You're not by any chance trying to start a snowball fight with one of Portland's finest, are you?" She gave her voice a threatening quality.
Dawn grinned brightly. She scooped up two handfuls of snow and fashioned them into a ball. "Is it working?"
Aiden gritted her teeth, forcing herself not to react to the challenging twinkle in Dawn's eyes. "No."
"No?" Dawn raised her hand and aimed a snowball at Aiden.
Aiden made no move to defend herself and lob a snowball of her own against Dawn. Very early in their friendship, she had taken a thousand oaths never to hurt Dawn, and she was afraid to lose control and cross the line. Aiden knew that she tended to be competitive and intense, even in a friendly measuring of strength. She was afraid of what Dawn might see in her eyes if she responded with aggression even if
it was in a playful context. She didn't want to take the risk of scaring Dawn. "No," she repeated firmly and then, with effort, formed a small smile. "Department rules don't allow me to shoot at civilians, not even snowballs. Plus I don't want you to get snow all over your clothes again."
Dawn looked at her for another few seconds, and then she relented and threw her last snowball into the tree next to Aiden, spraying her with snow from the branches.
"Hey!" Aiden shook herself. She squirmed as a load of melting snow slipped past her collar and began to glide down her back.
"C'mere, I'll help get it off, you big baby." Dawn slipped off her gloves and tugged a resistant Aiden down.
Aiden stiffened when she felt Dawn's warm fingers slide down her neck, slipping under her sweatshirt to fish out the snow.
The fingers stopped abruptly, and Dawn's eyes widened as she suddenly noticed her position and Aiden's reaction to it. "Sorry, I..." She quickly stepped back.
Aiden closed her eyes for a moment as she felt the rest of the snow slide down her back, melting against her skin. "Hey, relax, okay?" She stepped up to Dawn and handed her the glove that had fallen to the ground. She let her fingers linger on Dawn's for a moment to emphasize her point. "If we're trying to build a relationship, I want you to feel comfortable enough to touch me. Unless you don't want that?" she asked, meaning both – the relationship and the touching.
"I want it. I want you, but..." Dawn gesticulated helplessly. "Sometimes I'm okay, and I don't think about it... about the rape... for hours or even days... and then... there are times when I jump whenever someone comes near me. I think I'm getting better, and then I freeze when I'm touched even though I know that it's a perfectly innocent, friendly touch. My body just can't always make that distinction, and I don't know when I'll be able to."
Aiden's own emotions reflected the helplessness and frustration she could clearly see on Dawn's face. "What can I do to make it easier for you?"
"You're already doing it," Dawn said. "You always let me be the one to establish any physical contact, and I want you to know how much I appreciate that. I know it's not easy for you to give up control either." Dawn stepped toward Aiden, wanting to be close but still a little hesitant to touch her or maybe just scared of being touched in return. Her fingers began to play with the leather of Aiden's jacket.
Aiden looked down her own body, watching the fingers that were tangled in her jacket. Somehow she found someone else touching the jacket that she wore almost every day as intimate as an embrace. "So, I'll see you on Christmas Eve?"
"Unless you want to come over tomorrow and help me pick out the perfect Christmas tree for my apartment?" Dawn invited tentatively.
Aiden laughed. "Picking out the perfect Christmas tree... is that as exhausting as finding the perfect shoes for you?"
Dawn slapped her on the arm and then intentionally let her fingers rest there. "More," she threatened. "I want a seven-foot tree."
"Well, then I better accompany you to make sure it'll fit into your living room," Aiden decided. Except for the small potted tree that Dawn had convinced her to buy, she hadn't bothered to put up a tree for years, but she was determined that Dawn should have her "perfect tree."
"Thanks... uh, do you mind if we take your car?" Dawn indicated her tiny car.
Aiden smiled. Do we ever take anything else? "No problem. I'll pick you up at... ten?"
"You're learning," Dawn complimented with a grin.
Aiden bowed. "Never should it be said that you can't teach an old detective new tricks."
"Until tomorrow." Dawn hugged her, intending for it to be quick, but her hands slipped under the leather jacket and came to linger on Aiden's waist for a few seconds.
Aiden gently squeezed back, careful not to use too much force or draw Dawn too close.
