by Amy Noelle
Ouch. “I’m back to hating you,” I said, though my words held no heat. “What am I going to do?”
“The way I see it, you have two options. The best one is to walk into work tomorrow, go to his desk, take his handsome face in your hands, and kiss the life out of him.”
Because I’d pictured myself doing just that and yearned for it to be so, I glared at Kim. “And if I’m not living in a porno?”
She rolled her dark eyes. “You go into work tomorrow and follow his lead. He may need a little time to lick his wounds after you dicked with his head all day long.”
“Hey, I didn’t try to!” Jeez, she made it sound like I was playing some sort of game. As if I had the mental capacity to manipulate and toy with the man when he’d fried my brain from the first moment I’d seen him.
“I know, but men have pride, and you pricked his when you didn’t immediately use the parallel he was drawing between the two of you and his parents’ relationship, as well as when he saw you with Derek. A man and his pride can be dangerous,” Kim said.
“Don’t I know it.” I’d never expected him to get so upset about anything I did. He was always so patient and nice when it came to me.
“I vote for option one, if we’re taking a poll,” Mandy said.
“Big surprise. Has having a baby permanently messed up your hormones? I don’t remember you being this bad in college.”
Mandy giggled while Ashley snorted. “Yes, she very much was. She was just quieter about it back then.” They’d been roommates, so she’d know.
“First, though, you have to decide what you want,” Ash said. “And admit it, aloud, so that all of us can hear you finally say it.”
“No.”
“Do it, or I’ll be on your doorstep Friday night at eight blaring a boom box outside your door like in Say Anything,” Ashley threatened.
“You don’t own a boom box. And you wouldn’t dare interrupt Supernatural.”
“Try me.”
“Fine. I want Josh. There. Does that make you happy?”
“Very,” Ashley said, sounding quite smug.
“Now that you’ve admitted it, what are you going to do about it?” Jen asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I have to listen to Kim and follow his lead. Lay low for a few days. I can’t do anything right now anyway, since I have a date on Saturday night.” Just thinking about it made me sick.
“You’re still going to go?” Mandy asked, incredulous.
“What am I supposed to do? The guy thinks we have a date, and I’ve danced around it for months. He’s nice enough, and I don’t want to be a total bitch. I was actually considering going out with him to get Josh out of my head. I guess that’s what I’m doing after all.”
“Even though it’s not about to work,” Kim said.
I knew in my heart it was true. “No. I doubt I’ll be able to stop thinking about Josh while I’m out on the date he set up for me.” God, that was so wrong. “It’s one night, though. It won’t kill me.” But what if Josh went out with someone now that he knew I was, even though it was his fault? That very likely could kill me. “This sucks.”
Kim put a hand on my shoulder. “I know. You’ve made a mess of things, my friend, and it’s time to clean it up. Go to work tomorrow, see how he acts, and go with it. My guess is he’ll have his own wall up now. You’re going to have to chip away at it, since you won’t do the smart thing and just tell him you want him.”
“I can’t. I don’t know how. It’s been so long since I’ve even thought about a guy beyond getting him into and out of bed that I don’t know what to do. I’m not you,” I said.
“He doesn’t want me.” Kim said. He probably would if he got a look at her in person. She was easily the most beautiful woman I’d ever known. “He wants you. And that didn’t change because of a misunderstanding. For the first time in your life, Nic, fight for a guy. That he cares so much tells me he’s worth it.”
He was worth it, though I didn’t have the balls to just tell him I wanted him—not after I’d screwed it up so royally today. But maybe I could show him. Kim was right. He was the first guy in God knew how long who was worth the effort. That’s one thing I was actually sure of.
Chapter 15
I followed my girls’ advice to follow his lead and, honestly, it led me nowhere. Josh was true to his word, and all week he treated me like a coworker. Actually, no, he treated me more like a casual acquaintance, which was even worse. My morning hot chocolates stopped coming. His sitting next to me for the majority of the day ended, too. Chatting and laughing were nothing but a memory.
