by Maria Duffy
He’d eventually gone to bed the previous night at 3 a.m. and there still hadn’t been any sign of Stephanie coming home. Josh had planned to stay up until he knew she was back safely but two things had eventually changed his mind. One – he had a seven o’clock start the following morning. Trying to teach a group of highly charged twelve-year-olds when he’d had no sleep was something he hadn’t wanted to face. And two – he wasn’t her father and she wasn’t a teenager. So instead of sitting on the sofa watching senseless telly until she came home, he’d lain in bed wide awake until she’d crash-banged her way into the room at 5.37 a.m. precisely.
His first thought when he’d heard sounds akin to a herd of elephants coming from downstairs was that she must have been drunk. He’d quickly ruled that out, but when she’d come into the bedroom, turning the light on and flinging bits of her clothing on the floor before falling into bed, he’d begun to wonder again. A wave of panic had overcome him and he’d turned to look at her on the bed. She’d already fallen asleep, sprawled over the outside of the duvet with just her knickers on. She’d left the bedroom light on, which had forced him out of the bed to switch it off. He’d been torn between annoyance and concern. They’d agreed right from the start of the pregnancy that she wouldn’t drink any alcohol for the duration and he’d hoped she’d kept her promise. By her own admission, she’d been a bit of a wild teen – drinking to excess and dabbling in some recreational drugs. There was a part of him that had been scared she’d slip back into her old ways – now that she was pregnant, he was even more worried.
He’d crept back into bed, pulling the duvet gently from under her and placing it over her exposed body. She’d been lying on her back, her lips slightly parted, so Josh had taken the opportunity to smell her breath. He’d quietly brought his face close to hers, half expecting to smell alcohol, but all he’d gotten was a whiff of garlic. It hadn’t completely put his mind at ease, but he needed some sleep so he’d turned on his side and closed his eyes for the short amount of time that was left before the alarm went off.
Now he was exhausted and, on top of that, the stomach pain had come back earlier and it had been pretty bad. He’d popped a couple of pills before he’d left the house and thankfully that had kept it to a dull ache. At least he’d already gotten through the worst of the day – just another two hours to go before home time. He’d promised the lads football in the afternoon but he was going to have to cancel. They’d moan and look at him as though he’d committed a cardinal sin, but he’d just have to suck it up. He glanced at his watch again – ten minutes of break left – so he sank a little lower into his chair and allowed his eyes to close.
‘Josh. Josh!’
He opened his eyes a slit and for a moment couldn’t think where he was.
‘Josh, wake up. Are you okay?’
He squinted as the sunlight trickling through the window blinded him and he tried to focus. It took him a few moments but when he realised where he was, he jumped up in panic. ‘Donal! Jesus, I must have dropped off.’
‘Ms Heffernan heard chaos coming from your class,’ said the school principal, a stern look on his face. ‘She went to investigate and found the boys running wild with no supervision.’
‘I’m so sorry. I’ll head in there straight away.’
‘Are you up to it?’ Donal asked, looking at Josh with concern. ‘You’re not sick, are you?’
‘No, no, I’m fine. I just didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all.’
Donal chuckled as they walked out of the staff room. ‘Pregnant girlfriend not getting sleep and making sure she doesn’t suffer alone, eh?’
He wasn’t entirely wrong. ‘Something like that.’
‘I remember when my Sally was pregnant with our Jack. Up all night with heartburn, she was. And she had me running up and down those stairs through the night to get her Gaviscon, cups of tea, dry crackers. By the end of the pregnancy I felt like I’d carried the child myself.’
‘I know what you mean,’ said Josh, following him out the door. ‘I’d better go and sort these boys out. Sorry again.’
Almost half past one. The boys had had a half hour to cause chaos in the classroom. They must have been delighted with themselves. At least now Josh wouldn’t have to make an excuse for not giving them football. He could tell them it was a punishment and if they behaved and read quietly for the rest of the day, they’d be rewarded tomorrow. He just couldn’t wait to get home. He was angry at Steph, but he was also worried and he needed to talk to her. Calmly. He didn’t want to argue with her but he wanted to make her understand why he was so concerned.
