Full Circle (Shattered Lives, Book Five)

by Rissa Blakeley

  “No, son. I’m healthy. I don’t suffer with all those debilitating issues. I still won’t touch a drink because I used that to cover up my mental and physical pain.”

  “Then why did you abandon us? Why not come back once you were better?”

  “I need you to understand one thing. I walked away because I loved you and your mother so much, I didn’t want to bring any chaos back into your life.”

  “That doesn’t make sense,” he bit out. “If you were better, like you said—”

  “I wasn’t sure. There was no guarantee.”

  “Maybe you could’ve at least wrote a ‘nice to know you, now fuck off’ note.”

  “Nicky, after the team of specialists cured me, I did go back to New York. At first, fury filled me when I saw your mum with Will, but then I noticed something so profound, it rocked me to my core.”

  Nick furrowed his brows. “What?”

  “He made your mum blissfully happy. The way she smiled at Will. The way she interacted with him. She never looked at me or smiled at me like she did with him. Then you… You laughed with him. Squealed in delight when you saw him. Then I saw the precious lass. I wanted to choke the life out of him for bedding my wife, but—”

  “She’s not Will’s biological daughter,” he said, cutting me off.

  I gazed at Michelle for a split second, then again at Nicky. “I’m sorry?”

  “Charlotte… Well, I call her Charli. She isn’t Will’s. Charli is your daughter.”

  I sat in silence, staring at nothing, as debilitating emotional pain flooded in. I wanted to scream, thrash, get violent. I felt the whispering adrenaline find its voice and barge to the surface. My body quaked as I tried to contain it, but it was hopeless.

  In haste, I stood and stormed out of the office and back into the store. I needed to move, settle the rush, but I couldn’t, no matter how much I paced. Pushing my hands through my hair, I grumbled obscenities. Balling my hands into fists, I looked around for something to punch, throw, tear apart. There was nothing nearby I could destroy that wouldn’t hurt Michelle or my son.

  I dropped to my knees, letting out a roar of anger, frustration, sadness.

  Michelle rushed to my side and knelt in front of me. “You didn’t know. You didn’t know, Luke.” Panting, I watched the tears trickle down her cheeks. She felt my pain. “We’ll get this figured out. I love you,” she whispered, embracing me. “Whatever you need to do, we’ll do it.”

  “Umm… Pops?” I looked over my shoulder. Nick had his phone in his hand. “Granny is still alive and, well…” He held it out to me. “She wants to talk to you.”

  Chapter 55

  I sat at the dining table in Michelle’s flat. My son sat across from me, Michelle next to me, her hand gripping my thigh.

  With the phone pressed to my ear, I bounced my leg, my heart racing. “I’m sorry, Mum,” I strained through my tight throat. “I want to explain everything to you. I just don’t know where to begin.”

  “Whatever happened, I’m left feeling angry with your choices, not you,” she said, doing her best to be strong.

  “It’s well-deserved. Your anger and sadness are justified.”

  I gazed up at my son, his red-rimmed eyes speaking volumes. “Nick said he wants to get to know me.”

  “As he should, but you also need to come to a decision.”

  “I will. I just need a few days to let this settle in.”

  “As do I. I need to go. I’ll keep this quiet.”

  “Thank you, Mum.”

  “I love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Once the call disconnected, I set the phone on the table gently, still in shock over what had happened in the past half-hour.

  “So now what?” Nick asked.

  I looked up at him. “I don’t know.”

  “You have to go back,” he countered. “At the very least to meet Charli and apologize to my mother for this whole…” He waved his hand through the air, his face scrunched, as if he just ate a spoonful of something bitter, “fucked-up situation.”

  “I have to agree with him, Luke,” Michelle added, her hand tightening around my thigh. “You can’t expect your mum and him to keep your existence a secret. It’s just not fair to them.”

  “I don’t expect that at all. I just need a little ti—”

  Slamming his fist on the table, Nick said, “Fuck that, Pops. I’m leaving in a week. You fly out with me. That’s the deal.” He shrugged and sat back in the chair.

