by M. Malone
I watch as she walks back to the stove top and uses the spatula to flip the sandwich onto the plate, revealing a golden brown underside. She picks it up and takes a big bite.
“You know, I almost don’t want to admit it but this is the best damn grilled cheese I’ve ever had.”
18
* * *
We spend the rest of the evening eating grilled cheese sandwiches and arguing about what to watch on TV. Andre wants to watch a documentary on Netflix that sounds boring as hell while I want to watch a new baking show.
We compromise by watching a home decorating show.
The entire time I’m watching him carefully for signs of trouble. Even though I told him I don’t want to talk about what happened, maybe that was a mistake. Is it healthier for him to talk about it? Could I be doing him more harm than good by letting him pretend his episode in the kitchen earlier didn’t happen?
Truly I don’t know and the answers are too important.
Andre looks at me then and smiles. “Thank you for staying with me. I wouldn’t have thought this would help but it did.”
His words only make me feel worse.
“I didn’t do anything. Just watched a show. I wish I knew what else to do to help you.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Earlier this year, a young girl stabbed herself on the red carpet of a movie premiere I was attending. We don’t know much, but it’s thought she did it to prove her love to me.”
My hand slowly comes up to cover my mouth. “Oh no. How terrible.”
“Yes, it was. Terrible that a young girl almost lost her life because of me.”
I put a gentle hand on his cheek. “This has to feel personal. But I’m sure you know this really wasn’t about you.”
His eyes close briefly. “It was my name she was screaming over and over. It was my Instagram page that inspired her. We did a Halloween image where I’m wearing fake blood on my shirt. The caption read, My heart bleeds just for you. Who would you bleed for?”
“And if she’d seen another celebrity’s page that day, she might have chosen to hurt herself in a different fashion. It sounds like that was a cry for help and she latched on to anyone she could relate to in some way.”
He doesn’t respond and my heart breaks watching him struggle with his thoughts. But I have a feeling there’s more, so I wait.
“We kept it as quiet as possible to discourage copycats. But after that day, I started having panic attacks. That’s what that was in the kitchen.”
He blinks several times. I pretend not to notice the moisture in the corners of his eyes.
“Now you know. It’s only fair you tell me your deepest secret, you know.”
He’s joking, trying to bring this conversation back to a lighter place but something inside me doesn’t want to shrug this off.
“People always talk about women having it all, meaning career and family. But a lot of times what they really mean is career first and kids later. But that’s actually not what I want. I would love to have a baby first.”
He’s watching me so closely that I shift uneasily. That’s probably not the sexiest thing to admit to a guy. Well, if I wanted him to keep me in the friend zone, that’s the way to do it. Nothing like talk of children and commitment to send most guys running.
“My only serious boyfriend in college, Thad, seemed to understand. He made me feel beautiful. He was a grad student and seemed so sophisticated compared to anyone else I knew. But he always had a reason to explain why I couldn’t see him on the weekends. I ignored my gut feelings when he would cancel plans, and turned a blind eye to all the signs he was a liar.”
“He disappointed you.”
I nod. “Yes. It turns out he already had my dream life with another woman. His wife had the babies with him I’d been dreaming of.”
“He was a fool.” Andre squeezes my fingers. “And I won’t pretend I’m sorry about that. Because I don’t know what I would have done if I’d met you when you were married to someone else.” He looks at me with probing eyes. “That’s your deepest secret? That you want to have a baby.”
I sigh. “It might not seem like a big deal to you but my mom had me young. The people in our hometown treated her like an outcast. Small towns can be a great place to grow up but they can also be a harsh place if you do something they don’t approve of. Being a pregnant, single, college-dropout was definitely not something they approved of. I can never tell my mom I want to have a baby young. Having me ruined her life.”
“That can’t be true,” he argues. “I’m sure she would agree that you are the best thing she’s ever done.”
The words warm me. My mom used to always tell me that when I was a little girl.
“How did you know she used to say that?”
“Simple. I’m looking at you.”
While my heart is busy exploding at his sweet words, he turns and I can feel the rush of his breath on my cheek. Now that the sun has gone down it’s dark in the room, the only light coming from the television.
My mind is telling me to do one thing and my body is crying out for me to throw myself into his arms. And it’s getting harder to pretend I only care about him as a friend.
His lips feather gently over my eyes, cheeks and then finally, finally my mouth.
I clasp his shirt in my fists and pull him closer. With a stark, animal sound, his hands settle on my lower back as we kiss, only breaking apart to take desperate, greedy breaths. His taste explodes on my tongue, heady like sandalwood, cinnamon and man.
It’s too much at once, too many sensations to process.
He groans and the sound is almost swallowed up by the desperate way our mouths connect. “You don’t know what you do to me.”
“I don’t want to be just friends.” I admit in a rush of breath. It feels good to say it aloud.
“Tell me what you do want, baby.” Andre skims a finger over my cheek. “You know you have only to ask.”
