Not that there’d been any of that in the last week, either. After spending months trying to convince herself she could live without sex and passion, it was amazing how cold and empty her body felt after having tasted bliss for a handful of days before it was snatched away again.
Merry held in a gloomy sigh and tried to psych herself up for a trip to the barn. These days, her favorite place to spend time had some drawbacks—mainly, that Jo could tell something was going on with her, but Merry had no intention of talking about her marriage problems with her mother. Not out of stubbornness—or, not completely—but because once she told her mother that she and Ben were in trouble, she knew what Jo would say. She’d immediately offer to let Merry move back into her old room at Windy Corner. And then Merry would have to consider that as a serious option, and this whole thing would become completely, irrevocably real.
She wasn’t ready for that yet. No, Merry was still clinging to the belief that this thing with Ivan would smooth itself over, that they’d all get used to it and figure out how to work around it, and Alex would end up with two married parents who loved him and a healthy relationship with his biological father.
Was that so much to ask?
“Ba ba ba ba,” Alex said emphatically from his car seat in the back. A glance in the rearview mirror showed him scowling in fierce concentration as he grasped the toe of his sock and worked it off his little foot. That was his new thing. No matter how cold it got outside, they couldn’t keep him in socks for more than twenty minutes.
“Almost there, buddy,” Merry said, making the turnoff for Windy Corner Stables. She’d started talking to Alex a lot more, she’d noticed, an endless stream of forced cheer and slightly desperate chatter to fill the silence left by Ben’s retreat into himself. “We’re going to have so much fun today! And guess who we’re meeting at the stables?”
Ivan had expressed an interest in seeing where Merry worked, and since she wasn’t about to take him down to Ben’s vet hospital, she’d agreed to show him around the barn.
Ella had promised to be on her best behavior, disapproval thick in her voice. She’d never liked Ivan, even before he basically called her sister a cheating slut and dumped her for getting knocked up. And, as she was the person who’d dealt with the fallout of Merry’s hormonally enhanced reaction to said dumping, Ella had earned the right to hate Ivan forever. But she was a good older sister to the end, and even though Merry could tell she really didn’t get what Merry was trying to do by allowing Ivan access to Alex, she wasn’t going to interfere.
“Da da da. Da,” Alex cried at the top of his lungs, kicking his bare feet excitedly.
Merry grinned, grateful for the way her amazing, hilarious boy could always take her mind off her problems. “No, not Dada,” she said automatically, fondness warming her from the inside the way it always did when she thought of the look on Ben’s face whenever Alex said “da da.” “We’re meeting—”
She stopped, disconcerted. Ivan was technically Alex’s father. But what would Alex call him? Not that it mattered yet, but it soon would. By the time Alex was a year old, he’d be ready to start naming the things and people around him, imitating the words he heard from the adults in his life. So what would they call Ivan?
Stop overthinking everything, Merry told herself to quell the strange panic bubbling in her chest. Who knows where we’ll all be in six months! By then, probably none of this will even be an issue.
Because probably, if Ivan stuck around and Merry never got him to sign away his rights, then Ben wouldn’t be able to adopt Alex as his son. And if Ben couldn’t adopt Alex … would he even want to stay married?
He might not have truly married her to provide an heir to make his parents happy—but after what had happened with Ben’s first marriage and the tragic death of his daughter, Merry knew how important Alex was to Ben. Maybe it wasn’t so simple as Ben looking for a replacement family, but she couldn’t fool herself that Ben would’ve been as eager to marry her in the first place if he’d known there was no chance he could adopt her child as his own.
That was the thought that had tortured Merry over the last few days. Their last fight in the bathroom, with Alex splashing in the tub nearby, had thrown the reality of the situation under the harsh glare of the spotlight. Ever since, Merry couldn’t stop remembering the frustrated anger on Ben’s face when he’d told her everything had changed.
Everything—including the declaration of love she’d heard over the baby monitors?
It’s not as if he ever came out and told you he loved you right to your face, Merry reminded herself. If he really meant it, really felt it—wouldn’t he say it right out loud?
