Kennedy lay on the bed, still in her black dress. She’d managed to slip out of her heels, but that was it.
Night was falling, and as dusk settled around the empty bedroom, her thoughts were filled with Thomas. How they met, the first time he smiled at her, their first kiss. His brilliant smile when she agreed to marry him, the happy tears he shed when she told him she was pregnant.
Today she had said goodbye to him for the last time. In a way, the moment had been surreal. She had stood over his coffin and gazed down at the man she loved more than life. He had looked like her Thomas but not. The expression on his face had been much too bland and peaceful. She was used to Thomas’s light blue eyes twinkling with laughter, his quick smile and animated features. It had been close to four in the afternoon and his beard should already have been showing. Usually, by the time he made it home at night, he needed a shave. His beard had stopped growing. She had touched his face…his skin had felt cold and smooth. Not like her Thomas at all.
Thomas’s mother and sisters had been standing beside her. When Kennedy had asked for a few minutes alone with him, his mother had thrown her the same look she’d been giving her for the last two days—one of accusation.
Kennedy couldn’t deny the blame was well deserved. When she had asked for the mangoes, she hadn’t known that Thomas would have to go across town to get them. Stupid not to have thought about that before she had asked. And Thomas, being Thomas, hadn’t complained. He had put her needs first—just as he had from the moment she met him.
If he hadn’t been in that store, for her, Thomas would still have been alive. God, if only she could go back and relive that one moment. She would have given anything if that had been possible.
Thomas’s family had left right after the funeral. His mother lived in Nebraska, and his four sisters were scattered across the country. They had barely taken the time to say goodbye before they’d marched out the door with their silent condemnation. Thomas had been the baby of their family and the only male. Kennedy had never felt close to any of her in-laws, and now that Thomas was gone, she didn’t see things improving.
Despite her enormous guilt, Kennedy had been glad to see them go. Their resentment might have been warranted, but it had been more than she could handle.
The funeral had been well attended by non-family, too. The church she and Thomas attended each Sunday had always seemed quite large…today, the sanctuary had overflowed with mourners. No surprise. Thomas had been a favorite of many. Not only had his brothers and sisters in blue been in attendance, but also the many friends Thomas had made outside of work. Some she hadn’t even known about. How many times had people come up to her today and told her what Thomas had done for them? She had known her husband was a phenomenal man. She just hadn’t realized how many other people had experienced his wonderfulness.
Nick had been by her side the whole time. She knew he was feeling Thomas’s loss almost as much as she was. She wished she could comfort him, but so far all she felt was a cold numbness that wouldn’t go away.
She and Thomas had made so many plans, had so many dreams. They had a baby on the way and hadn’t even started talking about names. She didn’t even know if it was a girl or a boy. Thomas had said from the start that they were having a girl, and she supposed she had gone along with that because she knew it was what Thomas wanted. And now that baby girl would never know her father. Never know what a wonderful man he had been.
Kennedy twisted on the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. Thankfully, the sickness she’d had the past few months had passed, but the last two days had been stressful on her body. She ached in places she wasn’t used to hurting.
Conversations, soft and muted, reached her ears. There were still people here. Probably the closest of Thomas’s friends. She knew that Julie and probably Kathy Jenkins and Helen Carver were gathered in the kitchen, washing plates and tidying up. The men—Julie’s husband, Hank, Jeremy Jenkins, and David Carver—were most likely in the living room and den, putting furniture back in place. And Nick...yes, Nick would still be here, too. Hurting and grieving.
A soft knock sounded at the door.
“Yes?” Kennedy said, surprised at how weak her voice sounded.
“Hey, it’s Julie. Can I come in?”
Kennedy told herself to get up and answer the door or, at the very least, sit up. She couldn’t make herself do it. She felt listless...so very tired. She called out, “The door’s open.”
Julie entered and then closed the door behind her. “How are you feeling?”
There were so many answers to that question…Kennedy gave the easiest one. “A little tired.”
“I’m sure you’re exhausted. Think you could eat something?”
“Maybe later.”
“Okay, just remember that even if you’re not hungry, you’re eating for someone besides yourself.”
That was true. Kennedy placed her hand over her protruding belly. She still had a part of Thomas with her. A beautiful, precious being that she and Thomas had made with their love for each other. As long as she had that precious gift, she would survive.
“You’re right.” She struggled to rise and only managed to prop herself up against the pillows a little higher. “I must be more tired than I thought.”
“I’ll bring you a tray. Okay?”
“Thanks. I’d appreciate that.”
Julie turned at the door. “By the way, Nick was wanting to come up for a visit. That okay?”
“Absolutely. Tell him to come on up.”
Hopefully, a nourishing meal and a good night’s sleep would help her feel stronger. Sleeping without Thomas had been difficult. In two years of marriage, she had never slept apart from him. The last couple of nights, she had woken and reached for him, thinking she’d had a nightmare about losing him. Then, when she had found nothing but empty space, she had cried uncontrollably and been unable to go back to sleep.
