There it is. Bonne chance—you’ll need it!
Listening
112. Now Hear This! Listening Is the Ultimate “Core Competence.”
Listening is …
(And when you read “listening,” please substitute “OBSESSION with listening.)
Listening is … the ultimate mark of Respect.
Listening is … the heart and soul of Engagement.
Listening is … the heart and soul of Kindness.
Listening is … the heart and soul of Thoughtfulness.
Listening is … the basis for true Collaboration.
Listening is … the basis for true Partnership.
Listening is … a Team Sport.
Listening is … a Developable Individual Skill.*
(*Though women are inherently far better at it than men.)
Listening is … the basis for Community.
Listening is … the bedrock of Joint Ventures that work.
Listening is … the bedrock of Joint Ventures that last.
Listening is … the core of effective Cross-functional Communication.*
(*Which is in turn Attribute #1 of organizational effectiveness.**)
(**I know, I keep repeating this—only because “Attribute #1” is no exaggeration.)
Listening is … the engine of superior EXECUTION.
Listening is … the key to making the Sale.
Listening is … the key to Keeping the Customer’s Business.
Listening is … the engine of Network development.
Listening is … the engine of Network maintenance.
Listening is … the engine of Network expansion.
Listening is … Learning.
Listening is … the sine qua non of Renewal.
Listening is … the sine qua non of Creativity.
Listening is … the sine qua non of Innovation.
Listening is … the core of taking Diverse opinions aboard.
Listening is … Strategy.
Listening is … Source #1 of “Value-added.”
Listening is … Differentiator #1.
Listening is … Profitable.*
(*The “R.O.I” from listening is higher than from any other single activity.)
Listening underpins … Commitment to EXCELLENCE.
Do you agree with the above?
By which I mean not a quick read and cursory nod of the head—but an examination of each statement and careful assessment of its literal meaning.
(I suspect you will superficially agree—but that ain’t what I’m looking for here—for your sake.)
(I’m trying to take this “listening thing” to a whole other level.)
(These days I use the “listening list” above as the launching pad for my presentations.)
If you agree, after meticulous review and discussion, then shouldn’t listening be … a Core Value?
If you agree as specified, shouldn’t listening be … perhaps … Core Value #1?*
(*“We are Effective Listeners—we treat Listening EXCELLENCE as the Centerpiece of our Commitment to Respect and Engagement and Community and Growth”—or some such.)
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … a Core Competence? If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … Core Competence #1?
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … an explicit “agenda item” at every Meeting?
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … our Strategy—per se? (Listening = Strategy.)
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … the #1 skill we look for in Hiring (for every job)?
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … the #1 attribute we examine in our Evaluations?
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … the #1 skill we look for in Promotion decisions?
If you agree, shouldn’t listening be … the #1 training priority at every stage of everyone’s career—from Day #1 to Day LAST?
If you agree, what are you going to do about it … in the next 30 MINUTES?
If you agree, what are you going to do about it … at your NEXT meeting?
If you agree, what are you going to do about it … by the end of the DAY?
If you agree, what are you going to do about it … in the next 30 DAYS?
If you agree, what are you going to do about it … in the next 12 MONTHS?
NB: There are a million more—literally—things to say. Such as the difference—Profound—between “listening” and “hearing.” And, thank God, there are a million words to read on the topic—for starters, see my suggestions on the next page.
I want to “keep it simple” in this particular formulation. Hence, I will leave you with just one “starter” operational suggestion: Begin serious discussions of the above … Today.
NB: Listening. Skill. Discipline.
Key word: Practice.
Practice.
Practice.
LISTEN! ASK! READ!
Here is a veritable “library” of books on listening and asking questions. Truth is, I haven’t read every one from cover to cover—hence no “for certain” recommendations. But the very fact that there are so many books on this topic should lead to the realization that listening is no idle, passive thing. You must study it. And practice it. And then practice it some more.
Listening Leaders: The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead & Succeed—Lyman Steil and Richard Bommelje
The Zen of Listening—Rebecca Shafir
Effective Listening Skills—Dennis Kratz and Abby Robinson Kratz
Are You Really Listening?—Paul Donoghue and Mary Siegel
Active Listening: Improve Your Ability to Listen and Lead —Michael Hoppe
Listening: The Forgotten Skill—Madelyn Burley-Allen
Leading with Questions: How Leaders Find the Right Solutions by Knowing What to Ask—Michael Marquardt
Smart Questions: Learn to Ask the Right Questions for Powerful Results—Gerald Nadler and William Chandon
The Art of Asking: Ask Better Questions, Get Better Answers—Terry Fadem
How to Ask Great Questions—Karen Lee-Thorp
Change Your Questions, Change Your Life—Marilee Adams
Asking the Right Questions: A Guide to Critical Thinking —Neil Browne and Stuart Keeley
113. Are You an “18-Second Manager”?
In How Doctors Think, Dr. Jerome Groopman tells us that … the best source of evidence … on a patient’s malady is … the patient. And then he trundles out research reporting that docs interrupt their patients, on average, 18 seconds after the patient starts speaking.
