by John Hughes
A few minutes later Paula sent a text in response: Mrs Doyle would say… give it a try anyway… go on go on. Besides, you made a pledge and pledges are binding.
Elaine shook her head in disbelief. Ur mental, do u honestly expect me 2 stick to this? We were just mucking about surely.
Try it. I don’t want an old maid for a friend.
Elaine switched off her phone and all but threw it onto the little round table by her side. Ridiculous! Not worth spending any more time over. She focused on her laptop and logged on to Plenty of Fish. There were twenty messages in her inbox. Six had no photo so she deleted them immediately. Then she sat back, sipped some water, and began ploughing her way through the rest. An hour later she had whittled them down to three and by the end of the afternoon had arranged a date for Wednesday and another for the weekend. The third candidate had fallen by the wayside having been too curious too soon about the size of her breasts.
* * *
The following Sunday afternoon, having washed up and tidied away after lunch, and observed Duncan slump into a doze on the sofa, Paula sat down at the computer in the spare bedroom and tapped in her email address and password. To her surprise, and delight, there was a message from LaineyLou timed half an hour earlier. The email contained no message, but it had an attachment. Paula opened the Excel spreadsheet. Two sets had been populated. She gazed in fascination at the entries:
Name. 1:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
HUGH
Wed 3.5.17
2 hours
Yes
Hope so
Yes
Feedback:
Good start, really nice guy, enjoyed his company, made me laugh. Smelt really nice. Loads in common. 2 hours flew by. Goodnight kiss made me tingle. Probably the nicest man I’ve met since I started dating again. Reckon he’s minted, drives a BMW. Hey Paula maybe this wasn’t a bad idea after all. Not sure how he felt about me. See if he asks me out again. Bloody well hope so. If not 12 more chances left!
A good start indeed, agreed Paula. Maybe thirteen dates wouldn’t be necessary after all! She scrolled down.
Name. 2:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
FRANK
Sat 6.5.17
40 mins
No
No way
No!
Feedback:
All the things Hugh was… this guy wasn’t. Arrogant, rude, condescending. A knob. End of.
Oh dear! Paula couldn’t help giggling. You win some you lose some I suppose. She tapped out a text to Elaine: Hugh is hot, Frank is not? LOL
Too right! came the instant reply.
Have you heard from him – Hugh I mean?
Yeh sent me a text saying he enjoyed meeting and let’s do it again, nothing since.
Do I get to see a photo?
Maybe when this is all over, you can see all 13.
Meany.
The following Sunday was a repeat. After lunch, Paula disappeared upstairs with a coffee and logged on. An email from Elaine was waiting for her with an updated spreadsheet attached.
Name. 3:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
DAVE
Tue 9.5.17
30 mins
No
No
No
Feedback:
Frank’s twin brother! 30 mins of my life I resent having wasted forever being talked at by a beer bellied twat as he stared round the pub at every other female with a pulse. Know any good convents?
Yikes! A couple of bad ones on the trot. What next!
Name. 4:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
JON
Fri 12.5.17
1 hr 10 mins
If desperate
If desperate
Not even if desperate
Feedback:
Decent enough guy, quite enjoyed his company, he was very nervous and unsure of himself, saw his hand shaking at one stage, lacks confidence and charisma. A friend maybe? Maybe not. Have met a dozen like him before. Miss Perfect is out there somewhere for him but I’m not her. Shame coz he writes really well and sends lovely messages.
She turned to her phone and sent a text: I feel sorry for Jon. Any news from Hugh?
No!
The next weekly update arrived early this time. On Friday evening Paula checked her emails and found a new one which had been there since the night before.
Name. 5:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
GLYNN
Sun 14.5.17
40 mins
No
No
No
Feedback:
Married! Could tell as soon as we met. Didn’t look anything like his photo, probably a mate’s or stolen off Facebook. Preoccupied with his phone, kept nipping off to the loo, to text her indoors I reckon. I saw a line of paler skin round the fourth finger on his left hand, where his ring sits. In his pocket probably. I tested him by asking for his home number, some bullshit answer about it being out of order. Not to worry, I said, let’s have a second date in the week, I’ll come and pick you up, what’s your address? More bullshit. Been there done that before. Must think I’m stupid. Hate sodding time wasters!
A thought popped in to Paula’s head. She wondered if Duncan was playing around like this; on Plenty of Fish with no photo (or a false one), seeing if he could catch a bit on the side. Would explain why their sex life was non-existent if he was getting it elsewhere. Perhaps he didn’t always go to darts twice a week. The thought vanished. He wouldn’t, not Duncan. Didn’t have it in him. He loved his darts.
Name. 6:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
SIMON
Wed 17.5.17
2 hours
Yes then No
Never
No
Feedback:
Was going really well, attractive, fun dinner together, lots of chat, made me laugh, and I was thinking this guy I could really go for, all good UNTIL… saying goodnight in the car park. Hands everywhere, on my tits, up my skirt, over my arse and his tongue so far down my throat I thought I was gonna gag. When he realised he wasn’t getting any he just walked over to his car and drove off.
Lucky cow, thought Paula, imagining how good it would feel to have hands all over her tits and arse. Then as an afterthought: If he’d hung on until the second date he could have had the lot!
On Sunday they exchanged emails.