It was hard to pinpoint what I despised more, the loss of his friendship or the loss of the high I felt just being near him. He sat at his own desk now, dictating what I should write, more or less, and he only handed me the phone when I was having trouble grasping something. I pretended not to understand a couple of times, hoping it would open a dialogue or get some physical contact again, but it didn’t work.
It was funny how much you could miss something you hadn’t thought you wanted. The old “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” adage really did ring true. I couldn’t begin to count how many times I nearly told him I was an idiot, and I wanted to explore what we could be together. But each time I’d open my mouth, I’d see his defensive posture, the way he looked away from me, and I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair anyway.
My date with Derek was set in stone now. I didn’t see how I could get out of it, so I’d just gone ahead and made the plans. It didn’t feel right to tell Josh how I felt until the stupid date was no longer hanging over our heads, and I knew it wasn’t fair to Derek no matter what I did. I wasn’t sure what made me a bigger bitch, going or not, but I figured at least if I went, I’d know if there was anything there. The odds were slim, but it was one night, not a lifetime commitment. I could suck it up.
Friday had been the worst. I could have cut the tension with a knife, which I’d always thought was a silly metaphor until I experienced it for myself. As five approached, I’d felt like the air was being sucked out of the room. I hadn’t known what to say when it was time to leave, and Josh hadn’t budged from his desk, obviously letting me exit first. I’d told him to have a good weekend and felt like an asshole doing it, especially when he choked back a strange laugh and said the same to me.
Did it bother him to know that right now I was fixing my hair and putting on makeup in preparation for meeting Derek at Antonio’s? Of course, he didn’t know where I was going this time. I hadn’t talked to or about Derek in front of him since Monday, and he hadn’t asked. The little part of me that was hoping he’d show up like he did last weekend knew better. He’d taken the step back he’d promised. Well, it felt like he’d taken a bunch of steps back. Like he was already miles away, home in New York, Chicago just a distant bad memory.
I was determined to bridge the gap on Monday. This date would be out of the way, and I would tell him what I wanted. It scared the shit out of me, but so did the way I’d felt all week long. It was like something was missing, even though he was right there. My wall was finally down, or as far down as I was going to let it, and his was up. Like the Great Wall of China separated us instead of just a few feet. And it was my fault.
“But he overreacted to the Derek thing,” I said to Hunt, who was watching me with suspicious eyes. “And okay, maybe I wanted to punch Lisa when I saw her talking to Josh on Friday morning and he laughed at whatever she said. Like she’s funny!” I threw up my hands and nearly marked my face with mascara. “What if he asked her out? What if he really did give up on me forever?”
Hunt swished his tail, and I sighed. “Yeah, I know. It’s all on me. But can you blame me? Life is way easier when you’re not crazy about someone. And I’m talking legitimately crazy, not my usual level of crazy. I’ve gone beyond that.”
Huntington batted at my hairbrush as I lifted it. Even though I felt like wearing sweats and a grubby T-shirt, I was wearing a simple gray dress
that made my eyes look steely. My lids were smoky, and my hair fell in long, loose curls. I looked ready to have a good time. If only.
I gave the boys treats and contemplated canceling for about the hundredth time before I gave up and headed to the El. I was meeting him there. It was easier and allowed for a quicker escape. I tried not to think about how Jen was probably with Josh right now. Ryan had invited her over. He was grilling and they were going to watch the Cubs, because they both had unfortunate baseball taste. I didn’t know what Josh was doing, and I was secretly glad Jen would be able to tell me. But what if he wasn’t there? What if he was out with Lisa?
Well, then I wouldn’t like him anymore, because he obviously had bad taste if he went out with her. And she was too young for him—not in age, but in actions. She was a child. Maybe I acted like one now and then, but I could be mature when I wanted to be. I was a woman. She was a girl. So if he wanted a girl, he could have her. And I could beat her ass if she touched him.
Before I knew it, I was walking toward Antonio’s. I loved this place, and it had been my suggestion. It was fairly close to home and, though it was a good restaurant, it wasn’t overpriced. Also, the food was amazing.
“You look incredible.”
