by Nicole Helm
“Jeez, you’d think I was revealing state secrets or something. What are you all so afraid to miss?”
“Why suddenly our Leah, the Leah who gives Jacob the hardest time out of any of us, including Grace, his sister, has found herself in a sexual relationship with the guy.” Kelly closed the door. “His words. Not mine.”
“I don’t know. We...we just did.” And she didn’t need her friends making her feel self-conscious about it or, worse, changing her mind. Because things were kind of tenuous, even with the nice snowball-fight moment. She wasn’t...sure. That outburst after the Martin job. But he’d promised to ask and she’d promised not to be so snappy. So maybe she was sure but not confident. Not certain they could exist in the reality of the situation. Maybe “they” could exist only in pretend.
He’d called her stupid. Just like Mom did with every insinuation she couldn’t handle herself. And even if they’d talked through it, how did she know a similar situation wouldn’t crop up again? How did she know this wasn’t the fight they’d replay over and over until they couldn’t get past it?
Until she knew or understood or felt certain or whatever, she didn’t know what to say or how to say it to her friends, people who would want to help and support. “I’m not talking about this.”
“Why not?”
She pointed at Grace, not afraid to throw a friend under the bus. “Because Grace is engaged.”
“What?” Kelly and Susan shrieked in unison.
Grace scowled. “The rat bastard told you. I told him I wanted to be the one to tell you!”
“Ring, ring, ring!” Kelly snatched Grace’s left arm and then there was much oohing and aahing. Leah knew precisely nothing about jewelry, but the ring was sufficiently unique and sparkly, just like Grace.
“He did so good,” Susan said reverently.
“I thought for sure he enlisted Kelly’s help,” Grace said, looking so happy Leah felt bad for shutting them out. For turning the tables. Grace was happy, and she really deserved it.
“I had no idea,” Kelly was saying, turning Grace’s hand back and forth so the diamonds winked in the light. “Kyle picked this sucker out all on his own, as far as I know.”
Grace cradled her hand to her chest. “Aww.” She sniffled, her eyes getting shiny. Then Susan sniffled.
“Ugh. Crying. I’m out.” Leah bolted for the door, but Grace was too quick and blocked it.
“Not so fast, little missy,” she said, waving her finger in Leah’s face. “Time to face the Jacob music. And remember,” she said, softening, “we’re asking as friends. Not as coworkers or overprotective sisters. We just want to know what’s going on so we can be a part of your life.”
Which Leah knew and even understood, but sometimes it was too much. Because then she’d be tempted to cry over how lucky she was to have found this group of women and, ugh, she didn’t want to be a blubbering mess.
“We just...are dating, I guess.”
“Real dating, not pretending-for-your-parents dating?”
“Y-yes.”
“How did that happen?”
Leah clasped and unclasped her hands. “I don’t know. We just... I guess all the forced-proximity stuff and fake-relationship stuff and then I kissed him and things kind of...escalated from there.”
“Sex-calated,” Kelly giggled.
Grace pointed a threatening finger at Kelly. “None of that in my presence.”
Kelly stifled the rest of her laughter. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Well, it was kind of that at first,” Leah mumbled, feeling weird. She didn’t like being the center of attention like this, but it felt oddly...good to be telling people. Even if she didn’t tell them everything.
“But, I don’t know, Jacob seems to think we’d...do okay together.”
“Oh, Jacob seems to think. Well, the Leah we know and love is so inclined to do what other people think out of the goodness of her heart.”
Leah stuck her tongue out at Susan. “Okay, so I think that, too. And yes, I have feelings for him and want to be with him and blah, blah, blah. Can we be done now?”
Kelly slung an arm around Leah’s shoulders. “Aw, I think someone’s falling in love.”
“Oh, ew, no, don’t say that.”
“It’s cute. You two. Strange, but cute. They were making out in the snow when I found them.”
“Aw,” Susan said, leaning against Kelly.
Leah made a disgusted face then turned to Grace, who was studying her thoughtfully. Leah winced. Nothing good ever came from thoughtful expressions. “What?”
“I know I was...not exactly a supporter at first,” Grace said carefully.
“You weren’t?” Susan asked.
“No, I was worried Jacob might...be a little careless. Not on purpose. I just wasn’t sure he would have as much invested as Leah.”
“I think you underestimate him.”
That made Grace smile. “I’m glad you think that, really. And what I’m trying to say is, no matter what happens, we will be here for you.” Kelly and Susan nodded solemnly next to Grace.
And Leah supposed she should smile and say thank-you and group hug, but...she couldn’t shake the feeling... “As nice as that sentiment is, why do I feel like the subtext is we’re doomed to failure?”
The three women exchanged glances before they started to protest, but Leah saw it. The hesitation, the consideration.
“You guys don’t think it’ll work out.” Not a question because she knew that was what she saw on their faces. They supported her, yes, but only because she was going to fail.
“It’s not that.”
“It’s just...”
“Well...”
Leah looked at her three closest friends in the world. The women who’d kept her sane and happy the past few years. Friendship. Real, strong, lasting friendships like ones she’d never been able to make as a sick kid with an attitude problem.
