by Deanna Chase
“I’m guessing that’s not a love letter.”
Killian reached up to take it.
“STOP!”
He raised his hands in apology.
“We want the bad guys to be mad at the right people. We just need to glean what info we can before they show up.”
Killian stood on his tiptoes, “It reads, ‘Your reign of terror is at an end’ and then it has a symbol.”
I ran back to the desk and stole a quill and the ink well. I ran back to the crate and sketched the symbol on the back of my hand. Satisfied I pretty much captured the gist of the mark, I turned to Killian, “I know a guy who is an expert in symbols.”
“Back to Earth?”
“Back, my friend, to Earth.”
Chapter 24
As soon as we arrived, I found a payphone and dialed Father Killarney’s home number. I was starting to feel kinda nervous about using my cell. Since the vamps appeared to not have been lying about the lion, I was getting a little spooked that maybe they were telling the truth about the official portal monitoring. That, in turn, gave me the old heebie-jeebies about what else they might possibly be tapping.
“Father Killarney? …yes, I will try to go to church on Sunday… Yes… I know…” I sat there silently listening as he read me the riot act about my eternal soul. Finally, I just interrupted, “Listen, I owe you a meal. Can I take you right now? You and Sister Magdalena?”
He got right friendly after that. We made arrangements and about an hour later were sitting in a pub with some pints, listening to a three-piece band, and waiting on our fish and chips orders.
Sister Magdalena was turning my hand in hers to get a better look at the drawing. Father Killarney’s itched his chin thoughtfully, “Well, it is not exactly like what I’ve seen before.”
“I was in a rush. I might have missed a couple strokes.”
Sister Magdalena assured me, “You got the heart of it. The closest match I have seen is an old elfin signature.”
Father Killarney nodded his head in agreement, “Perhaps the Shadow Elves?”
I gave Killian a steely glance, “You holding out on me, partner?”
He held up his palms in innocence.
Shadow Elves were a loose-knit tribe of assassins and mercenaries. They answered to the elfin queen, but barely. Ninjas had nothing on this group. Someone wanted you dead and a shadow elf was on the case, the best you could do is buy a really nice life insurance policy for your survivors, because you didn’t stand a chance.
I stared at my hand, “So what do Shadow Elves, us, and a vampire warehouse all have in common?”
“Uncle Ulrich,” Killian and I said in unison.
“Jinx.”
Killian looked at me mystified.
“Now you give me your beer and you can order yourself a Coke.”
Sister Magdalena shook her head at me, “That’s not exactly how it’s played…”
“It’s close enough,” I said as I pulled Killian’s drink over.
“This is supposed to be fun…?” he asked half-heartedly as he waved the waitress over.
I raised my glass to Father Killarney, but he was too busy chugging down his pint like a frat boy in a shotgunning contest.
“Hey! Hey! Slow down, Father. I’m putting this meal on my AmEx and my credit limit isn’t that high.”
The old priest wiped off his lips with the back of his hand and set down his glass with resolute finality, “I told you I would tell you about your uncle, so it’s time you heard the truth and all of it.”
It was not exactly the turn in the conversation I had expected after telling the guy not to run up my bar tab, but shoot, whatever worked. Killian and I leaned forward in unison, a regular set of Frick and Frack.
“Your uncle and your father were two of the finest boys I’ve ever known. I knew them since they were knee high to a potato.” He ran his finger aside his nose like he was Paul Fucking Newman and this was some big secret that now made us a part of his special club, “I didn’t always live on this side of the border, you know. I baptized those boys. Oh, they were full of mischief. Exactly how two boys should be. Completely devoted to their duties and their ma, though.
“Then came the day that their gifts woke. I had always suspected, but didn’t want to say anything. Your father had more talent than Ulrich. It’s a hard thing for a first born to be outstripped by the second. Ulrich started to think if he just worked hard enough, he could make himself a match for your father on the playing field.”
