Santos remains silent, and I return his stare, daring him to go on. Of course, the fucker ignores my warning. “You’re sleeping with her. Or you were,” he says in a calm tone that rarely leads to anything good.
I reach for the glass and take another drink, staring at him over the rim. He can fish all he wants, I’m not biting.
Santos waits, and when I don’t respond to the bait, he releases an aggravated sigh. “You’ve always been very casual with women, so I know this thing with her is anything but.”
“What makes you assume that?” I ask coolly.
He gives me a surly look. “Cut the bullshit.”
This is a conversation that I really don’t want to have, and yet he continues pushing for more. The only reason I haven’t kicked him out yet is because he’s injured. He knows it, too.
“You fell for her without realizing it,” he adds broodingly.
My jaw clenches, causing pain as I struggle to control my rising temper. “She’s leaving, so why do you care?” I ask tightly.
“Because you care,” he spats. “I can read you like a fucking book.”
“Let it go,” I warn.
His eyes blaze. “Can you?” he challenges.
“Why the hell are you pushing this?” I growl.
The anger he’d shown moments ago seems to fizzle. “Hell if know,” he grumbles.
“Then shut it,” I clip out.
Santos studies me and must realize I’ve given him as much as I’m going to give tonight, because he grudgingly rises to his feet. With a set look on his face, he picks up the crutch and hobbles out of the office. On his way out, he uses the crutch to close the door sharply.
The tension that was in the air quickly dissipates, and I lean back in my chair, rubbing a hand over my face. I hadn’t expected Santos to call me out on my developing feelings for Catalina. It’s hard for even me to wrap my head around, because I’ve never felt this way when it comes to a woman. This is all new to me, and I resent it.
The worst part is acknowledging that I don’t want her to leave. I’d like to explore this thing between us further, because I think I’m finally capable of letting someone else into my life other than Santos. There’s a sense of growing trust between Catalina and me, and that’s something I can’t ignore. Trust is hard to come by these days, and you really have to get to know someone before it can be earned. With Catalina, she’s had an uphill battle since the moment she’d stepped into the club that first night. Yet, here I am, certain that she would never do anything to betray my organization.
The strangest part is knowing that Santos must sense her loyalty, otherwise, he wouldn’t be badgering me about her. He doesn’t like her, that much I know, but he cares about me, and seeing as I am feeling something for her, he wants to know what’s going on. If he didn’t think she was worthy of my attention, she wouldn’t be worth mentioning—let alone trying to figure out where my head is at where she’s concerned.
I reach for the glass of bourbon and take a long drink. We’d made a deal when she’d arrived, and I owe it to her to follow through. She wants her freedom. I just wish it wasn’t costing us whatever it is that has been developing between us.
Twenty-seven
Catalina
Trying to sleep is pointless.
My mind is like an ocean with large waves crashing repeatedly against the shoreline. There’s no doubt that the waves won’t calm anytime soon. Not after the conversation in the study.
I’m leaving in a few short days, and I don’t know how to fix the sudden rift that’s developed between Nikolas and me. I’m not even sure what caused it. I know I was upset when I first saw my father in the basement, but once Nikolas told me his intentions, I knew the blindside came from a good place. I certainly don’t have any lingering anger towards him. If anything, he’d showed a bit of vulnerability by offering to give me the ultimate revenge over his own. There aren’t many men out there—not in Nikolas’s line of work—that would put someone else’s need before their own. Not even Santos had agreed with his decision.
I know Nikolas cares about me.
How much? I have no idea. We both have been slowly breaking away at one another’s walls which we both wear like body armor. He’s let me in, and I’ve willingly entrusted him with my thoughts, and with my body. There’s definitely something there, which urges me to fix whatever’s broken between us.
How am I supposed to leave if there’s no closure with him? I have only days to fix this and make it right.
The restlessness of my mind is no match for me, and I rise from the bed and slip on a silk bathrobe over my tank and panties. I don’t know where I’m going, but I might as well wander the halls while I try to sort out the chaos inside my head.