I repeat: Interrupt.
18 seconds.
I cannot point to equivalent research (though it’s doubtless out there), but I will bet you a beer, or a six-pack, or a case, or a Sam Adams truck full of beer that there are, per capita, as many “18-second interrupters” among managers as among docs.
So …
Stop.
Quit bloody interrupting.
This means you.
(And me!)
Agenda:
Practice.
Seek feedback.
Give self-feedback after every interaction.
Use meeting videos to observe yourself—count interruptions.
Work as a group on this.
Enlist your family and friends to help you at home or at parties or on a fishing trip. (!!)
(If you’re a lad, your wife or significant other might … pay you … to let her help you!)
This is not a “big deal.”
This is a … b-i-g d-e-a-l.
This is … s-t-r-a-t-e-g-i-c.
Practice.
Practice.
Practice.
Practice.
BE A “SILENT” PARTNER
Referring to the protagonist, Paul Christopher, a CIA field officer in Christopher’s Ghosts, author Charles McCarry writes: “He [Christopher] had learned when he was still very young that if he kept quiet, the other person would eventually fill the silence.” McCarry also tells us at one
point that Christopher’s key to a debriefing is to shut up and not interrupt; Mr. Christopher claims that “everyone has a story to tell, if only you have the patience to wait for it and not get in the way of it.”
The book is fiction.
The idea is solid-gold fact.
114. Get the Story. Give the Respect.
“It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kid in Spring Valley who shined shoes the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say.”
—From Respect by Harvard professor Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot
A wonderful (and powerful) message.
Everybody has something to say!
It’s your job-opportunity … as consultant, boss, project-peer, whatever … to scoop it out!
“Scoop it out” as in extract it—and as in understand it and hence understand, a bit, the speaker.
During a trip to London I was driven around by a fellow who sometimes drives Richard Branson. Branson is famous for, among many other things, his, literally … hundreds of notebooks … in which he meticulously records what he hears from Virgin Clients and damn near anyone else he buttonholes.
My driver confirmed Sir R’s habit, and said a trip with him is an exhausting, continuous conversation about the world as seen through the driver’s eyes. “He bloody well interviewed me, for 90 minutes, nonstop,” this chap said with clear admiration, “as we crawled in from Gatwick.” As we chatted, the driver (himself a Richard) allowed as how “the whole bit made me feel as though I had something important to say.”
Message/s:
The Driver/Richard II did have something to say!
(Axiom: EVERYBODY HAS A VALUABLE STORY, DESPERATE TO ESCAPE!)
The Driver/Richard II is important!
(Axiom: CONNECT!)
Richard I/Branson doubtless learned a thing or seven, duly recorded.
(Axiom: JUST ASK! AND KEEP ASKING!)
Richard I/Branson made a friend-informant-confidant for life!
(Axiom: EXTRACT A STORY, MAKE A FRIEND-DEVOTEE.)
Richard II/Driver will pass on the story of Richard I/Branson to 100, if not 1,000 people … and thus willfully extend, free of charge, the brand mythology surrounding Richard I/Branson.
(Axiom: CONNECT. JUST ASK. GET A STORY. MAKE A FRIEND. CREATE A “BUZZ GENERATOR.”)
All because Sir Richard was determined to … Connect & LISTEN & Get the Story!
So …
Connect!
Listen!
Get the Story!
(Remember: Everyone [every single one] has a Story.)
So …
Practice!
Practice!
Practice!
Practice!
“It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kid in Spring Valley who shined shoes the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say.”
—From Respect by Harvard professor Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot
DON’T NOD OFF, NOD ON
Once (in Helsinki, as I recall), I was being interviewed, through an interpreter. It wasn’t an aggressive interview, but the interlocutor was trying to dig beneath the surface. And dig she did—after the fact, I was taken aback when I realized how forthcoming I’d been.
Her “weapon”? She was pleasant enough, but not overwhelmingly so. That wasn’t it. The weapon was (I finally realized) … nodding. Constantly. And … taking copious notes. The nodding was obvious and constant, not half-hidden by any means. And the note-taking was also pronounced.