He could hear them from down the corridor. Much as he loved teaching the boys, he’d rather have been anywhere else at that moment. But he knew what he had to do so he took a deep breath and swung the door open. They knew immediately by his face that they were in a whole lot of trouble. At least they respected him enough to go quiet and return to their seats. He stood at the top of the class and it dawned on him that this was where he had control. It was easier to manage thirty twelve-year-olds than one pregnant girlfriend. It would be funny if it wasn’t so worrying.
When he finally walked in the front door of his house, he exhaled a sigh of relief. He’d honestly thought he was going to drop off to sleep again on that drive home. He could hear the telly on so Stephanie was obviously up and about. That was something at least. He closed the door behind him and walked into the sitting room, where she was sprawled on the sofa watching Mad Men. She looked a stark contrast to the previous night. She was wearing a pair of his tracksuit bottoms with one of his sloppy jumpers. Her hair was dishevelled and clipped up haphazardly on top of her head and the remains of last night’s make-up streaked down her face. She looked up as he came in and her eyes were bloodshot. A cold chill ran through his veins.
‘You look awful,’ he said, too tired to bother with niceties. ‘Good night?’
She pulled her feet towards her to make room for him to sit down but he stayed where he was. ‘It was the best. All the gang were there and we haven’t all been together in an age.’
‘You were very late.’ He searched her face for something. Guilt maybe.
‘I know. I’m sorry. Coco and I were sharing a taxi and I couldn’t drag her away. She’s been after Jeremy for months now and was finally getting somewhere last night.’
‘Hmm.’ He knew he sounded like a disapproving dad. Again. But he couldn’t help it.
‘Aw, don’t be like that, Josh. You know what it’s like when you’re having a great night and lose all track of time.’
Josh wished he could remember. He relented and sat down on the end of the sofa. ‘As I said last night, Steph, I want you to have a good time, but shouldn’t you be taking it a little easier with the pregnancy and everything?’
‘Pregnancy isn’t an illness,’ she said, sitting up straighter. ‘I’m still young and my body is fit and well. I should be able to live my life normally.’
Josh idly wondered how she figured pregnancy wasn’t an illness when it came to her social life and yet it was a completely different story when it came to working. ‘You look terrible, though, Steph. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were hungover.’ He let the words hang there and waited for the onslaught.
She began to laugh and then, just as quickly, her expression turned serious. ‘Oh my God. You actually think I was drinking? Is that what all this is about? I can’t believe you think I’d go out and get drunk in my condition. I don’t have to be drunk to have a good time.’
He felt slightly guilty but not convinced. ‘But have you looked in the mirror today? Your eyes. Have you seen how bloodshot they are?’
‘Yes, I have. And I’m bloody exhausted. That’s why they’re bloodshot.’ She got up from the sofa, sending a cup smashing onto the wooden floor, and stormed out of the room.
Josh knew he needed to sort this or he’d be in the doghouse for days. ‘Steph, come back. I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I was waiting for you last n
ight and only got an hour or two of sleep before I had to get up again. Steph, please.’
She was already upstairs and he was left in no doubt about how she felt by the ferocity with which the bedroom door was slammed. He sighed and followed her up and into the room. He dearly wished he was better at dealing with these types of situations. At dealing with her. But she was like a bull in a china shop when she was in a strop and Josh would usually end up regretting he’d even opened his mouth.
‘I don’t want to talk to you,’ she said, shoving him away as he went to put his arms around her. ‘Honestly, Josh. Stay away from me, if that’s what you think of me.’
‘Steph! Don’t be like this. I don’t think anything of you, except that you’re my girlfriend, you’re carrying our baby and I just want to keep you both safe.’
‘And I don’t?’ She got into bed with her clothes on and turned on her side, pulling the duvet over her head.
He sat on the edge of the bed and tried to pull the duvet back, but she was clinging tightly to it. ‘Come on, love. You know me. I just say stupid things sometimes.’
