They had to borrow Conor's truck in order to take Caitlin and her car seat with them, and the whole endeavor took much longer than either woman would have guessed. Even though they spent a lot of time with Caitlin, they didn’t often take her to a place where she would have to keep relatively quiet. This constraint forced them to tote books, toys, stuffed animals and a baggie full of Cheerios along with the usual diapers, change of clothes, and bottles of breast milk and water.
Caitlin looked quite adorable today, as was her norm. She was wearing a bright yellow dress with an embroidered duck stitched on a little white pique inset on the front that matched the little ducks marching around the cuffs of her white socks. She also had a white pique hat, but Ryan knew it would never rest on her head, given that it was currently being shaken violently by her little pink hand. Tiny black slippers covered her feet, and Ryan also assumed these would not remain in place for long. She recalled how Conor had described her antics as a child in church and thought wryly, It's payback time.
The O'Flahertys had been members of St. Phillip Parish since Brendan was born. Martin and Fionnuala had actually met at Old St. Patrick's near downtown, but when they bought their little house in Noe Valley, they quickly became visible members of the community. All four children had attended the grammar school, and each one had been a standout in some pursuit. They had all participated in the various athletic teams that the school sponsored, and Rory had been a member of the band. Fionnuala had been very involved in the parish, and Martin had kept up his involvement as much as possible after her death. He and Brendan still attended Mass every Sunday, but Conor and Rory had become Christmas and Easter Catholics. Ryan was somewhere in the middle; she had been quite devout as a child, and had been a member of the children's choir and an acolyte until she was in high school. But after she came out as a lesbian and began to study the church’s position on homosexuality and the ordination of women, she did not like what she found. Her cousin Michael’s illness had also been an influence in her disenchantment, as she considered it unconscionable to prohibit the use of condoms, even by married couples. Still, even though she was feeling quite alienated, she had been sincere in her wish to spend more time in communal worship, and she was grateful that Jamie was so willing to try to acclimate to the Catholic Mass.
The 9:30 Mass was designed with families in mind. A large number of children were present for the service and no one seemed to mind all of the screaming babies. Ryan had not been in the church since Christmas, and she had probably not been to the family Mass since she sang in the choir. She was pleased to see that they had made some rather significant changes since she was last there. The piano began to play the opening hymn, and she was delighted to see that the lectors were relatively young children. They were probably in seventh or eighth grade, and they looked adorable processing into the church in front of the priest, with the first young woman holding the Bible over her head for all to see.
A nice breeze was coming in through the door they had been careful to sit by, and everything went well until Mass began. But as soon as people settled in their seats, Caitlin tired of the inactivity. They had only been sitting for 15 minutes, but she was ready to go, and Brendan's gentle coaxing did nothing to ameliorate her unhappiness. When he was out of ideas, Brendan made eye contact with his sister and gladly passed his little charge off to her.
Ryan held her up high on her chest so she could see over the standing congregation. She knew the opening hymn by heart, and Caitlin was entertained so long as the song went on. She watched Ryan sing with an enthralled look on her sweet face, and when her cousin would pause between verses, Caitlin patted her cheek, possibly trying to get the sound to come back out. But when the song was finished, she had no use for sitting in a pew listening to people read aloud. When it became clear that she was not going to quiet down, Ryan slipped out the exit and took her for a walk around the outside of the church. This went quite well, and she was most entertained during this little interlude. They kept passing back and forth in front of the open doors so that Ryan could have a small semblance of the church experience; she managed to catch about 25 percent of the sermon. As the collection plate was passed down the aisles she decided to try sitting again, and they made their way back inside.