And they were trying to be nice about it, but no one really thought she and Jacob could make this thing work. Whether it was because of their arguing or Jacob’s track record or her not-so-Suzy-Homemaker skills, they looked at her and the man she was, yeah, kind of in love with and saw a mismatch.
A bitter pill to swallow. But what else could she do? Wasn’t she a little unsure herself? “Maybe we could switch subjects? Summer wedding, Grace?”
No one jumped right into the chatter, but they eased into it. Discussing Grace and Kyle. Moving away from the uncomfortable topic of Leah’s doomed relationship.
Maybe if she had more faith in it herself it wouldn’t feel so damning, but there was an annoying piece of her brain that wondered if her heart had made a big fat mistake.
* * *
LEAH DIDN’T TALK much the rest of the day. She smiled when he told a joke, told some innocuous stories about her childhood over dinner with her family, but she didn’t seem...tuned in. It was all very detached.
Jacob had half a mind to call Grace and demand to know what had happened in her and Kelly and Susan’s little powwow in the guest room this afternoon.
Unless he was the problem. He thought they’d moved beyond his outburst after the Martins, but maybe...
“I think I’m going to go to bed,” Leah said, pushing away from the table. She gave her mother’s shoulder a squeeze. “And please don’t worry. I just have a little headache.” Leah left, everyone frowning after her.
“Is everything okay with her?” Mrs. Santino asked in a hushed whisper.
Jacob forced a reassuring smile. “Oh, we dealt with a difficult client all morning. Nearly impossible to escape without a headache or an ulcer. I’ll make sure she takes some ibuprofen and lies down.”
Mrs. Santino looked horrified. “Ibuprofen? That isn’t recommended for transplant recipients. Is she—”
“I misspoke,” Jacob interrupted, trying to backpedal without screwing everything up. “I just usually take ibuprofen. I know Leah can’t. More important, she knows she can’t.”
Mrs. Santino rested a hand over her heart. “Don’t scare me like that. Goodness. We really can’t move here soon enough.”
Jacob debated his next words, how much it was his business. But he and Leah were real now, so maybe he owed it to her to say something. Because as much as he had concerns, Mrs. Santino’s seemed above and beyond. “You understand how well she’s doing, right? How healthy she is. It isn’t...dire.” He had to believe that or he’d turn into the outburst guy too often and ruin everything.
“Yes, well, I understand how you can think that, Jacob, but I don’t have that luxury. Because I’ve watched her almost die too many times to not worry about every step she makes. And she’s finally let me back in her life. I won’t let that slip out of my fingers again.”
“I’m...” Sorry, speechless, sad for all of them. He couldn’t formulate a word in response to that.
“You should go check on her.”
Mrs. Santino had turned away, and Jacob looked helplessly at the other men in the room, but they both stared at their hands. So, there was no other choice but to walk away.
Floored. Hurt. Embarrassed. Scared.
He tried to breathe through the overwhelming emotion, but as he stepped into the hall, he saw Leah standing there, just outside her bedroom door.
He approached, not sure if she’d heard or what he should say or...anything.
“Still so sure about this?” she asked in a voice thick with tears.
“Yes.” Well, at least that word came out without a problem. Mrs. Santino’s words would haunt him, he imagined. Watched her almost die too many times...But it didn’t change his feelings or his determination he could give Leah something her family couldn’t. He would. He would not be Outburst Guy. He was going to be everything she wanted.
She kissed him and then pulled him inside. “Thanks for that.”
“You heard?”
“Most.”
“I’m pretty sure I shoved my foot in my mouth.”
Leah smiled. “Maybe, but I appreciate it.” She let go of his hand. “I’m going to get ready for bed.”
“Hey, about today...”
She stopped at the bathroom door, shoulders tensing. “Look. I know I’m being emo about the whole us thing. I just... It’s a lot at stake. It’s a big change. I don’t take risks like this. Not anymore, and when I did take risks, it never ended well.”
“I’m the best risk you’ll ever take.”
She smiled a little ruefully. “Well, probably a little less dangerous, anyway.” She examined the door frame as she spoke her next words. “I’m just still kind of working things out in my head. Everything is fine, though. I promise.”
“You can work things out with me, you know. I hear that’s how relationships work.”
“Well, I’ve never been any good at that.” She finally looked over at him as he settled himself on the edge of her bed. “I just... It’s one of those things where if everyone thinks you’re crazy, shouldn’t you consider that you are?”
“Not in this case.”
“Why not?”
“Because it isn’t about us. It’s about them. I mean, that’s what started your working things out, right? Whatever Kelly and Susan and Grace said?” Not me. Don’t be about me.
“Partially.”
So partially about him. Well, that he couldn’t fix with words. He’d have to show her. Be more careful. But the Grace et al thing? Well, he could ease her worries about that.
“Whatever they said, whatever doubts they put in your head, they’re not really about us. Trust me, ever since Grace made her displeasure known, I’ve been working it over in my head. Trying to figure out why she would feel that way when she loves us both. And the only logical conclusion is it’s them.”
“Them?”
