Oasis of Crazy Fish

by Sasha Silver

ME: congratulations you are the winner for being the 100th knob this week to offer me this unoriginal proposition. If I was to accept an offer like this I would pick a gorgeous twenty-year-old - so fuck off.

  HIM: Well I think you should be flattered that a young guy like me (41) should be interested in fucking an old haggard bitch like yourself. I note you been here a while, ask yourself fucking why you stuck up whore!

  Delete and block. Next in line.

  Dennis from Chester

  Dennis was a thirty-seven year old guy from Chester. Things went badly really quick with this guy.

  HIM: Hi, Dennis ere, genuine decent younger guy looking for genuine older woman xx

  ME: Why?

  HIM: Cos women my age messing me about x

  ME: What’s your experiences?

  HIM: I’ve dated older women and had a relationship, Shaz you on WhatsApp?

  ME: (Sent my number)

  HIM: Hi Shaz, Dennis ere off ….. XX How are you hun? Here’s my pic Hun, do you like? Can I see a pic hun?

  ME: Please don’t call me hun it’s a sleazy internet name for lazy men so they don’t have to remember my name.

  HIM: Awwww Sorry shaz x What you looking for?

  ME: A boyfriend, and my last one ever. Never want to be single again.

  HIM: Ok I want an older woman for gf. Do you drive? Do you live alone?

  I don’t like conversations like this. Asking me about living alone and driving usually means he’s already trying to work out if we’re going to be able to have sex. He asks aboutdriving, to see if I can come see him. The living alone part? In other words, do I have children that will be there at night time? So, I’m ready now, and to be honest I was right.

  HIM: U want me as your toy boy xx

  ME: Well I am not deciding anything after only a three-minute chat with you. I would need to meet you.

  The next picture he sent was him in his underpants with an erection along with, “You like?”

  He obviously didn’t know me.

  ME: Well I don’t like photos like that. How can I possibly take you seriously now – now you’re a sleazy internet boy – a genuine guy wouldn’t treat a lady like that. You just put yourself in the “young twatty guy looking to fuck older women” box.

  HIM: Yez chill out hun

  And you can see why this didn’t get very far. I reminded myself that there’s always another one waiting after this guy. I had to, or I would have given up at that point.

  Not to Generalize, But...

  I have a story to tell here about a friend of mine. This is the internet dating profile of a guy that she talked to. You might recognize a few things. On the surface, this guy made a lot of sense and I thought maybe it was someone that knew what was going on. Yeah…no.

  Okay, here it is…been on this madhouse too long so can safely say please don’t waste my time or yours if you:

  Have no pic (it’s 2016, the digital age)

  Have only one pic

  Only have pics from 30 yards away

  Only have pics in groups (I am neither psychic nor inspector Clouseau)

  Have pics of food (why why why would I wanna date somebody’s dinner)

  Have pics of crappy sayings (I don’t wish to date an ode)

  Can’t communicate beyond one day (you’re clearly not serious about dating)

  Are 40 and undecided if you want kids (you have been a woman for 20 plus years, when are you gonna know for goodness sake)

  Won’t say if you drive (it’s important and hardly a state secret)

  Won’t say what your job is

  Don’t have time to text (there is 86,400 seconds in a day, it takes two to send a text)

  Don’t have time to date (erm it’s a dating site, why come on at all if your busy)

  Don’t show up for a date (that is horrible and disgusting behavior.

  Don’t text after a date even to politely say no thanks (just rude)

  You can tell from this profile that he appears to be serious about looking for a relationship. It also appears he is somewhat pissed off with women. And now I’m wondering if HE’S writing a book about internet dating as well?

  Then my friend received a message from him.

  “Hi ya! Am pretty certain I have messaged you before, apologies if so, but at least I am consistent in my taste! Hopefully if you didn’t reply last time, your tastes have changed. Ha! Derek X”

  She replied, “You are fucking kidding me, we had three dates, six months ago, and then after I slept with you, you messaged me to tell you were not ready for a relationship! Oh, and by the way you were shit.”

  Isn’t that outrageous? It shows you the kind of men out there. They are meeting and fucking so many women they forget who they have been with.

  Now, I have had hundreds of the following conversations…

  HIM: Very sexy

  ME: Thank you

  HIM: Great cleavage

  ME: Really? Where do you see that?

  HIM: What size are your tits?

  ME: Well I will answer that question when you answer the equivalent to a woman.

  HIM: Definitely

  What’s funny is that when they say this, I know they are thinking that I amgoing to ask for the size of his cock. They find it exciting. Their reaction to the question I ask, the fact that it flabbergasts them? I love it.

  ME: Ok so you answer my equivalent question and I answer yours. Ok?

  HIM: Yes go for it.

  ME: What’s your salary?

  HIM: What?

  ME: What do you earn?

  HIM: Why?

  ME: Answer the question and I will answer yours

  HIM: 30k

  ME: 38GG

  HIM: Wow big – dress size?

  ME: How much is the mortgage left on your house?

  HIM: Why you asking me this?

  ME: I thought we were playing the “questions we would really like to know” game.

