“Perfect,” I said. “How will that work?”
“Michelle will be here from seven AM to seven PM. Then it will be Joseph.”
“Great. Can’t wait.”
“I’m going to trust you not to hurt my team.”
I glared at him. “Really?”
“I’m as serious as the virus running through your brain.”
“Yeah, yeah. How am I going to get my blood without those two finding out the truth?”
“Tess will still bring it in, as usual. We will continue to hide it in a smoothie.”
I shuddered. “Can we figure out a different way? Because it’s disgusting. I gag on it every time.”
“I will see what we can come up with.”
Michelle walked into the chamber, a book in one hand and a coffee in the other. She smiled as she approached the bed. “Looks like we are going to really get to know one another.”
“Seems so.”
She set her things down and took my forearm, running her warm fingers around my IV. “Let me see your other arm.” When I held it out, she pursed her lips. “I don’t like all this bruising around your IV. We’ll keep it here, but if you blow out a vein, I’m going to suggest putting in a port.”
“A what?”
“A port. It’s a catheter that goes in a large vein in your chest.” She tapped up near my collarbone, then her brows furrowed as she stared at the Taser scarring. I really wished I had put on a shirt. Her gaze shifted to mine. I closed my eyes for a moment, praying to whatever god that she didn’t ask. “I’ve wanted to ask you about what happened here…”
I took a quick look at Erik. He smirked, probably wondering what tall tale I could conjure up with no more than a moment’s notice. “I wasn’t exactly the best-behaved teen. Matter of fact, I was a total knob. Still am. I may have gotten in trouble with the law a few times.” Her eyes widened and she stepped back. I grabbed her arm. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Walk away from me. I have no one else right now.”
She glanced at Erik as I tightened my grip on her arm. “Should I be fearful?”
When he shook his head, I said, “Yes.”
Erik forced out a laugh. “Luke, stop trying to scare her. Your sense of humor isn’t on point. Actually, it’s rather dreadful.”
Michelle faced me again. Seeing the fear in her big brown eyes, I smiled. “Just kidding.” She flashed a small smile, but it was easy to see she was uncomfortable. “So, the port… It sounds pleasant.”
She stared into my eyes for another moment. “Don’t be a big baby. It’s not that bad. I’m well-versed in the procedure.”
“Thank fuck for that.”
“Are you all set, Michelle?” Erik asked.
“Yes. I will call if I need to.”
He pointed his finger at me. “You be good to her. And everyone else, for that matter.”
“Of course. I’m an agreeable bloke. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know all about that,” he said over his shoulder, heading out the door.
“Well, this has been an awkward situation so far,” she said.
“My apologies. I have a dark sense of humor at times.” Kind of goes along with the demons running my life.
I settled back as she switched the IV line from the fluids to the anti-serum. She puttered around the chamber, bringing things over to the bed—a waste bin, a cup of water, mouthwash.
Brilliant. Now I can heave without having to get out of bed. Oh, the joy.
The chill from the anti-serum crept into my body. She looked over her shoulder at me when I let out a loud sigh.
“Are you okay?”
“Dandy.”
“I don’t want you to worry. Me being here is a good thing. I will be able to catch a cardiac event earlier than last time.”
I stared at her. I will admit that she was stellar to look at, but she wasn’t Elaina. She didn’t have the same…attitude maybe? Maybe it was the lack of deviousness in her eyes. I wasn’t so sure.
I did know one thing for certain. Michelle didn’t have the same ass as Elaina. Hers was nice to look at, small and tight, but nothing like the plump and rounded one to which I was accustomed. Christ, I missed my wife.
“Michelle, can you help me with something?”
“Of course,” she said, walking back to me.
“I’d like to make a video for my wife. I’m trying to chronicle this journey.” I reached for the nightstand drawer, hissing when the IV tugged.
“Let me get that.” She reached down, her hand brushing against mine, and picked up the video camera. Flipping it over a few times, she turned it on, pointing it at me. “Okay… Recording.”
I stared into it for a moment before turning away.
She lowered the camera. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t.”
“Can’t do what?”
“This… Talk to my wife through a camera with you here.”
“Pretend I’m not here.”
“Because that is easy to do. Just shut it off.”
She raised the camera again, pointing it at me. “Nope. Now, what did you want to say?”
Fucking bird. I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled before facing the camera. “I just want to reiterate how sorry I am. I should’ve told you the plan. I should have done so many things…and not done so many things. I almost died a bit ago.”
“Correction. You were dead.”
I flung my hand out. “Elaina, meet one of the nurses responsible for keeping me alive.”
She turned the camera on herself. “Hi, I’m Michelle. And yes, he was dead, but we resuscitated him. This is why…” She spun the camera back around, “he is connected to all these monitors now, which he despises.”
“Yeah.” I pointed up to the bag on the IV pole. “This is what’s killing me. Within the hour, I’ll probably be puking my brains out, and Michelle is lucky enough to witness it. I’m sure you’re jealous because I know how much you loved cleaning up my vomit when I was drunk.”
“Did you drink a lot?” Michelle asked.
