by Maria Duffy
Josh opened his eyes as a stream of sunlight peeped through the gap in the curtains. He could tell without looking that it was frosty outside because, despite the sun, it was freezing cold. He turned around, expecting to see Stephanie curled up and fast asleep as she usually was, but there was no sign of her. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d been up before him in the morning. Picking up his phone from the locker, he saw it was only half past ten. Stephanie would never be up at this time, especially on a Sunday morning, so he wondered what was up.
He felt exhausted but curiosity got the better of him so he swung his legs out of the bed and pulled himself up. Throwing on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a warm hoodie, he crept downstairs. Halfway down, the smell of cooking hit his nostrils and his stomach danced for joy. It smelled like one of his mother’s breakfasts. There was definitely bacon and maybe even sausages. Although, unless Stephanie had been replaced with a meat-eating version of herself, he doubted very much if he could believe his nose.
When he walked into the kitchen, he could barely believe his eyes. Stephanie was rushing around with pots and pans, and it looked as though she was feeding the masses. Her hair was pinned up on top of her head and her sleeves were rolled up. She didn’t even notice him standing there and he smiled at the look of determination on her face.
‘What’s going on here, then?’ he said, making her jump.
‘Josh! I thought you were still asleep. I was going to call you in ten minutes when this was all ready.’
He walked over beside her to see what she was cooking. ‘It looks and smells delicious. But what’s it all in aid of?’
She wiped her hands on a tea-towel and turned to face him. ‘Us. It’s in aid of us. Now just give me ten more minutes and I’ll give you a shout when I’ve finished.’
‘Are you sure I can’t help?’ He looked at the chaos of the many different things she was juggling, between the cooker top, the grill and the oven, and he wondered if she’d ever manage to get it all together.
‘I’m fine, thanks.’ She ushered him out of the kitchen. ‘Just go and read the paper or something.’
‘Maybe I’ll slip down to the shop and get the papers, so.’
‘You don’t have to.’ She pointed at a stack of newspapers on the hall table. ‘I picked them up this morning when I went to the shops for the breakfast stuff. I wasn’t sure which ones you’d want so I got a load of them.’
He couldn’t believe it. Stephanie had never once made breakfast for them, nor had she ever bought him a newspaper. She was either very sorry for her behaviour of late and was trying to make up for it or she was feeling guilty about something. He’d prefer to think it was the former, but his gut was telling him it was the latter.
However, he brought the papers gladly into the sitting room, plonked himself down on the sofa and took the first one from the pile. He tried to focus on the main story but it was no good. Thoughts of Holly were whirring around and around in his head and he just couldn’t concentrate.
‘Come on, Josh. Breakfast is ready!’
He sighed and headed back into the kitchen where the table was set with a myriad of dishes. There were sausages, proper pork ones – not those cardboard veggie ones that Stephanie kept trying to push on him. There were thick slices of bacon, black and white pudding, eggs, mushrooms and tomatoes. There was toast and brown bread. Josh shook his head in disbelief as he sat down.
‘I can’t believe you made all this, Steph. It looks delicious.’
‘Well, tuck in. I know how you love your meat.’
He looked at her suspiciously. ‘But what’s brought this on? You never cook meat.’
She spooned some mushrooms onto her plate and buttered a slice of toast. ‘Josh, I just want things to be right between us. I’ve been a fool. A total idiot. When you were gone yesterday, I had time to think. I realised how selfish I’d been, how inconsiderate, and it stops right here, right now.’
‘I don’t know what to say, Steph. I mean, a lot has happened these last few weeks. And of course I want us to get back on track again, but you need to be honest with me. And I mean completely honest.’
She nodded. ‘I promise, Josh. What we have is too good to throw away over silly stuff.’
‘Steph, some of our arguments lately haven’t been just silly or trivial. I’d say they were quite serious.’
‘I didn’t mean that. I just meant that it would be silly to throw everything we have away.’
