by Maya Banks
He’d been so stupid. So very wrong.
He couldn’t accept that Ren was beyond his reach. But he also knew that there were different rules for the world he lived in. The world Ren lived in.
He nodded slowly, but his gaze locked with Lucas’s in a clear message. This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. Lucas dipped his head in acknowledgment.
“I think perhaps it’s best if we go now,” Lucas said in that quiet, controlled voice. “I don’t want to cause Ren any further upset. Give my regrets to Damon and Serena.”
He turned to Ren as if giving her permission to speak. She was a disciplined submissive. So beautiful. Elegant in her obedience and her respect for the man who mastered her. It made Cole ache.
She touched Lucas’s arm as if to thank him and then she turned to Cole.
“It was nice to see you again, Cole.”
It took all of Cole’s restraint not to reach out and touch her. Not to take her hand and feel the softness of her palm. Turn it over in his hand and kiss it. He wanted to rub her hand over his cheek and down his neck. He just wanted to touch her. To feel her against him.
And now she was turning to go. Panic flared in his chest. Spread to his throat, squeezing relentlessly until his pulse thudded rapidly, each beat like a hammer at his temples.
Lucas nudged Ren away and as she started down the hall, Lucas held out a business card to Cole.
With a frown, Cole took the card. He was still holding it, staring down at the name and contact information for Lucas Holt when Lucas turned and disappeared down the hall after Ren.
CHAPTER 6
R en wasn’t herself. Lucas knew her intimately. Better than he’d ever known another woman, which he found interesting given the length of their association.
He’d had longer relationships. Their year together was actually one of his shorter agreements. But they meshed well.
And yet, as well as he knew her, he also recognized that there was still so much of her to learn. Maybe that was why she still fascinated him so much.
He watched her frown over her sketch, chew absently at her pencil and then with disgust, ball up the paper and toss it across the room.
Yes, his Ren was distracted, and he knew well the source of her preoccupation.
If he asked, he knew she’d be truthful. It was what he liked most about her. She was refreshingly honest even when she thought he’d be unhappy with her response. He never grew angry over the truth, though. It was a clear invitation for lies, and he hated untruths above all else.
But he wouldn’t force her to voice the source of her distraction. He sensed how unsettled she was and he worried about her happiness.
With a sigh, he turned away, knowing what he needed to do, but at the same time, reluctant. His reluctance intrigued him as much as the idea that he didn’t yet know all there was to know of his Ren.
It would seem that he did indeed possess the ability to feel jealousy. This was new for him, and while he recognized it for what it was, he was mystified by it.
Perhaps he’d allowed Ren to get closer than he’d intended. But then he hadn’t done it consciously. Somehow she’d managed to slip past his defenses and he doubted she’d tried to do so. She seemed as content with the status of their relationship as he was. Or had been. Now he wasn’t so sure what he wanted or expected. And that bothered him.
The question was, what did he want?
He walked quietly away from the doorway of Ren’s office, went into his own, closed the door and then sank into the chair behind his desk.
He fingered the message left by his secretary, who came in half a day to take care of paperwork. Cole had called as Lucas had known he would.
He laid his hand over the phone receiver, staring at that message for a long moment. Then he picked it up and keyed in Cole’s number.
CHAPTER 7
L ucas entered Ren’s office to find her asleep at her desk. Her cheek rested against the polished mahogany and her silky hair splayed out over the piles of paper that littered the surface.
He’d left her to contemplate for the last two days. She’d immersed herself in her work and she seemed deep in thought even when she was away from it and in his presence.
Normally he wouldn’t tolerate such inattention. But he found himself unable to punish her for the confusion she was feeling. It was also becoming increasingly clear that he had a soft spot for this particular woman.
He reached down, slid his hands underneath her slight body and lifted her into his arms. She came to rest against his chest with a small sigh and she immediately snuggled into his hold.
He smiled and kissed her brow as he strode out of her office toward the bedroom they shared. Once there, he placed her on the bed and then began undressing her.
She roused and stared at him with sleepy eyes as he slid her jeans over her hips.
“I did it again,” she mumbled.
He nodded. “You did. You worked too hard and too long without a break. When did you eat last?”
She frowned and her lips pursed in concentration. “This morning, I think.”
He scowled and she smiled. She reached up to feather her fingers over his brow, brushing aside his hair.
He removed her jeans and stared down at her nearly naked body. She was down to only her panties. They wouldn’t last long. She had a drawer full of expensive lacy confections because he did love to tear them.
He ran his hands up her legs until his thumbs brushed over the thin material covering her pussy. He dipped one finger underneath the band, ran it downward and then he ripped, rending the material in two, the ends fluttering outward to bare her to his gaze.
The diamond teardrop glittered from her navel. Above the hood shielding her clitoris was a triangle of dark hair, trimmed short and neat. Her pussy lips were bare. Silky soft to the touch. Waxed smooth every week.
He warred with himself over how he wanted tonight to go down. There was a part of him eager to reassert his dominance. To take her to the very edge of her boundaries until they were both satisfied that he owned every inch of her body.
