by N. K. Peske
I am just being a man, so get off my case.
WOMEN
Nowadays, we’re more into staying in our rooms and reading Nietzsche.
Robert Plant
Sex has become very complicated, even for rock stars. I myself decided to stay away from professional women because I was sick and tired of feeling like a slave to success. I wanted to avoid that trap. Lately I’ve found that any woman can become a trap, whether she’s a homemaker, aerobics instructor, toll collector, cocktail waitress, vice president of Finance or Purchasing, or my mother. They’re all the same.
I need to recognize that all of them, regardless of what they do, are ultimately part of the “materialistic” world. Even when they start out on the bottom of the professional ladder, like as a purchasing clerk, next thing I know, she’s getting promoted and demanding that I do the same.
And does she care if I was working for a fascist who didn’t care if it took all night as long as I met my barrel quota? Does she care if I worked for an abusive tyrant who didn’t care if I was sick or tired and who didn’t think twice about insisting that I work overtime and miss the heavyweight championship fight on Pay-Per-View, even though I already paid for it? What was I supposed to do? I had to quit. My honor was at stake. But did she understand? No. And what’s worse, my mother is on her side. She’s always on her side.
This isn’t a third world country, this is America, and oppression costs more than $4.35 an hour.
LAUGHTER
To laugh means to love mischief.
Friedrich Nietzsche
One of my better moments was when I was invited to give that presentation to the board of directors at my old company. I was a little anxious, so right before going on stage I went to the executive lounge to expel all of my anxieties. I came out feeling pretty cocky. And when I hit that stage, I made a real impression. Everybody’s attention was on me. You could have heard a pin drop. That was the clearest and most articulate presentation I ever gave, and I could see in their eyes, as I gave my forecasts, that they were with me every step of the way. I had them in the palm of my hand.
Of course, halfway through my speech I realized that they weren’t in my palm, but in my lap. I had forgotten to zip up my fly, and as it was a Tuesday, I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I got a little uncomfortable for a minute, began to lose my cool, but then I remembered that at moments like these, laughter is a healing balm. So I cracked a joke. You know, that one about the pearl diver and the eel? Sure made a rousing closer for my speech.
When they see how funny we are, they see how precious we are.
COMPROMISE/CONVICTIONS
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.
McDonald’s slogan
The Big Mac. What a glorious monument to men and meat. I have a friend who prefers The Whopper. We don’t see each other much anymore.
Some things a man just can’t compromise on. I learned that from Bob. Bob was my pet chameleon, and he was a reptile who knew how to compromise. Whatever he was sitting on, he’d turn that same color. For instance, if he was sitting on a gray rock, he’d turn gray. Bob was flexible, but he had his limits. One time, I bought a fluorescent green bridge. You know, one of those glow-in-the-dark numbers you put in your fish tank, although when you think of it, why would a fish need a bridge, anyway? Anyway, I put Bob on the bridge, but no matter how many ants I fed him, he wouldn’t turn chartreuse.
I learned a lot from Bob. He was a chameleon of character who stuck courageously to his own spectrum, and would only eat live ants and McDonald’s beef. Bob has since died. Karl, my Gila monster, ate him, along with about two tablespoons of Burger King hamburger that Bob had refused just two hours before.
I learned three important lessons from Bob that will live with me forever. Never eat dead ants, never turn chartreuse, and never, ever, hang out with Gila monsters who prefer Burger King.
Just for today, give me the willingness to do nothing at all.
If opportunity knocks, don’t answer the door. Let her get it.
Today, I will not clutter my mind with thoughts.
I believe in a better tomorrow. I just prefer not to think that far ahead.
READING THIS BOOK COULD BE ALL
THE WORK YOU’LL EVER HAVE TO DO.
It’s a tough world out there. And as modern men, we make choices every day that have far-reaching effects on our health, happiness, and how often we score with the babes—or, indeed, if we ever do.
Do we courageously negotiate the potholes on the running track of life? Or do we take stock of our situation and realize that victory is hollow, and that what we really want to do is sit down, crack a frosty, turn on the tube, and watch some other loser run the race?
Here, then, is a man’s treasury of quotations, ruminations, and belly-scratching fits of mumbling to inspire us to fight the good fight: to eliminate all activity and decision-making from our lives and gain absolute serenity, not to mention the contented state of stupefaction you’ll achieve when you flip through…
MEDITATIONS FOR MEN WHO DO NEXT TO NOTHING
(AND WOULD LIKE TO DO EVEN LESS)