When they entered the pew, Jamie lifted the wiggling baby from Ryan's arms and took over for a while. The change of control kept her occupied for a few minutes, but she quickly grew restless again. Jamie was about to take her out again, but when the priest began to recite the Eucharistic Prayer, he invited all of the children to come up into the sanctuary to be a part of the ceremony. Jamie looked at Ryan with a raised eyebrow and Ryan shrugged her shoulders in agreement, hoping that she would not regret her decision. They both stood and joined about 50 others as they gathered around the altar. Many adults had small children in their arms, some much smaller than Caitlin, and a good number of the grade-school-aged children came up alone. The prayer lasted about twelve minutes and the baby was passed back and forth at least once per minute through the entire prayer. Wherever she was, she wanted the other. As soon as Ryan had her, she would lean towards Jamie with a pathetic look on her face and hold her little arms out until she became irresistible. Jamie would reach out and take her, but within 30 seconds she would go through the same dramatic act with Ryan as the intended audience. They took her behavior with good humor, realizing that she was just acting her age, and both being thankful that she wasn’t wailing.
At the end of the prayer, everyone who could spare one joined hands to sing the Lord's Prayer. Caitlin liked this quite a bit, since she got to watch Ryan sing again. She sat in her arms, facing her, with her little face mere inches from Ryan's. She would occasionally pat her hand over Ryan's mouth, trying to find out how much control she had over the sound. Jamie found the scene truly precious as she watched Caitlin giggle and play with her big cousin.
At the end of the song the priest offered them all the sign of peace and asked them to offer it to the others in the community. The tradition was to either shake hands or hug or kiss your fellow parishioners. Obviously, most people chose to shake hands, but most couples and their children kissed one another. Ryan slid an arm around her partner and gave her a chaste, but heartfelt kiss. She dipped Caitlin down so that she could kiss Jamie, which she did with much more enthusiasm than her older cousin had shown. Caitlin's new trick was to place her chubby little hands on their cheeks and pull them in for a big, wet one. Jamie grasped her and turned her around so Ryan could receive the same bath. They both chuckled as they wiped their faces and shook the hands of the people around them. When they returned to their seats they all kissed Brendan, with varying degrees of moisture attached, then turned to greet the people sitting around them. Thankfully, Jamie was holding the baby when Ryan turned to her left and extended her hand to the woman behind her, for she would have surely dropped the child, such was her shock as she came face to face with Mary Elizabeth Andrews, Sara’s mother.
Ryan had not seen her first love’s mother since the day Mrs. Andrews had gently told Ryan that Sara no longer wanted to see her. Their final meeting flashed into her mind, and she recalled with startling clarity just how empathetic the older woman had been. Ryan had been a fixture at their house since she was in second grade, and it had been obvious that telling the bereft young woman that she was no longer welcome there was hard for Mrs. Andrews. But Ryan subsequently acknowledged that the woman’s first duty was to her daughter, and if Sara demanded that Ryan be turned away, that was obviously what she had to do.
The look of startled surprise on Mrs. Andrews’ face slowly changed into a gentle smile, and she pulled Ryan into a hug, whispering, "It’s good to see you, Ryan."
"You too, Mrs. Andrews," Ryan said softly as she pulled away. Brendan turned and saw the interchange, and to Ryan’s annoyance he turned back towards the altar, refusing to extend his hand to the woman. Ryan gave her an embarrassed shrug and turned around when the priest resumed the service.
&
nbsp; Luckily, the rest of the Mass passed quickly and without incident. Caitlin was greatly entertained during Communion, since everyone had to pass by her. Ryan pointed out all of the other babies, and she eyed all of them critically with her little green eyes. Jamie carried her up to Communion, and Caitlin liked it when the priest touched her head and offered her a blessing. For the next few minutes, she somberly placed her hand on Jamie's head just like the priest had done to her.
There was only about ten minutes to go, and Ryan was feeling pretty good. Jamie handed Caitlin off again, and she seemed quite calm. She began to settle in as though she wanted a short nap, but just before she dozed off she tried to pull Ryan's sweater away from her breast. Ryan sat up in shock as she realized how easy it was to push her v-neck sweater down. She tried to remove Caitlin's determined little hands, but without success. Jamie was practically in stitches from trying not to laugh, and Brendan seemed to be having a tough time controlling himself as well. Ryan frantically dug through her bag and found a bottle, but Caitlin would have none of it. Jamie finally took pity and rescued her partner by taking the baby and the bottle and firmly introducing it into her mouth until she quieted down.
