“I…” She stops, knowing I’m not going to listen to assurances that she’s okay. Her hands slowly fall away and she meets my eyes, revealing just how bloodshot they really are.
“You can cry, you know,” I tell her, and she presses her lips in a tight line. “It’s okay.”
She shakes her head and a small sound breaks past her lips. She clamps her hand over her mouth to try and tamp it back down, but the dam is broken and she breaks down in nearly silent sobs. I move closer and wrap my arms around her. I faintly feel her nails dig into my back as she hangs onto my shoulders for dear life.
I don’t know how long I sit there holding her, and I honestly don’t care. Eventually she quiets into small hiccups, but instead of pulling away she just gets heavier in my hold. I shift her a bit and lie down, and she immediately pillows her head on my chest and curls close. She won’t let me see her face, and I have to wonder if it’s because she’s embarrassed for breaking down in front of me.
Soon enough her sniffles turn to deep, even breathing and I know she’s fallen back asleep. Part of me thinks I should leave her be, but something in the back of my head nags me not to. Instead, when she rolls over, I turn on my side and lay my arm around her waist. I bury my face in her hair and close my eyes; trying to block out the images replaying in my head and the heartbreaking sound of her in tears, and eventually, I fall asleep with her.
Chapter 22—Fi
August 2102
When I open my eyes I’m surprised to see actual sunlight streaming through my bedroom window. I blink a few times in astonishment, because I never sleep this late. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still no way it’s later than seven, but I’m normally up before the sun. Images from last night come rushing in — waking up from that horrible dream, Flint leaning over me with worry plain on his face, and my consequent breakdown. I realize now why I’ve slept so soundly. Flint’s body has become a protective armor around mine in sleep, and his arm anchors me firmly against his chest. One of his ankles is hooked over the top of one of mine, and my body is pressed snugly into his. I feel the rise and fall of his every inhalation against my back, and I cannot remember when I have ever felt so safe before, or wanted to leave my bed less.
A contented sigh escapes my mouth and I contemplate trying to fall back to sleep. I’m comfortable enough certainly, but I have always been an early riser and I feel the day waiting for me now. Instead, I shift ever so slightly and try to ease my body out from under Flint’s arm. There’s no need to wake him now. I feel bad enough that I woke him last night with my nightmare. Suddenly his hand opens, his fingers spread wide over my ribcage and then go limp again, and I’m lost in thoughts of what would happen if I rolled over and pressed my lips to his instead of sneaking out of bed like a thief. It’s as if our encounter in the library opened floodgates of awareness inside me, and suddenly I’m noticing every touch, every glance between us, and they’re setting me on fire from the inside out.
It isn’t merely physical, either. At first I thought maybe it was just attraction, but it goes so much deeper than that. He offers comfort before I realize I need it, and he helps me before I can even ask. He sees me for who I am, not what I try to show the world. I don’t know when or how this happened, but Flint has become necessary for my happiness. I can’t imagine my life without him in it now, and the thought of having to makes me cold all the way to my bones. Part of me knows I need to tell him how I feel, but I don’t know if maybe I already missed my chance. I realize now might not be the best time to be thinking about this, seeing as how I’m spooned firmly into his lean form on my bed. Not feeling so rational right now. Nope.
I make myself as small as I can and slowly slide my leg out from under Flint’s. Next, I work on maneuvering myself out from under his arm. After a few moments of small shifts and sliding I feel ridiculous, and I’m half convinced he’s feigning sleep and enjoying my struggle. I slide the last few inches away from his body and his arm drops with a small thump to the mattress. He doesn’t move or make a sound and I sigh, then slowly ease the rest of the way out of my bed. Part of me would like to bolt into the hallway in the camisole and boxer shorts I slept in, just to be sure I don’t wake the man still asleep in my bed. However the rational part of my brain makes me cross to my dresser and pull a random tee shirt out of a drawer.
I have the shirt halfway over my head when I hear Flint’s sleep roughened voice. “You do realize the sun hasn’t even had its morning coffee at this hour, right?” I can’t help but jump in surprise.