“Yeah. I’m an alcoholic, but I’ve been dry for a little bit…thanks to Elaina. She worked hard to get me sober. And this is what I do to her.” I sighed. “I’m such a fuck-up.”
Michelle sat on the bed, keeping the camera focused on me. “I don’t see it that way. Look at what you’re doing. You’re trying to get well.”
“No offense, Michelle, but you hardly know me.”
“But you have been talking to the therapist.”
“Yeah, and look where that’s gotten me. Twenty-four/seven suicide watch.”
“We don’t want to lose you, Luke. We want to send you home healthy…mind, body, and soul.”
“That’ll never happen. If you only knew all of the awful things I’ve done.”
“Talk to PJ about it.”
“No thanks.”
“Then talk to me about it. Patient confidentiality. I would never repeat your words.”
That was a tempting offer, but I couldn’t do it. “No, I don’t want to burden you with my atrocities. Anyway, Elaina, I love and miss you all. I hope Nicky is doing good. You are the most amazing mother to my lad.” I glanced away and covered my face, my eyes welling with tears. “Fuck. I’m sorry. Shut it off.”
Michelle turned off the camera and stared at me, as if she weren’t sure what she should do. She stood and set it on the nightstand, then faced me.
“Here. It’s okay.” She wrapped her arms around me as I cried like a bloody fucking baby in her arms.
Could this get more awkward?
She rubbed my back.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, choking. “I’m just scared.” Yes, it absolutely could get waaay more awkward.
“It’s okay to be scared.” She took me by the shoulders and pushed me back so she could look into my pathetic gaze. “This whole process is very scary and very real.” She swiped away my tears with
her thumbs. I enjoyed the attention. Loving, affectionate. “I want you to know I will do everything in my power to keep you from dying. I want you to get back home, especially to your son. He needs his daddy.”
I nodded. Did he? If I ever make it out of here, he will surely hate me for what I put them through.
“Your job is to get well. All you need to focus on is that. Whatever it takes, I will keep you on this side of the living. Deal?”
Michelle’s pure honesty and determination made me feel a little more secure. I wiped away the lingering tears. “Deal.”
She held out her hand, pinky finger up. I stared it for a moment. When I glanced into her eyes, she lifted a brow, her lips twitching into a smirk. “Pinky swear?”
It reminded me of Julianna back at Addie’s house before we made it to the port. I wondered how they fared, hoping they all survived.
“What are you? Five?” I asked.
“Do it.”
I grumbled, “Pinky swear.” I hooked my finger around hers and shook my head, smiling. “You’re something else, you know that?”
Dropping the sacred handshake, she shrugged, then grabbed her breasts with both hands. “Definitely a woman. Other than that…”
“Jesus Christ.” I broke into rolling laughter…until it hit me like a truck. “Fuck…” I looked around for the bin. Luckily, she understood my panicked expression and jammed it right into me just in time for me to vomit.
And so it began again.
PART TWO
“I will walk through the flames of hell for you.”
—Gunther, Awakened Desires, 2014
Chapter 23
-Gamebridge, New York-
It was close to two months since Henry’s suicide. Thanksgiving had come and gone, but Elaina still wasn’t really participating in life. Rarely did she leave the bed, let alone do much around the house. With Christmas only days away, it seemed hopeless. Anne continued to take care of Nicky, but she had remained despondent.
Elaina became too thin, bones protruding, muscles wasting, hair falling out. Anne would force-feed her bites of food. She knew it wasn’t fair with her grieving, but this was how Henry wanted it. She was following his orders to a tee.
Having read the entries more than once a day, the end of her mourning period was closer than she wanted. Elaina opened Henry’s journal and placed the ninety-ninth tick mark at the top of the page. One more read-through and it would end.
No matter how many times her gaze traveled over the perfectly penned letters, the crushing pain in her chest wouldn’t ease, leaving her debilitated with guilt. She wiped at her cheeks, her lips silently moving as she read each word once more.
My Dearest Elaina,
When I said everything would be okay, it was a promise. Because it will be. What I did today had nothing to do with you. Nothing at all. I beg you, don’t beat yourself up over it. I just couldn’t do life anymore. I couldn’t hear the voices, see the sights, fear the dreams, and think about the virus anymore. I’ve ruined more lives than I care to tell you.
As you are quite aware, it’s been a long, difficult progression of my illnesses this past year or so. A downward slope for me. As much as I wanted an upswing for you and our family, I just dragged you all through each and every meltdown, angry rant, and abusive behaviour.
Understand this… You are the most amazing woman, wife, and mother anybody could ask for. You’re beautiful…stunning. You’re kind, generous, loving, accepting, not to mention the best lover a man could ever hope for. You always brought stars to my darkness.
Most of all, my love, you are resilient.
Read this letter one hundred times, then shut the journal and put it in a drawer. Only open it again when Nicky is old enough to understand and you can read it to him. I don’t want you to mourn me any longer than that. You are to live. Something you can do without me always dragging you down.
