by L. M. Carr
The bar is packed tonight; it’s standing room only and Ryan’s band is going on last. They’re supposed to be playing a lot of their own original music tonight and I’m excited for them. I see Will at the far end of the bar, sitting on a stool drinking a beer. He leans over and whispers to a girl next to him. She smiles and kisses him quickly. An unfamiliar feeling surges through me. Jealousy? Anger? I’m not sure what it is, but Pete notices it, too. “What’s up with you?” He follows my line of sight and sees Will run his hand through the long dirty blonde hair, cupping her face and kissing her again. My eyes involuntarily roll. “You’re jealous of Will?” No, I’m not jealous of Will! I’m just being bitchy; if I can’t be happy, I don’t want anyone else to be either.
“No! Shut up and get me a drink, will you,” I demand, playfully.
“What’s the birthday girl having?”
“Margarita, of course!”
Pete turns to make his way over to the bar to get our drinks. I have a sudden feeling of paranoia, making me scan the crowded bar. There are a ton of nameless faces in the crowd. Will and his girl are putting on the PDA; they should probably get a room or something. I don’t see anyone paying any particular attention to me. I look down to retrieve my phone to text Shelby and apologize for not calling her back earlier. The hair on my arm stands straight up again. Someone is definitely watching me.
Shelby responds to my text, apologizing for not being able to come out for my birthday, but tells me to call her in the morning so we can go for breakfast. I slip my phone into my back pocket. A few minutes later, I feel it vibrate, wondering what she forgot to tell me now. The message isn’t from Shelby; the text message is from a restricted number, but it’s the words that make me shiver with chills.
“Happy Birthday. You’re as beautiful as ever.”
Again, I scan the room. Instead of trying to text back, I hit the button to redial the number only to get a recording that says the number cannot receive incoming calls. What the hell? Pete hands me a drink and we clink glasses. I ask him if he knows anyone who might have a restricted number to which he replies no. “Ooooh, you’ve got a secret admirer. Sexy!”
“Pete, I don’t think a creepy weirdo qualifies as a secret admirer.” I laugh. As I bring the salted rim of the glass to my mouth to a take a small sip, I see him. I see those familiar dark brown eyes. I see Adam standing across the bar. He’s standing behind a crowd of partiers, but his eyes are focused on me. I spit the contents back into the glass and freeze, meeting his eyes. “Pete . . .” My hold on the glass loosens and it drops to the floor, splashing tequila and sour mix all over my heels.
“Mia, what’s the matter?” Pete’s hand braces me.
“Adam. Adam’s here.” I answer with ragged breath, looking at him, begging for help.
“Where? I’ll kill that son of a bitch!” He looks around the room.
“Over there. He’s over there.” I nod in the direction where I saw him, my voice fills with desperation.
But when I look back to where I just saw Adam, he’s gone. I reach out to grab Pete’s forearm. My knees start to buckle and I need to get outside immediately to get some fresh air. Weaving around all the people, Pete grabs my hand and leads me outside where cars pass by while others find a spot to park in. The distinct sound of a powerful engine fades into the night. Like I said “Happy Fucking Birthday” to me.
Pete drives me home and spends the night listening, offering what little comfort he can as I sob and ask a million questions to which he has no answers. I remember Pete whispered through gritted teeth something about how he’d never let Adam hurt me again.
FOUR DAYS LATER during a Spelling Lesson, Shelby’s water breaks and because Mike is in court to testify on a case, she is rushed by ambulance to the hospital. Her plan to deliver naturally without the assistance of pain medicine falls by the wayside when after thirteen hours of back labor and pushing, the doctors decide to deliver the baby by Caesarean section. Michael Jordan Matthews is born, weighing in at a whopping ten pounds even.
I am the first to hold Michael after he’s wheeled back into the room. He’s absolutely beautiful. I know they’re going to be wonderful parents to this little boy. Later that night, I dream of Maddie and Luke. I dream of Lily. I dream of holding her as a newborn baby, swaddling her in the familiar hospital blanket like she’s a five pound bag of sugar. When I awake, I realize it is just a dream, the tears flow and I cry myself back to sleep.