“I’m sorry! Go back to sleep if you like. I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m always up early.” I stop before I can start to really ramble and take a step towards the door. So close to escaping…
“Oh, there will be no sleep now, love.” He grins and stretches; sighing before sitting up. “I’m up, I need caffeine.” The fine reddish-blond hair on his bare chest catches the sunlight coming in through the window and holds my attention for a beat too long. I tear my gaze away and meet warm, amber eyes filled with humor and affection, and I feel myself grinning despite my embarrassment at being caught ogling him.
I have never wanted to return to my bed so desperately before but I mentally shake myself and say “Well then you should follow me, coffee is this way…” while backing away from my bed and towards the door.
He grins at me. “I’ll meet you out there in a minute.”
I nod and head to the kitchen to get the coffee started. I’m leaning against the counter with what I’m certain is a sappy grin on my face when I hear Flint approaching and turn to him. “How are you so happy this early?” he asks me.
“I’m not always,” I say with a laugh. “I actually feel rested today, though. I haven’t slept that well in months.” I smile at him. “Thank you for last night.”
“Don’t mention it. It was my pleasure,” he says; rubbing his eyes and taking a seat at the kitchen table. He looks like he might say something else but yawns instead.
I don’t talk about my dreams with anyone, but I know Flint won’t think I’m weak and find myself opening up. “I have bad dreams most nights. Normally there’s no going back to sleep for me, and I just get up and go for my run.” I pour the coffee and hand him his mug. “I’m sorry I woke you last night.”
He frowns at my words before nodding his thanks for the coffee. “You can always come talk to me if you have to. Whatever time of the morning.”
I smile at his kindness and look towards the window before I do something ridiculous like tell him I love him. The sky outside is a beautiful shade of blue, and there isn’t a cloud to be found. I look back and see him gulping the scalding coffee as if his life depends on it and I grin. “Would you like to sit outside with me for a while?”
“That sounds nice.” He follows me out the back door and waits to sit until I settle myself on one of the patio chairs. He’s studying my face and looking concerned, and I quirk an eyebrow at him in question. “You have these dreams every single night?”
I consider his question and I’m stunned to realize I didn’t start having nightmares on a regular basis until my parents left the city. I meet his eyes and answer, “Yes, since my parents left, I have them every night.” I’ve been so busy trying to get through each day as it comes, that I haven’t even realized the effect all the stress and worry have had on me.
Not surprisingly, a look of understanding passes over Flint’s face and he squeezes my shoulder. “Like I said...if you ever need to talk, just come find me.”
I surprise myself by saying, “Maybe I will.”
A few minutes later, Flint and I are sitting in companionable silence when I hear rustling and look over to see Sean sneaking around the side of the house. I grit my teeth to hold in an angry shout, and my good mood evaporates with his appearance. He looks up and sees us sitting on the patio and his face goes blank. I open my mouth to speak, but Flint beats me to it. “It’s too early to deal with you right now.”
“I thought I was pretty clear with yo
u last night that I didn’t want to see you here anymore, Sean,” I say, trying to keep calm. I can see him trying to gauge what emotion to portray to get the result he wants from me, and I feel my temper spike as I wonder how long he’s been playing me.
“I wanted to apologize to Eirnin and to you,” he tries, going for sheepish and repentant. I start shaking my head before he even finishes his sentence.
“That isn’t going to work, Sean. How about you try the truth for once?” I say, tired of playing this game with him. He tries to look confused for a moment and then settles with scowling. “I told you I don’t want you here. So let’s try again. Why are you here?” I say.
“Of course you don't. You don't care what happens to any of us anymore. Your only concern lately is for yourself!" he says; glaring at me openly.
Flint looks angrier than I’ve ever seen him. “Sean, I’m only going to warn you one time — Go. Home. Now.”
Sean’s face is purple with anger and his fists are clenched at his sides as he snipes back, "Who the hell do you think you are? I don't take orders from the likes of you! You don't even belong here!"
