Disclosures - SF4

by Meagher, Susan X

  "She convinced me that it had been a big mistake," Sara muttered, obviously angry with both herself and her mother. "She said that Ryan had acted really inappropriately with me, and she stressed that I was not like that." Thinking that Jamie had probably been taken in by her mother’s delusions about a fiancé, she added, "I was, and I am, like that, Jamie."

  Jamie nodded slightly, now even more disturbed by the perfume that still lingered on Ryan’s body. As she felt her partner tense, it was Ryan’s turn to comfort Jamie, squeezing her thigh gently.

  "I honestly thought that if I could get away from Ryan, I could get away from these feelings." She dropped her head into her hands and mumbled, "Part of me still believes that."

  "Is that why you’ve never tried to contact me?" Ryan’s face was an unreadable mask, but Jamie knew her well enough to know that she was consciously trying to hide her hurt.

  Sara nodded, her brown hair barely moving across her shoulders. "I didn’t…I don’t…want to be gay," she sighed.

  Jamie gave her a look that was filled with empathy, having been through the same dilemma just a short while before. Sara straightened her shoulders and looked at Ryan once again. "I didn’t come here to talk about myself. I want to know about you. Tell me what happened after…the incident."

  Ryan took a breath and decided to tell the unvarnished truth. "I went off the deep end," she admitted. "My father sent me to Ireland for the summer and by the time I got back, I had gotten it clear in my mind that I was a lesbian. But I so was ashamed of myself that I kept it secret from my family. I started to hang out on Castro and I got in with a much older crowd. I started drinking and having sex with a lot of strangers. It was the lowest point of my life," she said, looking up at Sara with sad blue eyes.

  Jamie reached out and laid her hand over Ryan's. She slowly closed her fingers and held Ryan's hand in hers in a show of support.

  Ryan gave her a slow smile and continued, "My first semester grades came and this was the first tangible sign that Da could use to get through to me. I had a C minus average that term and I thought he would die of shock."

  "But Ryan, you were always a straight A student! School was so easy for you!"

  "I didn't do any homework, Sara. I didn’t turn in papers or study for tests. Actually a C minus is pretty good considering how little I did. I honestly didn't care if I finished school at all at that point. I just wanted to drink and screw the pain away."

  Sara gazed straight into her eyes and said, "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I can't say it enough, even though I know it doesn't change anything."

  Ryan smiled gently and continued with her story. "Brendan finally got through to me. I honestly think he saved my life. He sat me down and would not let me leave until I told him what was wrong. He was so supportive and soon afterward I told the other boys and Da and Aunt Maeve. They were all great about it, and I started to get back to my normal self. But none of the coaches that were recruiting me felt confident enough to waste a scholarship on me, especially after I was forced to quit every team. I still don’t understand why I didn’t make an attempt to get an academic scholarship to Cal or even Stanford, but I just didn’t. Da thinks I was punishing myself, but in retrospect I think I was clinically depressed. The thought of going to Cal and not playing on the soccer team was just too painful, so I didn’t even try to get a scholarship. I worked full time for two years and then I enrolled at USF. I transferred to Cal last year, and now I'm on track to graduate this June."

  "You worked full time right out of high school?" she asked incredulously. "What kind of job can you get in San Francisco without a college degree?"

  "I went to school to become a personal trainer," she said with a justifiable amount of pride. "I've done well with it, too. I still do it at a gym here in Berkeley."

  Sara looked confused for a moment and asked, "Something just registered. Did you say you were forced off your teams? What do you mean by that?"

  "Because the girls didn't want me on them anymore after they found out I was gay. I just didn't have the strength to fight anymore, so I quit."

  "After all that had happened, why did you tell everyone?" she asked, clearly confused.

  "I didn't tell a soul, Sara. You did," she said somberly.

  Sara jumped up from her place on the sofa. She stood above Ryan, shaking from head to toe. "Ryan! I did no such thing! I never told anyone at school or any of my friends. I would never betray you like that!"

  "Then how did they find out?" she asked, unsure if her friend was telling the truth.

