“The wrong reasons?”
“Yeah. Things like money. Fancy cars. A house in the best neighborhood in town.”
So he’d gotten burned by a woman who had wanted what he could provide for her? Or had the trust issues started much earlier than that?
“Everyone’s got baggage, Shep. It’s what we do with it that matters.”
When he angled toward her, she wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. She was a bit surprised when he took hold of a lock of her hair and let it flutter through his fingers. “You’re a captivating woman, Raina. Do you know that?”
“No,” she said seriously. “Each day that passes I figure out more about myself.”
“What did you figure out today?” He let his hand drop and she was sorry when he did.
“I figured out that mucking out a stall is as good an exercise as I can get in a gym. And that little boys always have a next question, even when you think you’ve answered them all.”
He chuckled. “Isn’t that the truth?”
He looked as if he wanted to kiss her. To her amazement, she wanted him to do it. But why—so she could feel like a desirable woman once more? So she could really start living again? So she could wipe out some terrible memories and replace them with sparkling new ones?
Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter, because Shep took a step back. “We’d better get up to lunch before there isn’t any. Those boys have big appetites after doing chores.”
Shep had let her down easy. They’d gone back to friendly. His trust issues and her past could be hurdles that might prevent even a meaningful friendship from beginning.
What had gotten into him?
Shep gave his horse a nudge up a small hill, watching his sons in front of him as they did the same. Raina rode between Joey and Roy, talking to them as they bounced along.
Shep rarely discussed his background or his breakup with Belinda. Only with Cruz now and then. Granted,he hadn’t given Raina much, but he’d said more than enough. He wanted to forget Belinda’s gold-digging motivation for getting engaged to him. the indifference to children she’d kept well-hidden. He needed to forget that kid who’d gone through life without an adult to really care about him. He longed to forget landing in jail at the age of fourteen. He’d never tell Raina Greystone Gibson that story.
He’d been so rebellious back then. He’d hated his foster parents and their neglect. Not only of him, but of Cruz, too. Cruz had been younger, more vulnerable, not as experienced as Shep about the ins and outs of the system. Shep had felt he had to look out for him. But in protecting Cruz, he’d broken the law.
No matter their foster parents had left them alone for the weekend. No matter Cruz had taken ill and had a raging fever. No matter Shep hadn’t known what to do except hotwire that old truck and take Cruz to the closest E.R.
The chief of police had thrown him into that dirty jail cell and not cared a whit. If it hadn’t been for Matt Forester rescuing them, Shep wasn’t sure where he or Cruz would be today. Maybe in prison. Maybe on the streets.
Nope. He’d never tell Raina about that chunk of his life. She’d never understand the desperation that had driven him to rebel against authority figures for his sake as well as Cruz’s.
He’d sensed that same defiant spirit in Joey and suspected it had developed while he was in foster care.
The brothers had had loving, caring parents until they’d been killed. With no relatives to take care of them, they’d been thrust into the system. Then five, Joey had acted out, and his aggressive behavior had made placement even harder. They’d been through two foster couples before Shep had decided to take them.
He believed there were three secrets to turning kids around. Matt Forester had taught them to Shep and Cruz. You gave children safety. You gave them love. And you gave them a reason to trust you. If Shep could accomplish that, Joey, Roy and Manuel would be on their way to being confident and finding a future that fit them.
Breaking Shep’s consideration of his past and present, Joey turned around and called, “Can we show Dr. Gibson Red Creek?”
“Do you remember how to get there?”
“Yep. We go right at the bottom of this hill.”
“Lead the way.”
Joey grinned and pushed his fist up into the air, as if he’d just been given a gift. The gift of confidence, Shep hoped, as he urged his horse to catch up to Raina’s.
“They’re good riders for their age,” she remarked as the two boys trotted ahead.
“You’re pretty good yourself.”
“I must have inherited good riding genes from my ancestors who roamed the plains.”
He couldn’t tell if she was being serious or tongue-in-cheek. “You said your heritage meant a lot to your dad. Did it mean a lot to you?”
“That’s not an easy question.”
“Tell me,” he said, surprising himself. Usually when conversations with women got into sticky waters, he swam in the opposite direction. But he wanted to know more about Raina, wanted to uncover everything she kept hidden deep in her soul.
“Is it a long way to the creek?” she asked with a wry smile.
“Long enough that if you haven’t ridden for a while you’re going to be sore tomorrow.”
“I guess I’d better soak in a hot tub tonight.”
“It wouldn’t hurt.” He suddenly had visions of her sinking into a tub full of bubbles. But before she slid into those bubbles—
He had to quit imagining her in something less than a blouse and jeans.
When she canvassed his face, he wondered what she saw. He could hide quite a bit with his Stetson. Every cowboy knew how. But they were riding in the sun, and the shadows from his brim didn’t hide everything. Could she see his interest in her was physically motivated? Since Belinda’s rejection of a future he held dear, all he’d looked for from a woman was physical satisfaction.
He and Raina were so blasted different. The ways were too numerous to count. So why was he here? And why was she here?
Curiosity, pure and simple.
She was still studying him when he said, “You changed the subject.”
