by Maya Banks
Micah smiled. “Ever the polished gentleman, eh Damon? I wonder if you’ve ever fucked up with a woman in your life.”
Damon sent him a shut-the-fuck-up glare.
“Apparently you and I are the only ones who don’t have sense when it comes to women,” Cole muttered toward Micah.
Damon rolled his eyes and shook his head in Cole’s direction. “Look, if I had pulled this kind of lame ass stunt with Serena, I would have never heard the end of it from you. You’d sit there and remind me of how you once walked away from a woman and that it was the worst mistake of your life and that I shouldn’t do the same. Come to think of it, we had this very conversation about three weeks ago where you admitted that leaving Ren was the absolute worst thing you’d ever done. So what would possess you to do it all over again? Are you a masochist or are you just that stupid?”
Micah chortled and choked on his beer before setting the bottle down on the table. “He’s got you there.”
“Swear to God, if we weren’t in a public place …” Cole bit out.
“Not sure Cattleman’s serves as a civilized place,” Damon said. “I’ve never quite seen the appeal myself, so by all means, act as though we aren’t in a public setting.”
“Ya know, Cole is a rich son of a bitch too but he never acts like Cattleman’s is beneath his pampered palette,” Micah drawled. “You just don’t like it because the girls have their nights out with Drew the bartender here.”
Damon sent him a quelling glance. “There is no price tag on taste.”
“How is Serena?” Cole asked.
He desperately wanted to change the subject. Talking about Ren made the pit in his stomach grow larger. He hadn’t slept in nights. Every time he closed his eyes, it felt like he was hurling over the edge of an abyss with no way to catch himself. That was what every day without Ren was like. Hell, it was dramatic, but he was fucked and he damn well knew it.
“She’s fine. Growing more restless by the day. Her doctor thinks that perhaps her due date was miscalculated and that she’ll deliver sooner. She’s scheduled to have a sonogram this week so more accurate measurements can be taken.”
“And how are you taking this news, Daddy?” Micah asked.
“It scares me shitless,” Damon admitted. “I’m not prepared for this. I’m supposed to be the strong and in control one and it’s Serena who is constantly having to calm and reassure me. It’s damn embarrassing. The idea of something happening to Serena terrifies me.”
Cole could understand that because the idea of Ren being hurt paralyzed him and made his blood run cold. An uneasy feeling settled into his stomach. Was she okay now? Was she happy? He hadn’t ensured anything before he’d let her leave with Lucas. Ren had feared that Lucas was moving on and no longer interested in her. Cole had never ever gotten that from the other man but Ren knew him better. Had he only arrived to take Ren because his ego dictated such? What if he’d discarded Ren? What if she was out there alone?
He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He could call Lucas, but would Lucas be truthful with him if he had tossed Ren out? Would Ren even know how to contact Cole if she was out there on her own? Would she want to?
“I’m an idiot,” he said in disgust.
Micah sighed in exasperation. “Have Damon and I not been saying this for the last half hour? What made you see the light now?”
Cole stood and tossed down a bill for his drinks. “I’ve got to go. Damon, please keep me informed of Serena’s progress. I’ll want to know when she goes into labor.”
Damon turned a little green at the mention of labor but nodded.
“Good luck, man,” Micah said, his eye serious. “I hope this means you aren’t going to sit back and let her walk out of your life.”
Cole grimaced as he pushed his chair back in. “I may not have a choice.”
“There’s always a choice,” Damon said. “It’s what you do with that choice that matters.”
“I really can’t stomach you when you get all philosophical,” Cole growled. “I’ll see you two later. Much later.”
Micah chuckled as Cole strode toward the door.
The cold air hit him in the face as did the heavy mist in the air. It was a rotten night to be out but an even worse night to be home alone with only his regrets for company.
If Ren were with him, they’d spend the evening in front of the fire and then she’d go down on her knees, her hair shimmering in the glow of the flames while he slid into her mouth.