He reached over then and took her hand. ‘I’ve no intention of throwing it away, Steph. I love you and I love our baby. I want us to be happy, but at the moment, there are trust issues and it can’t go on like that.’
She held on to his hand as though her life depended on it. ‘Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’m telling you here and now, I’ll do whatever I need to do to get you to trust me again.’
‘Okay. I don’t want to keep going on about it, but the smoking dope thing: I want us to go to the doctor and tell her about it. I want to know if it could affect the baby. So you need to be honest about how much you’ve smoked and how often.’
‘Fine. We can go to the doctor and I’ll talk to her about it. But I’ve told you already that it was just a few times. And that’s the truth.’
Josh nodded. ‘And the scan?’
‘What about the scan?’
‘Is there anything you’re not telling me? Because it just seems strange that the hospital would hand out a scan with the wrong dates.’
‘That’s exactly what happened, Josh. And I have an idea. Why don’t I make an appointment for another scan? Whenever they can fit us in. And this time we can both go in. Would that put your mind at ease?’
‘Well, yes, I suppose it would.’
‘Great. I’ll ring first thing in the morning. Now, tuck in to your breakfast. I don’t want it wasted after all my effort.’
Josh felt a wave of affection for his beautiful girlfriend. She was young and made mistakes. It wasn’t as though he didn’t make any himself. He’d probably been a bit hard on her and she was trying her best to get things back to normal. They’d had a few rocky weeks but maybe that’s what would make them stronger. He suddenly felt ravenous and tucked into his plate of food with gusto. Now he just needed to figure out whether or not he should still go ahead with meeting Holly tomorrow.
Josh felt relaxed and happy as he sat on the end of the sofa, Stephanie on the other end, her feet on his lap. He was giving her a foot massage as they watched a movie, and he was finding it almost as relaxing as she was. They used to often have lazy Sunday afternoons like that, but not recently. It felt good to be getting back to normal, getting back to the happy, contented couple they used to be.
The loud shrill of Stephanie’s phone startled them both and Josh reached down to the floor, where she’d left it, to hand it to her. But, like a light, she bent down herself and grabbed it, standing up as she answered the call.
‘Hello. Yes. I know. Hold on a sec.’ She mouthed to Josh that it was her friend Coco, so she headed into the kitchen to take the call.
Josh paused the movie but, if he knew Stephanie, it would be at least an hour before they’d get back to it. He was amazed to hear his stomach rumble, considering the amount of food he’d eaten earlier, but he fancied something sweet so decided he’d make a cup of tea and root around for a biscuit while he was waiting for Stephanie to get off the phone. He stood up and headed towards the kitchen.
Stephanie was talking in a whisper but he could tell she was agitated so he paused at the kitchen door. He couldn’t hear what she was saying but he wondered why she was talking in such hushed tones. He pushed the door slightly so that he could listen.
‘You need to stop calling.’ Her voice was firm. ‘I’m serious. It’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on him. Just stop it!’
‘Steph?’ he said, stepping into the kitchen. ‘Is everything okay?’
She looked up at him and covered the mouthpiece. ‘It’s fine. I was just f
inishing up actually.’
He watched as she spoke again into the phone, all traces of her agitated voice gone. ‘I’d better go. Something’s come up. I’ll talk to you soon.’
‘Why does she need to stop calling?’ said Josh, still looking at her.
‘Who?’ She looked anxious. Pale.
‘Coco. I heard you tell her that she needed to stop calling. Why?’
Stephanie sat down on a kitchen chair and put her head in her hands. He had a feeling she was going to tell him something he wouldn’t like. Something bad. He held his breath until she finally looked at him.
‘Well?’ he said again. ‘What’s going on?’
‘They … she wanted me to go out again tonight. To a party. She’s been asking me for the last few days and I’ve been telling her I can’t.’
‘Is that all?’ Josh felt relief flood through him.
‘Yes. Well, you can guess what these parties are like. There’ll be plenty of alcohol and smoke and I knew you wouldn’t want me to be around all that.’