And I was a total sucker for it—doubly amazing because, as I said, there was a translator in between the two of us; and triply amazing because it was, obviously, not exactly my first, or one of my first 5,000, interviews; besides, I’m exceptionally well trained in rat psychology, B. F. Skinner–style.
What was going on? By nodding and taking notes, regardless of my level of awareness of what was up [“She wants me to blurt something out.” “She’s nodding like crazy.”], she was respecting me and what I had to say; and by the note-taking in particular, indicating to me that what I was saying was so brilliant that it was worth immortalizing. No wonder I shared my previously most hidden secrets—that’s an exaggeration, but, frankly, not by much.
Here then, are two “tricks” that are guaranteed—guaranteed—to keep a person talking:
(1) Nod your head nonstop and frequently.
(2) Ostentatiously take notes.
Both tactics/tricks shout at the other, “You are important and interesting—I must capture for eternity the pearls of wisdom you are imparting.”
(NB: I don’t like writing about things like this, but on the topic of “tricks,” I’ll add one more that meets the “surefire” standard. The perfect icebreaker is always: “Do you have kids? What are they doing?”)
SPECIAL SECTION
Quotations 34
Needless to say, I have one hell of a file of quotes for all occasions. From that monster set, I plucked a subset consisting of 34 “gems.” Presented here, FYI. (In my opinion, each one suggests a pretty obvious “to do.” Some amount to repetition—I simply wanted to offer up the set in one place.)
To wit:
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt
“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”
—Helen Keller
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
—Mary Oliver
“All human beings are entrepreneurs. When we were in the caves we were all self-employed … finding our food, feeding ourselves. That’s where the human history began…. As civilization came we suppressed it. We became labor because [they] stamped us, ‘You are labor.’ We forgot that we are entrepreneurs.”
—Muhammad Yunus
“The two most powerful things in existence: a kind word and a thoughtful gesture.”
—Ken Langone, cofounder, Home Depot
“The deepest human need is the need to be appreciated.”
—William James
“It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kid in Spring Valley who shined shoes the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say.”
—Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Respect
“If you don’t listen, you don’t sell anything.”
—Carolyn Marland, MD, Guardian Group
“Everyone lives by selling something.”
—Robert Louis Stevenson
“Ph.D. in leadership. Short course: Make a short list of all things done to you that you abhorred. Don’t do them to others. Ever. Make another list of things done to you that you loved. Do them to others. Always.”
—Dee Hock, founder, Visa
“Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
—Margaret Mead
“ARE YOU BEING REASONABLE? Most people are reasonable; that’s why they only do reasonably well.”
—Paul Arden, Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite
“BLAME NO ONE. EXPECT NOTHING. DO SOMETHING.”
—Bill Parcells, football coach
“Nobody gives you power. You just take it.”
—Roseanne
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
—Oscar Wilde
“The only thing you have power over is to get good at what you do. That’s all there is; there ain’t no more!”
—Sally Field
“The one thing you need to know about sustained individual success: Discover w
hat you don’t like doing and stop doing it.”
—Marcus Buckingham, The One Thing You Need to Know
“Have you invested as much this year in your career as in your car?”
—Molly Sargent, OD consultant and trainer
“The difference [between ‘worthy’ ambition and ‘mere’ ambition] is well illustrated by the contrast between the person who says he ‘wishes to be a writer’ and the person who says he ‘wishes to write.’ The former desires to be pointed out at cocktail parties, the latter is prepared for the long, solitary hours at a desk; the former desires a status, the latter a process; the former desires to be, the latter to do.”
—A. C. Grayling, on Milton, in The Meaning of Things: Applying Philosophy to Life
“This is the true joy of Life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one … the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”
—G. B. Shaw, Man and Superman
“I can’t tell you how many times we passed up hotshots for guys we thought were better people, and watched our guys do a lot better than the big names, not just in the classroom, but on the field—and, naturally, after they graduated, too. Again and again, the blue chips faded out, and our little up-and-comers clawed their way to all-conference and All-America teams.”
—Legendary football coach Bo Schembechler, “Recruit for Character,” from Bo’s Lasting Lessons
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.”
—Charles Darwin
“The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.”
—James Yorke, mathematician, on chaos theory, in The New Scientist
“If things seem under control, you’re just not going fast enough.”
—Mario Andretti, race car driver
“You can’t behave in a calm, rational manner. You’ve got to be out there on the lunatic fringe.”
—Jack Welch, retired CEO, GE
“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
The Little Big Things Page 25