I love you so much, Elaina. So, so much. Watching you sleep, mothering my son, making love to me. You are amazing with every breath you take. My heart only beat for you and Nicky. I cannot apologize enough for all I’ve done to you, the hurt I brought you.
I want you to move forward and find true happiness. You know, as well as I do, I wasn’t giving that to you, especially after the many horrific things I did. I want you to find Nicky the best man possible to help guide him. With so many issues keeping me from focusing on him, I wasn’t that man. I want what is best for him and you.
I was not it.
I love you always, my black-haired beauty with blue as the sky eyes. Never forget that.
Until we meet again,
Henry
P.S. Don’t be mad at Gunther about any of this. It’s not his fault. Tell the nutter I will find Quinn and his unborn. I do imagine they are watching over him and Grey.
P.P.S. EAT!
Tears streamed down her sunken cheeks. She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to keep the sobs in. Wiping her face with her sleeve, she flipped the page carefully, ensuring it stayed neat and crisp, just as Henry would like. As she stared at the letter for Nicky, she rubbed her hand over the endless pain in her chest. The tears kept coming, forcing her to reach for a tissue.
My son,
First, I want to apologize for all that has happened in your world, but do know and understand I love you so much and will always watch over you. I had the privilege to be there for your big arrival, even more so to have you as my son.
When you look at the sky, I’ll be there to listen. When you feel love in your heart, I’m thinking of you. When you dream of me, I’m sending you a message. I promise to visit you every moment I can.
I want you to grow up to be a proper young man. A gentleman. One who takes care of his mother. One who is respectful, honest, and loving. One who properly educates himself. I want you to take every opportunity I never had and make something of yourself.
Be adventurous.
Be of sound mind.
Run far, laugh loud, cry if you need to.
Don’t fear the unknown. Embrace it.
Live your life to the fullest and never regret a thing.
A mistake done is a lesson learned.
Don’t dwell on the past. Look forward to tomorrow.
Most of all, Nicky, always remember the love that surrounds you because, no matter what, that will never waver.
You, my son, will move mountains like no man ever could. You will bring peace and joy to everyone’s lives.
I’ll hold you every night until you’re resting in a peaceful slumber. Until we connect again… I love you with all my heart and am already so very proud of you.
Da-da
“I don’t understand you. You were good for him. He is part of you,” Elaina said, crying. “This letter proves your worth in his life.”
It took a moment to gather herself enough to read the next entry. Crumpled tissues in hand, she turned the page and let out a loud sigh.
Mum,
What can I say? I’ve only known you for a short period in comparison to my life, but you are every mother a son could hope for. You did all you could for me. Don’t regret a thing. None of this is your fault. This is on me. Please, do not blame yourself for my sicknesses or my troubles.
Again, it is not your fault.
I loved every minute, every second I had with you, Mum. I love you. Please, take care of Elaina and be patient with her. She will need someone to coax her to eat and drink. She will need help with Nicky for a bit, as well.
Until Elaina is ready to live again, I need you to be that strong woman I know you are. I will be there for you. To listen, to lean on, to support you. Talk to me, sing to me, pray to me. It will not go unheard.
I hope you can make a nice life for yourself now. I’m no longer a burden. I would love you to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life. Someone to share your happiness, be there during your dark times. You deserve the love of a decent man.
I’m so glad we found you. Thank you for being there f
or me, and thank you for helping with Elaina and Nicky.
I love you.
Luke
Her throat straining, Elaina choked out another sob. Not for what she had just read, but for what was to come on the next page. She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to see the words that drove a stake through her heart, but in order to complete Henry’s request, she had no choice.
Elaina turned the page and sucked in a deep breath as her gaze landed on the simple note.
Gunther,
I forgive you.
Henry
Sniffling, Elaina closed the journal. She held it close to her chest, knowing she only had one more time to read it before she had to put it away.
A hiss pushed through her lips when the corner of the book dug into her breast. She groaned, rubbing at the soreness. It ached, tender to the touch.
When the realization hit, Elaina gasped. She sat straight up and searched the bed for her phone to call Cora. Before she could even say hello, Elaina began rambling, crying, unable to control anything coming out of her mouth.
“I think I’m pregnant.” She choked out a sob. “I don’t know what to do… How do I do this? My breasts are tender. They haven’t hurt this much since I was pregnant with Nicky. Oh god… I can’t do this. Help me,” she whimpered.
“Take a deep breath, Elaina,” Cora said. “Getting this worked up isn’t going to help.”
“I know. I just… I can’t. I can’t do this alone.”
Cora sighed. “Let’s get something straight right now. First, you are not alone. We all are here for you…if you allow us to be. Second, yes, you can.”
“I can’t! I’m a terrible mother to my son right now.”
“Elaina, listen to me. You are not a terrible mom. You are an amazing mother who is going through some serious emotional issues due to the tragic loss of your husband. Have you talked to Anne?”
“No. It just occurred to me seconds before I called. I’m panicking. Pregnancy wasn’t even in my mind. I’ve been bleeding a little, but it’s been very spotty. I just thought it was because of my poor nutrition.”
Full Circle (Shattered Lives, Book Five) Page 18