‘Steph, I don’t mind you going out enjoying yourself. I just don’t want you partying too hard.’
‘I know. And that’s why I’ve been saying no to Coco. I’m not sure that crowd are good for me. They party way too hard and it’s difficult to resist temptation when I’m with them.’
‘Well, I don’t want you giving up your friends on my account, but if I’m honest, I’m glad you’re not going to the party.’
‘Good,’ she said, standing up. ‘Now, let’s go and watch the end of that movie.’
They went back into the sitting room and resumed their previous positions. But Josh couldn’t concentrate on the movie. He was thinking about Holly. He was going to meet her as planned the next day but he now knew what he had to do. Stephanie was making great efforts to get their relationship back on track so he needed to do the same. He needed to stop dreaming of what could have been. But first he had to exorcise the demons of his past.
Chapter 31
20 August 2002
Something wasn’t right. Josh had cancelled their date for the second day running and it just wasn’t like him. Holly sat on her bed looking out the window, fear coursing through her. He’d rung her yesterday to say he wouldn’t make it to the cinema and this evening it was just a text to say he couldn’t see her. She’d tried ringing him back but it had just gone straight to voicemail. His parents had moved to Dublin a few weeks earlier but he’d stayed in Kildare, sleeping in the spare room of his friend’s mother’s house. Holly knew the set-up wasn’t ideal and he hated feeling like a guest but he’d insisted he was happy once he was close to her. But in all the time she’d known him, he’d never been cold towards her. If he ever had to cancel something, he’d do it apologetically, promising to make it up to her another time. Holly was blessed with a sixth sense. Her mother always said it. She just knew when things were going to happen. And something was telling her that her life was going to change dramatically. But not in a good way.
The sound of the doorbell made her jump. Her mam and dad had gone out so she dashed down the stairs, praying it would be Josh. And it was. But when she saw the look on his face, she crumbled.
‘Josh, what is it? What’s wrong?’
‘Can we go in and sit down?’ he said, his hair dishevelled, his eyes red and sad. ‘We need to talk.’
Holly sang to herself as she stepped out of the shower. She was going to meet Milly for lunch and she was really looking forward to hearing all the gossip from the surgery. She missed working there. She missed the staff and the customers, and especially the animals that she’d grown to love. But she was excited about her possible new venture and couldn’t wait to tell Milly all about it.
She dried herself quickly and pulled on a pair of blue jeans. She was pleasantly surprised that they slipped easily up her legs when, just a few weeks before, she’d struggled to put them on. She teamed them with a long-sleeved grey T-shirt and took the bobbin out of her hair to let it fall down over her shoulders. She didn’t bother with make-up, except for a smack of pink lip gloss, then she headed downstairs to where she’d left her boots.
She just needed to let Simon out before heading off so she locked up and went down to number forty-four. He was sleeping on his bed when she let herself in. As good as gold and not a sign of a mess. He must have been protesting about being taken out of his house when he ran riot in hers on Saturday, because at home he was practically an angel. His tail wagged furiously when he saw her and he ran to give her a good lick. It reminded her of how loyal animals were. How caring and loving. And it made her sad to think that David would never let her have a dog of her own. She let Simon out the back, where he obligingly tended to his business, before giving him a treat and sending him back to bed.
She was meeting Milly in O’Malley’s and was looking forward to a nice carvery lunch. The food there was gorgeous since they’d changed chefs earlier in the year and it was always busy at lunchtime. As she walked out of the estate and down the main road, she thought about what the day might bring. She’d be making two visits to O’Malley’s today because she was due to meet Josh there later also.
Milly was already in the queue for food when Holly walked in so she went over to join her.
‘Great timing,’ she said, hugging Holly and pointing to the line behind them. ‘If you were any later, I’d have had to get my own and you’d be queueing for ages.’
‘It’s good to see you, Milly. I’m dying to hear all the gossip.’