Once I leave my room, I come across a few guards as I roam the halls, and they simply nod their acknowledgement. Eventually, I make my way up to the second floor. I tell myself that I’m not going to look for Nikolas, but I can’t help but hope that maybe I’ll run into him. When I pass by his office door, I hesitate upon seeing the light on beneath the door. It’s three in the morning, but he must still be awake.
For a full minute, I stand before the door and debate whether I should knock. Would he be pleased that I want to speak with him? Or will he be annoyed that I’m interrupting him?
There’s only one way to find out.
I knock quietly on the door.
“Come in,” Nikolas’s voice clips out.
His tone causes me to wince inwardly. That didn’t sound very welcoming. It’s too late now though, so I grasp the knob and turn it, opening the door. I step across threshold and carefully close the door before looking at him.
He’s sitting behind his desk and looks sexily rumpled. A bottle of bourbon is on his desk near his computer, and I note that the glass by his hand is empty. He’s been drinking, but by the way his sharp eyes watch me, he’s not drunk.
The sight of his creased shirt and slightly mussed hair eases the uncertainty inside me. When Nikolas allows his ‘all business front’ to slip, he’s much more approachable. The way he’s looking at me lets me know that he’s not going to dismiss me in the detached way that he does with others.
I walk towards him, and his eyes track my every move. Instead of taking the chair, I move around the desk and perch on the edge. He reaches over and moves some files out of the way so that I can sit comfortably. Had I sat in the chair, it would have felt as if this was more business than personal between us.
His blue eyes drift over my satin robe before locking eyes with me. “Couldn’t sleep?”
I shake my head, enjoying how attractive he looks tonight. When I’d first met him, I never would have thought that I’d have willingly sought out his company. This man though, the one sitting before me and watching me curiously, he’s the real Nikolas Del Toro. When his walls are down, he’s a man that I admire and respect.
“Want to talk about it?” he asks, studying me.
“I do,” I finally say. “I didn’t like how we ended our conversation earlier,” I confess.
Instead of replying, he says nothing as he watches me.
Dang.
I’m the one who’s going to have to dive over the metaphorical cliff first. It bothers me that I am once more the first to cave, but someone has to. Nikolas is too stubborn to throw caution to the wind and reveal what’s on his mind if it’s going to make him look vulnerable. Considering his lifestyle, I can’t hold that against him.
“I’m going to miss you,” I quietly admit. There. It’s out there. I brace myself for his reaction.
Something shifts in his gaze. “Will you?” he murmurs, his voice a low, sexy rumble from the bourbon.
My forehead puckers. “You doubt it?”
He lifts an eyebrow, eyes still unyielding, even after my confession. “You can’t wait to leave,” he reminds.
“I never said that,” I counter back. “Our deal was that you take down the Herrera cartel and eliminate my father, and I go ov
erseas.”
Unfortunately, he continues to remain silent.
This is so much harder than I’d predicted. I’d thought that he might let me in after admitting that I’d miss him. No such luck. I’m willing to try one more time, and then I’m going to have to let him decide if he’s going to meet me halfway or not.
I pull together my courage. “Nikolas, you’ve helped me in ways that you aren’t even aware of. I will miss you,” I say, my eyes revealing that I mean every word I say.
His eyes never leave mine as he asks steadily, “In what ways?”
I touch the center of my chest. “You’ve eased the ache that’s been here. I feel like I can breathe again,” I confess softly.
Understanding flickers in his gaze, and he’s beginning to allow his emotions to show. “You’re moving on from him,” he realizes.
I nod. “He’ll always have a special place in my heart, but it’s time to let go of all that pain and live again.”
He reaches for my left hand, and he gently rubs his thumb over the scar on my wrist. “You are capable of so much,” he murmurs.
“Maybe now, but I was weak then.”