Father Killarney leaned back, lost in memories, “And sure enough, he almost did. Unfortunately, rather than learning the skills from the light, someone planted a bug in your uncle’s ear about the dark magic. Told him he could have all the power he could want, it wouldn’t take much work at all. He just had to make peace with spilling a bit of blood. They started him off easy enough, killing things mercifully, but that monster grew. Pretty soon he was thinking it would be all right to kill people, and kill them in ways not fit for your worst enemy.
“Your uncle had decided humans had no more soul than a rabbit or a cow. It made the killing easier. When your father realized what he was doing, it was the end. Your father hoped that maybe someday your uncle would come back to us, but then your father fell in love with your mother. Oh, that made Ulrich angry. Your uncle felt it was akin to marrying a goat. He crossed over to wipe your mother from the face of God’s green Earth.”
Father Killarney stared into the bottom of his empty pint, “Fortunately, your uncle couldn’t make portals from this world back to the Other Side. He didn’t have the inner power. And your father had enough clout to ban Ulrich from the legal portals. So, he was trapped. Your father hoped to keep him here long enough for his head to cool, but then your uncle disappeared and there was no finding him. Your father always believed he must have traveled east, to places where they have maintained the studies of magic and mysticism.”
I pulled out the little baggie with the bracelet I lifted off of the ghoul.
“Could he have been working on this?” I asked.
Father Killarney let out a low whistle.
“Well, that’s definitely not a tool for the Lord’s work,” remarked Sister Magdalena dryly.
Father Killarney picked up the baggie with the tine of his fork, holding it out like a stinky polecat skin, “No, he was most definitely not working on this. Dear child, you’d best to be getting rid of this unholy charm as fast as humanly possible.”
“Why? What does it do?”
“It is an old magic from the Other Side,” Sister Magdalena explained, “It lets the evil undead walk in sunshine.”
“Wait, you’re telling me that if some nasty gets around to wearing this, the world’s olly- olly-oxen-free is offline?”
“I am afraid with this bracelet, there are no longer any timeouts,” said Father Killarney. “It isn’t so strong that they can do much, but they can walk in the shaded sun nonetheless.”
“It has your family crest,” Sister Magdalena said as she eyed it cautiously, but then reassured me, “Don’t worry. He can’t make more. This is one of the most complicated spells ever rumored to exist. It is legendary, really. In fact, everyone thought the spells to create it had been lost. Surprise.”
“Your uncle must have brought the bracelet with him when he first came to Earth,” said Father Killarney. “There isn’t enough magic to do it here, thank God. So unless your uncle can cross, he can’t make more.”
“Well, there’s another reason the vampires might like to give him a hand,” I said, hoping there weren’t too many of these lovely little trinkets floating around.
The waitress showed up and placed our baskets of food on the table. I reached over for the catsup and then changed my mind. I didn’t need any more oozing red liquids in my life right now. I grabbed the vinegar instead and sprinkled it generously on my fries. I chewed thoughtfully, the potatoes sticking a little in my throat, “I just don’t get it, though. If my uncle has had these b
racelets since he got trapped here, why did he hold onto them? Why share this particular little bit of magic now?”
“Those vampires must have something he wants very badly.”
I shoved a fry in my mouth to squash down the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“The thing he wants…” I began.
“…is to get to the Other Side,” Father Killarney and I said in unison.
“Jinx,” I said, waving to the waitress, “This man is buying me a beer.”
“Now, the price of that pint comes out of the collection plate, you know. I took a vow of poverty.”
“I’m sure you can expense it from the service fee you’re going to invoice me,” I said as I took the icy glass from the waitress. “So the vampires want my uncle on the Other Side so that he can make more of these creepy little fashion accessories and Ulrich wants to get over to the Other Side because he misses killing my family…” I sipped thoughtfully, “So, some vampires came and visited me last night---”
Father Killarney just about came over the table at me to check my neck.