At the husky timbre of his voice, my nipples tighten. His finger trails down my neck and over the swell of one breast. This has to be a dream, a wine-fueled hallucination. But if this is a dream, it can’t hurt to ask for one thing.
“I want you. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more.”
Andre moves so quietly in the dark, his breath warm on my neck as he embraces me. His scent overwhelms my senses and I react instinctively, curling against him.
He growls, the arm around my waist tightening until I can’t move. He holds my gaze unblinking as he lowers his head and I just melt into a puddle of lust, my mouth open against his.
He lifts me into his arms easily and carries me down the hallway to the bedroom I’ve never seen. It’s too dark to see much until he turns on a low light next to the bed. Then I don’t care what the room looks like because he lowers himself on top of me.
My hands travel over the flat planes of his chest and around to his back, which tenses as my fingers move over him. He’s hard everywhere, his arms like steel cages locking me in place. His lips glide over my cheek to torment the skin on my throat.
I wiggle out of the tight skirt I wore today and then unbutton my blouse. When my plain black bra comes into view, I send up a silent prayer that it’s in decent shape and not one of my bras with a weird design on it.
Not that I think Andre would even notice. He unhooks the back deftly and pushes the cups out of the way so he can take a taut nipple in his mouth. I bite my lip to stifle a wild cry.
“You don’t have to hide the sounds of your pleasure. I want to hear what my touch does to you.”
“It makes me feel like I’m on fire.” It’s not an exaggeration. His lips burn against my skin, putting every nerve ending at attention.
His dark head moves back and forth between the tips of my breasts, alternately sucking and biting on them. I never knew I could feel these sensations, never guessed at the amount of passion untapped within me. The things he’s doing with his tongue make me want to crawl out of my skin and all over h
im. I want him inside me and all over me.
I never want him to stop.
When I look down, the sight of his arm moving between my thighs pulls a whimper from my lips. He hooks a finger through the edge of my panties and pulls them to the side. I cry out, first in surprise then in pleasure.
“I knew you’d be wet for me. I have to feel you.” One long finger sinks deep and we both moan at the decadent sensation.
There’s something primal about having one leg cocked over his hip while his hand plays between my legs. He shifts, the base of his palm rubbing directly against my clit. The heat builds with every press of his finger and grind of his palm. I shift my hips, unconsciously tilting up with the rhythm of his hand.
“You’re so tight, so perfect.” He mutters something in Italian, before capturing my lips in a drugging kiss. “Cara, you make me want.” His accent is thicker now, his control obviously gone.
That I’ve caused him to be in this state feels incredibly satisfying, especially when I reach down and unzip his pants, gently palming the evidence of his excitement. His length presses long and thick in my hand. His head falls back as I stroke him. He fumbles in the nightstand next to the bed pulling out a condom. He stands and pushes his slacks down before reaching over his head to yank off his shirt.
It’s almost embarrassing that he was still fully dressed while I’m completely naked.
I watch with greedy eyes as he rolls the protection on, my desire building with every breath. Some hazy part of me acknowledges that this is probably a bad idea but I just want one more night where we can be Andre and Casey without worrying about all the rest.
He kisses me again, his tongue invading my mouth as our bodies align. Then he lifts one of my legs, holding it around his waist as he angles his hips. I’m so wet that I take him all the way in one thrust.
Something dark and intense passes over his face. His beautiful eyes take it all in as I move under him, rocking my hips until we’re moving together in the perfect rhythm. One hand comes to his face as I whisper his name over and over. I thought I remembered how good it was but I’m unprepared for how emotional it makes me feel.
The orgasm takes me by surprise, heat spreading from my toes, up through my core and radiating out, tingling even the tips of my ears.
I squeeze my eyes shut at the soul-crushing wave of pleasure. Andre moans into my mouth as he comes. We rest like that, all our limbs entwined as our hearts slow.
“I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.” I bury my face against his shoulder at the admission, suddenly very self-conscious.
Andre anchors my face with a strong hand and kisses me again. “And if I have my way, you never will. You are mine.”
When I open my eyes, it takes me a second to remember where I am. Then I turn my head and see Andre and it all comes back. My mind is still hazy with dreams and I don’t have the mental energy to remember that I’m not supposed to get attached to him.
Maybe for just a few minutes this morning I can allow myself to imagine what it would be like to have this life. Waking up with a man who treats me like his queen. Children in the other room that are the perfect blend of both of us.
It seems like it would be a fairy tale. But here in the quiet moments before I’m fully awake, it’s okay to indulge in the dream.
Then Andre lets out a loud snore and I have to cover my giggles with the comforter. Maybe fairy tales aren’t so unrealistic after all. I bet even Prince Charming snores sometimes.
“What are you over there laughing about?”
He has a rough morning voice, nothing like the cultured tones I’m used to hearing. And how much do I love that I get to know this about him?
“Just over here listening to you sawing logs.”
His puzzled expression only makes it funnier.