Hell, who was he kidding? If he had any chance of being with Ren tonight, he’d be on his damn knees in front of her begging for another chance.
He drove home, unsure of what he was going to do or if he’d do anything at all. All he knew was that his demons were beating inside his head. Relentless and vicious. And they were all screaming at him that he’d been wrong. Again.
He was tired. He hadn’t slept in nights. But when he pulled into his driveway and rounded the bend to see Lucas’s silver Mercedes parked in front, his pulse bolted up and a shot of adrenaline rocketed through his veins.
Instead of continuing on to his garage, he pulled up behind Lucas’s car and it was then he saw Lucas standing outside the driver’s side door, hands shoved into his pockets.
Cole’s eyes narrowed as he shut down the engine and opened his door. He stepped into the raw night and realized that whatever Lucas wanted, he’d come alone. Ren wasn’t with him.
“What the hell do you want, Holt?”
Lucas leaned against the side of his car. “Invite me in, Madison. I think you’ll be interested in what I have to say.”
Cole shut his door and stared at Lucas for a long time. The other man didn’t so much as blink. Or give any hint of what he wanted to talk about.
“This better be good,” Cole muttered as he headed for the front door.
He stepped inside, flipped the lights on and led Lucas into the living room. The same living room where he and Ren had been just three weeks ago. Cole swore he could still smell her in his house. As such, he hadn’t had it cleaned since she left.
“Drink?” Cole asked as he walked to the liquor cabinet.
“Nothing for me,” Lucas said.
“I think I’ll need it,” Cole said in a low voice. He poured himself a glass of Irish whiskey and took a fortifying sip before turning his attention to his visitor.
“Now, what is it you wish to discuss that I’ll find so interesting?”
“Ren.”
Cole sucked in his breath. “Well you have me there. I’m definitely interested in anything you have to say about Ren. Is she okay?”
“Do you care?” Lucas asked sharply.
“I don’t have time for your bullshit,” Cole said coldly. “I didn’t run you down and arrange to spend two weeks with a woman I care nothing for.”
“Let me just tell you how Ren sees it. She spent two weeks with a man she once loved beyond reason. The same man who walked away from her and devastated her when she was young. She realizes during those two weeks that she still very much loves this man and he makes her a promise that he’ll find a way. A promise she clings to when she’s uncertain of how things can possibly work out. Then at the end of the two weeks, this same man walks away from her yet again. So you tell me, Madison. Does that sound like a man who gives a damn?”
Cole stared at him in stupefaction. Then he shook his head. “There are so many what-the-fuck issues with that bullshit you just spouted that I don’t even know where to begin. But let’s start with why the hell do you care? Why are you here? And for that matter why point the finger at me when you hurt her so badly by A. giving her to me in the first place, which immediately made her assume the worst and that you were dumping her and B. looking straight through her like she didn’t exist when she saw you outside Cattleman’s.”
Lucas’s face was locked in stone. “Just tell me why you left, Madison. Why did you give her up when you once swore to me you’d fight for her with eve
ry breath you had. You pretty much told me that you’d do whatever it took to ensure she never came back to me. And yet it seems to me that you couldn’t get rid of her fast enough.”
Cole slammed his drink down on the sideboard with enough force to make the liquid slosh over the rim. “I didn’t goddamn walk away from her. I let her go because it was the right thing to do. She loves you, and she was never going to choose between us. Never. She loves us both but one of us had to lose. I just want her to be happy even if I’m fucking miserable in the process.”
Lucas sighed. “I thought it might be something like that, you fucking martyring bastard.”
“Don’t piss me off. I’ve spent the night deciding just what a dumbass I was. This is the only warning you’re going to get. I’m coming for her.”
Lucas stared at him for a moment as if studying or perhaps deciding whether or not he wanted to say what it was he wanted. And finally he spoke. “I had in mind something different.”