Every spare moment that I have, I spend at Shelby’s. I can’t get enough of her new baby. I want to hold him. I want to swaddle him. I want to love him.
Memorial Day is low key this year with the addition of a new baby for Shelby and Mike. Pete and Tyler have gone away for the long weekend and I just want to stay home and start packing. School is winding down for the year and there are lots of things that I need to do before I leave for the summer. The custodians all but kick me out at night when I stay late to pack up my classroom. I don’t really want to be home alone and hanging out with Shane for more than our morning run doesn’t really sound like a good idea. I know he still has feelings for me and I don’t want to lead him on.
***
ON THE LAST day of school, I wish my students well and give them their going away presents. I always take their individual pictures on the first day of school and then give it to them on the last day so they can see how much they’ve grown. My index finger traces the soft planes of Madison’s face in the picture. She’s so beautiful with her long brown hair and dark eyes like her father’s. I wish she were here today so I could give her the picture. I wish I had been stronger to resist him when he pursued me. I wouldn’t be in this mess today. I kiss the picture and quietly tuck the picture into my purse for safekeeping.
Mrs. Chapman calls me into her office at the end of the day and hands me a large manila envelope. “It’s all in there. Let me know if you need anything else.” She slides it across her desk.
“Thank you. I’ll let you know what I decide to do as soon as I can. Thank you for this.” I smile, get up and walk to her side of the desk to give her a quick hug.
“I know you’ll make the right decision, Mia. Have a safe trip.”
After saying goodbye to the Longos and promising to call when I’ve reached Texas, I back out of my long driveway. I pull onto the road and drive slowly, looking at the young couple following behind a blonde woman who is walking toward the McDonnell house. Hopefully the house will sell soon so Gina can stop lurking around my neighborhood.
Shelby hugs me tightly when I swing by her place to say goodbye and we cry together. “I wish you would stay here this year. I really need you.” She wipes her tears as she looks at her sweet baby boy sleeping in his bassinet. “You’ll be fine. I’ll be back before you know it.” I feel terribly for lying to my best friend. The truth is I don’t know when or if I’m coming back.
I stop by the donut shop to fill up the travel mug that says, “#1 Teacher,” that I received from Lizzie, but more importantly, to say goodbye to Peter. He’s been my rock for the last few weeks since the night of my birthday. Why he wanted to spend time with a person who broke down in sobs at the drop of a hat still baffles me. “Because I love you and you’re my best friend,” was always his answer, “besides, how many times were you there for me?” His eyes crinkled when he smiled at me.
“I’ll see you when I get back,” he kisses my cheek one last time. “Love you!”
“Love you more!”
I come to a stop at the red light. I look at Brady’s head and wipe the white powder off of his nose. The powdered munchkin that Pete gave him had disappeared in one quick gulp. He loves car rides most of the time, but this trek is a long one and I’m sure that he’ll be lying down on the backseat by hour four. My phone signals an incoming text, “Have a safe trip.” It’s a restricted number again. My heart feels heavy and confused. I need to get out of here. I need a fresh start.
Adam
MOTHERFUCKER. GODDAMIT, I’M a selfish b
astard. I never intended for her to see me. I never thought I would be that close to her again. I just wanted to see her face. I just needed to see that she was okay.
For months now, I’ve had the same fucking nightmare. A distant voice calls my name so I follow it. I turn the brass knob and push the creaky door open to enter the dimly lit room; a sweet smelling candle casts a shadow on the far wall and I can see her. She looks so beautiful, so angelic with a small smile on her serene face and her dark eyelashes that fan across her cheek. The long, flowing white dress she wears nearly touches her bare feet which dangle just inches from the hardwood floor. The noose is tight around her neck. In an instant, I rush over to loosen the knot, but my feet are cemented to the floor and I’m paralyzed. My hands lift and stretch out to touch her, but I can’t reach her. Mere inches separate us. Her bowed neck slowly lifts and her brown eyes suddenly widen. The sweet smile fades as she stares directly at me; her limp body begins to spin slowly away from me. “You did this to me, Adam. You did this.”
