by Amanda Morey
John eyed them a little suspiciously. “Come on, it’s time to sing Happy Birthday.” He nodded his head in the direction of the kitchen. His perfect hair swung into his eyes.
Sam looked at Jason one last time, a hint of longing in her eyes and walked away.
Jason stayed where he was. His shoulders sagged. It had almost happened, and he didn’t know when he’d get another chance.
“Jason, ya’ coming?” Someone who might have been Shawn called from the kitchen.
“Yeah.” He said. He walked into the kitchen and the chorus of “Happy Birthday” started.
***
“What was going on with you and Jason?” Juliana asked Sam. The party was over and Juliana and Sam were in Sam’s room studying. They had a big history test soon.
“What are you talking about?” Sam stared down at a chart on the page she was on.
“You guys were acting so weird around each other at the party.” She said, turning a page in her history textbook.
“Oh, um . . . I . . . we . . .” Sam tilted her head to the side. She opened and closed her mouth several times.
“Did you have a fight?” Juliana’s voice rose an octave.
“No, we . . . we didn’t have a fight.” Sam shook her head, her light hair falling into her eyes.
“What happened?” Juliana asked.
“Nothing.” Sam shrugged.
“Sam, come on, I’m not dumb. I’m in all those advanced classes with you.” She joked. “What happened?” She nudged Sam’s arm.
Sam bit her lip and hesitated. “We almost kissed.”
A huge smile spread across Juliana’s face. “Oh my god, really? Finally! After all these years? You two finally-wait, almost kissed?”
“Yes, almost.” Sam nodded.
“Almost? Why almost?” Juliana pouted.
“Well, just as we were about to kiss John came in.”
“Oh, crap.” Juliana’s eyes widened at the thought.
“Yeah.” Sam sighed.
“Hey, Jason.” John sat down next to him on the bench in the park. The red paint was chipping.
“Hi.” He lit a cigarette and handed one to John.
“You two okay?” John asked, lighting up.
“Who?” Jason asked as he put his cigarette to his lips.
“You and Sam.” John blew a puff of smoke out.
“Yeah, we’re fine. Why?”
“Well, you two acted really weird around each other at her party. And when I walked into the living room it looked like you two were about to . . .”
“About to what?” Jason swung his head to face John.
“It looked like you two were about to kiss.” John said. Jason was silent, looking out onto the setting sun. The oranges and reds bled across the sky.
“Were you?”
Jason looked at him for a second, his dark brown eyes thoughtful, deciding if he should tell John the truth.
“Yeah.” He said finally. “We were.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Jason tried to blow a smoke ring. “‘Cuz you walked in.”
“So?” John asked.
Why do Sam’s brother seem so interested in us being together? Jason thought. “Do you really think I was gonna kiss your younger sister in front of you?” He raised an eyebrow at John.
“I don’t know. Maybe . . . no, you definitely wouldn’t.” John deflated.
“Did you want him to kiss you?” Juliana asked.
Sam smiled, remembering how their lips just barely touched. “Sam?”
“Yeah, I did.” She said.
“I knew it. You’ve been head over heels for that boy since you were twelve.”
“I have not.”
“Oh, please!”
“Fine. I have.” Sam admitted finally.
“That’s so cute.”
“Cute?” Sam raised her eyebrows.
“Yeah, I want you guys to end up together. You’d be such an adorable couple and you’re so crazy about each other.”
“Wow.” John said.
“What?” Jason asked.
“I just know you two have been crazy about each other since you were twelve.”
“No we haven’t.” Jason shook his head.
“Jason, come on.” John smirked.
“Alright, I’ve been crazy about Sam since I was twelve. But I don’t know if she’s been crazy about me since she was twelve.” Jason shook the ashes from his cigarette onto the ground.
“She has been. Trust me.” John nodded at Jason.
Jason smiled in spite of himself. “Really?”
“Would I lie to you?” John gestured with both hands to himself, raised his eyebrows and flipped his hair out of his eyes.
“No.” Jason answered.
“I told you she liked you.” John smiled.
Jason’s smile widened. “Hey, why’d you say ‘wow’?” he asked suddenly.
“Huh? Oh, I don’t know. Even though I know you two are crazy about each other, I never thought the day would come when you two would kiss.” He put out his cigarette in the glass ashtray on the rickety table next to him.
“It hasn’t come yet.” Jason said.
“Well, I know, but you almost kissed, and that’s a start.”
Jason sighed. “I guess so.”
“Do you think you guys will ever kiss?” Juliana asked Sam.
“I don’t know.” Sam answered. She stared at a spot just over Juliana’s head of dark red hair. “I hope so.”
The next day was the last day of classes. It was lunch time and Sam was hanging out with John in the cafeteria. The chatter around them was like a hive of bees.
“You happy school’s over?” John asked her.
“No.” She answered as she took a bite of pizza.
“Yeah, stupid question. But aren’t you at least looking forward to summer?” He handed her a napkin.
“Kind of. But you don’t have summer work. I do.” She said with her mouth full.