  Sometimes this game goes on a little longer and is followed by him asking about the size of my nipples. I in turn ask about his car, but it doesn’t play out for very long. This little game amuses me mainly because it doesn’t last very long and it easily offends the men.

  Confessions of a Lady Dater

  This is where I confess that I too have done some of the things that I claim in the previous chapters. I’ve definitely been a time waster. I may also have been a Houdini. But this is the dating game…it’s all fucked up.

  If somebody doesn’t show me the right sort of attention, I’m not going to sit around and wait. If he can’t bebothered to text or message me, somebody else will. Please, don’t think that’s cruel of me. You’ve read the stories of what I’ve been through with internet dating, and how much has been done to me. I do appreciate this doesn’t make it right, but I honestly believe in my heart that my behavior is about not accepting bad behavior in the men.

  I didn’t want to write this chapter, really. I mean, who wants to talk about their weaknesses and sins? But as I’m telling you the stories of my internet dating experiences then I really have to. So, here goes…

  Now, I have done some things that, I wouldn’t say I was ashamed of, but they are not what a nice working-class lady does. I want to be honest and tell you all the truth. After all, I am writing a book about my experiences, but to write some of them down makes me face demons I don’t want to face.

  When I first became single in 2010, I had only ever really had two boyfriends. I decided to make a list of the sexual experiences I would like to indulge in before I settled down.

  Sleep with a woman

  Have a one night stand

  A threesome or more

  A non-white guy

  Outside

  In a restaurant

  I will tell you that I only achieved 2 of my list. But I won’t say which ones. I’ll leave that to your imagination, or maybe for book two.

  Tony from Knutsford

  This guy clearly lied about everything on his profile. I mean, even
his photos must have been twenty years old. And on top of that, he wasn’t even very nice. I left the date as quick as I could. He didn’t take the hint though, and continued to message after our date. Instead of responding and ending it, I would just delete his messages - sometimes without even reading them.

  Some months later he rang me out of the blue. I answered as I had deleted his number and wasn’t aware it was him (I never did this again. I always keep numbers now). As soon as I started talking to him, I realized who it was and thought, shit. Of course, he asked me why I hadn’t responded to his messages. I quickly changed the subject, asking why on earth he was ringing me all these months later. Apparently, it had taken him months to pluck up the courage to call.

  And this is where I turned into one of them…I lied. I told him that I thought he wasn’t interested in me as I’d had no contact from him after the date.

  “I messaged you loads,” he said. I could hear the anger in his voice.

  “Nope. I never got any,” I replied. Then I cruelly added,“You hurt me you know, I thought you had liked me.”

  I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was mortified when he asked if he could make it up to me. I told him that I was too hurt. That was awful, wasn’t it? This was very much in my earlier days of dating. I did feel guilty after this and still feel ashamed of myself.

  Mark from Warrington

  I think that there were only two times I went to a man’s house for a first date. I haven’t told anybody that little bit of information. And there was one guy came to my house. Not bad out of two hundred dates, is it? These were in the earlier days when I was a bit more naive and certainly before the event happened with Trevor. I think sometimes I just feel I am a bit highly strung about it all and wish I could relax about it. It is after all the sexual age.

  Mark invited me to his house for dinner. But when I arrived, I knew dinner was not actually the plan that night…and I was okay with that. I needed some physical affection, some intimacy. The last guy I had slept with had beenthe Scotland weekend guy and there was definitely no intimacy there. It’d been months since I even snogged a guy, so I was really craving some attention. This guy was thirty-two (I am forty-nine) and I thought why not? I’d just go, chill out, relax and see what happened.

  As soon as I arrived at his house, he pounced on me. We didn’t have penetrative sex, but there was, shall we say…sexual contact. After about three hours he kind of hinted to me that the date was over. This was my first ever one night stand, and do you know what? I loved it.

  I wanted to make a point though and I asked, “What about my dinner?”

  “I don’t have anything in. I only have fish fingers.”

  “Well fish fingers it is then. In a sandwich, yea?” He didn’t look very happy, but he did it. I took about three bites and left it.

  The Guy Who Needed an Ambulance

  This next story is one that I haven’t told a soul. I have worried that I would be judged harshly, but I panicked and I didn’t know what to do…

  I went on a date to a quiet little village in his territory. This is quite rare for me, usually I make them come to Chorley. Deep down I was thinking that I hadn’t had sex in several months (maybe 18), so if I liked him I would see if I had the bottle to go back to his place and fuck him.

  So, I went to meet him, and we liked each other – well, I think we both found each other fuckable anyway. We had a lovely evening. It was clear we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, there was chemistry all over the place.

  Eventually, he said, “Shall we go back to mine for coffee?” I actually had a little panic attack, but I so wanted to fuck him. Of course, we all know what I think about girls who put out on a first date. I had the angel on one shoulder reminding me of my morals, and the little red devil on the other reminding me that I was single, horny, and I fancied him, and to go for it. So I did.

  We arrived at his house, had a coffee and participated in the idle awkward chat you engage in when you both know what’s going to happen next. When the coffee was finished, he came over and started to kiss me. Things were getting nicely passionate. When suddenly he grabbed his chest, and fell to the floor.