"I won't break, you know," Dawn whispered, close to Aiden's ear.
Maybe I'm afraid that I will. Aiden said nothing and just concentrated on the feeling of holding Dawn for a few more seconds.
Finally, Dawn stepped back and broke their embrace.
Aiden watched until the sardine can's taillights had disappeared in the distance. God, what have I gotten myself into?
* * *
Dawn took a deep breath when she saw how crowded the parking lot was getting and how many people were wandering around to pick out a Christmas tree. Being around too many people made her feel helpless and out of control, but she was determined not to let her fears prevent her from getting her perfect Christmas tree.
Just a few weeks ago, she couldn't imagine wanting to celebrate Christmas, but somehow she had found a new determination not to give up on life and all the little joys it had to offer. She turned her head to look at Aiden, knowing she had been a big part of it.
This was the third place where they had stopped in search of the perfect Christmas tree. Aiden had patiently followed her from tree to tree, only smiling indulgently when Dawn declared yet another tree "not perfect enough."
"Over there," Dawn said, pointing at a tree. "This one looks good."
"Don't you think it might be just a little too big?" Aiden grinned down at her.
Dawn studied the tree through narrowed eyes. "You think so?"
Aiden stepped next to the tree and gripped it with both hands, getting it into a more upright position. She looked up to the treetop. "Seven-foot apartment, eight-foot tree – you do the math."
Dawn circled Aiden and the tree, studying both of them. "Darn," she muttered. "It really looks perfect otherwise."
"Doctor Kinsley?" someone called.
Dawn flinched at the sudden voice from behind her. She took a step back and turned around.
Linda Harrison, bundled up in a bulky parka, stood in front of her, staring at Dawn with an expression that Dawn couldn't read right away even though she had gotten to know the older woman quite well in the six months she had counseled her. "Hello, Linda," she said with a friendly smile, trying not to let her former patient know how unsettled she was by the sudden encounter. It was the first time since her own rape that she had met one of the rape survivors she had counseled. "How are you?"
"Fine," Linda answered. Dawn hadn't seen her so guarded and distrustful since their first session. "How are you?" There was no friendliness or concern in the question. Instead, Dawn discovered something that looked almost like hostile reproach in Linda's eyes.
What's going on here? Dawn silently wondered. Linda had never been hostile toward her in any of her sessions. She had been depressed and had felt helpless and abandoned, but never had she been anything but respectful toward Dawn. "I'm fine," Dawn said, very used to never bringing her own issues into her interactions with a patient.
Linda nodded stiffly. "That's what I thought." She turned and began to walk away.
Dawn looked at Aiden. "Sorry," she said. "I have to –"
"Go." Aiden gave her an understanding nod. "I'll wait here."
Dawn quickly ran after Linda. "Linda!" she called. "Hey! Wait up, please. What's going on?"
Linda finally stopped and whirled around. "Your secretary called and canceled our sessions, saying you couldn't see me anymore. She implied that there was some health issue going on, but here you are... and you're obviously fine and..."
Dawn sighed. And your abandonment issues kicked in at full force, she silently finished Linda's sentence. Linda's husband had left her after she had been raped, unable to handle the strain on their marriage, and Linda had struggled with self-worth and abandonment issues ever since. Dawn had never asked her secretary what reason she had given for having to cancel her sessions. Damn. I should have handled it myself, she thought but knew that she hadn't been up for it back then.
Even if she had, she wasn't sure what she would have told Linda. She had never planned on telling her patients she had been raped. Maybe because she had thought it wasn't professional to bring up her own problems; maybe because she hadn't wanted to take away the safe setting of their sessions by revealing that even their therapi
st wasn't safe from rape, or maybe because she had wanted to hold on to her role as a therapist and didn't want to see herself as just another victim.
"Actually," Dawn said, taking a deep breath, "I'm not fine at all. I wouldn't have referred you to another psychologist without a good reason, Linda. I promise it had nothing to do with you."
Linda still looked guarded but not so hostile anymore. "Then why?" she asked. "Why did you cancel our sessions all of a sudden?"
Dawn knew there was only one answer now: the truth. "I was raped," she said quietly.
Linda gasped. "What?"
Dawn didn't repeat it. She pressed her lips together and looked Linda in the eyes.