The other part of him wanted to be gentle with her. Shower her with tenderness. And ask her to bare her secrets.
The last gave him pause. Ask. Not demand. Somehow it seemed important that she willingly give him what he wanted to know. He could demand, yes. And she’d willingly oblige him. She was perfect in that regard. He’d never met a woman quite so comfortable in her skin. So open. So …at peace.
But now he wondered about that peace and what it had cost her. Her meeting with Cole had rattled her. He’d seen it. Known it. Hadn’t exactly known how to digest what he’d witnessed.
One thing he knew. He wanted to know more about the much younger Ren. The Ren who’d once belonged to Cole Madison, a man who clearly hadn’t forgotten her in the many years since they went their separate ways.
“What are you thinking?”
She lay beneath him, quiet, soft. Her gaze on him. Her attention focused solely on him. He leaned down and pressed a single kiss to the soft lips of her pussy and enjoyed the quick shiver that rocked through her body.
So responsive. So in tune with his wants and needs. He wondered if he’d ever find a woman more perfect for him. And yet, he’d never given much thought to the permanence of their relationship. Her role in his life.
Now he was going to be made to do just that, and he wasn’t sure he liked the circumstances that were going to force his hand.
He shifted his body up until he lay on his side next to her, his head propped in his palm as he stared down into her eyes. She was still staring oddly at him, obviously perplexed by his mood.
He touched his finger to the soft skin of her cheek and traced a line down to her jaw. “Tell me about Cole Madison.”
He didn’t miss the sudden flare in her eyes or the slight tension coiling through her body. She was tempted to look away but her discipline didn’t desert her. She kept her gaze steady and fixed on him.
Then she
Lucas continued to stroke her cheek, more to offer her comfort and to let her know he wasn’t threatened by the retelling of her first love.
“Were you intimate at such a young age?” he asked. “That could have gotten him into serious legal trouble in most, if not all, states.”
Ren shook her head. “He never pressured me for sex. In fact, he was adamant that we wait. It would probably make him sound weak or Beta to most people, but he was confident, self-assured. All he cared about was me and he thought I was too young for a sexual relationship.”
Lucas nodded in grudging respect. Not many young men would have cared whether their pretty girlfriend was too immature for sex.
“I thought perhaps we would consummate our relationship when I turned eighteen. I was positively breathless as my birthday neared. We’d been together for two years. He was about to graduate college. I loved him. I was sure he was the one I wanted to be with sexually and emotionally.
“But he surprised me by taking me to get the tattoo on my back. My parents were very strict and perhaps this was another reason Cole held off and didn’t pressure me. He didn’t want to cause problems for me with my mom and dad. They were very conservative. They forbade me from even getting my ears pierced until I turned eighteen.”
He tweaked one earlobe. “You never did get them pierced.”
She shook her head. “I got the tattoo instead. It was exactly what I wanted. I designed it myself. Cole insisted that I not go to some fly-by-night, back-alley tattoo parlor, so he took me into the city to a very expensive artist who did the ink. It was the best birthday gift I ever received. In a lot of ways it wasn’t just a tattoo. It was a mark of my independence. A new milestone in my life.”
So far Lucas wasn’t seeing the problem in her relationship with Cole. He seemed like a pretty decent guy, which annoyed him, truth be told. He wanted—needed—a reason to back out of the decision he’d already made.
“Only after the tattoo was completely healed did we make love for the first time. It was so perfect. He was my first and he made it so very special for me.”
She went silent a moment and though she still looked up at him, she was no longer seeing him. She was somewhere else. Lost in her memories. Sadness entered her eyes and he suddenly wanted nothing more than to hold her and shield her from hurt.
“After that first time, we became inseparable. Cole took over. Not in a negative way. I welcomed it. I loved that he took care of me. He anticipated my needs. He provided for me. It was like a fairy tale. It was precisely what I wanted in a relationship.
“We began to talk about it. We didn’t just slip into it. We knew what we were was …different. And exciting. We were young and we weren’t even sure exactly how to define this type of relationship. We began to experiment. Sexually. We quickly discovered what we did and didn’t enjoy. We embraced what turned us on and satisfied us emotionally and quickly discarded what didn’t meet a need.”
Again she broke off and went silent.
“What happened?” Lucas asked.
“One night things went too far. It was an accident. He was using a whip and he didn’t have much experience.”
Lucas winced. A whip wasn’t for an inexperienced hand. Not at all. It took long hours of practice to be able to wield it without injuring your partner. He didn’t use whips. He didn’t like them. He liked leather. Crops. Belts. Or the flat of his own hand. He also liked wood. Smooth, treated wood so there was no chance of Ren being injured by splinters or rough surfaces.
Then he frowned as a thought occurred to him. He turned her so the scar on her shoulder was visible. It was about four inches long, curving over her shoulder blade.
He traced the scar with his fingertip and then leaned down to kiss it. “Did he do this?”