Cole was at the end of his patience. He was tired. He was pissed. And what he really wanted was to knock Lucas on his ass and then go find Ren, throw her over his shoulder and haul her back to his cave. In that order.
“Just get to your point.”
“I think we should share Ren,” he said in a low, grim voice.
CHAPTER 36
C ole stared wordlessly at Lucas. The man was out of his goddamn mind. “Share her? Like a piece of meat or something?” He couldn’t help but remember Damon’s angry assertion earlier that evening. Hell, but Lucas’s suggestion made it sound like it was exactly what they were treating her like.
Lucas made an angry, frustrated sound. “Look, what I’m suggesting isn’t easy for me. No, I don’t think we should pass her back and forth like some tasty treat. I think we should give serious consideration to entering a relationship wherein she belongs to both of us. Full time. All the time. Which means that you and I would have to come to an understanding. And we’d have to make a hell of a lot of decisions about living arrangements.”
Cole’s eyes widened as realization dawned. What Lucas was suggesting was a permanent, full-time arrangement. Hell, they’d live together and be in constant contact. They would truly share Ren. There were so many potential pitfalls that Cole couldn’t even wrap his head around it.
But the one thing that stuck out in his mind the most was that he’d have Ren. She’d be happy. She wouldn’t have to choose. Was he insane for even considering it for the barest of seconds? And for not tossing Lucas out on his ass? What kind of a freak did it make him?
And then he remembered that Micah had lived just such an arrangement. Before Angelina. He and his best friend had shared the same woman. A woman who Micah had married but had shared with his best friend. She’d belonged equally to both of them.
But they’d been best friends. There had been a level of trust already established. There was nothing between Lucas and Cole except animosity.
“Jesus,” Cole muttered. “Is this what Ren wants?”
Lucas’s lips tightened. “I don’t know if it is or not. I haven’t talked to her about it. I wouldn’t do anything to get her hopes up or potentially upset her. I wanted to talk to you first so that if it isn’t an option, it’s never mentioned to her as one.”
Yeah, he understood that and grudgingly gave the other man respect for protecting Ren.
“You’d really consider this?” Cole asked incredulously. “I don’t share well. It’s not something I’ve ever considered.”
Lucas made another rude sound. “I’ve shared her with men at the club. You shared her with Captain Mike and some guy named C.J. Yeah, she told me all about it. It’s the same principle only now we’d be sharing her with each other. And preferably no one else.”
“That was different,” Cole bit out. “She didn’t love Captain Mike or C.J. They gave her pleasure but she didn’t feel anything for them.”
Lucas’s lips thinned. “Ah, so now we get to it. She loves me and you’d feel threatened by that.”
“Are you telling me you wouldn’t feel threatened by the fact she loves me?” Cole demanded. “Because I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it for a minute. You’re way too intense of a guy. You’re way too possessive. You’re way too bloody like me for it not to bother you.”
“Sit down, Madison. You and I have a lot to discuss and I’m not going to stand here like two circling wolves all damn night. I don’t like leaving Ren alone for this length of time and in particular when I know she’s not herself.”
Cole froze and some of the irritation fled. He lowered himself onto the couch as Lucas did the same in a chair across from him.
“How is she?” Cole asked hoarsely.
“Not good,” Lucas returned. “But that’s to be expected. She’s in love with two assholes who’ve done everything wrong. Which is why I’m here so that maybe, maybe we can do something right for a change.”
Cole couldn’t even take offense. Holt was dead right. They were two of the biggest assholes on earth. They’d manipulated, played with and hurt Ren. And yeah, maybe it was time to step up, work together and fix the situation.
“How is this supposed to work?” Cole asked wearily. “You’re dominant. I’m dominant. Ren’s only one person.”
“I’m not asking you to submit to me,” Lucas said in amusement.
Cole’s lip curled up at the corner and he glared at the other man. “Ha-ha, very funny.”