  Now, I am no nurse, but it looked like he was having a heart attack. I panicked for about a minute before ringing an ambulance. This is the embarrassing part…I didn’t know his full name or address. I had to go outside and find the street name and check the number on his door.

  It seemed ages before the ambulance came. I have never felt so awkward waiting for its arrival. The paramedics were asking me all sorts of questions about him, and in the end I had to just come clean with them and tell them I didn’t know him that well. They loaded him up into the ambulance. I said I would follow in my car, but I didn’t. I drove home and never spoke a word of this to anyone. He never made contact with me again. I suppose he could of died and I’m ashamed that I don’t know.

  Dane from Chorley

  I met Dane, and straight away I was disappointed in him. He seemed nice enough, but he had nothing; a poorly paid job, no car and rented a room in a house. I wasn’t sure about a second date, but then he texted me, “Meet me at the train station at seven. I’m taking you on a surprise trip.” Who could resist that?

  Turned out to be boring night, actually. It was just a meal at the next stop down the trainline. We did arrange a third date, but after reflecting at home I was wondering how I was going to tell him that he wasn’t for me. It was hard because he works with lots of my friends who knew I was going on a date with him.

  Then, I did something a little naughty - but remember this is the “confessions” chapter - I contacted him from a friend’s profile who was on the same internet dating site to entrap him. He replied immediately with and I started chatting to him as my friend. I asked him for a date and he agreed. I arranged it so that we would meet at the same date and time he had already arranged with me. They say women are tempted by other men when they have nothing. Men are tempted when they have everything.

  I really wanted to see how he was going to get out of the date with me, but my friend snatched her phone from me. She replied, ruining it really by saying, “Lovely, looking forward to it. Can I bring my best friend Sasha with me? You should know her as you have already met her.”

  A few days passed and the guy texted me to tell me that was very cruel of me. He didn’t leave me alone for a little while, kept talking about it. He insisted that he wouldn’t really have met her. He even came back a couple of months later to say that he’d regretted what he’d done. Even had the nerve to ask me to meet him again. Of course, it was a no.

  Is the Grass Greener?

  Finally, I wasn’t going to write these two short stories. But on reflecting on them and the nature of the book I felt they were important.

  I got to a point that I’d hit a wall. I was talking to men and trying to change my technique, but I was getting the same results. I started to think about what life would be like with a woman. Honestly, I think there is a side to most women who wonder what it would be like to “be” with a woman. Coincidently, as I was having these thoughts and thinking about which way to go, a woman sent me a “like” request.

  I was a little wary because she had no photo in her profile. I questioned why she didn’t have a picture. She explained that she was new to the site, which is one of the acceptable reasons not to have one. I was still guarded. Especially when she offered to text me some pictures. In my opinion, if you can text somebody a picture surely you can upload your one to your dating profile.

  We didn’t swap numbers, talking on Kik instead. Kik is an app that acts like text messaging but phone numbers are not visible. Another red flag for me. Why wouldn’t you want me to see your number. Once we moved to Kik, the messages quickly became quite slutty and dirty…then the photos came. She had lots of tattoos and looked like she didn’t have many teeth. No wonder she didn’t have her photograph on the site.

  She was filthy and horny in her texts, and I thought
even my same sex have that same sexually predatory behavior as some of the men I’d encountered. I even asked to meet her, though I had no intention of actually doing so. I wanted to see what she would do. Of course, she back pedaled and I didn’t hear from her for a couple of weeks. She did come back, but I wasn’t going to be chatting to her again and blocked her.

  A few weeks later I got contacted by another woman from Yorkshire. She looked very attractive in her pictures and we started talking. There was a little bit on her part talking dirty and I thought, “Not again.” I decided to keep talking to see what would happen next.

  After we’d been talking for a couple of weeks, she said she had a confession for me. I was dreading what she was going to tell me.

  “Sasha, as much as I can, through just writing to you, I think I’ve fallen for you.” This surprised me. I still wasn’t’ sure where this was going, or if it was a scam, so I played along. I told her the feeling was mutual. Within minutes of saying that she deleted her profile and we never spoke again.

  But wait, that’s not the end of this story. A couple of days later this really attractive young lad from London made contact with me. I recognized his picture, but I couldn’t remember from where. I was convinced we’d talked the year previously, but he swore blind that we hadn’t.

  The conversation got going and I asked him what he did for a living and he told me one thing but added that he’d been helping a friend in a photography studio.

  “How interesting. What does that involve?” I asked. He went into great depth with his answer, and I was beginning to wish I hadn’t asked. When he was done explaining to me, I decided a change of subject was the way to go and asked him why he was single. He was clearly gorgeous and had access to models through his friend’s studios.

  “Actually, one of the models we photographed today is on this site. You should check her out. She’s very attractive.” It was the woman above from Yorkshire that had just professed her undying love for me and then deleted her account.

  “I don’t know what you are fucking playing at, or what you’re doing, but keep me out of it. Neither her nor you are to ever contact me again, you weirdos.” I blocked them. I still don’t know what the scam was, but it was too fishy for me.