“Yeah, and I know that makes them sound selfish, and I don’t mean it like that. It’s just...when I was all...not taking the whole Kyle and Grace thing very well, it was partially because I wasn’t dealing well with the threats to Grace from her ex, but partially, if I really examined it, it was because I was afraid of the change. My best friend and my sister were now closer to each other than they were to me, and it’s a crap way to view things, but it was my initial gut reaction. Grace is doing the same. Kelly and Susan are thinking about work. And after they get used to it, they’ll come to see...what we see.”
“You’re always so reasonable. So...smart. With Mom, with this.”
She seemed irritated by that, so he went for a little mood lightening. “That’s right, baby. Now, why don’t you come here and hop on.” He patted his lap with a grin. He was tired of...emo. He wanted to get to the good part. The part where it was just them and everyone else could screw off.
“I take it back,” she replied with a smirk. “You’re an idiot.”
“I figured you would. Come here.” She scowled at him, so he smiled. “Please? You said you can’t say no to my ‘please.’”
“And I will regret saying that every day for the rest of my life.” But she crossed the room. And when she stood in front of him seated on the edge of her bed, he took her hands.
“A lot of baggage sits between us, and they only know you fail at relationships and I’m prickly. Not the heart stuff. Maybe they aren’t wrong to think...to doubt.”
“Do you doubt?”
“Honestly? I have a lot of pretty deep-seated doubts. I think we’re a hard sell, but the chemistry is good enough you’re ignoring it.”
“You’re here with me, agreeing to it. So, if I’m ignoring, what are you doing?”
“Stewing.”
He smiled. “You know, I’ve been thinking about the failed-relationships thing, too. What I did so wrong, and what you said about the maneuvering thing was right. Partially. But I also think, maybe, at least somewhat, it didn’t work out with all of those other women because a part of my heart was already yours.”
“Oh, shit, don’t be romantic.” She blinked a few times. “I suck at emotional crud.”
“You’ll get better.” He tightened his grip on her hands. “You’ll have to get better at it, because...I think...I l-love you, Leah.” That was a lot harder to say than he’d planned. He thought it would roll off his tongue, smooth and easy. Because the words were true. He’d known her too long and too well for it not to be true.
She was perfectly still, and even though he’d never seen real, deep-seated fear on Leah’s face, he knew that was what he saw now. Fear, he could work with. Hell, fear he understood. He was scared out of his mind, but it didn’t change the reality.
And as much as he’d hoped she might say it back immediately, he also understood that she had a lot more baggage to get over than he did. He could be patient. He was excellent at patience. “You know what we need?”
“What?” she asked creakily.
“We need to go on a date.”
Leah wrinkled her nose. “We’re all but practicing living together. You’re being all—” she waved a hand in front of his face “—that. I’m not sure a date is totally necessary.”
“Sure it is. Getting moderately dressed up, as in you not wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, us going out of this house and MC, you letting me buy you a meal. See a movie that’s 75 percent sex because this time we can come home together and have it.”
Her throat moved as she swallowed. “We’re doing this all kinds of backward.”
“It just might be perfect, then. Oh, you know what? The New Year’s Eve thing. You be my date, wear your red dress, and I can enact one or two of the many fantasies I’ve had of you in it.”
“Fantasies, huh?”
&nbs
p; “Well, there’s the obvious on my desk back at MC.”
“Obviously, but that’s kind of vague.” She knelt in front of him, which he was pretty sure eradicated every brain cell he owned.
“Vague,” he repeated, his voice cracking like a prepubescent.
She rested her hands on his knees, blinking up at him innocently. “Yes, vague. I need more detail to get the full...impact.”
Her hands inched incrementally higher on his legs. Yup, definitely no brain cells left. Nothing left, except her kneeling before him. Smiling. And any thoughts of love or her parents or her heart were completely gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“YOU WANT ME to tell you my detailed sexual fantasies of you in that dress while your parents are in the next room?”
“I hate to break it to you, but my parents have been all but in the next room every single time we’ve had sex.”
“Right.”
He looked so flustered and cute, she couldn’t stop smiling. Which was good, because when he’d told her he loved her, she couldn’t imagine smiling. Or breathing. Or, most of all, responding. It just kind of froze her brain, her mouth.
Not doing well with emotional crap was an understatement, and no one she didn’t share genetic material with had ever told her they loved her before. What was she supposed to say?
Well, probably “I love you” back, but...mainly all her brain could work out was...grahhhh. So, sex, much better option. And maybe some part of her brain that couldn’t express it verbally could express that love-ish feeling she had this way.
Anything was better than the jittery, heart-bursting feeling constricting her chest. Arousal and release would take care of that.
Surely.
She pressed her palms firmly into his thighs. “Still with me?”
His lips curved into a smile, losing some of that flustered bafflement. “I do not appear to be going anywhere.”
One of the many amazing things about him was that he could...do this. Make things lighter, easier. She wanted to do that, too. “So, about that desk...” She stopped her hands at the upper part of his thigh, enjoying the rough denim under her palms, the heat from his body, the fact that she could see the outline of his erection against his pants.