“Look, I don’t have all the answers. It’s something we’d have to work at, and more than that, be committed to working at. Every damn day. I don’t expect it to be easy. What is? What I do know is this. I love Ren. I’m not letting her go. You love Ren. You let her go because you thought it was the right thing to do. Ren loves us both and is hurt by the idea that you walked away from her and that I gave her to a man who’d already hurt her once. That makes us both dumb as shit assholes who have a hell of a lot to make up to her.”
Cole sighed. Damn but the man was making way too much sense. He wanted to hate him. He didn’t want to respect him. But the fact that Ren was at the forefront of his every thought had already earned him Cole’s regard.
“Ren would be submitting to two men. Not just one. And I don’t expect it would always be easy with us pulling her in two different directions, which is why we’d have to set aside our differences and work together to make sure she’s taken care of and not overwhelmed. In the end, it has to be her decision because her life changes the most.”
“It should be her decision anyway,” Cole said quietly. “You and I have already made too many decisions for her. I’ve walked away from her twice because I thought it was best for her. But I never asked her what she thought was best.”
Lucas nodded. “And I brought her to you because I thought it was best for her to face her past. I think it’s time we stop thinking for Ren and let her make her own decisions.”
“Yeah, agreed.”
Lucas rose from the couch. “I’ve been away from Ren for too long. She’s not been herself. She goes through the motions. She needs the routine and the discipline of submission but her heart’s not in it.” He stared hard at Cole. “Think about what I said, Madison. Think hard about it. Then whatever objection you have or however you think it’s going to affect your life or whatever sacrifices you think you’ll be making, consider Ren, and ask yourself if your objections are worth more than a life with her. When you make up your mind, give me a call. We’ll approach her together. Until then I won’t say a word to her.”
Cole watched Lucas go, unsure of whether he was supposed to thank him, curse him or dismiss him all together.
What a goddamn mess.
Or was it?
Was it a mess or was it the solution to an impossible situation?
In a perfect world, Cole would have Ren to himself and he’d never have to share her with anyone. In the shitty world where he currently existed he didn’t have Ren at all. Lucas did.
That there was enough to make compromise not look so da
mn bad after all.
He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and punched the contact button for Micah. Micah would at least understand the situation and he could likely offer Cole some been there done that if nothing else.
He had a feeling this was going to involve a lot of alcohol.
CHAPTER 37
“M arry me.”
Ren stiffened in Lucas’s arms and pushed away from his chest to stare at him. “What?” She couldn’t have heard him right. Ren didn’t even equate marriage with Lucas. It was traditional. Lucas was anything but. He was a free spirit. Liked things his own way. He wasn’t one to uphold tradition. He was much too likely to forge his own, separate from the ideals of the majority.
She didn’t doubt that he loved her. His confession had been painful and almost angry. But it had been raw and honest and she knew without a doubt he spoke the truth.
But marriage? She couldn’t even wrap her head around it. For that matter, she wasn’t sure she was a traditionalist in that sense.
“Marry me,” he said again softly.
Her brain synapses were firing but she couldn’t seem to get her tongue to work.
Lucas chuckled. “I see I’ve managed to make you speechless.”
“Marriage?” she finally managed to croak out.
“Yeah, you know, that thing that people do when they’re in love and want to commit to a future together? It’s customary to participate in a ceremony of sorts, exchange rings or other meaningful symbols of their love and they make promises to remain faithful, et cetera, et cetera.”
“Smart ass,” she muttered. “I know damn well what it is. I just didn’t imagine that you were the marrying type. I’m pretty sure you’ve told me in the past that marriage wasn’t an institution in which you were swayed to participate in.”
He grimaced. “Sometimes I can be a dumbass. And other times I’m wrong. I want us to get married, Ren. I want that commitment from you but more than that, I want to offer my commitment to you so that you’ll know without a doubt that I’ll love and cherish you for the rest of my life.”