“You helped it along.”
“I did. And if you really don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay.”
She was silent as they rode through pockets of wild sage, scrub brush and tall grass. As her horse rocked her, she turned the kerchief around her neck, the frayed edges brushing her skin. “This was my dad’s. He wore it whenever he went riding. He liked to tease that it would come in handy if a dust storm came up. His stories about his father serving in World War II, as well as his own experiences in Vietnam, were written down in a diary he kept. My mother gave it to me on my twelfth birthday.”
“Why your twelfth?”
“I was having trouble fitting in at school. I didn’t know how to handle being Cheyenne, and at times growing up, it made me feel like an outsider. Ryder faced the same problem, but a guy can be a loner and that can be attractive by itself. He knew who he was when he hit his teens. He also knew he wanted to be a cop. I just felt…different from everyone else.”
“When did you stop feeling different?”
“I never did. But I learned to like being different. Remembering the myths and fables my father told me helped me see how life fit together, how the past becomes the present, how being Cheyenne is something to be proud of. But it wasn’t always so, and I feel guilty about that.”
“You were a kid.”
“Yeah. A kid who should have listened more. Who should have known better. If I had listened to the stories my father told, instead of trying to deny my heritage, my life might have made sense sooner.”
“I think you’ve done one heck of a job with your life.”
Raina shook her hand. “Shep, you don’t know me.”
He reached over, clasped her arm and they both stopped their horses. “Med school isn’t a walk in the park. I know you’re a fine doctor who cares about her patients. I can see you love kids a
nd should have a bunch of your own.”
“Oh, Shep.”
He wasn’t sure, but he thought her eyes were a little shiny. His hand slid from her arm down to her hand. “What’s wrong?”
Then he swore. “That was really a stupid thing to say. And a stupid thing to ask. You’re wishing you did have a bunch of kids with your husband. You want the life back that was so brutally taken away from you.”
She took a deep breath. “It’s been nine years. The first five, that was probably true. The next couple, I tried not to keep looking back, because that only brought anger and sadness and regret. Returning to Sagebrush made a difference for me, and I probably should have done it sooner.”
“Getting away from New York?”
“Yes. Stepping away from the memories and starting over.”
Shep watched Raina’s dark hair blowing in the wind, saw the determination in her eyes to forge a new future. But determination wasn’t always enough to push regrets aside.
After a long look at each other, they headed toward the sound of the boys’ laughter.
Fifteen minutes later, at the bank of the creek, Shep dismounted and so did Raina, without any help from him. She was definitely an independent woman, one who charted her own course.
He went to help Roy dismount and saw Raina go to Joey. She hadn’t asked if she should help. She just saw the need and handled it. But he noticed she waited to see what Joey could do for himself, obviously not wanting to step on the little boy’s pride.
She’d make a wonderful mother.
Now, where in the heck had that thought come from?
He and his little band were just fine on their own, although he had to admit, their caseworker seemed to doubt his ability to handle a toddler. But he’d shown her so far that he could, and he had Eva to help with practical matters. He didn’t need anyone else.
But as he moved to stand beside Raina, watched the boys walk a little farther down to listen to the bubbling creek, he had to admit he was damn attracted to her. A night in his bed—
He cut off the thought. She wasn’t that kind of woman. After the obviously loving marriage she’d had, she’d only look for another committed relationship. If she looked at all.
And to be honest, he couldn’t commit to a woman because he didn’t trust them.
Cruz had tried to analyze him. More than once his friend had suggested that his trust issues stemmed from his mother abandoning him at a mall when he was six…from his foster mothers not really caring…from Belinda wanting what Shep could give her materially rather than emotionally. Shep didn’t know about all that. He just knew it was hard for him to open up to anyone—to trust anyone.
Yet, standing beside Raina, inhaling the lemony fragrance of her that carried to him on the breeze, appreciating the lines of her profile and the soft fullness of her lips, his groin tightened and all he thought about was kissing her.
Her gaze met his and he knew she’d caught him. She didn’t play coy games, but said simply, “You were staring. Do I have hay in my hair? A smudge of dirt on my nose?” Her question was light, but he sensed the underlying tension.
“You look like you belong out here, with the horses and the wind, breaking trails and maybe riding shotgun.”
She laughed. And he smiled. And then they were leaning a little closer to each other.
“Hey, Dad. Come see the rock I found,” Roy called to him.
Saved by the voice of a child, Shep thought as he leaned away from Raina, tapped his Stetson more securely on his head and went to see the treasure his son would be carrying home.
His life was his boys. And he couldn’t—wouldn’t—forget that.
Chapter Four
“It seems longer than a few weeks since we really talked to her,” Raina said on Sunday evening. She stood at Lily Wescott’s front door with Gina Rigoletti and her sister, Angie.
They were all worried about Lily. A few months ago, she’d been so happy in her marriage, fulfilled in her work helping women conceive. Then a little over a month ago, she’d become a widow. Shortly after her husband, Troy, had been deployed to Afghanistan, he was killed in action. A shock to them, and Lily had been devastated. She and Troy were only married for a year.