A silent scream rips through my body as Johanna’s face slowly morphs into Mia’s. My heart pounds frantically and I writhe to wake myself from this incredibly horrific scene. Another voice calls me and I turn to see a blood drenched Chris, dressed in all black, sitting on a metal folding chair. The gaping hole in the side of his head is the size of a softball, bloods continues to pour onto his face and chest. “You did this to me, Adam. You did this.”
I finally find my voice as I scream for help and howl how sorry I am, that I never meant to hurt any of them. My pleas for forgiveness go unheard as they slowly disappear into the walls, leaving no trace of their presence behind.
Motherfucker. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I don’t know how much longer I can live without her.
BRADY AND I pull into a vacant spot at a Motel 6. It’s the one we always stop at because they allow pets. After I get my room key, I buy a bottle of ginger ale and some crackers from the vending machine. I take a long, hot shower and finally sprawl out, lying diagonally across the double bed to stretch out my tired, stiff body. The ten hour drive was tough. I plug in my phone and send a group text letting everybody back home where I am and what my plans are for tomorrow.
I dream of Adam again. This time we’re holding hands, walking in the park, talking about our wedding. We’re both so happy. He brushes the hair away from my face as he tells me that he wants to get married right away. Our legs carry us slowly to a covered bridge where the faded red paint is peeling away in some spots. He stops abruptly and pulls me flush against his chest. “This is where I want to marry you.” A brilliant smile lights his handsome face as he points to the bridge’s entrance where the rushing water flows beneath. “It’s beautiful.” I stand on tiptoe to reach his mouth and beg him to let my tongue slide into his mouth, beginning its slow dance. “I will marry you anywhere, anytime.”
Sometimes I wish I had married him on Christmas Day when he proposed. He didn’t want to wait. He was eager to begin our new life together. Maybe that’s why I wanted to wait; I was in no rush. Maybe deep down I knew that we never were going to get married after all.
Sometimes I wish I had never met him.
***
I LOVE DRIVING on the open road. Brady sticks his big head out the window and sucks in the passing air. People driving by smile and wave or honk at him. Endless hours of rolling hills give way to flat plains along the route. The summer heat warms my skin exposed by my thin tank top while my red ball cap shields my face. Aside from Brady, my thoughts are my only company.
It’s late in the afternoon when I finally pull into my brother’s driveway, parking next to his white Ford Explorer. The sky boasts hues of orange and yellow as the sun sets against an electric blue sky; it’s a scene many artists would love to capture on canvas with their colorful palettes.
My niece, Ashley, and her precocious little brother, JJ, run to greet Brady and then me. My sister- in- law, Araceli, pulls me into a tight hug, telling me that she loves me and she’s happy that I came. Josh stands in the background, waiting for the opportunity to embrace me. It’s when his strong arms wrap around me, my eyes tear up and I cry silently into his shoulder. I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed him. My brother just holds me and comforts me. He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t need to.
A few minutes later, I gather myself together enough to pull away and help him unload my bags from the Jeep. “What the hell is all this? Are you staying for good or something?” He chuckles when he sees how much I’ve packed. He might not be too far off the mark.
By seven o’clock the next morning, I’m running hard along the sidewalk, keeping my pace to Eminem. I need to exert this pent up energy; seeing Adam a few weeks ago or at least thinking that I saw him, has really thrown me and my emotions are running rampant—even more so than usual. The mind is a very powerful thing. It can play tricks on you; it can lead you to believe something entirely different than what is reality.