I smiled at Derek as I approached. “You look good, too.” It was true. He was wearing black slacks and a pale blue button-down that matched his eyes. I tried not to compare his light blue eyes to Josh’s deep blue ones, but I sort of failed. This was going to be a long night.
“The food smells great. I’m glad you chose this place,” he said as he held the door open for me. He was right about that. The aroma of garlic and sauce immediately hit me, and I felt hungry for the first time in what felt like weeks.
Derek got us a table and pulled out my chair. His fingers lightly touched my back as I sat down, and there was nothing. I didn’t feel a damn thing, whereas Josh set me on fire without even trying. I had to stop comparing them, or I’d never get through the night.
“It’s one of my favorite restaurants,” I said. When the waiter came, I ordered a glass of white zinfandel, since I planned on having chicken fettuccini alfredo, my absolute favorite dish here. He ordered a red pinot, and we both took a few minutes to look over the menu. “They have amazing garlic cheese bread.”
“Garlic, huh?” he said with a smile. Hell yes, garlic. If he thought I was putting out, he had another think coming. A few weeks ago I might have, but not now. Things had changed. I’d changed.
“Yes. And their tomato and onion salad is awesome, too.” I would order that as well. I was going to have the death breath of the century. Funny, I hadn’t even thought of that when I’d chosen this place, but it sure was a happy coincidence.
“Sounds interesting,” he said and looked at me strangely. At least I wasn’t ordering a main dish loaded with garlic or onions. Maybe I should, though.
The waiter came with our wine and took our orders. Derek got the spaghetti, which was a pretty boring choice, but hey, to each their own.
“I’m so glad we’re finally doing this,” Derek said. “I thought you were never going to cash in our rain check.”
I hadn’t cashed it in, he had. “Well, you know, life can be crazy.”
He laughed. “I don’t, really, but I admit I’m intrigued. What keeps you so busy on Friday nights?”
Oh, crap. Damn Josh for mentioning it. “Uh, it’s not very exciting, I’m afraid. There’s a TV show I watch religiously.”
Derek gave me a look that told me he didn’t think overly much of my revelation. “That’s it? You stay in every Friday night to watch TV? Can’t you record it?”
He was judging me, and I felt my temper start to flare. “I have a DVR, yes, but I like to watch my show as it airs.” And again after. And at least once more over the weekend. There was nothing wrong with that.
He shook his head. “But think of all the fun you could be having. Clubs and bars and parties. You should be out and about. I could show you a good time.”
As if I would be going out with him again. Even if I didn’t know Josh existed, I wouldn’t go out with Derek now. Had I made fun of his being an insurance agent? Not to his face, that was for sure. “I’ve yet to find anything as fun or stimulating as Supernatural,” I said. I wondered if he could hear the irritation in my tone.
“Ooookay,” he said. He smiled, and I took a sip of my wine. The garlic bread appeared, and I quickly stuffed some into my mouth. “That’s what I like about you, Nicole. You’re different from other girls.”
“Different?”
“Yeah, you’re pretty unpredictable. I’d more or less given up on you ever going out with me. I thought someone who looked like you was probably juggling men and just didn’t have time for me, but it turns out you were sitting at home watching TV.” He laughed and shook his head. “It just goes to show that you really don’t know a person until you get to spend some time with them.”
That was true. I hadn’t known Derek was kind of an annoying jackass until now, for instance. But I held back that comment since I’d sworn I was going to get through tonight with a smile on my face. “We all have our interests. What is it you like to do when you’re not hawking insurance?” Because there couldn’t be anything much more boring than that. It made my job look exciting in comparison.
“I play basketball with a league every weekend. You should come watch me.” I didn’t like basketball, and even if I did . . . no. “I hit Rush Street every Friday after work and see what’s what. I go to baseball games occasionally. Go Cubs!” He made an annoying little woo woo sound that made me want to roll my eyes. I was grateful I kept my Rush Street visits to Saturdays or the occasional weekday and hadn’t run into him.
“What else do you do, besides watch TV?” The smirk he wore made me want to throw my garlic bread at him, but it was too good to waste.