  "I swear I did not tell one other soul, Ryan." Sara was shaking from a combination of shame and rage. "There's only one other person who knew. If you didn’t tell, it had to be my mother."

  Ryan looked as puzzled as Sara did angry. "But why?" she asked sadly. "Why would she do that to me?"

  A cold fury settled on Sara’s face and she vowed, "I don’t know why, but I’m going to find out." She turned on her heel and strode towards the door, surprised when Ryan caught up to her before she got a hand on the doorknob.

  "Don’t." Ryan’s tone was firm and Sara stopped completely, her shoulders sagging as she let the feelings in.

  She turned and fell into Ryan’s arms again, another round of tears on the way. Ryan shot a helpless glance at Jamie, who gave her an encouraging nod, now feeling somewhat satisfied that Sara’s perfume clung to her partner because of Ryan’s desire to comfort her.

  "I’m sorry," Sara gasped. "I just…I’m just so damned sorry!"

  "It’s okay, Sara," Ryan soothed, guiding her back to the love seat. Sara dropped down rather gracelessly, wiping her eyes with her hands. Ryan dashed into the kitchen and brought her a fresh box of tissues and a Pepsi. "Are you still a Pepsi fan?" she asked softly, offering the drink.

  A fresh round of tears met this small remembrance, and Sara reached out a shaking hand to take the can. After a few long sips she regained her composure and looked at both Ryan and Jamie with a good deal of embarrassment. "I know it must seem like I’m emotionally unstable, but I swear this is an anomaly for me."

  "I can vouch for her, Jamie," Ryan said with a fond gaze in her friend’s direction. "I’ve only seen her this way once before."

  Sara gave her a puzzled glance and Ryan smiled back at her. "When Fluffy died," she reminded her, referring to Sara’s beloved Himalayan cat that had passed away when she was in seventh grade.

  A fond smile greeted this memory. "I think this is worse than that, Ryan," she said with a small laugh. "Although Fluffy was pretty special," she added for the record.

  A fond, meaningful gaze passed between the two women, and Jamie realized with a stab of regret that these two would always have a bond that she would never be able to share. She fervently wished that it was she who had known the young Ryan, who had watched her mature into a young woman. She felt a sting of anger at Sara for letting the opportunity to love this extraordinary creature slip through her fingers, but she stopped short when she realized that if that had happened, Ryan surely would not have been available to her. In a completely selfless musing she thought, I would give her up if that could spare her the pain that Sara caused her. If I could turn back time, I swear I would make Sara face the truth and love Ryan like she deserved to be loved. But she knew that she could not change the past. All that she could do was help her lover get through the pain—and promise that she would never cause her similar sorrow.

  "I know you want to confront your mother about all of this, Sara, but please don’t do it while you’re so upset. Give yourself some time to calm down first. Please."

  Sara nodded, agreeing with Ryan’s advice. "I don’t relish the thought of bringing all of this up while I’m supposed to be studying for the bar exam anyway," she said with a shudder. "It’s in less than a month!"

  There was an uncomfortable silence that stretched on for a few minutes. Looking down at her partner, Jamie could see that Ryan was deep in thought. After a moment the pensive woman looked over at Sara and asked, "Something
doesn’t seem right here."

  Sara’s brow furrowed and she cocked her head slightly, looking to Ryan to elaborate.

  "If your mother intentionally spread the information about me, why would she tell you about seeing me in church? That just doesn’t make any sense." One thing Jamie had learned long ago was that Ryan could not tolerate situations that did not seem logical. Knowing Ryan, this lack of logic would bother her nearly as much as the betrayal.

  Sara paused as she considered the question. It didn’t make any sense, viewed from that perspective, and she had to admit that the inconsistency bothered her. "You’re right, Ryan," she said slowly, twirling a lock of hair around her index finger, in a gesture achingly familiar to Ryan. "When I think about it, though, she didn’t tell me voluntarily."

  "What do you mean?" Ryan asked.

  "Well, I was at her house on Sunday. I chose not to go to Mass with her, and when she came back, she was acting so upset that it was obvious that something momentous had happened. She didn’t want to tell me what it was, but she was so upset that she couldn’t stop herself."