His eyes lock on mine with an intensity that takes my breath away. “No. Your feelings for him can never be compared to weakness. To have so much love to give…” His voice becomes lower as he adds, “Your Zac was a very lucky man.”
No one could have said anything differently that would touch my soul as much as his statement touched me just now. I turn his hand over in mine, cradling his. “It must feel good to have finally avenged Manny.”
He nods in agreement. “You’ve also avenged Zac.”
“I didn’t enjoy it, but it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest,” I admit.
Silence falls over us, and I don’t want our time together to end. I release his hand and reach for his glass. He immediately pours a bit of bourbon into it, and I bring the cup to my lips and take a sip.
Nikolas watches me with hooded eyes, and I can sense the shift in the air. The atmosphere is sizzling with sexual tension. Just the thought of being with him makes my panties damp.
I set the glass on the desk’s surface and gaze down at him. “I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye to you,” I whisper.
“So don’t,” he says, reaching for me and hauling me onto his lap. His lips capture mine in a tantalizing kiss. As his mouth takes possession of mine, I rock my hips against him. I have only panties on under my bathrobe, so there’s not much fabric between my core and his fly. His body comes to life behind the zipper of his pants, and his hardness presses perfectly between my thighs. I undulate teasingly against him, and his teeth brush my lower lip in response.
Nikolas breaks the kiss, and his eyes meet mine with wicked intentions as he tugs open my bathrobe. He yanks off the sash, and I pause so I can slip the fabric off my arms. Next goes the tank top, and it falls to the floor. I’m now only in my panties while he’s still fully dressed.
I deliberately rub myself against his groin, eliciting a groan from him. He captures my breasts in his hands, and his thumbs rub the tips as I work my hips.
Nikolas watches me with hooded eyes. “Feel good?”
“Yes, but I want more,” I say breathlessly.
His blue eyes shift to where my thighs are parted on his lap. I’m wearing lilac-colored panties tonight that are striking against the black of his pants. Slowly, his gaze slides back up pausing to take in my breasts where his fingers are still playing, and then finally, those blazing eyes of his meet mine. “Give me a show, and I’ll give you what you want.”
I arch an eyebrow. “How about you just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”
A slow grin curves his lips. “I like that better.” His eyes dip down to my core before he turns and reaches for his desk drawer.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
His retrieves a pair of scissors, and I go still as he brings them to my panties. I watch as he carefully cuts the fabric before peeling it away. He tosses the ruined fabric and scissors aside. Looking satisfied, he leans back in his chair and smiles at me expectantly. “Come all over my pants, Gatita.”
“If you insist,” I say playfully. He’s no longer playing with my breasts, so I take a moment to toy with the pert tips, gasping from the sensations. Everything feels more intense with his eyes intently watching me.
His eyes rake over my breasts before sweeping down to my folds. I’m aware that it doesn’t take much for me to grow wet, and the more I play with myself, the wetter I’m becoming.
Nikolas glances up at me, arching an eyebrow. He wants more.
I trail my fingers between my breasts and down to my stomach. Then I lean back slightly before my fingers slide between my saturated folds. Slipping a finger into my heat brings a moan to my lips. Slowly, I move my finger in and out, and because of my wetness, it makes soft suctioning noises.
When I glance at Nikolas, his jaw is clenched, and a muscle is throbbing in his jaw. Someone’s about to go over the edge. I smile provocatively as I withdraw my finger and begin rubbing my clit. I’m close to coming, but he doesn’t need to know that. I rock my hips as I touch myself, moaning softly. I want him to break before I do, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. He’s completely tense beneath me, eyes fixated on my finger repeatedly brushing my clit.
Just as I’m about to come, he mutters an expletive and pushes my hips back so that he can undo his pants.
I groan at his timing, and he flashes me a wicked smile as he correctly assumes that I was about to reach my orgasm.
In the blink of an eye, he has his dick out of his pants, and a condom rolled on—one of us finally remembered. He grabs my hips and then pulls me down onto him. We both groan in unison as he fills me, and his gaze meets mine. “Ride me,” he says thickly.
