Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  Monica’s daughter, Dawn, dressed in fitted jeans and a sparkling skintight, red shirt comes over and sits by me, smiling seductively as her low cut top exposes her cleavage. Go find someone who cares! I’m not interested. “Hey, there!” She bumps my shoulder with her bare arm. I think it’s her way of getting in some contact. Her divorce isn’t even final and she’s already looking for someone to sink her greedy little claws into. My father isn’t too fond of her, calling her a money grubbing bitch, but he doesn’t say anything for Monica’s sake. I’m not sure if he’s really committed to this new relationship or is simply lonely.

  “Hi.” I look at her briefly and answer casually before turning to look at the fireworks.

  “So what’s a handsome guy like you doing in SoCal? Nobody waiting for you back East?” She gathers her straight, long black hair and tosses it over one shoulder.

  I look at her with such contempt; I don’t mean to be a dick, but I don’t want to talk to her and I definitely don’t want to talk to her about my love life or lack thereof.

  “It’s complicated.” I turn away from her to scan the beach looking for Maddie and Luke. Hopefully my answer will shut her up for a while.

  “Aw, that’s too bad. Things don’t have to be complicated, you know.” Her beady little eyes roam over my body. “I can help make things real easy.” Oh, shut the fuck up already! Can’t she take a hint? I wouldn’t touch her if she were the last woman on the planet.

  Sand flies in our direction as a dog runs past after a tennis ball.

  “What the hell?” She jumps up and brushes the fine sand from her face and hair. Her face contorts into one of anger. With an annoyed huff, she stomps off in the direction of the restroom. I watch a teenage boy play fetch with his dog. I think of Brady and of course I think about Mia. Not a damn day goes by that I don’t think about her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about her.

  I wonder where she is tonight. I wonder what she’s doing or who she’s with. I pray she’s not with Shane or Will. I know either one of them would be happy to step right in and take my place. They’d want to comfort her, hold her, kiss her and love her. Motherfuckers.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. When I pull it out, I see Mike’s name. I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks, at least not since Mia’s been home. I know he’s still pissed at me for leaving. I couldn’t tell him my reasons; I don’t think he’d understand. The text message is simple and it tells me that I need to come home because there’s something that I need to see. What the hell does that mean? If he’s trying to be funny and use some fucked up jealousy angle to get me to come home because Mia is with someone, I’m all set. To know she might be with someone is hard enough, but to physically see her with someone else would be torture. I would hate any guy who has her attention. Doesn’t he know that I would give anything to go home to her? But I can’t.

  Me: What’s up? Why do I need to come back East?

  I don’t use the word home. It’s not my home anymore.

  Mike: Just come back. Trust me.

  He doesn’t text or call again, and I don’t reach out to him. I think I’ll wait a couple of weeks and bring the kids to visit their grandparents before school starts again at the end of summer.

  ***

  A FEW DAYS later Mike texts me again. “More time wasted. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  This talking in code shit annoys me, but when I call him several times over the next few days, it goes directly to voicemail. Maybe he’s sleep deprived and having a new baby is making him a little crazy. God know he’s not making any sense to me.

  I am awakened during the night by Maddie’s screams; she’s calling out for her mother and then she screams for Mia. She curls into my arms when I wake her and bring her to my bed. A short while later, I feel the bed dip slightly as Luke crawls in next to me and I feel his wet face against my shoulder.

  “Dad?” I hear him whisper to see if I’m awake.

  “Yeah, bud.” I ask, turning to face him.

  “I wanna go home. I miss Mia.”

  The lump in my throat is the size of a fucking bowling ball. “I know, bud. I miss her, too.”

  I pull him close to me and comfort him as he releases the raging river of tears that he’s held in all these months since we left. My fingers run through his short hair and my eyes follow the circling motion of the ceiling fan as hot tears fall silently. What the hell have I done to my kids? What the hell have I done?

  FOURTH OF JULY like Memorial Day was low key. I spent the day at a small cookout with Shelby and Mike and their families. I decided not to share my news with anyone at home except for Shelby and Mike. When he finally calmed down after his rant when I told him I was pregnant, he’s become very supportive, encouraging me that if Adam doesn’t want to be a part of our baby’s life, then I could rest assured that I would be fine on my own. Mike is such a good guy.

  Kate called a few days later to see if she could stop by. I haven’t seen her in so long. Rehab served her well; she looked happy and healthy. Her hair was back to its original soft blonde and her cheeks were tanned from her days at the beach. When she suggested that we go out to listen to a new band, I politely declined. The regret I saw in her eyes was clear. She knows our friendship will never be the same again. Call it pregnancy brain, but I totally forget to mention to her that I’m pregnant. It won’t be too much longer that I’ll be able to hide beneath oversized t-shirts and loose shorts.