“That’s because you chose to be smart and take advanced classes.” He picked up a handful of fries and stuffed them into his mouth.
“I know.” Sam said, shaking her head. “How dumb of me.” She grinned and shook her head again, her hair falling around her shoulders.
“Hey.” Jason sat down across from Sam. He didn’t have a lunch tray. He probably didn’t have money again.
“Hey.” She said smiling. She slid her container of fries over to him. Their hands touched and they stayed together like that for a moment. He smiled softly at her and picked up a fry.
Sam and Jason didn’t talk to each other much that day, but Jason walked her home like he’d done every day since fifth grade. The walk was only ten minutes or so but everyone insisted that Sam have someone walk her home. She and Jason talked and laughed and smiled shyly at each other as they walked the ten minutes to her house. There seemed to be some silent agreement between them to not talk about their almost-kiss.
The moonlight shone in through the curtains in Sam’s room as she sat on her bed listening to the music of Elvis Presley singing, “Can’t Help Falling in Love” float in her room through the living room wall. She opened the journal that she’d gotten for her sixteenth birthday. There were about twenty pages left. She flipped to a clean page and began to write.
My seventeenth birthday was fun. John put together a little party for me with the guys and Juliana and Derek. There was a delicious cake. A few gifts. Jason and I almost kissed. That was different…unexpected, I guess. Or maybe not. Except then, John walked in. Just as our lips touched, my brother walked in. Great. I thought that I didn’t like Jason but I really wanted to kiss him today. Maybe I was just in denial. Why, though? I don’t know. Who knows. Kissing him would’ve been a nice birthday gift, though. When I saw him at school neither of us brought it up, though, Maybe it’s better that way.
***
No one had mentioned Sam’s seventeenth birthday again. It was now two months into her and Jason’s senior year.
>
One brisk night in November Sam was sitting on her porch reading, a blanket draped over her shoulders. She noticed Jason asleep on a bench in the park across from her house. This wasn’t unusual. But Sam couldn’t stand to see him out there and wanted to help him whenever she could. Jason’s dad was a drunk and was always beating him up and kicking him out of his house. She stood up, the blanket falling off of her shoulders.
Jason felt a hand on his shoulder and someone gently shaking him. “Jason?” It was Sam.
He sat up. “Sam? What are you doing here?” She sat down next to him. “I saw you from my porch. You can’t sleep out here.”
“Sam, you don’t have a jacket on.” He said. “You must be freezing. Here.” He took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders.
“Thanks.” She smiled and shook her head. “Jason, why didn’t you just come to our house?”
“The lights were off. I didn’t wanna wake anyone up.” He looked down at his knees.
“Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, it’s freezing tonight. You can’t sleep outside.” She stood up. “Come on.” She nodded toward their house.
He stood up and followed Sam.
Sam closed her front door behind her and handed Jason his jean jacket. “Come on.”
“What?” He said, about to lie down on the couch.
“It’s just as bad here as it is outside.” She said, grabbing his hand.
“Where are we going?” He asked, his voice reaching a new octave.
“My room.”
“Won’t . . . won’t Craig be upset if I sleep in your room?” He asked as Sam got blankets and pillows out from the hallway closet.
“No. He’ll be fine. It’s not like we’re sleeping in the same bed, Jason.” She took his hand again and felt herself blushing. She looked at Jason and saw that he was blushing too.
She closed her door and laid the blankets and pillows next to her bed.
“It’s not a real bed or anything.” She said, climbing into her own bed. “But it’s better than a park bench.”
Jason smiled. “It’s great, Sam. Thanks so much.” He sat down on his makeshift bed.
“No problem.” She said, pulling her dark blue sheets over her. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” Jason said, pulling the sheets on his makeshift bed over him.
Jason woke up later that night when he heard Sam moving around in her sleep. Suddenly, she sat up, with tears streaming down her face.
“Sam?” Jason asked, his eyebrows pulled close together, a small wrinkle in his forehead.
“Oh, Jason, you scared me.” She said, wiping away the tears that had just fallen.
She got out of bed and got a sweater out of her dresser drawer.
“Sam, are you okay?”
“Yeah, Jason I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You’re crying.”
She smiled through her tears, and went to sit down next to him.
He pushed a strand of hair out of her face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She offered a watery smile.
“Sam.”
“It’s just this stupid nightmare I’ve been having for years. Forget it, it’s dumb.” She moved to get up.
Jason gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down. “It’s not dumb.”
“How do you know?” She asked with a humorless laugh.
“You’re crying. It can’t be dumb if you’re crying about it.”
She smiled at him, but tears were still pouring down her face. Jason didn’t know what he should do. He’d never seen Sam cry before. Except for at her parents funeral. But even then, she hadn’t been crying the way she was now. He didn’t know what to do now. Should he say something? What? Should he pull her close to him and hold her in his arms?
“What’s your nightmare about?” He asked. “You don’t have to tell me.” He added.
“No, I want to tell you. I can tell you anything.” She moved closer to him and Jason slid his hand in hers.
“You know about my biological parents, right?” Sam asked.
