by L G Dickson
At home that night, Annie worked on a presentation she was giving to law students on the cut and thrust of employment law demonstrating why it was the single most exhilarating specialism the legal profession had to offer. Not exactly the title of her talk but that was the tone she was striving for. It wasn’t an easy task but at least it was a welcome diversion from the tumble of words, the sense of something that she needed to formulate into a coherent and sensitive letter.
The phone rang; it was Kirsty.
‘Annie, darling. Could I pop round to see you sometime this week? Something I’d like to chat through with you. I feel terrible knowing you’ve got all this stuff to deal with – Hugh, Helen, the extraneous child, all that. Unearthed anything else on that front at all?’ She didn’t pause for a reply. ‘It’s just you’re really the only person I can speak to about this, I think.’
‘Of course, Kirst, how about tomorrow?’
‘Great, Duncan’s meeting his brother tomorrow night, would you believe. I’ll be round about seven? Don’t cook anything; I’ll grab a bite before I leave the house.’
The following evening, Annie had set out olives and crisps and chilled a bottle of Sancerre. Bit more expensive than her normal wine choice but she felt she deserved it. She’d lunched with Bryce and a couple of the firm’s more extravagant clients at Cosmo on North Castle Street so wasn’t at all hungry. The upmarket Italian was reputedly a favourite haunt of Sean Connery’s although Annie had been going for years and never managed to cross paths with the great man. She dreamed of standing at the bar and ordering a vodka martini while listening to 007’s deep Edinburgh burr behind her.
The doorbell rang and Annie snapped herself out of her Bond fantasy to go and answer the door. Kirsty stood looking slightly bedraggled. Her unusually pale pallor and disorganised demeanour prompted Annie to ask if she felt okay.
‘I think so, oh I don’t really know.’ She walked into the lounge, coat still on and collapsed onto the sofa. ‘I could really do with a large glass of something, I know that.’
Now it was Kirsty’s turn to spill the beans and for Annie to offer whatever comfort and kind words might help in the circumstances. She poured out two glasses of wine and sat alongside her friend on the sofa.
‘Okay, what’s the problem? You look a bit out of sorts.’
‘I feel terrible coming round here like this with my news when you’ve just got so much to think about.’
‘Honestly, Kirsty, it would be lovely to hear about what’s going on in someone else’s life for a change, believe me.’
Kirsty looked down at the glass in her hands.
‘Thing is, I’m pregnant. Unbelievable really.’
No advance warning; no lead up. She placed the untouched wine back on to the coffee table.
It was such an abrupt announcement, Annie struggled to mask her shock. She didn’t really know why but she had just never imagined the Drummonds having children. After a moment’s hesitation, she replied, ‘Oh, that’s wonderful, Kirsty.’ She regained her composure, quickly put her glass of wine down and embraced her friend. Kirsty sat completely still, almost rigid. Annie realised that ‘wonderful’ perhaps didn’t accurately match her friend’s take on the situation.
‘I mean, it’s a bloody miracle, to be honest.’ Kirsty forthright as ever. ‘Duncan’s usually far too tired or far too pissed to get an erection that lasts more than two minutes never mind go the whole hog and actually impregnate me.’
Annie had to stifle a laugh. ‘But did you mean to get pregnant?’
‘Well, we had talked about it. I mean, you know me, Annie. I’ve never really liked the whole sex thing. I don’t really like the way I look with no clothes on so never thought anyone else would. Suited me down to the ground that Duncan never seemed terribly interested and whenever he did have a go he very rarely finished what he’d started. Honestly, if he’d been one of Dad’s bulls he’d have been turned into burgers years ago. But there we go – pump, pump, squirt and that was it, which, when you think about it, is all you really need from one of your prize specimens.’
She took her friend’s hand. ‘Oh, Kirsty, I’m sorry for laughing.’
Annie felt strangely happy at the thought of a new baby Drummond but the description of poor Duncan’s performance in creating the little thing had left her struggling.
She quickly collected herself. ‘It really is lovely news. Aren’t you both thrilled?’
‘Oh, I don’t know, Annie. I don’t feel as though I have any maternal instincts at all. I just thought if we really wanted to go down the reproduction road then we’d need to start sooner rather than later. Duncan was awfully keen, which is ironic given what I’ve just told you. But decision made and here we are – I just hope I like the thing when it comes out.’
‘Oh, Kirsty, you will. Of course you will.’ Annie wasn’t entirely sure herself. Kirsty had never given any hint that she wanted to be a mother and was often quite rude about other people’s children, complaining to restaurants about unruly youngsters and asking neighbours if they could stop their babies crying in the night. She could only hope for the best.
‘I am a bit worried about telling Virginia.’
Annie smiled sympathetically. Virginia and Gordon had been trying for children for years. Annie had always seen Virginia as the perfect embodiment of Mother Earth and it had come as no surprise that she talked about having babies almost as soon as the forest-themed wedding invitations had hit the doormats. A few years had passed, there was some talk of IVF but then nothing. There was no happy announcement and no further discussion about which room would be turned into the nursery. Virginia had stopped talking about babies.