  I looked at Michelle. “Come with me. I’ll need the support.”

  “Who will run the store?”

  I shut my eyes for a moment. “Right… Fuck.”

  “Well, looks like it’s just you and me, Pops.”

  “You make me sound old.”

  “All that gray hair and salt-and-pepper beard doesn’t help your position of ‘I’m Still a Twenty-Something at Heart’.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” I said, rubbing my beard.

  Michelle kissed me on the cheek. “My silver fox.”

  “Gross,” Nick said, rolling his eyes.

  “What are you? Twelve?” I asked. “You expect me to believe you’ve never loved on your significant other in front of your mother or Will?”

  “That’s not the point. I don’t want to think about my parents getting it on. It’s a horrific thing to walk in on, you know.”

  “You have your mother’s sense of humor.”

  “So I’ve heard,” he muttered.

  I lifted a brow. “Let’s hope you can control the snark.”

  He pointed at me and clicked his tongue. “Don’t count on that one, either.”

  Michelle and I let out some much-needed laughter.

  “Do you have a hotel room?” I asked.

  “Nope. Not yet. I couldn’t wait. I had to come here first.”

  “You’re more than welcome to stay with us. My flat is across the hall. It’s only a one-bedroom, but you can have my bed. I’ll take the couch.”

  “The couch is fine. Thank you.”

  “Thank you,” I said with a nod. He furrowed his brows and tilted his head. “For confronting me. I would never have been able to find the bollocks to go back on my own.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, yawning.

  “Follow me. I’ll show you my flat. You can lie down until dinner, if you’d like.”

  “I’ll call for pizza.” Michelle went into the kitchen to make the call as Nick and I stood and headed for the door.

  “I wonder how England pizza compares to New York pizza. I guess I’m about to find out.”

  Taking a chance, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders. “Nick, I have loved you since the moment your mother told me she was pregnant. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  “It hurts a little.”

  “Yeah. I’ve messed up a lot in my life. Way more times than I’d ever care to tell you.”

  We walked out of Michelle’s flat, crossed the hall, and stepped into mine.

  “Smaller in here,” he said, looking around. “But nice, comfortable.”

  Yawning, he dropped onto the couch. A moment later, his soft snores echoed through the living room.

  Chapter 56

  After turning on the lamp on the nightstand, I dropped onto my bed, the headboard bouncing off the wall. Scrubbing my face, I let out a moan, exhausted.

  I hadn’t been so overwhelmed in years. My past was always a whisper in my mind, wondering how my family fared.

  Did they miss me?

  Maybe.

  Did they hate me?

  Probably.

  Did they want to forget the dark smudge of my existence?

  More than likely.

  Now my son, a grown young man facing the black pit of hopelessness, wanted a relationship? I wanted to go back so many times just to get a peek at him, but I was too chicken-shit.

  Getting Elaina pregnant the night before I left was, in a way, a nightmare. I had a daughter who knew nothing of me, o
nly learning about me through memories and photographs everybody else shared with her. I wasn’t there to watch her come into this crazy, chaotic world, nor was I there to take the baby cuddling nightshift so Elaina could get some rest.

  That guilt left a substantial hole in my heart.

  How could I be in her life? Would she even want that?

  If she didn’t, I wouldn’t blame her one bit.

  I missed everything. Every little moment, good and bad.

  I could feel the inevitable downward spiral coming. I needed someone right then. Thank fuck I had a good bird at my side whenever my weakness rolled in like a weather event the size of a category bazillion hurricane.

  I pulled my phone from my pocket and texted Michelle.

  I don’t know how to deal with this.

  She texted back immediately.

  You’re doing well. We will get everything ironed out and it will all be okay.

  Such an optimist.

  It doesn’t feel like it will.

  It will. I promise.

  ’Chelle, I’m scared. Check that… I’m fucking terrified.