She swallowed visibly and nodded.
Lucas gripped her shoulder, kissed her again and softly nuzzled the barely raised area of flesh. Had she been badly frightened? Had it broken her trust?
“It must have scared you.”
Ren rose up on her elbow so they were eye level. “That’s just the thing, Lucas. It didn’t frighten me. It hurt, yes. No doubt about that. Cole was devastated. I mean, truly devastated. He was so horrified that he’d hurt me. But I loved him. I trusted him. I knew he hadn’t meant to. I knew he’d cut off his right arm before ever willingly hurting me. I knew all of this. But he was the one who couldn’t get past it.”
Lucas’s forehead wrinkled in confusion.
“He was the one who walked away,” Ren said softly, pain evident in her voice. “I begged him. God, I begged him. He hated himself. I think it made it worse for me to tell him it didn’t matter, that I loved him and knew he hadn’t meant to. He made this comment about how often women forgave their abusers over and over and how they were willing to say it was an accident when they were hurt. In his mind, he crossed an unforgivable line and nothing I said could change his mind.
“He began to question every aspect of our relationship. How he had complete control and dominance. How I complied with his wishes. He worried I’d lost my individuality, that somehow he’d swallowed me up. He was horrified that he’d become this monster who held me on such a tight leash that I had no life outside of him.”
“Did he?”
Her denial was immediate and he believed her. She was honest in all things. About herself. Her mistakes. Her shortcomings. If she truly believed that she’d been abused, she would tell him so now.
“He made a mistake,” Ren said painfully. “One mistake. We were young. We were inexperienced. We were testing the waters of a relationship we knew defied societal norms. We decided together what did and didn’t work for us. He and I were both drawn to the idea of pain as pleasure and how much pain was too much before it overrode all else and simply became …pain. He was always so careful and he simply made a mistake.”
“Was that the only mark?” Lucas asked. Cole’s reaction seemed extreme, but then he’d been a much younger man and it appeared as though he’d had a deep sense of responsibility toward Ren even at that young age. It was hard to know if Lucas would have felt the same if he’d made such a mistake in his youth with a woman he hadn’t cared for as deeply as Cole had cared for Ren.
Ren frowned and her eyes glittered with unshed tears. “No. But it was the only mark that left a scar. My back was striped. The skin was broken in three places but the place on my shoulder was the worst. The whip sliced open the skin and I bled a lot. Cole took me in to be stitched.”
Lucas pulled her in closer, offering his warmth and the strength of his body. He knew it was something that comforted her, and her sadness was unsettling to him. He didn’t like the look in her eyes or the sound of her voice.
He felt …helpless and it was an odd sensation. Not at all one he was accustomed to.
She was getting to him. Worming her way deeper and he found it perplexing. Why her? What was it about her?
“So he left?” Lucas finally asked.
Ren sighed against him and again, her unhappiness struck a chord deep inside his chest. “Not at first. He took care of me. Dressed the wound every single day. Went with me to have the stitches removed. But he didn’t touch me sexually. Not even once. He drifted further and further away. It was like he felt he wasn’t worthy of me anymore. It was so frustrating. I tried to talk to him but I just couldn’t get through. The harder I tried, the more convinced he was that he wielded too much power over me and that he wasn’t responsible enough to shoulder it and wield it properly. He blamed himself for ‘pushing’ me into the lifestyle. He seemed to forget that it had held as much interest to me as it had to him from the very beginning. It was a need I had, one I recognized, even before we ever embarked on the sexual side of our relationship. But he didn’t see it that way. He thought he’d forced me into something I didn’t want. That I’d done it all just to please him. And I know I’m making him sound like a martyr and that now, years later, it may sound ridiculous, but you have to understand, this affected him profoundly.”
“Yes, I see it did,” Lucas murmured.
“He truly felt like the best thing he could do for me was to walk away when in fact it was the one thing that hurt me far worse than any whip to my back. Cole changed me. He awakened something within me that has never died. He is a large part of who I am today.”
“I think you don’t give yourself enough credit,” Lucas said.
She shook her head. “I know what you’re saying. I do. But the thing is, he was my introduction to dominance and submission. Would I have gotten there eventually without him? Oh yes, definitely I would have. It was a need inside me before he awakened it. But through him, I tasted what it was like to have a man utterly cherish me. Protect me. Love me with everything he had. Would my experience have been the same with another man? Absolutely not. What if I had chosen the wrong man? What if I had experimented with someone who didn’t care for me as much as Cole did? Or someone who wasn’t as patient as he was. Or even someone who wasn’t willing to listen to what I liked and didn’t like, and what I needed and didn’t need? Because of him, I knew exactly what I wanted and needed from a relationship and I refused to settle for less. I’m honest in my needs and wants because of him. Because he showed me that there are men who will give me exactly what I want sexually and emotionally.”
Her impassioned speech shook him. Her eyes had darkened and she leaned forward, her voice cracking with emotion. This wasn’t a woman who’d moved on and forgotten the man she’d once given her very soul to.
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