Sure. The way you do, you mean?
Merry flipped down the sun visor and made a face at herself in the tiny mirror on the back. In the corner of the mirror, she caught a glimpse of Alex squirming in his car seat.
“Everything is just a little confusing right now, baby,” she murmured as they pulled up to the barn. “But don’t you worry. Mama’s going to figure it out.”
Everyone was parking out back to leave room out front for the trucks dropping off construction supplies to be able to turn around. Merry slowly navigated the pitted, pocked drive around the side of the green barn.
The car lurched to a stop as Merry’s foot jerked off the gas pedal. She stared, heart thumping with a combustible mix of dread and joy.
That was Ben’s ancient, battered pickup truck with the shiny horse trailer hitched to the back.
He was here. On the one hand, the timing wasn’t wonderful, with Ivan on his way out to the barn for a tour and a playdate with Alex. But on the other hand, Merry felt as if she hadn’t seen her husband in a week.
He left for work as soon as Alex was fed, and calls seemed to keep him out of the vet office all day and well into the evening. And at night, although Ben was as tender and sweet with Alex as ever, going through the motions of bathtime and tucking him in, once Alex was asleep it was as if he shut down completely.
They hadn’t touched for longer than it took to transfer Alex from one pair of arms to the other in days.
Knowing she was being stupid, Merry still nervously scrabbled through her purse for a tube of lipstick and applied the pink lacquer with a shaky hand. Her hair was kind of a wreck, but that’s what happened when you carried around a six-month-old baby who was still figuring out his fine motor skills. Lots of hair pulling.
Well, that was the best she could do. Ben probably wouldn’t notice, anyway. Which wasn’t as comforting a thought as she could have wished for.
By the time she’d wrestled Alex and his bulging diaper bag out of the backseat, she was sweating through her long-sleeved shirt a little, even in the cool autumn morning. It was early enough that the sun hadn’t turned the overnight frost into dew, and the rolling green hills surrounding the barn glittered as if they’d been sprinkled with diamond dust.
Every time the lush natural beauty of Sanctuary Island caught in her chest and stole her breath, Merry felt that little internal “click” that told her she’d made the right decision when she moved here.
What if Ben divorced her, though? she wondered with a sudden chill that had nothing to do with the breeze through the pines. Would she be able to handle living in such a small, close-knit community with the man who’d once shared his life with her and Alex … but who didn’t love them enough to keep them?
She didn’t have time to answer that awful question, even in the privacy of her own mind, because the moment she stepped into the warm, earthy darkness of the barn, she saw Ben.
He was standing at the other end of the long, wide corridor lined with horse stalls. The front barn doors were thrown open to let in the fresh air, and his tall, lanky form was outlined against the brightening morning light.
Head bent over one of the folders Merry had made for him when she took over the filing, Ben was absorbed in reading through the pages of medical history she’d printed out and ordered according to where th
e horses’ stalls were in the barn, to make it as easy as possible for him to flip to the correct section.
Pride and satisfaction made for a nice change to the unsettled mood she’d fought for days. There was nothing quite like knowing she’d done a good job. She really had contributed to the smooth running of the vet office. The knowledge gave her the guts to smile and wave to get Ben’s attention.
“Hi! We didn’t expect to see you here today. Windy Corner wasn’t on the schedule.”
Ben’s head reared back like one of the wild horses startled by the presence of a human. He recovered quickly while he shuffled the papers back into the color-coded folder. “Yes. Well, Jo called. She got word that Sam may have found a foster home for Java, so she asked me to do a check to see if he’s good to travel.”
Despite the dangers the abused stallion represented, and the fact that he’d actually injured Ben, Merry felt a pang of sorrow at the thought of Java leaving the barn. “Is he okay? He was in such bad shape when he got here, and it’s only been a few weeks. Maybe he needs more time.”
Right arm aching, Merry switched the removable car seat baby carrier to the left. Alex started up a steady stream of babble and cooing. He loved being in the barn.