  Moments later, the door to my flat opened and closed. She came through the bedroom doorway and paused, staring at me.

  “Luke…” She trailed off, closing the door.

  “I just… What if I slip and fall back into the madness?”

  “I’ll be there to catch you,” she said softly, walking to the bed. She stretched out next to me, running her fingers through my hair. “You can increase your sessions with PJ, maybe tweak your meds until you become settled.”

  “Yeah… Maybe.” I shifted to cuddle her closer. “They will always look at me like my intentions aren’t good or I won’t follow through. My track record isn’t stellar, by any means. I flaked out on them. Why the fuck would any of them, especially my kids, want anything to do with me?”

  “They may not, but you’ll have to try to change their opinion about you. It’s all you can do. That and prove to them you want a good, healthy relationship with them.”

  I rolled onto my side, facing her, resting a hand on her waist. “But what if I can’t? What if, no matter what I do, I go batshit crazy and turn into the psycho they knew me as? What if my daughter would rather watch me flounder and fail than accept the love I want to give?”

  “Do your best to show them you’re stepping up as a man and a father.”

  “They won’t trust me…”

  “Again, you’ll have to prove it to them.”

  “How do I become a parent?”

  “Luke, there’s no way of knowing what will happen. You just have to trust yourself and have faith they’ll see the man you are now.”

  “It doesn’t excuse my absence.”

  “And it never will, but you can be there now.” I shifted, getting closer, her minty breath tickling my cheek. “Look at your son…our son. He’s a good lad. You obviously had some influence in his life.” She gazed into my eyes and stroked my cheek. “Look, you screwed up, no one is denying that, but I have faith in you and know you can make all of this work. If you feel like you’re getting overwhelmed, do as I suggested and increase your sessions with PJ. Either way, I think you should give him a call.”

  “I just—”

  She pressed her finger to my lips. “Stop overthinking. One day at a time. We’ll get through this together. You, Luke Richards, are a good man. I’m certain your son sees this or he wouldn’t still be here, sleeping on your couch.”

  She wiggled closer until our bodies touched. I couldn’t help but kiss her and run my hand up her side, holding her close.

  Breaking the kiss, I whispered, “What about us? How will all this affect our relationship?”

  “I love you, the good and the bad bits equally. I don’t care what anyone says about you. I know the man and the love that is in here.” She poked at my chest.

  “All I can think about is what a jackoff I’ve been.”

  Michelle smirked. “We all have our moments.”

  “But—”

  “Luke, shut up. Take me. Release some of this insecurity.” She snaked her arm between us and reached down, grabbing my cock. “I want you to use me to help get some of this pent-up energy out of your body.”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  Regardless of my state, it never took much to convince me to have sex, and it was so much easier when I had a hot as fuck bird willing to do whatever I needed.

  She made everything fade out, helping me work through my issues. I couldn’t have asked for a better person with whom to share my life.

  The door to the flat closing startled Nick. He wasn’t sure if he should get up and see what was going on. One thing he did know was that he had zero energy left and his body felt like a wiggly noodle.

  The quiet shuffling of small feet went past, making him realize it had to be Michelle. Or would she be his step-mom? Or mom?

  Christ, what would he call her? He had no idea how to approach the situation.

  After hearing her say his father’s name, the door of the bedroom closed, their voices muffled. It went on for about five or ten minutes, then he heard a loud moan.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Nick grumbled.

  He sat up and looked around for a pillow or something to put over his head to keep the sounds of parent sex from infiltrating his mind. Nick pulled a blanket over his head, praying either he fell back to sleep or their gross moment would soon end.

  When the doorbell rang out in the hall, Nick whispered, “Pizza… Thankyouthankyouthankyou.” He leapt off the couch, relieved he could escape the noise.

  Chapter 57

  After yesterday’s events and an evening of self-loathing, it was nice to sit across from my son and enjoy breakfast together.