ELAINE: Hi, Paula. Well I heard from Hugh again, phoned me in the week and arranged to go out for dinner last night. Took me to a lovely restaurant – the French Horn at Sonning. Expensive! Told you he was minted, he paid thank god! Then back to my place, definitely passed the nookie test, he’s quite a stud… feel like I’ve been well and truly rogered this morning LOL. Sorry, I know, too much information. Really like him but not sure about his motives, reckon he could be a player. And if he’s seriously looking for someone he could easily go up market from me. Got a feeling that’s it, probably won’t hear from him again now he’s had his end away, but who knows, if this whole 13 dates thing doesn’t find me a husband I’d be happy to meet up with him once in a while to be wined and dined and the rest.
PAULA: Lainey, don’t put yourself down. You may have wowed him too for all you know. Hope so, he sounds like a bit of a catch. The French Horn is really posh! Never been but would love to. The best Duncan can do for a treat is a Harvester or Wetherspoons. By the way that Simon sounds a nasty piece of work. I hope you fought him off bravely in that car park. How horrible to be mawled like that, although as a frustrated wife I wouldn’t mind the attention. Only kidding. Disgusting behaviour. So, six dates – nearly halfway. How you feeling about it all, or are you quietly setting your hopes on Hugh?
ELAINE: Hugh’s not gonna come to anything, I’m pretty certain, so I’ll plod on, besides you told me a pledge is a pledge and I’ve got no choice. Can’t let you down! I’m chatting to several blokes at the moment, a Peter, an Aaron and another Peter, though he likes to be called Pete.
A week later came the next instalment. Paula had been dying to hear the latest and had emailed Elaine on the Friday evening begging for news. She got short shrift: You’ll have to wait!
As it turned out the update arrived on Saturday afternoon.
Name. 7:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
AARON
Tue 23.5.17
1 hr 50 mins
Yes
Yes
Quite poss!
Feedback:
Lovely guy, older than me (and older than he said he was in his profile!), late 40s I guess, but that’s fine, young at heart so numbers don’t always matter. Good looking, with a wicked sense of humour and made me feel very relaxed. Didn’t want to say goodnight. A gentleman too, just a peck on the cheek and a hug when we said goodnight. Nicer than Hugh? Maybe not but a very close second, seems very keen, things are looking up again! 2nd date already arranged.
Wow, thought Paula – competition for Hugh! A good thing to take her mind off him. This one sounded promising. Please God, let him be Mister Right. Next was one of the Peters.
Name. 8:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
PETER
Fri 26.5.17
45 mins
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Feedback:
Nice enough guy but not sure what I thought about him, the quiet enigmatic type. Curious, not sure if I fancied him or not and what I thought of him. No oil painting but there’s something about him… there’s like an inner flame burning in there, a tad sinister even. Tempted to try and get to the bottom of it if he asks me out again. Probably an axe murderer or something LOL.
This had Paula beginning to text but she changed her mind and emailed instead: Lainey, I’m really worried. Stay away from Peter if you get that vibe off him. A potential axe murderer – Jesus! Don’t you take any chances. Aaron sounds great, the best yet in my opinion. And you sound very keen on him. Stick with him pleeeeeeese?
ELAINE: Aw thanks honey, I appreciate your concern, but don’t worry, I forgot to say that Peter’s much too old for me, like fifty, dated him out of curiosity mostly. And way too long in the tooth to be a serial killer LOL. I’ll definitely heed your advice. I’ve got another Peter tomorrow, or Pete.
Paula felt reassured by Elaine’s reply. She clearly knew what she was doing and there’d be nothing happening with Peter.
Unusually, on Monday evening came a single update, presumably because Elaine wanted to get it off her chest and couldn’t wait until the weekend.
Name. 9:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
PETE
Sun 28.5.17
25 mins
Puke!
NOOO!
No brainer
Feedback:
AARRGGHH! Horror story! 15 years older than his pic at least, 10 stone heavier, no eye contact, no personality, no conversation, no brain. No way! Reckon someone else wrote his profile for him coz he could hardly speak English. Couldn’t get away fast enough. Went to the loo after 10 mins and was tempted to try and squeeze out of the window. He just sent me a text saying: gr8 date wens the next 1… to which the answer is NEVER!
Paula winced. She pinged off a text: God he sounds awful. My money’s on Aaron.
Later that evening, as Paula lay in bed reading, came a reply. U could be right, just had 2nd date, went well, he’s crazy about me.
Did you…?
I wanted to but he’s a bit backward at coming forward. Had a good snog though.
Who’s number ten then?
Reginald, on Wednesday. Sounds stuffy with a name like that but his messages are actually very funny. Seems familiar, might have dated him before in a previous life. AND… guess who’s been in touch…?
Hugh?
Hugh! Wants to take me out again.
Wow, u pleased?
You bet.
Still reckon Aaron’s the man.
I’m reserving judgment til I know if he can ring my bell.
RIGHT that’s enuf, I’m off. Nite Lainey xx
On Thursday came another single update.
Name. 10:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
REGINALD
Wed 31.5.17
3 hours
No
(see below)
(see below)
Feedback:
OMG Reggie the Wedgie – we went to school together! Great to see him, such a fabulous evening catching up and reminiscing. Thought he sounded familiar but didn’t recognise him from his photo and profile but he says he thought it was me. Was the class clown, still makes me laugh. Lost his wife to cancer last year… v. sad. Talking about organising a reunion. Don’t fancy him or anything but great to be back in touch, would love to see him again.
Then it was back to a Sunday afternoon message, again just a single entry and the longest yet. Paula’s eyes opened wider and wider with ever line.
Name. 11:
Date of Date:
Duration:
Shaggable?
2nd Date?
Marriable?
WES
Sat 3.6.17
4 hours
OH YES!
No
No