In the distance I can see Loop 13 and the highway is jam packed with busy morning commuters, heading into work. I push myself farther and farther into the south side, closer to the heart of the city. I love San Antonio; it’s alive and vibrant. Its heartbeat beats for all to hear. My sleepy town is quite the contrast to this. I could start over and lose myself in its sheer size. With schools opening up in all parts of the city, I see the potential to allow for a new beginning. To have a fresh start. There’s nothing to keep me back home in the Northeast. I wouldn’t have to deal with freezing cold temperatures and snowstorms in the winter or bundling up just to get the mail. But then, I’d miss the change in the seasons. I’d miss the warm spring days as the grass begins to grow and the flowers bloom. I’d miss the spray of colorful leaves as they paint the trees shades of orange, red and yellow. I’d miss home. I wipe the moisture from my eyes. Thinking of the change of seasons reminds me of Adam pursuing me at the end of summer, and then me finally giving in to him in the fall. I loved him throughout the winter until the end when he left just as spring was making an appearance. But the sad reality is that I’ve never stopped loving him; I don’t think I ever will.
A cramp in my side slows my pace so I jog in place, taking the opportunity to guzzle down a long drink of water before pouring the rest over my head. The temperature is rapidly rising as the sun makes its way into the sky, only a few wispy clouds float by. A text from my brother tells me that he’s leaving for work and that he’ll see me tonight. A second text says that Araceli wants to take the kids to Port Aransas beach so I need to get back soon. I immediately turn around and let my legs carry me back to the house.
Just as I round the corner to Josh’s house, a black Escalade passes by. My body freezes as does my heart. Could it be him? Is it possible that he’s here? Quickly, however, I notice the license plate is red, white and blue with a lone star, not blue and yellow. I swallow the lump in my throat. The female driver waves, shouting, “Morning,” turns left and continues on. Holy shit, I need to get a grip on reality. Everything, and I mean everything, reminds me of him. Why can’t I get it through my thick head that he left me? He’s gone.
***
THE BEACH IS gorgeous with its endless sandy shore. The sandcastle I build with the kids is huge and draws a few onlookers. JJ gets mad and hits his sister when she accidently steps on the moat. Araceli swears in Spanish and puts him in time out. I smile to myself as I think about the few times that Maddie and Luke fought with each other and how diplomatic Adam was at helping them solve their problems. He was such a great dad, just a shitty fiancé.
Later that night, I talk to Shelby and Pete after spending nearly twenty minutes listening to my mother about her retreat. God help that woman! Shelby sounds exhausted because her newborn missed the memo about sleeping. He just wants to eat all the time. I wish I could’ve stayed and helped her, but right now this is where I need to be.
I send a quick text to Shane, wishing him a great summer, but he doesn’t reply.
By the en
d of the week, I’ve established a pretty good routine. Although I’m not sure if waking up, running, eating, and then relaxing in the air conditioning or napping on the hammock really qualifies as a routine. I help out in the Spanish-themed kitchen, learning which spices Araceli uses in her mother’s Mexican dishes. I play kickball or Frisbee in the backyard with my brother’s children and Brady. I could get used to this. I could get used to having family around. They keep me busy and that’s a good thing. I need to be busy. It doesn’t allow me to think about him. The only time I think about him is when my eyes close and he appears in my dreams.
Adam
I SCAN THE parking lot before I leave the building. I’ve seen no sign of her for the past few days and her Jeep is gone so I’m assuming that she’s left for the summer. I think that it’s better this way. Every fucking day I fight myself. I resist the temptation to go to her and beg for forgiveness and a second chance like the pussy that I am. I know what I did to her. I know I broke her heart. I know she would never take me back.
The meeting with Leo went well; my assets have been dispensed and the property secured. I don’t have specific plans for it right now. I’ll know when the time is right.
Driving slowly past her house, I see Mrs. Longo outside, tending to her garden as Mr. Longo sits on a lounge chair reading the paper. She looks up as I approach and I tense before I realize that she can’t see in the tinted windows of the black sedan I’ve rented. I can’t imagine the tongue lashing I’d get from her. I remember the first time I met her; she told me to be good to Mia. I couldn’t even do that.