  Pete and Tyler are still traveling cross country and won’t be back for another few weeks or so. I miss him so much. I guess it’s true that the person who misses the most is the person who stays behind. They’ve been so busy I’m sure he hasn’t had time to miss me.

  Mr. Longo knocks on my back door, half crazed and frantic, yelling that his wife has fallen down the stairs and is unconscious. After bolting out of my house and into theirs, I find Mrs. Longo at the landing of the staircase with her arm twisted in the wrong direction, a clear indication of a serious fracture. The paramedics arrive within minutes, followed by the sound of a police cruiser. Her fragile body is secured and lifted into the ambulance. I drive Mr. Longo to the hospital. He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t have to; his tear stained face says it all.

  The doctors say she will make a full recovery after some intensive rehab and physical therapy for her broken arm. I offer to stay with them for as long as they needed me. They are like family to me.

  ***

  MRS. LONGO SITS on the front steps and watches me weed her garden. It is her only concern.

  “Mia, thank you dear for being so good to us. You’re such a good girl.” I don’t exactly qualify as a girl anymore. I am twenty-eight years old, but I get her point.

  I wipe the sweat from my brow with the back of the glove. “Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.” I smile.

  “You’re going to have a boy.” Her blue eyes stare at me sweetly, full of confidence.

  “You think so? I was thinking a little girl would be nice. I don’t really like the male gender these days. Except for him of course. ” I smirk and nod at Brady who lies in the grass beneath a huge, hundred year old, full oak tree.

  “I just have a feeling. I know it’s a boy who will love you forever. You’re going to be a wonderful mother to him.”

  I don’t know how to respond. Whenever I dream of my baby, I picture a beautiful little girl with a head full of dark curls cascading around big brown eyes like her daddy’s.

  “I think he’s been by a few times.”

  The garden trowel in my hand stills. “Who?” I know damn well who she’s talking about. I know that he’s been seen around town with his redheaded whore. But I’m over it. I don’t want to hear about it because I don’t care anymore. He doesn’t care about me or this baby, fine. Fuck you, Adam Lawson. I won’t care either.

  “You know who, Mia. Don’t be coy.” She purses her lips. “I think he comes by to check on you.”

  I’m annoyed that she’s still talking about him. I
look up and sigh deeply. “I don’t want to be rude, but can we please not talk about him? He made his choice and it clearly wasn’t me.” I sit back on my heels with my knees pressing into the rich soil, my eyes drop to my slightly protruding belly. “Or us.”

  I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket and the name “Mom” flashes across the screen. I’ll call her later when I have more time to talk. She’s been calling me almost every day to see how I’m feeling or to offer some herbal remedy to bolster my baby’s brain function or her spiritual closeness with Mother Earth. On days like that, I call my brother and tell him to call her so she’ll leave me the hell alone.

  ***

  SHANE TEXTS ME a couple of days later to tell me that he’s loving the move to Boston and that he would love for me to visit. He offers to take me to a Red Sox game when the Yankees are in town. I tell him about Mrs. Longo and that although I’d love to visit Boston, now isn’t a good time. He accepts my answer and says me that he misses me. I hope he finds someone in Boston.

  Adam

  BY THE TIME we travel to Los Angeles International Airport, board and travel nearly seven hours back east, my kids are exhausted, starving and whiny. Things have been so stressful lately with searching for the right house for us, getting the kids registered for school and then all this talk about coming home. I might just lose my fucking mind, but knowing that I might have the chance to see her face to face makes it worthwhile. Schools back on the west coast start earlier than in the east so I had to keep my promise to them that they’d get to see their grandparents and, possibly, Mia before the start of school.

  I don’t know how the hell I’m going to arrange this. I know she won’t want to see me. I can’t say I blame her. Not after what I did and the way I treated her. There are so many things I’ll never forgive myself for, but that has to take the fucking cake. Breaking her heart like that was unforgivable. The look in her eyes told me that she’d never forgive me, not in a million years. I knew it had to be done, but still, even I wouldn’t forgive me.

  Late that night we arrived at the house. The smell of disinfectant is still strong; there’s no familiar scent and it’s not welcoming anymore. Soon enough it won’t be my house. The memories of living here, loving her and starting a new life with her will be just that—memories.