“You know, sawing logs. Snoring.”
He props himself up with one arm. “What an odd expression. It seems whenever I think my English is pretty good, I get proven wrong.” He looks over to the digital clock on the nightstand. “I should get you home so you can change before work.”
I grumble a little not ready for the spell to be broken. “Can’t we just play hooky? Let’s pretend we’re back in high school. I can fake a pretty good cough and pretend to be sick.”
“That sounds way more fun than what I have planned this morning. But no way. I refuse to be a bad influence on you. Plus, if something interesting happens at work you’ll be upset you missed it.”
Reluctantly, I stand and pull my panties on. He’s right and irritatingly so. It would be just my luck that Mya had some cool project planned for a day I called in sick.
“Okay but I don’t understand why you’re suddenly afraid of corrupting me. I’m pretty sure you weren’t worried about that last night.”
He grins evilly. “No. And I won’t be worried about it tonight either.”
That’s almost enough to make me want to take the panties back off.
“Focus. Focus. Focus.” I get my clothes back on, while admiring his naked ass as he moves around the room. He disappears into his closet and then comes back out fully dressed.
“No fair. You look like James Bond and I have to do the walk of shame in my wrinkled clothes from yesterday.”
He leans over and plants a kiss on my forehead. “You’re welcome to leave clothes here. That should make it fair, hmm?”
“Really?” The thought makes me a little giddy but also introduces so many questions. What are we doing? Are we a couple now? I don’t want to be the typical clingy girl asking for meaning when maybe he was just lonely and in the moment yesterday. But to me, it felt like we said some pretty significant things last night.
I’m just not sure how they hold up in the light of day.
“You have the most expressive face. I can see everything you’re thinking.” He chuckles and pulls me into his arms.
I relax against his chest. “Was yesterday a dream?”
“No. At least I hope not because I felt like it was the start of something pretty special. I know you’re worried about what will come but all I ask is for a chance to prove myself.”
“You don’t have anything to prove.” Doesn’t he get it? He’s already got me. He’s the one I want and I’ve only been fooling myself to think we could be just friends this long.
“I want to do this right. I want to take you to dinner. Hold your hand. Listen to you complain about your boss when you’ve had a bad day. All of it.”
My heart is dancing hearing him describe everything I’ve ever wanted. But as usual, reality intrudes.
“I want all those things you described but I’m worried about what happens when the campaign is over. We live very different lives. You’re a rich, famous guy and I’m a small town girl. It feels like a fairy tale now but what happens when the clock strikes twelve?”
He shakes his head. “You’re right that we’re different. But different doesn’t mean impossible.”
I feel like he’s deliberately missing my point. “Can you really see me at one of your fashion shows? On the red carpet with you? I don’t fit into your world.”
“My world is what I make it. I can give that all up and live happily for the rest of my life on the money I already have.”
“That’s not what I want. You enjoy your work just like I do. I would never want you to give that up for me.”
Andre leans his forehead against mine. When we’re together like this, it’s so easy to forget about the outside world. But that world is always going to be there.
Doesn’t he understand that I’m just trying to protect the both of us? I know what it feels like to be heartbroken and humiliated. It’s funny, even though he’s the one in the public eye, he doesn’t understand how vicious people can be when you fall from grace. I do.
“We tried to be just friends and I don’t know about you, but I was miserable. We did things backward from the start so lets try something different. Spend the next few days with me. Go to work and be the
amazing career woman that you are. But then spend your evenings with me. Get to know me and let me get to know you.”
“You want to date?”
He leans back and looks me dead in the eye. “I want to be the man in your life. The one who won’t let you down.”
19
* * *
Even though she lets it go, I can tell she’s still worried. But her expressive face revealed her true secrets as she told me about the asshole she dated in college. What happened to her may be different from what happened to her mother, but I’m sure it felt much the same. To be abandoned by someone you trusted and treated like you aren’t good enough would make anyone wary.
I don’t want her to ever feel that way again.
Like I told her, things have been backward from the start with us. Sex, then friendship, then sex. But it’s important to me that I show her she matters. That the way we started isn’t going to determine how our relationship ends. That she can count on me to be honest and to stick around.
I know there will be some hard times ahead. People who won’t be happy to see us together and I’m sure my mother will be at the top of that list. But none of those things should keep two people who care about each other apart. I plan to spend the next few days showing her how a man is supposed to treat the lady in his life.
She deserves that.
As we agreed, Friday after work Casey comes directly to the penthouse.
“Hey. How was your day?”
“Excellent. I got you something for our date Saturday night.” I go back to my room and then come back carrying the dress carefully.
“You didn’t,” she breathes.
“I did. It’s a sample gown I had altered by one of the junior designers. You’ll be the first to wear a dress from our new evening wear line. I’m taking you to the symphony tomorrow night.”
There’s a heated look in her eyes as she undresses right there in the living room. As she steps into the dress, it flows over her curves like water.