Ryan sat back and relaxed as she watched her lover calm the baby so effortlessly. She just has an instinct for mothering. I don't know where she got it, but it's definitely there. Her thoughts drifted to Mrs. Andrews, and she wondered if she would linger to speak with them after Mass. I think she caught the cold shoulder that Brendan so obviously gave her, Ryan thought with a little annoyance. She loved that her brother cared for her, but she really didn’t need for him to fight this battle for her, and she wished he’d just let bygones be bygones. Caitlin was nested down in Jamie's arms, holding the bottle in her own small hands as she sucked lustily. Her eyes were half closed, in that twilight state that nursing babies entered, and Jamie looked very serene as she gently rocked her. She looked up and caught Ryan’s adoring gaze, and she reached over and grasped her hand, silently sharing the moment.
As the closing song finished, they all breathed a sigh of relief as the congregation began to file out. Caitlin was only half finished with her bottle, so Brendan offered to go get the truck ready and bring it up alongside the side door when the crowd had thinned. Ryan sat peacefully, watching her partner with a look of pure love on her face. Jamie looked up at her as they once again locked gazes, the emotion that passed between them nearly palpable. She reached out and tenderly touched Ryan's cheek, patting it softly as her thumb brushed across the smooth surface. She looked back down to adjust the bottle and heard a soft voice over her shoulder say, "Hello, Ryan." Mrs. Andrews pointed at the baby and asked, "Is this your niece?"
"No, no it’s not," Ryan said, obviously having trouble getting her bearings.
"Oh, I just assumed that this was your brother's wife and child," she said pleasantly.
For some reason that comment knocked Ryan right back into her normal self. "No, Mrs. Andrews," she said as her color came back and her normal self-confidence returned. "I'd like to introduce you to my partner. This is Jamie Evans. Jamie, this is Mrs. Andrews, Sara's mother," she said pointedly.
There was a long moment when Ryan feared that Jamie would repeat her brother’s rudeness, but her normal grace returned and she pasted a forced smile onto her face and said, "I'm pleased to meet you."
Now it was Mrs. Andrews’ turn to look uncomfortable. "Is this your child, Jamie?" she asked tentatively.
"No," she laughed. "Ryan and I aren't quite ready to start our family yet. This is Ryan's cousin, Caitlin," she said proudly.
"Oh...I....see," she said as she fumbled for words. "Do you live in the city, Ryan? I haven’t seen you in the neighborhood or at church in so many years I thought…"
"I lived at home until just a week ago," Ryan said. "We must just not patronize the same stores." She remembered that the Andrews had always been a step or two higher on the economic ladder than most of the parishioners of St. Philip’s, and she reasoned that they might not shop at the same discount stores that the O’Flahertys frequented. "Jamie and I live in Berkeley and spend our weekends here with my family."
"Really?" she asked. "Are you in graduate school there?"
"No," she replied with an easy grin. "It's taken me a bit longer than I had planned to graduate from college. I went to USF for my first two years, then I transferred to Berkeley last year."
"Oh…I thought you were going to Berkeley originally," she said with an unreadable expression on her face.
"I had planned on it, but I wasn't able to keep my grades up senior year. I was forced off the athletic teams by the other students once they learned I was gay, so my scholarship offers were rescinded," she said with an even tone, neither her voice nor her eyes revealing the depths of the pain this wrong had caused her.
Mrs. Andrew’s face dropped and actually became a little flushed as Ryan recounted her story. "Oh, Ryan," she said as she shook her head, "I'm so sorry that had to happen. You didn’t deserve that type of treatment."
A small smile lit up Ryan’s face as she said, "I’ll concede that it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through, except for my mother's death, of course. But if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing. If I hadn't been so delayed in finishing school, I never would have met Jamie." She turned and looked her directly in the eye, holding her gaze. "She is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. So anything I had to endure to win her heart was well worth it."