She wasn’t budging and had fallen silent. He knew the best thing to do was to leave her to simmer for a while, so he reluctantly stood up and headed back downstairs. What a palaver. He hadn’t even taken off his coat yet and, the way he felt, he could just head back out the door again. But he wasn’t going to do that. In a way, he didn’t blame her for being so defensive. Especially if he’d been completely wrong in his accusation. But he still had his doubts. To quote his old friend Shakespeare, ‘The lady doth protest too much’.
Chapter 9
September 1997
Holly sang to herself as she wrapped the present. It wasn’t expensive – just a cheap watch from the jeweller’s in the village. She wished she’d had more than twenty pounds to spend but even at that she’d been saving for weeks. Still, she was making it look nice with the gold wrapping paper and the red ribbon. And she was sure he’d appreciate it. He was like that. Appreciative of everything. Kind, loving and adorable. Today was their two-year anniversary. They’d been going steady for two whole years and she was the happiest girl in the world. Most of their friends had sniggered when they’d announced their togetherness at just thirteen. She wasn’t stupid – she’d heard all the comments behind her back: ‘That will never last.’ ‘It’s just puppy love.’ ‘I’ll give it two months, max.’ But they’d proven the doubters wrong. They had lasted and would continue lasting. Holly knew that they’d be together for the rest of their lives.
‘So go on then, tell me.’
‘What?’ Holly looked at Milly questioningly. ‘Tell you what?’
‘Why you’re looking so gloomy. You should be singing “I’m getting married in the morning” and beaming from ear to ear.’
Holly laughed at that. ‘Firstly, you’ve heard me sing – mostly when I’m drunk. So you know that it’s not something I should inflict on our poor customers. And secondly …’
‘Yes?’ Milly was waiting for her to finish but Holly didn’t know if she wanted to say too much.
‘It’s just, you know, stuff.’
‘Oh, well, that tells me everything. Not! Come on, Holly. I know there’s something wrong. Talk to me.’
Just then Mrs Jackson arrived in with her stuck-up shih-tzu, Kylie. Kylie was wearing a pink tutu and had an oversized bow on the top of her head. Her face, as usual, was grumpy and, although it was the natural appearance of the breed, Holly was sure Kylie was extra miserable because she was forced to wear such ridiculous attire.
‘What can I do for you, Mrs Jackson?’ Holly said, as the woman approached the desk. ‘You don’t have an appointment for Kylie, do you?’
‘No, no, I didn’t have time to ring. She’s not well and I don’t know what’s wrong with her.’
‘Okay,’ said Milly, taking over immediately. ‘I’ll take a look at her. What are her symptoms?’
‘She’s been a bit listless these last few days but this morning she wouldn’t even eat her tuna.’
‘Oh, well, we can’t have that, can we, Kylie?’ Milly rubbed the little dog’s head, causing her to growl viciously.
‘See,’ said Mrs Jackson, looking as though she was about to cry. ‘She can’t even bear somebody touching her.’
Holly didn’t like to point out that Kylie was a vicious bully who would bite the hand off anyone who dared invade her space. Instead, she smiled sweetly and marked her down in the book before Milly led them both into the treatment room.
Milly had arrived at the veterinary surgery as a trainee vet a few years before, and she and Holly had clicked straight away. Only five foot three, with fiery red hair and the brightest blue eyes Holly had ever seen, Milly had immediately brought spirit to the old veterinary practice. Fintan, the owner and head vet, was lovely but he was getting on in years and he didn’t exactly fill the place with energy. The customers loved him. He was brilliant at what he did and was kind and generous with his time, but his soft voice and slow manner sometimes made Holly want to go to sleep. Milly, on the other hand, was like a little pocket rocket. She’d fly about the place, getting through customer after customer, either whistling or singing and generally lightening the mood.