  Michelle came out of my bedroom, already showered and dressed, and walked up to me. She brushed her hand across my bare chest before leaning down and kissing my cheek. As she ran her hand up to my shoulder, I pulled her in for little more of a kiss, both of us smiling as it lingered.

  She pulled away. “I’ll be downstairs, opening the store.”

  Nick fake gagged, making me look at him with a raised brow. “Really? How old are you?”

  “Doesn’t matter, Pops. I don’t ever want to see or hear parental sex. Oh, and I took care of the pizza while you all were…getting it on like goddamn bunny rabbits.”

  “It was a kiss!” Michelle exclaimed, making me laugh.

  “Last night was more than just a kiss. I’m not kidding. Don’t think I didn’t hear her sneak in last night. I wanted to die when I heard the racket.” A scowl on his face, he swished his hand through the air, gesturing toward my bedroom.

  My face heated a little. “Sorry. I’m not used to having to be quiet.” Then I looked up, threw him an impish grin, and shrugged. “I tried, but she’s brilliant.” I stabbed another slice of strawberry with my fork.

  Nick groaned. “Seriously, I might puke.”

  Michelle laughed at the exchange. “I was thinking. Why don’t you and Nick spend the day together? Go do stuff. Show him around London. I can handle the store today.”

  Grateful of her thoughtfulness, I asked, “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Spend some time together. Get to know one another.”

  “Sounds good. Thanks, babe.”

  “Of course.” She squeezed my shoulder and headed out the door, me watching every sway of her hips.

  “Pops, you got it bad for her,” Nick said, laughing, placing a piece of melon in his mouth.

  “Yeah, I do.” I smiled, gazing at him. “Are you having sex?”

  He coughed, choking on it. “What the hell kind of question is that?”

  “A parental question.”

  He stared at me for a moment, looking stunned. “I wrapped up my virginity in a fancy box with a nice bow and tossed it out the window when I turned sixteen. I’ve been with her ever since.”

  I pointed the fork at him. “You be careful.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah…”
He set his fork down, his gaze locked on my right forearm. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course. You can ask me anything.”

  “What do all your tattoos mean? I saw the one on your back in a picture, but I didn’t realize you had those bands around your arm, too.”

  I held out my arm. “This is something I’ve only been doing for the past couple years.”

  “What does it all mean?”

  I looked at my arm, twisting it a bit, staring at the mass of bands that practically covered my arm from elbow to wrist. In between all the darkness, a red, two blue, and four light purple bands stood out.

  “Well… Most of them represent people who were closest to my heart and died because of my actions.”

  “Because of you?” I nodded, my emotions rising. I did my best to swallow them back. “It’s okay, Pops. You don’t have to tell me.”

  “No, it’s fine. Two of the purple bands are for Claire and Willow.”

  “I know about them. Mom’s best friend and niece who died at childbirth.”

  “Yes. The third is for Quinn. She was Gunther’s bird before Cora. The fourth is for their unborn child.”

  “How did you know the sex?”

  “It’s how he explained it to Grey when we left the school to go to the military camp. ‘A sissy, just like Kate and Callie.’”

  “Damn… I hate that you saw so many you loved die.”

  “The two blue bands…” I paused, thinking maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but this was my son and they were his blood. “Please, don’t say anything to ’Chelle. It’ll affect her.”

  He held up his hand. “You have my word, Pops.”

  “We lost two sons, late-term. Both stillborn.”

  “Brothers…” He trailed off in a whisper.

  “Yeah. Don’t say anything to your mum or granny. I should be the one who tells them.”

  “Of course.”

  “The first black one is for a lad named Josiah. He was about your age. He died helping us rescue your mum.”

  “Christ. I owe him my life.”

  “The next one is for Thomas. Not long after the whole mess went down, he tried to kill me. Eventually, he ended up saving my life, becoming like a little brother to me. He died defending our community.” I bit down on my lip, the pain becoming intense. I pointed at the thickest black one. “This one… Fuck.”