“Don’t worry! I had backup,” I said, trying to calm him down.
“What are you doing talking to vampires, Maggie?” Father Killarney hissed, making me feel like a sixteen-year old kid who had gotten her first speeding ticket.
“I didn’t WANT to,” I insisted lamely. “They said they were trying to save the world.”
“You know better than that,” Father Killarney chided.
“I kept the crossbow on them the entire time,” reassured Killian.
“They said that there is a new master who is trying to tear down the boundary and they warned me I needed to find a jade lion,” I added. “We think it’s what the Shadow Elves picked up in the warehouse.”
Father Killarney leaned back in his seat with disapproval in his voice, “Never heard of such a thing.”
“Well, whether you’ve heard of it or not, it appears to be real,” I said. I pushed the rest of my fries onto his plate, “I need your help.”
He eyed the fries, trying to decide whether to stay miffed at me for consorting with the enemy, which I feel should be noted that I only did for the survival of the human race, or surrender to the comforts of my salty, fried peace offering. Peace won.
Killian passed him the malt vinegar.
“If you need help with the Northern magic, I’m better than anyone else you’ll find on this side of the pond. But a jade lion…” Father Killarney rubbed his whiskers thoughtfully, “Jade is an eastern material. Lions are guardians, for sure. I’ve got a friend in Chinatown, his name is Xiaoming. He might know…”
“We should pay him a visit,” said Killian and I in unison.
“Waitress, the next round is on this guy,” I called out.
Chapter 25
Old Chinatown is a fun place. It was originally built as a shopping area by the local Asian population. Nowadays, the cobblestone courtyard and little trinket shops serve as a smoke screen for secret Mahjong halls and borderline sweat shops.
We walked down a particularly stinky alley to a tiny, little doorway squeezed tightly between two buildings. The red security gate had some newspaper stuffed in the lock and opened with a gentle push. We walked up the concrete steps to a landing where dusty California succulents sat baking next to two dog-sized lion guards.
I knocked on the aluminum screen door and could hear shuffling feet inside.
When the door opened, I met the eyes of a bitty old man, cigarette burning in the corner of his mouth.
“Xiaoming?”
His sunken chest sported a stained wife-beater and his blue striped boxer shorts had seen better days. You could tell he had dressed up for company, though, because he had managed to throw on a ratty old robe and open-toed slippers to show off his holey socks.
“Come in,” he demanded. “Take off your shoes. You get the dirt in here.”
He appeared to have one vocal level and that was shouting on the same note.
I introduced myself, “Father Killarney said you might be able to help us.”
Xiaoming sat down at the kitchen table and pounded his thighs. The room was filled with sweetly scented incense that made a migraine sufferer out of me. I blinked back the headache and came over, stooping beneath the beaded curtain dividing the kitchen from his sparse living room. Killian was busy looking at an altar over in the corner.
“Don’t touch that, elf!” shouted our host. “You mess up everything!”
Killian backed away, “My apologies.”
“You just a big fat elf with your big fat elf fingers. You sit here.”
He pounded on the seat beside him. Killian dutifully came over, realizing he was no match for this guy.
I pulled out a piece of paper with the sketch on it, deciding permanent Sharpie was probably a bit safer than trying to maintain the drawing through handwashings.
“We were tracking an object…”
“This bad,” Xiaoming stated.
“What?”
“This is bad symbol. What you tracking?”
“A jade lion.”
Xiaoming took a long drag on his cigarette and stared me in the eye.
“Do you know anything about it?” I asked.
“Jade lion cannot leave Other Side. Where you take it?”
“I didn’t take it anywhere!” I protested.
“This elf symbol. You, stinking elf, where you take it?”
Killian leaned forward, “On my family’s honor, we had no knowledge of this theft. This fair lady and I, we wish to restore it to its proper place. But we do not know who stole it or what it even is.”