I hold onto his shoulders, shift my hips, and then begin to rise and fall, bringing him deeply within me and then sliding off. I undulate my body, rocking my hips as I ride his length. When I can no longer control myself, I quicken my pace and ride him relentlessly.
Nikolas lets me control the pace, though I know it’s costing him. It’s taking all his control not to take over and thrust into me with abandon. My hand reaches down to play with my clit, and his eyes dart to the movement, and I see him clench his jaw.
I’m frantically slamming myself onto him, desperate for release.
Nikolas caves and takes over, gripping my hips and arching himself upwards, surging into me with hard thrusts. It’s exactly what I needed, and I cry out as I go over the edge and moan with pleasure.
A few more hard thrusts, and then Nikolas is growling his release as well. After he omits a satisfied breath as his body relaxes, I bury my face in the crook of his neck, enjoying his scent as our bodies slowly calm. We both needed this tonight. It’s calmed the storm inside me, and now I feel utter contentment in his arms. And an unmistakable sense of belonging. Nikolas runs his hands over my back as we make no move to separate our bodies.
I could stay like this forever, and I savor the moment.
“You could stay you know,” Nikolas says, his chest vibrating against mine as his rumbly voice breaks the silence. “You don’t have to leave right away.”
Everything within me stills for a moment. It isn’t as if I haven’t considered the thought, but staying longer means this thing between us will become even more complicated than it already is. I press a gentle kiss to the underside of his jaw before saying, “I know, but then it’ll be harder to leave.”
Nikolas pulls back so that his eyes can capture mine. “So don’t,” he says as his gaze turns intense.
I stare at him. “You mean stay permanently?”
“Why not? You’ll be safer under my protection than you would overseas. There’s no guarantee that someone won’t unearth your real identity.”
For a brief moment, my heart quickens as I entertain the idea, but then logic makes its usual appearance. Nothing has been said about entering
into a relationship. If I stayed, it’d be for what we have right now, which is sex. Yes, I think we care about each other, but there haven’t been any declarations of love, and I’m not sure I’m there yet, and I doubt Nikolas is. There’s also the obvious fact that if I stay, I become embroiled with his cartel. Accepting his protection long term is the same as declaring that I’m linked to it permanently. If I ever decide that just sex isn’t enough for me, I’ll have a target on my back once more. My heart turns heavy. I don’t have it in me to do casual. I’m an ‘all in or nothing’ type of woman.
Nikolas is waiting for my response, and I know the moment I decline his offer, he will take it as rejection.
Tears sting the backs of my eyes, but I fight them off as I meet his gaze. “If I stay, I’ll still be linked to a cartel,” I say quietly, the words heavy in the air.
His eyes search mine. “Would that be so bad?”
“This life isn’t for me, Nikolas,” I whisper, knowing that I’m ruining the moment we’d just shared.
A thick silence falls over us, and I don’t know what else to say. Nikolas certainly isn’t being forthcoming with his thoughts. Instead, his eyes have that shuttered look to them again, and I know he’s shutting down on me.
“It’s late,” I say finally.
He nods and helps me ease off his lap.
* * *
The following morning, I give Tomàs the information that Nikolas was waiting on. Then, I go to the study and claim my favorite chair as I stare out the window. This is it. I’ll be leaving as soon as my itinerary has been finalized.
I draw in a deep breath and struggle against the tears that burn my eyes and clog my throat. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m going to miss Nikolas far more than I was expecting to. I already long to go to him and tell him that I didn’t mean to hurt him, that I’m not rejecting him but trying to protect my heart. If I already care for him this much, what will that turn into after weeks or months of sex? He didn’t offer me anything more than that, and I don’t have it in me to ask for more, because I don’t know if he’s capable of giving it. I don’t want to take that chance and find out that he can’t, and then I’m left gutted all over again.
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