She was scheduled to see her obstetrician tomorrow. Julie had called the doctor the day after Thomas’s death, and he had advised that rest and nourishment were of utmost importance. She had forced herself to comply with both, but she was going in tomorrow just to make sure everything was still okay. The last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize her baby’s health.
Another knock at the door, and she knew that Nick had arrived. His knock had a distinctive sound for some reason.
“Come in.”
The door opened, and Nick’s handsome, unsmiling face appeared, the pain in his eyes mirroring her own.
She waved him in. “Hey. How are you holding up?”
His mouth moved up in a halfhearted attempt at humor. “That’s what I came in to ask you.”
She scooted over slightly and patted the bed. “Come talk to me.”
He sat beside her, took her hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired. Empty. Numb.”
“I’m going to stay in the guest room tonight. That all right with you?”
Gratitude filled her. What a wonderful friend he was, but she shook her head. “Thank you, but I’d really like to be alone tonight.”
His brows drew together in a dark frown. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I—”
She held up her hand. Julie had stayed with her the last two nights, but tonight she felt the need to be by herself.
“I’ll be fine.” She glanced at her cellphone on the bedside table. “I promise, you’ll be the first person I call if I need anyone. It’s just…I really need to be alone tonight.” She shrugged, unable to explain why this night in particular she needed to be by herself.
She could tell he wanted to argue, but thankfully he let it go with, “You need anything…anything at all, you call me. You hear?”
A surge of affection washed over her. “You’re such a good man. Why have you never married?”
“Guess I’ve never found that perfect woman.”
“There is no perfect woman.”
She finally got a grin from him. “Well…
see? There you go.”
“Seriously. Thomas used to say you would never settle down, but I’ve always believed there’s someone for everyone.”
“Maybe.” His awkward shrug showed her he wasn’t quite comfortable with the conversation. Typical guy reaction.
Deciding to let him off the hook, she said, “Thomas was a good man, too, wasn’t he?”
“The very best.”
“Thank you for always being there for him.” A thought occurred to her, puzzling and surprising. “It’s weird. I’ve heard hundreds of stories about the stuff you guys got into while you were in college and when you went through the police academy together, but I don’t think I ever heard how you two met.”
A small smile tilted his mouth. “That’s definitely a story you need to hear. Very dramatic.”
Excited to be hearing a story about Thomas she hadn’t heard yet, she snuggled into her pillow. “Really? What happened?”
“Thomas saved me from a severe ass-whupping.”
Now that was a surprise. Even though Thomas had been a cop, tough when he needed to be, and in good shape, he hadn’t been particularly muscular. Certainly not like Nick, who looked as though he lifted weights on a regular basis. As much as she loved her husband, if it came to a fistfight between the two, she would have put her money on Nick.
“How on earth did he do that?”
Nick shrugged. “It was my first semester at A&M. Back then I was mad at the world and always looking to get into a fight. I was one incident away from losing my scholarship and getting thrown out of school. I didn’t care…didn’t care a whole lot about anything. I mouthed off to the wrong guy and found myself surrounded by three giant jack-offs…uh, I mean, jerks, who were more than eager to pound me into the dirt.”
Fighting a smile at his obvious attempt to clean up his language, she asked, “Thomas helped you fight them?”
“No, nothing like that. He used that wit and charm that was so natural for him. By the time he was through, the guys were laughing, and I was feeling more than a little foolish.”
“And you were friends from then on?”
“Not exactly, but you know the man’s persistence. By the end of that first semester, he’d torn through my tough-guy façade. He was Mr. Optimism, and I was Mr. Grouch, but somehow we became best friends.”
Though his hazel eyes remained solemn, she saw a glint of amusement in them as he added, “He saved my butt in the classroom more than once, too.”
“I always felt a little like that with him.”
“How so?”
“That he saved me.” She shrugged. “For the first time since I was ten years old, I had a family.”
“You still have a family. Thomas’s mother and sisters are—”
She shook her head. “They’re not my family. His mother and sisters blame me for what happened. And they’re right.”
“It damn well wasn’t your fault. It was the fault of some punk kid who couldn’t handle being out of prison.”
Yes, she knew the story behind the man who’d shot Thomas. Miguel Ruiz had gotten out of prison just a few days ago, having served eighteen months for attempted robbery. And, like too many criminals, had reverted back to his old ways. And Thomas had paid the price.
“If I hadn’t asked for the mangoes, Thomas would still be alive.”
“You cannot blame yourself for another person’s evil. What happened was that kid’s fault and no one else’s. Got that?”
Still unconvinced, she nodded, knowing it would do no good to argue her point. Intellectually, she could agree with Nick. Emotionally was another matter.
“You’ve been such a good friend to both me and Thomas. I’m glad you were with him at the end.”
Nick battled with himself to keep from reaching for her. She was trying so hard to be strong and brave. And all he wanted to do was hold her and tell her she didn’t have to be. That he would do it for her…whatever she needed.
“He was still…awake when I got there.”
“He was?”
“Yes, I talked to him.”
She released a shaky breath. “What did he… Did he…” She swallowed hard and tried again. “Did he say anything?”
“Yes, he told me to tell you that he loved you. That you were the best thing that ever happened to him. He asked me to watch over you and the baby.”