Ben crouched down to put himself closer to Alex’s level. Reaching out, he snagged the baby’s bare, kicking left foot. “I see we’ve already ditched the socks today.”
Merry groaned and set the carrier down to dig through the diaper bag for one of the spare pairs she’d started carrying around everywhere they went. “Lord. I put them back on after the car ride, but he must have shaken them off between the car and here. He’s like magic.”
“The Houdini of socks.” Ben smirked up at her, silver eyes alight with the shared joke, and Merry’s heart stuttered.
“It’s been too long since I saw that smile.” The words were out before she could stop them, but when Ben stood up without dropping either the grin or his gaze, she couldn’t regret it.
His lips twisted a bit. “I could say I’ve been trying to give you the space you asked for, but that’s not completely true. Maybe I was the one who needed a break from all the … you know, feelings.”
Merry laughed, watching him from underneath her lashes. “I’d ask if you’re feeling better now, but…”
“Back off, woman,” Ben mock-snarled, that sexy smile still playing at the corners of his lips.
“Just to be clear,” Merry said, determinedly keeping it light, “I never asked for space. Only time. Semantics maybe, but Ben, I don’t need space away from you. In fact, I miss being … close.”
Fire sparked in the depths of his eyes. “Is that right,” he purred, stepping even closer. His gaze dropped to her mouth and Merry’s blood started a giddy dance through her veins.
“Yes,” she breathed through parted lips.
“You look pretty today.” Ben’s voice was as gentle as the hand he slid into her hair to caress the tender nape of her neck.
Merry clenched her thighs against the sudden shiver of low, heated yearning. “I didn’t think you’d notice,” she gasped.
“Merry, Merry,” Ben murmured against her mouth. “I notice everything about you.”
Their lips brushed and clung, the moment of shared breath and desire spinning out into an endless horizon of possibility.
“Am I in the right place? Whoa, it’s dark in here. Hello? Mare?”
Ivan’s loud tenor rang through the barn like the clanging of an alarm bell. Jolting backward, Ben stared over Merry’s head, his face turning to stone while she watched.
Clutching at Ben’s sleeve when he dropped his hand as if she’d burned him, Merry said urgently, “Ben, wait.”
“No wonder you’re all dolled up,” Ben said in a cold, dead voice. “Sorry if I smudged your lipstick. You should’ve waited for Ivan to get here instead of wasting it on me.”
As if completely oblivious to the moment he’d interrupted, Ivan continued to talk as he walked farther into the barn. “Wow, this place is bigger than I thought. Mare bear, is that you down there? I think I see … yeah, there’s my little man. Hey Alex, boy, how you doing?”
Ben curled his lip for an instant, and Merry read the contempt in his face as if he’d come right out and said, “Alex isn’t a golden retriever puppy, you moron.”
This could get ugly in a hurry. Talking quickly, she faced Ivan with a wide, fake smile. He’d never know the difference. “Ivan, you made it! That’s great. Would you mind taking Alex for a second and waiting for me in the office? It’s right through there, and I’ll be along shortly to give you the tour around the barn.”
“No need to delay the fun on my account,” Ben said blandly, already backing away. His foot nudged Alex’s baby carrier, causing an indignant squawk.
“Hey, don’t kick my baby!” Ivan shook his head. “Not cool, man.”
Merry tensed all over, but Ben crouched down to touch Alex’s waving toes again. “Sorry, Alex,” he said seriously. “But I’ve got to go. Things to do, horses to check, travel papers to sign off on.”
“Uh, I don’t think he understands you.” Ivan laughed, the slightly mean chortle he used when he felt threatened.
Ben stood in a burst of controlled power that reminded Merry, all at once, that he had at least four inches and several years on Ivan, who, for all his gym-toned muscles, wasn’t all that tough.
“Ivan,” she said sharply. “Please wait for me in the office. I’ll be along in a minute.”