  "What did she say?" Jamie asked, sitting on the edge of the chair.

  "She said," Sara looked up to the ceiling, trying to remember the exact words. "She said that she had seen Ryan in church. I must have looked as shocked as she did, because we hadn’t really spoken your name since that horrible week."

  Ryan did not have to ask for clarification on which week that was. "Go on," she urged.

  "I jumped in and started asking a million questions, but all she said was that you were living in Berkeley and were still in undergrad."

  "She didn’t tell you any of the details I told her?"

  "No. She said that things had been tough for you, but that you seemed fine now."

  "Why wouldn’t she tell you about Jamie?" Ryan mused. "I would think she would at least mention her."

  "I don’t know," she muttered, "but I am going to find out, Ryan. For both of us."

  "Hey," Ryan said, in a no-nonsense tone. "I don’t need for you to fight this battle for me, Sara. I’m perfectly able to go to your house and ask your mom directly. And I plan on doing just that." Her entire demeanor was resolute, and Jamie knew that her partner would get to the bottom of the story, one way or another.

  "I know you can take care of yourself, Ryan. You always could." The look Sara gave her old friend was filled with warmth, recalling the many escapades that Ryan had seamlessly extricated them both from.

  "I’ll get to the bottom of this, Sara. I’m the one that was harmed—I’ve got to be the one to figure it out. Besides, you’ve got your hands full right now. Studying for the bar must be a real grind."

  She blew out a breath. "Yeah, it’s hard, but once it’s over I can relax for a couple of weeks."

  "What are you doing after the bar exam?" Jamie asked, trying to keep up her end of the conversation.

  "I'm going to work for a firm in the city," she said. "Morris and Foster."

  Jamie's mouth dropped as Ryan squeezed her thigh and said, "Jamie has some connections to Morris and Foster."

  "Really?" Sara asked. "Do you know someone who works there?"

  Jamie was still not able to speak so Ryan continued. "A good friend of hers from Stanford is going there. Do you know Jack Townsend?"

  A look of complete understanding crossed Sara's features. "You did say your name was Evans, didn't you?"

  "'Fraid so," she admitted with a blush.

  "And your father is James Evans, right?"

  "Yep," she said with a shrug.

  "I guess we all know more about each other than we thought, huh?" she finally said with a chuckle. "Although I would not have guessed the real reason that you and Jack broke up was because you were in love with my Ryan," she said with a laugh. Seeing the fire flare up in Jamie's eyes, she quickly backtracked, "I didn't mean that the way it sounded, Jamie. I just....I ....well, there's no excuse for referring to Ryan that way. She could have been mine once, but I blew it, and Ryan’s made it clear that I'll never get another chance. I really hope everything works out for you two," she said as she stood to leave.

  Ryan came over and gave her a small hug and said, "I really appreciate that you came over, Sara. I mean that," she said sincerely.

  Sara looked up into her deep blue eyes and returned the hug. "I still can't get over how this all worked out, Ryan. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that you realize I never meant to hurt you."

  She took Jamie's hand and shook it lightly, "It's good to meet you, Jamie. Take care of Ryan, she's…well, you obviously know how lucky you are." With that, she turned and left through the door that Ryan had opened.

  Ryan crossed over to the sofa and threw herself down on it. Jamie followed her, but before she could speak, Ryan made a request. "Can I have a few minutes?" she asked. "I just need a little time to gather my thoughts."

  Jamie went to the kitchen without saying another word, taking a bottle from the refrigerator. Walking out into the yard, she sat in the watery sun sipping her beer as she contemplated the events of the day. What's that prayer I used to like? God gives us this day as a gift. We'll never have another gift just like this one again. She smirked to herself as she thought, And to that I say, Amen! Another day like this would kill me!

  About a half hour later Ryan wandered out into the back yard with her own beer in hand. Jamie smiled up at her as she patted the seat of the large wooden bench that sat beneath the arbor of white roses.

  Ryan sat down and draped her arm around her partner's shoulders. "Some day, huh?" she asked, taking a long pull on her bottle.