“I spend time with my best friend, go out and hit the bars when the mood strikes, date when I feel like it, read, hang out with my cats, explore the city.” I shrugged. I wasn’t giving specifics because he was already judging me and, frankly, I didn’t want him showing up where I was. Josh could, Derek couldn’t.
“Cats, huh?” He didn’t keep the disgust out of his voice this time either.
I glared at him. “Yes, I have two.” Part of me wanted to invite him home with me so Hunt could have a go at him, but I certainly wasn’t going to.
“I’m more of a dog guy.”
It wasn’t that dogs were bad, but anybody who made a face when I mentioned my cats was just an asshole. “Figures,” I muttered, softening my comment with a cheesy grin.
My onion and tomato salad came, and I chomped down on a piece of onion with major satisfaction. Derek made another little scowly face but wisely didn’t say anything. “So are you following the baseball season?”
I sucked the onion into my mouth and nodded while I chewed. “Always do.”
He sighed. “It just doesn’t look like the Cubs’ year.”
I couldn’t bite my tongue this time. “It’s never their year. You should be used to it by now.”
His not-nearly-pretty-enough blue eyes widened. “Wow! Who do you root for if not the Cubs?”
I thought about saying “everybody else” but decided it was better to claim my boys. “I’m a St. Louis girl all the way. You know, the champs? The team in first right now?” Though the damn Reds and Pirates were breathing down our necks. Pittsburgh would come back down to earth, no doubt, but Cincinnati worried me a bit.
“Oh, I guess this can never work,” he said and chuckled.
That went without saying, but I thought I’d reiterate it. “So true.” Again I smiled as if I was joking, but if he was at all perceptive, he’d know that wasn’t the case. My phone beeped in my purse, and I dug it out. “Excuse me,” I said with a little shrug. Normally I’d ignore it, but knowing Jen was with Josh, well, I wasn’t about to.
He’s home and he looks pretty miserable. I feel bad.
I felt a pang when I t
hought of him sitting at home watching the two lovebirds and maybe, just maybe, thinking about me being out with Derek.
Did he say anything about me?
Despite what I’d said to her earlier in the week, I was totally in junior high.
“Anything important?” Derek asked. Damn it, I’d almost succeeded in forgetting about him for a moment.
“My best friend is having man issues,” I said. One of us was having them, it didn’t matter that it was the wrong one of us.
“Ah, well, good thing you don’t have the same.”
Was he always a douche, or had he turned into one since I’d been forced to go out with him? Inquiring minds wanted to know. Our food came, and my phone beeped again. No way was I ignoring it. He could think me a rude bitch all he wanted. I was one.
Sort of. He saw me texting you and asked if everything was okay with my “friends.”
It wasn’t the same as if he asked about me directly, but I supposed he wasn’t about to do that with the way things stood.
He just went into his room to give us privacy. He looks like he hasn’t been sleeping well, and Ryan says he’s been sulking all week.
The image was so sad. He was like a sad little boy who needed a hug. I wanted to hug him.
“Earth to Nicole. Your food’s getting cold.”
“Sorry.” I took a bite and picked up my phone again.
I hate that he’s hurting. What should I do? Should I text him? Let him know I’m thinking about him?
“It must be a heck of a problem,” Derek muttered, sounding annoyed.
“Sorry,” I said again, smiling at him as I twirled my noodles around my fork. “Are you enjoying your spaghetti?”
“It’s good. I can’t believe I’ve never been here before.”
“Yeah, it’s a great date place,” I said as my phone beeped.
While you’re on a date with another guy? Kind of ballsy. Kim would be impressed. I love it. Do it.
It was ballsy. Ballsy and bitchy and rude. But he was a cat hater and a Cubs fan, so I felt kind of justified. Going out with Derek had solidified one thing for me. Good-looking or not, I could now recognize the difference between a quality guy and a douchy one. Josh was who I wanted. Derek wasn’t. Before I could talk myself out of it, I pulled up his number. Now what to say? The truth, I guess.