“You are such a piece of shit,” says Flint, glaring up into Sean’s face. “If anyone doesn’t belong here it’s you, with your constant disrespect and idiotic behavior.”
Sean takes a step towards Flint but stops, possibly remembering Flint’s affinity for fire. "I don't owe you any kind of respect, faery. She might not know where her loyalties lie, but I do. And she won't always be here to protect you by sending me away."
“I didn’t ask you to respect me, you lout. I was referring to taking Fianna, your leader, seriously every once in a damn while.” He stands up, visibly sick of leaning back to look up at Sean. “But while we’re on the topic, where do your loyalties lie? Because it’s pretty obvious they’re not with her.” I get up to put a hand on Flint’s arm and step between the two men.
Looking at Sean’s angry face, I realize I am done with being patient and making excuses for his prejudice. I don’t honestly care if I ever see him again. Keeping my voice steady and calm, I say, “You need to go now, and I'm not kidding when I tell you that I don't ever want you around this house again. If you weren't my blood I would exile you now and not regret it. You won’t get another warning. Get out of here now.”
“Stupid bitch,” Sean mutters. “You will regret this.” And then he disappears back the way he came.
“I thought he’d never leave,” Flint says, but there is no smirk, just a lot of anger in his voice. I look up at him and decide it might be time to go back indoors now.
“I want to check on the kids,” I say without thinking, and see Flint grin at my choice of words.
“You do realize Lumi is centuries old, even though she only appears to be fifteen?”
“I do know,” I say, blushing. “I can’t help thinking of her that way, though.”
Smirk firmly in place now, Flint propels me toward the back door with his hand on the small of my back saying, “Now you, of all people, should know better than that, love.”
Once we get back in the house, Flint goes to get changed while I prepare breakfast for everyone. He comes back into the kitchen in time to see me struggling with a tray laden with bacon, eggs, coffee, juice and more of Ruth’s muffins and takes it from me effortlessly asking, "What — are we feeding the entire city this morning?"
“It’s for Eir and Lumi…and us. Have you seen my brother eat before?” I ask him with a grin.
“I’ve only seen him pick at a muffin.” He chuckles. “But being that tall, I should have figured he didn’t eat like a bird.”
“No, he certainly does not,” I say, still grinning. “Could you take that up to Lumi’s room for me? I need to clean up and get changed.”
“I think you look fine the way you are, love, but I’ll bring it up for you,” he says, and winks at me. I grin at him, feeling a blush spread across my face, and head into my bedroom.
When I reach Lumi’s room there is already a breakfast picnic underway on the bed, and I lean in the doorway, grinning for a moment just taking in the scene. Eir and Lumi are sitting side by side up by the headboard with their shoulders touching, eating off each other’s plates and laughing. I cannot ever remember seeing my brother so happy before. This Winter princess is definitely something special.
Flint is lying on his side across the foot of the bed, eating and watching the duo opposite him with a bemused expression on his face. I look on fondly without them noticing and realize that when I think of family, these are the people who spring to my mind now. And then Flint surprises me by tilting his head back, catching my eyes with his and saying, “Don’t lurk in the doorway, love. Get in here and eat before your brother devours all the food.”
I laugh and go to join them on the bed; situating myself by Flint’s feet. I pick a piece of bacon up off the tray in the middle of the bed and chew as I listen to their easy banter and try not to stare at Flint. My eyes seem to be linked to him by some sort of magnetic force, and I watch as he teases Lumi good-naturedly and laughs with Eir. I am powerless to deny what I’m feeling for him. How did I miss this for so long? Could I really be that oblivious to my own feelings? I shake myself a little to break the spell and prepare to ruin this perfect morning for my brother.