Her eyes closed, tears seeped behind her lids and slid down her face. He was beginning to think he should have waited to tell her when she was stronger. Then a beautiful smile curved her mouth, and when she opened her eyes, he saw gratitude and peace.
“Thank you for telling me. Even though we didn’t get to say goodbye, now I feel as though we did.”
His chest tight, he continued, “He also said…about the baby. How he wanted her to know how much he loved her.”
“He would have been a great dad.”
“Yes, he would have.”
Nick purposely didn’t mention Thomas’s last words. What good would that do? Neither could he mention his questions and doubts about Thomas’s murder. After talking with the Ruiz family, those doubts had increased a thousandfold. Constance Ruiz, the kid’s mother, had still been in shock about what happened and had insisted her son hadn’t had it in him to kill anyone. She claimed that his short stint in prison had changed him. He’d recently started a new job and had been turning his life around.
So why would a kid who’d finally been headed in the right direction give all of that up and go down such a drastic path? It didn’t make sense.
Unfortunately, his captain didn’t agree with him. Today, just hours before Thomas’s funeral, Nick had presented his doubts. He had to give the man credit…at least he had listened. But after listening, he’d asked the question Nick had known was coming. The captain had wanted to know what proof Nick had, other than gut instinct telling him something was off. He had nothing. The crime, while senseless and tragic, wasn’t uncommon. As far as everyone else was concerned, it was a done deal. Case closed.
“You have a tell, you know.”
Jerked out of his grim thoughts, he turned his attention back to Kennedy. “How’s that?”
“You get this little tick in your right jaw, like you’re grinding your teeth. That’s when I know something’s not right.”
Stunned that she’d interpreted him correctly, he said, “A tell, you say. And when have you seen it before?”
“Remember the time you brought that pishposh society girl over for dinner and she made a remark about the meal?”
Yeah, he remembered that night all too well. Hilary had seemed nice enough. They’d been out on a couple of dates. When he had invited her to a barbecue with the O’Connells, he’d thought she’d blend in okay. He had been wrong. She’d gone out of her way to ridicule the meal and had even made an offhand insult about Kennedy’s décor.
He grimaced as he remembered his behavior. “That wasn’t my finest hour.”
“I thought what you did was very heroic. Not many men would call a taxi for his date and then demand she wait outside for it or he would pick her up and throw her out.”
Nick chuckled as he remembered. “I’m not sure what surprised Hilary the most—me telling her to leave or you asking her if she wanted you to wrap up some of your lowbrow meal to take with her.”
She grinned. “It was tempting to let her wear it home. You’ll never know how close I came to dumping the potato salad on her beautiful head.”
“Can’t help but believe that would have improved her looks.”
They were still laughing when Julie entered. “Now that’s a sound I love to hear.” She glanced at Kennedy. “Ready to eat?”
Sitting up, she straightened her clothes. “Thank you…yes. I’m suddenly famished.”
Julie placed a tray over Kennedy’s lap. “We’re going to take off now. Nick’s staying the night.”
Kennedy gave Nick a telling glance. She didn’t want Julie to know that he wasn’t staying. He hadn’t given up on changi
ng her mind, but he went along with her unspoken request.
“Thank you so much for everything, Julie,” Kennedy said. “You’ve been a godsend.”
Julie kissed the top of her head. “Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Nick stood and gave Julie a hug, and then with one last encouraging, “Eat up,” Julie walked out the door.
“Want me to leave you alone to eat?”
“No, stay with me if you don’t mind.” Her eyes dropped to her plate. “In fact, you can help me eat some of this. Julie took ‘you’re eating for two’ quite literally.”
“Eat what you can.”
Nick was pleased to see that she was indeed diving into the meal with gusto. Color was coming back to her pale face, and that lost, shattered look had disappeared from her eyes, at least for a while.
Kennedy had been amazingly strong and brave throughout the funeral. He feared that tomorrow, though, when all the busyness of the last two days had passed, the pain would really take its toll. Trying to get back to normal when life was no longer normal could be hellish.
“That was good, but I don’t think I can eat any more.”
Nick took the tray from her, pleased that she had eaten more than half the meal. “Why don’t you get dressed for bed? Sounds like everyone’s gone. I’ll go lock up for the night.”
“Thanks for everything.”
“I have my clothes in the car. One word from you, and I’ll bunk down in the guest room. It’d make me feel better.”
Again, she shook her head, and her eyes glistened with tears. “This may sound weird, but I just really think I want to be alone to say goodbye to Thomas. Just me and the baby. Okay?”
His chest tight, Nick nodded. “It doesn’t sound weird at all.” And it didn’t. He’d done the same thing the night after his mother’s funeral. He glanced down at her cellphone on the nightstand. “Call me if you need anything. I don’t care what time it is or what you need. I can be here within minutes.”
The sweet smile she gave him kicked him deep in the gut. Nick turned away and grabbed the tray before he did something stupid, like grabbing Kennedy, holding her close and promising nothing would ever hurt her again. He’d long ago given up on making promises he couldn’t keep.
Nothing To Lose: A Grey Justice Novel Page 3