‘Look, I’m sure she’ll be really happy for you. It’s just how you present it to her, I suppose.’ Not the usual Kirsty in a china shop routine.
‘Well, maybe we could go round together?’
‘Yes, that’s fine; we’ll do that sometime soon. Maybe you should have a cup of tea, Kirst? It’ll be a while before you can start back up on the vino.’
‘Oh, God. Yes, tea would be best. And actually I’m not sure I really fancy the wine. Just so used to having a large one when I feel a bit stressed about anything. That’s when I knew really. After our little session last week, I realised I just wasn’t enjoying the taste. Started to feel a bit off colour and then counted back to see when I’d last had Matilda in. Realised I was late by about three weeks so picked up a pregnancy test and there it was – “in foal” as my mother used to say!’
‘Matilda?’
‘Oh sorry. That’s what Mum used to call her period.’
Oh dear, how on earth was that conversation with Virginia going to go. Annie was feeling anxious already.
‘Well, if it’s that early maybe we should just wait a bit to tell Gin.’
‘Yes, of course, whenever you think. It’ll be you next, Annie, I’ll bet.’
Annie wasn’t sure how to react to that. Children had never featured in her plans. It struck her just then that she was completely ambivalent about the whole thing. She would be supportive to any friends that might find themselves having kids, whether it was finding the right way to respond to Kirsty’s incessant use of animal husbandry terminology when describing the creation of life or, on a completely different level, trying to understand Virginia’s more spiritual take on bringing a new life into the world. But for Annie it seemed that just getting on with life, navigating her way through all its twists and turns, was hard enough. If she could do that with someone to help take the tiller from time to time and with a few fair winds of love and friendship at her back, then she might just stay afloat.
‘I don’t think so, Kirsty. There’s enough going on in my life at the moment. Let’s not overcomplicate matters.’
They spent the rest of the evening catching up and discussing what Annie might say in her l
etter to Céline. Kirsty’s suggestions, such as asking Céline why she couldn’t have just picked up the phone and called Annie to tell her she had a brother, were none too subtle but Annie listened and feigned gratitude. Finally, Kirsty made for home.
‘I do hope it’s going to be the making of Duncan,’ she said putting her coat on. ‘I hope this might be the thing that finally makes him happy.’
‘He’s happy, Kirsty, he’s happy with you. Okay, sometimes he gets a bit too happy but…’
‘No, he’s not, Annie. He’s really quite unhappy. Almost as if he doesn’t quite understand his place in the world, what he’s here for. Hopefully baby Drummond will give him that.’ She smiled as she patted her tummy. ‘As long as Strachan doesn’t get his claws into him.’
‘Him? So you think it’s going to be a boy?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I think I’d like it to be and then we can bring him up to be absolutely nothing like Strachan or Lachlan! And by the way, I’m done with the whole surnames for first names thing. If it is a boy I think we’ll call him Bob.’
‘Oh, Kirsty, I think you’re going to be a great mother.’ They gave each other a hug and agreed to meet up again in a couple of weeks.
Annie had intended writing the letter that night but Kirsty had exhausted her. Her mind was full of baby Drummond and Kirsty’s conflicting emotions. There really was no room for anything else. James rang just as she was getting ready for bed and she told him the news.
‘Well, I didn’t see that one coming, did you? Bet the first thing they do is get the wee thing’s name down for Fettes. Strachan will make sure of that.’
‘Actually I think Kirsty is going to make sure Strachan has very little to do with any decisions about baby.’
‘Easier said than done.’
‘And darling…’
‘Yes?’
‘I had no idea children were on the cards and it’s early days yet so no spilling the beans, particularly to Virginia or Gordon.’
She went to bed and tried to switch her thoughts back to the letter she planned to write. After an age spent tossing and turning she decided on a slightly different course of action. There would still be a letter but not the one she had initially intended. It was a gamble, a bit of a risk, but somehow it felt gentler, kinder. She resolved to talk over her thoughts with James and decided a trip up to see him would be best, for all sorts of reasons. It would do her good to get away from Edinburgh for the weekend just to escape the noise of the city as well as her own thoughts.
She turned her nightlight off but was still restless. Annie had spent her life steering away from turmoil and upset; always trying to find the path of least resistance; holding things together. Ever since her father had left the family home she found change, any kind of change difficult. She had stuck resolutely with the same small group of friends; stayed at the same law firm despite numerous attempts to tempt her away to more lucrative positions. Now everything seemed to be shifting. The loss of Helen, her sense of what family was and what it meant to her; everything was churning around endlessly. Knowing that the Drummonds’ life would change forever also seemed to unnerve her slightly. Of course it was good news but what did it mean for their friendship? Would they all start to drift apart as priorities changed? Was this unsuspecting boy in Switzerland supposed to restore some equilibrium to all these disturbed thoughts and emotions? Did she expect him to fill some void? Was there a void to fill? Was that not all a bit much to lay at the door of a ten year old who was presumably completely oblivious to her very existence?
If only she could just empty her mind completely, just for one night.