“I had a thought,” I start when there is a lull in the conversation. Flint seems to note the shift in my tone and looks more alert, but Eir is in a happy daze and only nods, so I continue. “I’m worried Sean is going to try something.” I pause and look up to gauge their reactions and find Lumi looking scared and pale, but Eir doesn’t look surprised. “You aren’t going to like this, Eir, but from now on when you leave the house, you’re going to have two guards, just to be safe. And I’m putting another on the house all the time and someone else to stand guard inside, to be sure Lumi is protected as well. And Aodhan will be back later on, of course. I hope you understand I just want you guys to be safe.” I meet both their eyes, and see Lumi swallow and nod to let me know she understands.
“I get it, Fi,” Eir says. “I won’t give you any trouble. On one condition, that is…” I look at him and nod, surprised. “You have to take a guard with you too. Everywhere — no exceptions. Flint told us what Sean said earlier, and I think he’s gunning for you. You didn’t fall in line like he was hoping. No more morning runs with just your daggers for protection. I know you can protect yourself, but I’d prefer it if you had backup anyway,” he says. How can I argue, with the added restrictions I’ve just placed on him?
“Okay,” I say, nodding. “That sounds fair to me. I promise I won’t go off alone anymore if you won’t.”
“It’s a deal,” Eir says and holds my gaze, and I feel a weight lift from my shoulders. Something tells me this new accepting attitude might have something to do with the porcelain featured girl with the midnight blue eyes sitting at his side, and I hide a grin in my coffee cup. I am surprised all over again at how natural it feels to be sitting here with these two faeries and my brother, like this is how it’s meant to be. Before I start getting verbally sentimental with them all, I make myself stand up from the bed with the much lighter tray.
“I’m going to get this mess taken care of. Flint, would you mind sitting with these two until Aodhan shows up later?”
He studies my face for a moment and nods. “Of course.” I smile, murmur my thanks and flee the room before I make a fool of myself.
After cleaning the kitchen and the dishes from breakfast, I realize I have a rare day with nothing planned ahead of me. I wonder if maybe I should do the laundry that’s piling up in the house, or do some baking so Ruth doesn’t feel like she has to keep tabs on us. Sitting at the table with my fourth cup of coffee of the day, I examine and discard both options. I feel like I should be doing something — anything, really — to find the answers we need to free humanity from faery rule. And to be completely honest, I’m not the best baker in the world. There is no reason to subject anyone to my baking if they aren’t
being punished for something. I decide my best course of action is to head to the library and keep looking for Gran’s journals. According to Lumi’s information, they may just hold the key to freedom for humanity.
I also need a distraction from the information Lumi imparted last evening. I’m nowhere near ready to let myself ponder that yet. The knowledge that I was on the estate where my father is being held and left him there to rot in a hole is killing me. I seem to find new and more horrible ways to let him down all the time. Guilt oozes through me when I realize I didn’t even think to ask Lumi about my mother. Surely if my father was there she had to be as well….right? I make myself stop before I can start hyperventilating thinking of all the possibilities, and head up the stairs to the library where I can be calm and forget about everything else for a little while.
I don’t know how many hours I spend rifling through boxes in the library closet, but all I find are a handful of my father’s journals and old photo albums that I set aside to bring back to my room. My shoulders and hips ache from sitting on the floor, I’m dusty, sweaty and exhausted, and there are still at least twenty boxes in the closet to go through. Looking out one of the windows I see the moon is high in the sky, and it might have actually cooled down a bit from this morning. Suddenly all I want is to be outdoors running. I could use the clarity that comes with pushing my body to its physical limits.
Heading downstairs with my arms full of journals and photo albums, I see Aodhan at his post at the second floor landing and nod as I pass. I wonder for a moment if Eir is still in with Lumi, and if I should do anything to break that up, but he’s grown up enough to know his own heart so I keep going down the stairs. I do my best to tread carefully as I pass Flint’s room, not wanting to disturb his sleep for a second night. When I reach my room, I dump the books on my bed and pull my braid up and loop it into a messy bun on the back of my head. I consider asking one of the guards out back to come with me on my run but discard the idea. I’m not going to be long; I’ll be fine. I’m not thinking of anything but getting outside and working the kinks out of my muscles.
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