“You get it back!” Xiaoming barked. “I tell you where it go.”
I gave him a sideways glance, “If you weren’t a friend of Father Killarney, I’d like to tell you where to go.”
He glared back at me, “I the only one who know the truth of jade lion.”
“Obviously not the only one. We’ve got vampires and elves and really shitty extended family after it, too.”
Xiaoming took out his cigarette and pointed a leathery finger at the symbol, “This from Shadow Elf. They not know meaning of jade lion. They only know it thing of power. You say vampire after it?”
“Yes.”
“And ‘shitty family’? They after it, too?”
“Yes.”
“Why you after it?”
I sighed and pointed my thumb at Killian, “Because this elf here hired me to keep the border between Earth and the Other Side from collapsing and, evidently, this little jade lion is something important.”
Xiaoming nodded, “That is a good reason.”
He took a drag off his cigarette and sized me up, “Okay, friend of Father Killarney, I will tell you.” He leaned forward, “This jade lion very old. It comes from China. You know where China is?”
“I am not an idiot, Xiaoming.”
“Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be idiot. It is hard to tell with you white people.”
The elf started to laugh and tried to cover it up as a cough into his sleeve. I elbowed him in the ribs.
“Xiaoming, I’ve got to figure out if I’m hanging with my sister tonight or if I’ve got time to make it back to the portal. Let’s speed through the insults and get to the info part of this conversation.”
“This jade lion protect the Other Side portal to China. It was made by emperor who was a very powerful man. Very strong. Even when old, he does not need dried tiger penis to make the babies.”
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Too much information, Xiaoming.”
“That is how strong emperor is! He have many Shaolin monks to carve this jade lion with their bare hands.”
“You can’t carve jade---”
He cut me off and stared me dead in the eye to make sure I understood the gravity of the claim he was making, “This emperor so powerful, his monks so powerful, they carve jade with their fingernails.”
Alrighty. Jade lion.
Carved out of Shaolin monk fingernails. As awful as it sounds to say, I’d heard of stranger things. I motioned for him to continue.
“He make two lions of strongest elements. One jade. One diamond. They can open or close portal. Jade Lion on Other Side facing Earth. Diamond Lion on Earth facing Other Side. If facing wrong way, portal closed. Facing right way, portal opened. Anyone can make portal. He make it for his son who is not magic.”
Little lights started coming on in my head, “Wait. You’re saying that if you have someone on either side of the boundary with control of these lions, you can just tear right through, no problem?”
“That, white girl, is what I am saying to you. You say the Jade Lion taken by the Shadow Elves? That is better than vampire, but still, not good. You say shitty relatives after it, too. This is bad. You, elf, you get jade lion from Shadow Elves and make safe on Other Side. You, white girl, you get diamond lion.”
“Where is the diamond lion?” I asked.
“I do not know. Somewhere on Earth. Lions cannot cross boundary. He is here on Earth somewhere. You find diamond lion and bring him to me. I take him to China and keep him safe.”
“How can you keep the diamond lion safe? Your security gate doesn’t even shut.”
And then there was a growl from the door. I looked over and the two concrete lions had turned to stare at me in a very non-concrete manner. One of them lifted up his lip to give me a low growl.
My bad.
“Xiaoming, you can’t blame a girl for being nervous about your security when you failed to mention your statuary comes to life.”
He waved at the lions and they returned to their original positions.
“You bring it to me. I take it back to China. I have a passport. You find the diamond lion. And you tell Father Killarney he owe me money from our last poker game.”
“I will certainly tell him that.”
And with that, Xiaoming waved us out. Killian and I rose from our seats and backed out of the room feeling a bit like we had been steamrolled.
Chapter 26
I clicked the little doohickey on my keychain and my car merrily beeped at me. I let out a groan as I saw that there was a parking ticket sitting on my windshield. Why is it every time I try to save a buck and park at a meter instead of the garage, I end up having to pay $40?