Jamie beamed up at her and took her hand as she squeezed it tenderly. "So, what's Sara up to?" Ryan asked as the bottle fell from Caitlin's limp grasp.
"Oh," Mrs. Andrews said, somewhat surprised, "I assumed that you knew she had gone to law school. Her father and I attended her graduation from Stanford just last weekend," she said proudly.
"Small world, isn't it?" Ryan said with a grin to Jamie.
"Pardon?" asked Mrs. Andrews.
"I had no idea that Sara was in law school, much less that she was graduating. I haven't kept up with anyone from high school," she said with another neutral smile.
"Things are going just beautifully for her," she said with more than a hint of pride. "She’s accepted an offer from a very prestigious firm, and it looks like she might be getting engaged soon."
"Really?" Ryan asked, a little surprised by this development.
"Yes. Regrettably, she’s living with her boyfriend, and her father and I are not very happy about it. But Sara isn’t one to be dissuaded once she makes up her mind about something." She laughed gently and smiled at Ryan, patting her hand as she added, "I don’t have to tell you what Sara’s like, Ryan. You were closer to her than anyone."
"Yes," Ryan said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I was." The past tense sounded so harsh, even after all of these years, and Ryan struggled to stay focused on Mrs. Andrew’s part of the conversation.
The older woman saw the hurt in the deep blue eyes and realized that her last remark had been very insensitive. "I’m sorry, Ryan," she said softly. "I’m really and truly sorry that you had to go through that pain. I wish…I just wish I could have done something to make it better."
"It was a tough time, Mrs. Andrews, but as I said, I’m happy with how things turned out."
"Well, I'll be sure to mention that I saw you," she said as she stood to go. "Good luck at Berkeley, Ryan. I'm really happy that things have turned out well for you."
"Thank you," Ryan said politely. "I can’t imagine being happier," she said as she gently lifted Caitlin onto her shoulder and extended her free hand to help Jamie up. "Give Sara my regards," she added as they walked towards the side door.
When they had safely buckled Caitlin's limp body into her car seat they both got into the back seat, squeezing in next to the baby for the short ride. They looked at each other and jointly shook their heads, both a little nonplussed by the interaction. "Did you talk to her?" Brendan asked, unable to even speak the name of the woman he felt had betrayed his sister.
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"Yes, Bren," Ryan replied, patting his broad shoulder. "We spoke for a few minutes."
"Oh," Brendan replied coldly. "I see her all the time at church, but I always go out of my way to leave by a different door. I'm afraid I couldn't be civil to her, and I don't want to chance it."
Ryan leaned over the bucket seat and kissed him on the cheek. "I really appreciate it that you stick up for me, Brendan, but I can handle this."
He nodded briefly, but added, "You couldn’t handle it very well at the time, Sis." His blue eyes were clouded with anger, and Ryan realized that it was a losing effort to try to get him to forgive the woman.
"I truly appreciate that I can count on all of my big brothers," she said sincerely, deciding to let it go.
"You know, Jamie," he said. "The O'Flaherty brothers will take care of you, too. Just tell us who you want to get rid of, and they're gone!"
"I could have used you last year to get rid of my roommate," she teased. "But I don't currently have a hit list."
"So, did you give her an earful?" Brendan asked hopefully.
"No, of course not. I owe Sara and her mother an eternal debt of gratitude."
"Well, I don't think you owe them a darn thing," Jamie said. "I find it unconscionable to turn your back on a hurt and confused 17-year-old. I don't care what the circumstances were. You figure out a way to stay connected with the child, even if it's difficult. I blame Mrs. Andrews much more than I do Sara. She was old enough to know better."
"Hear, hear!" Brendan said enthusiastically. "My sentiments, exactly."
Ryan smiled at the thought that she hadn’t just gained a lover: she now had another member of her protection squad. "The funny part is that Sara went to Stanford for law school. She's in the same class as Jamie's former fiancé."
"Great. More lawyers," he said with a decided lack of enthusiasm.
Disclosures - SF4 Page 25