  "Let's just say that if we are expecting any more like this, we had better order in some more beer," she warned with a wan smile.

  Ryan squeezed her tighter and said, "Are you ready to hear my tale?"

  "I'm all ears," she said as she dropped her head to Ryan's chest.

  Ryan took in a deep breath, the barrage of thoughts and feelings nearly overwhelming her ability to stay focused. "I’ve got a lot to tell you, Babe," she acknowledged. "The things that happened today cleared a lot of things up for me, and gave me some answers to questions that have haunted me for years." She shook her dark head, reminding herself to get to the most important issue. "I think some things are going to be easier for me now, Jamie," she said thoughtfully.

  Unexpectedly, she placed her beer on the ground and slid off the bench, landing on her knees. Her large, strong hands reached out to grasp Jamie’s, holding them gently while she looked deeply into her eyes. "Even though I think the events of this afternoon will help heal some wounds for me, I swear that I would have turned Sara away if I had any idea that her visit would hurt you. I would take back the confusion and the hurt ten times over to avoid seeing this pain in your eyes." Her guilt-filled blue eyes blinked shut, and she struggled to hold her tears inside. "I’d do anything to spare you pain, Jamie, and I despise that I didn’t consider that you could be hurt by this. I’m so very sorry." She hung her head in shame, the dark tresses shifting forward to shroud her face.

  Reaching out to lift her chin, Jamie leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Ryan’s lips. "You haven’t done anything wrong, Ryan."

  "But you don’t even know what happened…" Ryan began, but Jamie silenced her by placing the tips of her fingers to her lips.

  "It doesn’t matter what happened, Sweetheart. No matter what you did, I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me—I trust you, Ryan."

  Ryan’s head dropped into Jamie’s lap and she nuzzled her head against her muscular thighs for a few minutes, soaking up the overpowering feeling of complete love that her partner offered her so willingly.

  "Come sit by me and tell me what happened," Jamie said softly.

  With a deep sigh, Ryan got to her feet and snuggled back against her lover. "Okay," she began, obviously still trying to sort her thoughts out. "When Sara came to the door, she broke down in tears nearly the second I opened it. Something about those tears broke something in me, and I s
wear we cried together for what seemed like forever. I was so drained that I finally sat down on the couch and we held each other until we could get control of ourselves again."

  Jamie looked up with a big smile and let out a sigh of relief. "That makes perfect sense, Ryan. I know you don't have it in you to be unkind to anyone. I should have known that you had a perfectly innocent explanation for why you smelled of her perfume."

  Ryan wished that she could leave it at that, but she couldn't. "That's not all that happened, Honey," she admitted. "I don't want to tell you this because I know it will hurt you, but I can't lie to you, Honey."

  She sat up straight on the bench and faced Ryan directly. "Tell me," she said softly.

  "After we calmed down, she…she leaned over and kissed me," Ryan said softly. "And I let her."

  Jamie looked at her with wide, unblinking eyes. She concentrated on keeping her breathing even as she asked the only question that mattered, "Why?"

  Ryan closed her eyes and let her mind focus on the question. After a long pause, she finally answered, "I honestly felt like I was 17 years old," she admitted. "I've never had a flashback like that in my life. I felt like we were in Sara's room and I was making love to her. But this time she wasn't reticent about it. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. When she kissed me, I swear I could feel some of the pain and the betrayal just flow from my body. I have no other way to explain it, Jamie. It was a deeply healing moment for me. I just despise that I've caused you pain because of it."

  "Did you want her to make love to you today?" she asked in a wavering voice.

  "No, Baby, no!" Ryan’s head was shaking forcefully. "I wanted her to make love to me six years ago. When it dawned on me that this was 1999 and you were my spouse, I pushed her away immediately. I told her that I was married to you, Jamie. I told her that I could never do anything to hurt you, and she immediately backed off. It was over as soon as I told her that, Honey. I just wish that I'd had the presence of mind to tell her sooner."

  A very heavy sigh left Jamie’s lungs, and she struggled to focus on obviously contrite Ryan was. "I wish you had, too, Ryan. I…I’m having a hard time getting my mind around this. It’s gonna take me a little while."