Jason didn’t like to think about it. All he knew was that they used to beat Sam. “What about them?”
“Do you know what happened the night I was taken to the orphanage?”
“No.” He said, not sure that he wanted to know.
“Well, that’s what I dream about, or part of what I dream about. My parent’s car crash and funeral. But . . . it’s different.”
“Sam?” Jason said, not able to hold back the question. “What did happen the night you were taken to the orphanage?”
“That’s how my dream starts out.” She said. “I’m five and a half lying in my bed around three in the morning, when my mother comes in and tells me to climb out the window. I listened, ‘cuz, well I knew what would happen if I didn’t.”
Jason closed his eyes, trying to get the image of a five year old Sam being beaten by one of her parents out of his head.
“I asked her what was going on, and she said my father was ‘more drunk than usual’ and he had a gun. He wanted to kill us. She said the only reason she took me was because as a single parent she might be able to get some money from the government. Otherwise, she’d just let him kill me. She didn’t notice that he’d stolen a car and was catching up to us. The car stalled, moved forward a little, and then stopped. I heard sirens, but the police didn’t get there in time. My father pulled up next to us and shot my mother in the head. I climbed out of the car window, watched her body carried off and watched him get arrested. Then a police officer picked me up, brought me to the station and I waited there until someone from the orphanage came to get me.”
Jason could hardly believe what he had just heard. He knew that Sam’s biological mother was dead, and that her father was in jail, but he’d never known the two events were connected.
“And then I see my mom and dad when they came to adopt me, but my biological parents are standing in the background, watching everything.”
“Then my dream goes to when my mom made me the quilt, the white one with the flowers. But for a second her eyes change to the same color as my biological father’s—black. And in the background I see my parent’s car crash into the drunk driver.”
“After that, I’m sitting in between John and Matt at my Mom and Dad’s funeral. I look up and see my biological parents standing next to my parents coffins. My ‘mother’ is wearing a black dress and my ‘father’ is wearing a black suit, shirt and tie. And he’s holding a gun and shoots my biological mother in the head again, and blood splatters all over mom and dad’s coffins. I’m suddenly up there looking into the coffins and my parents’ faces change to my biological parents. Dad’s face is my biological father’s, mom’s face is my biological mother’s. Then they open their eyes, glaring up at me.”
“Then it’s back to normal. And beside my mom’s coffin is my biological mother, besides my dad’s is my biological father. They both take out a gun. My biological mother points it into mom’s face. My biological father points it into dad’s face. Then, at the same time they pull the trigger. And I wake up.”
By this time there were a flood of tears pouring out of Sam’s eyes, and Jason had wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and stroking her hair.
“It’s okay,” he said, trying to comfort her and not knowing what else to say. “Shhh . . . it was only a dream.”
“I know.” She stuttered and drew in a long, quivering breath. “But I keep having the same dream over and over.”
“Every night?” Jason asked, rubbing her back.
“No. But three or four times a week. And it just seems so real and I hate thinking about my biological parents.” She said this all in one rush of breath.
“I know.” Jason nodded, and held her chin between two fingers. He wanted her to take a real breath but she continued.
“And then I think about you-” She was rushing her words again. The moonlight shone through the curtains into her room. It touched her face and hair
, making them light up.
“Me?”
“-and you’re dad.” The words poured from her mouth like acid.
“Oh.” Jason’s voice turned dark.
“I’m sorry.” Sam squeezed his hand.
“Why?” He asked as he looked at the journal on her dresser.
“I don’t know. I didn’t mean to bring up your dad.” She stuttered over her words and a small hiccup escaped her lips.
“It’s okay, Sam.” There was a silence, except for the sound of Sam’s sobs. “Why would your dream remind you of me and my dad?”
“Jason, I’m not stupid. I know your dad beats you.” She hiccupped again and sobbed even harder. Long sobs ripped through her body. She couldn’t stand the fact that Jason’s father beat him. She cared about Jason so much, and she’d seen the bruises on his arms and face, even seen him get beaten a few times (although he didn’t know she saw). She hated his father, like she’d never hated anyone before, even her biological parents.
“I hate it. At least I got away, at least I only had to deal with a few years of it, you haven’t gotten away yet.” She finally allowed herself to look at him.
Jason’s eyes were closed. He hated it too, and his father. But what he hated even more was thinking that Sam ever had to go through the same thing. He remembered his mom, too scared to say anything about what his dad was doing to her, and then she got cancer and died when he was seven years old, and his father started beating him.
“Don’t worry about me.” He said to Sam, who was still sobbing into his shoulder, her tears soaking through his brown shirt. “I’ll be fine; I won’t be living there forever. Shh . . . it’s okay Sam.” He wanted more than anything for Sam to know how much he cared about her, how much he loved her.
He blinked. Did he love her?
He did. He did love her. He’d always loved her and he always would, but he was pretty sure this wasn’t the right time to tell her.
Sam loved the way Jason’s voice sounded, the way he comforted her, and the way his arms felt around her, making sure she was safe. The words “I love you” almost tumbled out of her mouth.