*
When she arrived in Assynt the following Friday evening, a surprise awaited her. James had signed a lease for the cottage earlier in the week and had just picked up the keys. She followed his car along the narrow road around the loch until they reached the house. It was exactly as she’d remembered it. As she got out the car Annie breathed in deeply. She felt, once again, the crisp, fresh air slide down into her lungs as she looked out at the tranquil gardens and woodland stretching down from the front of the house to the shores of the loch. This was the ideal place to stop asking questions and chart the way ahead.
‘I can’t believe how much has happened in the short space of time I’ve been up here,’ James remarked as he took Annie’s bag from the boot of her trusty Fiesta. ‘And you’re having to deal with it all on your own.’ With his free arm he pulled her close in to the lapel of his musty tweed jacket.
‘I’m not on my own. I’ve got the gang down there and I’ve got you up here. Whether you’re with me, physically, or not.’ She quickly looked up at him. Just for a second she felt vulnerable, lost again. ‘I have got you. Haven’t I?’
‘Of course you’ve got me.’
He held her in tightly, so tightly she struggled to breathe.
As they turned to walk towards the cottage, hand in hand, Annie felt the tension leave her body.
‘It is strange, though, that I can meander through life for years with very little happening of any great significance and then everything just seems to get completely turned on its head, all at once.’
He said nothing but squeezed her hand. She didn’t know how it was all going to work out but just then, at that moment, she felt safe and reassured and really that was all that mattered.
James had made a massive pot of chilli with enough heat to make her eyes sting accompanied by enough rice to feed all the neighbouring crofts. He poured large glasses of warm Merlot to slosh it all down with and they ate as the sun went down over the loch. As Annie savoured each mouthful she could feel the heat rise through her body; it was a simple but hearty meal.
‘Well, you’ve got a rosy glow.’ James smiled at her across the table as he refilled their glasses.
Annie relaxed back into her chair. ‘I’m just feeling so chilled, finally. This place is like some sort of magnificent de-stress zone. It’s lovely, James. It should be on prescription.’
They sat enjoying the food, talked about the cottage and little else of any note. It was bliss.
‘Let’s finish our wine outside.’ James stretched his hand across the table.
‘But I’m so cosy and warm. It’ll be cold out there.’
‘We’ll wrap up. It won’t be for long.’ James stood up, breaking the spell, and went to the small cupboard at the entrance to the cottage from where he produced two huge padded jackets.
‘I’m going to look ridiculous,’ Annie protested as she disappeared inside the thick mass of fabric.
‘Well, you’re not going out clubbing. The odd deer or otter might have something to say about your state of dress but apart from that, I really don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.’
She smiled sarcastically at him.
They walked gingerly down to the small picnic bench at the bottom of the garden. There was little light from the night sky and James took her hand as they negotiated the narrow stony path. Annie held on tightly to her wine glass with her other hand, making sure not to spill a drop. The absolute stillness and enveloping darkness slightly unnerved her; she just wasn’t used to it. She almost stumbled into the bench before sliding in, relieved to be setting her glass down.
‘I can’t see a thing,’ Annie said peering into the night.
‘Wait a minute. Just let your eyes get adjusted and then look up.’
As she lifted her eyes Annie felt overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of the sparkling canopy above her. ‘Good grief, how can there be so many stars? I didn’t know there were so many. I usually feel so proud of myself when I can spot “Orion” or the “Plough”.’
‘What a townie you are. It’s just because you don’t have all that light pollution up here. There’s nothing to obscure the beauty of the night sky.’ He took her hand again and they sat in silence for a f
ew moments.
In Edinburgh everything had seemed so closed in that she thought her brain was going to explode but here there was space and time, endless amounts of it. All the thoughts and worries that had been churning round didn’t disappear – they just seemed less significant.
James broke the silence. ‘It probably won’t feel like it just now, Annie, but I think this place does give you some perspective. Everything you’re going through, well, it’s just a moment in time, probably not even that when you consider how old some of these stars are. It’ll all become clear and settled soon enough and you’ll move on with the next phase.’
She knew he just wanted it all to be better and not for entirely selfless reasons.
‘Well, I don’t know about that, James. I can’t just neatly package up all these thoughts and feelings and put them behind me but I have been thinking about what to do next. I’ll tell you when we go back in and get comfy – see what you think about my plans for travelling through this little piece of space time!’
He looked slightly crestfallen that she hadn’t wholly bought into his theory for moving on with life but he smiled at her regardless. They clinked their glasses together and drained the last of the wine.
Once back inside James threw a few more logs onto the fire and they settled down into the sunken old sofa.
‘Okay, so what are you thinking?’ he asked, pulling her closer.
‘Well, you know how you said you’d like us to travel once you’d finished your stint up here?’
‘Yes, think I bored you slightly talking about the botanical gardens at Lake Maggiore. Look, here’s the book.’
Annie looked on in disbelief as, from the side of the sofa, out came the massive book he’d been studying so fervently back at home.
‘James, it’s a library book. You’ll be racking up late payment charges.’ With everything else he’d had to cram into his car why on earth lug a weighty tome like that all the way up here?