The practice was very quiet while Milly was seeing Mrs Jackson and Kylie and, except for a cat with an itch and a post-op Labrador, the appointment book was empty for the rest of the day. Business had been very slow generally these last few weeks and it made the day drag on. Holly had already done a stocktake and sent in an order for supplies, but, never one to be idle, she then began to rearrange the items for sale in the reception area. Holly adored her job and her only regret was that she hadn’t gone to college when she left school. If she’d worked harder and got decent points, she would have studied to be a veterinary nurse. Her life had taken a different path and she’d ended up with no real qualifications. But she’d always known she wanted to work with animals so fronting reception at the clinic was the next best thing.
Just then the door opened to her right and a low growl told her that Kylie wasn’t happy. Holly adored dogs, all shapes and sizes, but Kylie just wasn’t one she could warm to. It wasn’t the dog’s fault that she was the way she was.
‘So, all sorted then?’ Holly looked at Mrs Jackson and was shocked to see she was crying. ‘Mrs Jackson? Are you okay?’
‘She’s pregnant,’ said Milly, following the woman out of the room.
‘Mrs Jackson is pregnant?’ Holly gasped, looking at the old lady in horror. She must have been almost seventy.
‘Kylie! Kylie is pregnant.’ Milly tried to stifle a giggle and all of a sudden Holly couldn’t stop the tears of laughter from pouring down her face.
Thankfully Mrs Jackson mistook them for tears of sadness and nodded vigorously. ‘Terrible, isn’t it? I can’t believe it. It’s that horrible mongrel from down the road. I know it is. They let him out to wander the streets on his own and I’ve caught him a few times in my back yard. My poor little Kylie. He’s about five times her size. I hope he didn’t hurt her.’
Holly had to excuse herself and go out the back for a moment for fear a guffaw would escape her lips. She leaned against a supply shelf and gulped in some deep breaths. She shouldn’t have laughed really but there was just something funny about the whole thing. Once Kylie was healthy, that was all that mattered. And at the end of the day, she’d have some gorgeous new puppies. Motherhood might even make her a nicer dog. Holly began to laugh again at the very idea.
When she went back out to reception, Milly was talking to Mrs Jackson. ‘I reckon she still has a few weeks to go so come straight back to us if there are any problems. But I think she’ll be fine.’
‘How can she be?’ sniffed the distraught woman. ‘She’s been defiled by a monster.’
Holly let a guffaw escape from her mouth but covered it well by launching into a fit of coughing.
‘And furthermore,’ continued Mrs Jackson, ‘I don’t think she’ll be able for delivering pups.
She’s very delicate, you know.’
‘Listen, don’t worry about anything for now,’ said Milly, gently leading her to the door. ‘Dogs are resilient and she might surprise you. Give me a ring tomorrow and let me know how she’s getting on.’
Finally Milly closed the door and leaned her back against it with relief. She and Holly looked at each other and burst out laughing. It was exactly what Holly needed. Something to distract her. Something to take her mind off other things. And it felt like a long time since she’d properly laughed.
‘Fancy a drink after work?’ said Milly, checking the diary for appointments. ‘Just a quick one, though, because Greg and I are heading into town later.
‘Actually, I’d love a drink. And maybe I’ll finish what I started to tell you earlier. I could do with a bit of your honesty to set me straight.’
Milly arrived back at the table with two pints of cider and Holly knew she meant business. They usually had a glass of red wine when they’d drop in to O’Malley’s for a quick one – the cider would only appear when they had something serious to discuss.
‘So,’ Milly said, taking a large slug of her drink. ‘You’ve never made a secret of the fact you’d like to get married, your lovely boyfriend has just proposed and you’re walking around with a face like a slapped arse. What am I missing?’
Holly wasn’t even sure she could answer that honestly. All the ingredients were there. Everything in her life was good and, on paper, she should be dancing around with joy, but she wasn’t. And she wasn’t entirely sure why. She took a sip of the cold cider before answering.
‘I am happy, Milly. I really am.’
‘Well, I’m certainly not buying that!’
Holly tried again. ‘What I mean is that I’m happy generally. Life is good. But I just feel like something is missing. ’
Milly looked at her intently. ‘Is this to do with David, or something else?’
Holly thought for a moment. ‘It’s just the whole wedding thing. I know it’s what I’ve always wanted but it doesn’t feel … it doesn’t feel …’