‘Well, from what you’ve been telling me, I think you’re the one with all the gossip. Now let’s get this food and get back to a table so you can tell me all.’
Ten minutes later, they were sitting on barstools at a high table at the back of the pub, tucking into lasagne and chips and laughing at Milly’s stories.
‘Oh God, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed this,’ said Holly, wiping tears from her eyes. Milly had just told her about how Mrs Duggan’s cat, Fifi, had scared the life out of Gerry O’Brien’s Great Dane. Fifi was barely the size of the dog’s head and yet she’d hissed and spat so much that the poor dog had cowered behind his owner’s chair for twenty minutes.
‘Right,’ said Milly, shoving her plate away and gulping down some water. ‘I have forty minutes left before I have to be back to work, so I want to hear everything!’
Holly sighed. ‘Where do I even begin? There’s so much to tell you.’
‘Well, first tell me about this business idea. Then you can get onto the juicy stuff!’
Holly laughed at that before telling her about Mr Fogarty and what he’d done for her. She told her about his idea that she could start small by walking dogs and dog-sitting while owners were out. And then maybe she could expand the business to something bigger, like grooming or even opening a kennels. Milly was delighted.
‘You were born to work with animals,’ she said. ‘And since your business would be local, we could refer people from the surgery to you. Honestly, Holly, I think it’s a great idea. What did David have to say about it all?’
‘He thinks it’s a great idea too.’ That wasn’t strictly true. He’d said it was a nice idea. For a hobby! She’d argued that it could be a great money-earner and she could turn it into a big business but he’d waved a dismissive hand. ‘Too much work for too little money,’ he’d said. ‘It just wouldn’t make financial sense.’ What he really meant was it wasn’t a safe, pensionable job so it wasn’t worth looking into. She hadn’t spoken to him any more about it but she certainly wasn’t giving up. She’d sacrificed too many of her dreams already.
‘So come on then,’ said Milly, breaking into her thoughts. ‘Tell me about the gorgeous Josh.’
‘Milly!’
‘Well, he is, isn’t he? That’s what you said.’
‘I’m meeting him later.’
‘Ooh, now this is the gossip I’ve been waiting for. Where? How? What for?’
‘Don’t get too excited, Milly. We’re just going to talk.
I met him the other day and he said he wanted to speak to me. About the past and what happened. About us.’
Milly nodded sagely. ‘He wants to get back with you, Holly. I bet he does.’
‘No, he doesn’t,’ said Holly, shaking her head. ‘He has Stephanie so he’s not going to abandon her for me.’
‘And if he did want to?’
‘But he doesn’t.’
Milly persisted. ‘But let’s say he did. Let’s say he’s going to declare his love for you tonight. Let’s say he’s realised he doesn’t want to be with Stephanie and he wants to be with you.’
Holly sighed. ‘I’d certainly give it some thought.’
‘Would you really? And what about David?’
‘David is fabulous. And I love him. I really do.’
‘But?’
‘But ever since Josh came back into my life, I’m comparing the two of them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to replace the love I had for Josh. It was special. Really special.’
‘You still never told me what happened in the end between you two,’ said Milly, sitting forward and leaning her elbows on the table. ‘I mean, I know you said he broke your heart, but was it sudden? Unexpected?’
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Tell me. Please. I really want to know. I want to understand this bond you seem to have with him. It’s been such a long time, but you’re obviously still in love with him.’
Holly nodded. ‘I suppose I am. Well, you know that we were friends since preschool. We lived around the corner from each other and we just clicked from day one. We were so close that nobody else really got a look in. We had other friends, of course, but we just loved each other’s company so most of the time it was just the two of us. We had our first kiss when we were thirteen. And it grew from there. That’s when we stopped being just friends who loved each other – we became two people in love.’
‘That’s so sweet,’ said Milly, tears in her eyes. ‘Such young love.’
‘Anyway,’ continued Holly, ‘the years went by and we grew closer. We just took for granted we’d always be together. We’d even planned the wedding we’d have some day.’