“Fine.” Digging his hands into the minuscule front pockets of his too-tight jeans, Ivan sauntered across the corridor to the office, pointedly not taking Alex with him.
Familiar with Ivan’s little acts of defiance in the face of being told what to do, Merry pressed a hand to the headache brewing behind her eyes. “Now. Ben, seriously, this isn’t what you think…”
But when she looked back at him, he was already walking away.
“Hey,” she called, feeling as if he’d tethered himself to her heart somehow, and every step pulled the link between them tighter and thinner. “I’m not finished with you yet.”
“Yeah, well. I’m finished,” Ben said without turning around. “There’s only so long a man is willing to wait for a woman to make up her mind if she wants him or someone else. Take your time, Merry. But don’t expect me to always be there for you, waiting until you figure out what you want.”
He disappeared into Java’s stall, leaving Merry lost and alone in the middle of the hallway, unable to come up with a single argument to make Ben stay.
His final words sliced through Merry’s brain while she moved on autopilot to pick up Alex’s carrier and walk into the office where Ivan was waiting.
Don’t expect me to always be there for you.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The condition of Java’s hooves had improved, and he’d gained enough mass to take him out of the seriously malnourished zone and into being merely underweight. The stallion still had a tendency to startle badly at sudden noises, but he was at his most secure in his stall, which had clearly come to represent a safe space for him.
According to Ben’s notes, it was when Java left the stall that they ran into trouble with him, but since most of the travel time would involve the stallion being enclosed in a small trailer, he should be fine. Ben made a note that he advised extreme caution when loading and unloading Java from the trailer, and that he recommended gelding Java as soon as the horse was stable enough after transportation. In Ben’s experience, leaving a stallion with Java’s issues uncut was only going to add to the horse’s problems with a lot of hormones and urges he’d have trouble controlling.
Ben flipped Java’s folder closed and hooked it to the back of his stall with a sigh. The horse himself was down in the paddock going through one last round of exercises with Jo Ellen before Sam picked him up the next day.
Wandering out of the barn and down the slight slope to the outdoor ring, Ben told himself he was only doing the responsible thing, performing a
visual check of the animal’s movement in the ring before he signed off on all the paperwork. But at the back of his mind, Ben knew there was one reason and one reason only that he was still hanging around the barn. Okay, two reasons.
Merry and Alex.
He’d caught glimpses of them as she walked Ivan through the barn, introducing him to the horses and explaining the changes they were making to the structure as they prepared to shift their focus from regular horse boarding and training to a facility that supported equine-assisted therapy.
Ben liked the way her voice lilted with enthusiasm when she told Ivan about the ways people could work with horses to assist their recovery from all sorts of trauma, including post-traumatic stress disorder. She’d swapped the handheld baby carrier for the little front-wearing backpack that allowed Alex to gaze out at the world around him with big, blue, interested eyes. His chubby arms and legs poked through the pack’s openings like a starfish, and even Ben couldn’t help but smile at the fact that the kid was wearing two mismatched socks.
As if he’d developed some sort of radar system to keep track of his wife, Ben was aware of Merry and Alex’s location at all times. No matter how fiercely he pushed himself to concentrate on writing his notes for Java’s next medical caregiver, he knew Merry had led Ivan down to the paddock to watch her mother put Java through his paces.
And Ben was drawn to follow her as if he’d been magnetized to her.
But at the bottom of the hill, Ben ran into Ivan.
“Oh hey, what’s up?” Ivan didn’t sound any happier to see Ben than Ben was to see him. “I’m looking for the bathroom.”
“The door at the back of the office,” Ben grunted, prepared to push past the punk with no other conversation.
But Ivan held his ground, the picture of pointless defiance in his ripped jeans and leather jacket with safety pins hanging from the zipper. He probably paid extra for the holes in those jeans.
“Look, man.” Ivan stared at the ground, then flipped his hair out of his eyes in a practiced, boyish gesture that made Ben feel like yelling something extra old and cranky, like “Get off my lawn!”
Shoreline Drive (Sanctuary Island) Page 24