“I know,” Gina agreed, pushing her black curls behind her ear. “Phone calls just aren’t the same. But she needed to be with Troy’s family in Oklahoma.”
Angie pushed a lock of dark wavy hair out of her eyes. “I wasn’t sure I should come. After all, I don’t know her as well as you two do.”
“Lily can use all the friends she can get right now,” Raina assured her new housemate. “We’ll just have to take our cues from her. But she needs us right now. I’ve been through this. I know that when the casseroles and the cards and the phone calls stop, sometimes you lose your compass. You don’t even know if breakfast comes before lunch.”
Gina put her hand on Raina’s shoulder. “You’ve never really talked about how it was for you.”
“Did your family stay with you in New York?” Angie asked.
“Mom did. Ryder had to get back here to work, and I understood that. Actually, it was a relief when Mom left and friends stopped coming by at all hours of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated all of it. I don’t know what I would have done without the support. But I also needed time alone, just to sit and realize that Clark was never coming back. I imagine that’s what Lily’s doing now,” Raina said, sighing. “Our situations aren’t so very different.”
“Maybe she can talk to you about it,” Angie ventured.
“Maybe. We’ll see.”
When Gina rang the bell, they all seemed to hold their breath.
A few seconds later Lily opened the door. Her blond hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail and she had purple smudges under her eyes. She gave each of them a hard and long hug, then wiped a few tears from her eyes. “I thought all the tears were gone. I don’t know how any can be left.”
The front of Lily’s apartment was a huge, open space. The kitchen flowed into the dining room, which flowed into the living room, with no barriers except some furniture in between.
Lily went to the kitchen, the rest of them following, then stood there as if she’d lost her purpose. “I’m a mess,” she admitted. “After I arrived in Oklahoma, Troy’s family didn’t leave me alone for a minute, and I appreciated their support. But then last night, when I got in, after I called you, I just…I just couldn’t figure out what to do next.” Her gaze went to Raina’s. “When will I feel like I’m back in my body again? That the world’s real and I’ll understand Troy isn’t going to walk through that door?”
Her eyes filled up and Raina went to her and put her arm around her. “Everyone’s different. But little by little you’ll find a new normal.”
“I can’t even imagine normal! I go into the garage where Troy had his workshop and see the furniture he’ll never finish. I put my hand on my tummy and it seems impossible that he’s gone and I’m going to have our baby. A month ago—” She stopped abruptly. “I’m sorry. I’m a put-one-foot-in-front-of-another sort of person. Now I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who I am.”
Raina took Lily by the arm and pulled her into the living room. They all sat on the long sectional sofa.
Angie said, “I’ve never gone through anything like this, Lily, but when I have a crisis, work helps. When are you going back?”
“I don’t know. I called Mitch last night, too. He understands since he served in Iraq. He said to come in whenever I’m ready. How will I know when I’m ready?” She sighed, then took a deep breath. “I have to start thinking about the baby. I have to figure out my options.”
Soon after Troy had been deployed, Lily had happily e-mailed him that she was pregnant. Maybe now her baby could help her through her loss, Raina thought.
“Options for what?” Gina asked.
“I don’t think I can stay in this apartment. It’s so painful being here. We were going to buy a house as soon as Troy cam
e home.”
Raina and Angie’s gazes connected at the same time. Angie gave a small nod.
“You shouldn’t make impulsive decisions right now,” Raina advised her. “You should weigh the pros and cons of each one. But if you decide you do want to move, you’re welcome to move into the Victorian with me and Angie.”
“You’re serious?” Lily asked, surprised.
Both women said at the same time, “Yes, we are.”
“There’s only one problem. If I move in with you, then I’ll have to move again when I have the baby in late March.”
“Why?” Raina asked. “Won’t you need babysitters?”
Lily looked from Angie to Raina, then over at Gina. “Are they kidding?”
“I don’t think they are,” Gina assured her with a smile.
“I’m a pediatric nurse,” Angie reminded her. “I like babies. Just think of all the expert advice I can give you.”
Lily actually gave her a small smile.
“We would love to have you, Lily,” Raina reiterated. “And I’m a sucker for babies, too. Yesterday, Shep McGraw’s baby stole my heart. When Manuel put his little arms around my neck—”
She stopped. No one had heard about her visit to Shep’s. She’d kept it to herself.
Lily murmured, “Troy knew Shep. He bought supplies from him.”
Raina had forgotten that, as a general contractor, Troy might have dealt with Shep.
“You were at Shep McGraw’s?” Gina asked. “How did that happen?”
Lily piggybacked on that. “What did you do while you were there?”
Angie asked, “Didn’t you do a procedure on his son Manuel recently?”
Raina held up her hand. “Whoa, now, everybody. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“But you did,” Gina reminded her, “which probably means you want to talk about it.”
“No, I don’t. I just mentioned it because—”
“Because Manuel stole your heart,” Angie filled in.
“I never should have brought it up,” Raina murmured again.
Lily shook her head. “Don’t be silly. I’m all for anything that helps me think about something else for a while.”
Cinderella and the Playboy / The Texan's Happily-Ever-After Page 18