  I carry Maddie into the house and set her down gently on the bed. The room is a skeleton of what it used to be. It looks like a room in a catalog, no personal touches, no artwork on the easel, no row of neatly placed shoes and sneakers, nothing reminiscent of the little girl who lived here. “Daddy?” Her sleepy eyes flutter open. “Tell Mia I said goodnight and that I love her.”

  “Shhh, go to sleep.” I kiss her forehead lightly. “You can tell her yourself in the morning.”

  When I carry Luke in, he asks me to lie down with him so I do. His thin body snuggles next to mine. The stars scattered on the ceiling still glow in the dark. I listen to him breathe quietly until he lets out a deep sigh, telling me that he’s finally asleep for the night. I slide out of his bed and make my way downstairs into the kitchen to get something to eat. I’m famished. I open the refrigerator and look through every cabinet but find nothing. I sit on a stool on the island and drop my face into my hands. I’m not really hungry for food. It’s Mia that I crave; I’m starving for a single look from those beautiful eyes, a single touch of her gentle hand, a single kiss of those lips. What I wouldn’t do to slide in behind her and run my nose along the nape of her neck, allowing myself a single moment to take in her scent.

  After opening my bedroom door, I head straight for the shower. Just thoughts of her have my cock stiff and in need of release. The dual shower heads rain down on me as my thoughts carry me away to a place where I make love to her while my hand goes to work. I pull down one of the showerheads to wash away the remnants left on the tiled wall. I sit on the shower bench and think. How am I going to approach her? Will she be receptive to the kids? Will I have the power to control myself and not fall to her knees?

  I dry off and walk toward the guest room. I can’t sleep in my bed without her. She’s the only woman who’s ever shared it.

  The next morning the kids and I stop by Maple’s Restaurant for breakfast since we have no food in the house. There’s no point in going grocery shopping because we’re not staying for very long.

  An overfriendly waitress greets us. I remember her. She’s the one who knew Mia and if I remember correctly, she was presumptuous and rude.

  “Well, good morning, handsome. How are you?” Her eyes brighten and she adjusts her apron, pushing her tits up. “What brings you back this way?” She looks at me seductively like I’ve come back for her. She’s fucking annoying.

  “Morning,” I respond flatly. I don’t answer her questions but ask the twins what they’d like to eat. I don’t think she realizes they’re sitting right beside me.

  After placing our order, I text Mike and tell him that I’m in town, explaining what my plans are. His response is quick and blunt. “Good. You can thank me later.”

  I really wish I knew what the hell he’s talking about. He doesn’t offer any ideas on how to go about this. He doesn’t tell me where she’ll be or if she’s with anyone. With no help from him, I have to figure this out on my own. Always have—always will.

  My palms are sweaty and my knuckles are white as I grip the steering wheel after parking the rental in front of her house. I thought about calling or texting, but that would give her to the opportunity to say no. If it weren’t for Maddie and Luke, I wouldn’t be sitting here with a huge knot in my stomach and a damn lump in my throat.

  “C’mon, Dad. Let’s go!” My kids pipe up in the back seat. I can only pray that even if she tells me to fuck off, she will be kind to them. It would crush them if she isn’t. But I know her; she has always accepted and loved them.

  The yard looks good with the full oak trees providing shade from the hot sun and unseasonably warm temperatures for New England. The Longo’s house looks well cared for. I can tell Mrs. Longo has been weeding daily. Her garden is home to a variety of vegetables and herbs. God, I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous. I can’t control the pounding of my heart and I am not one to be out of control.

  I follow my kids who nearly jump out of the car and run down the long driveway before stopping at the back door. The Jeep is parked in its usual spot in front of the garage, the top rolled back exposing the worn, black leather. I gaze around her backyard as Luke knocks lightly on the door. I notice the fire pit is still smoldering and a few wine glasses and some water bottles are left behind. A pang of jealousy shoots through me when I think about who could’ve been here with her. I remember being here so many nights sitting and talking, simply enjoying her company. So many nights I took for granted, always assuming that I’d have more time with her. It’s just like the locals in Puerto Rico who don’t know the beauty of their home. I turn back to the door just as Maddie knocks again adding more force with her little hand.

  The sound of Matt Nathanson’s music comes through the open windows as we wait and wait.

  “Maybe she’s not home.” Maddie stands on her tiptoes thinking it’ll give her a better view into the kitchen.

  “She has to be. Her Jeep is here,” Luke answers.

  “Can we just go in?” Maddie looks up at me, hoping for an answer of yes.

  “No, sweetheart, we can’t. We’ll have to come back later.” I offer a gentle smile.

  The look of dejection on my kids’ faces shreds me. Luke’s eyes drop to the ground and his shoulders slump. Tears well up in my daughter’s eyes.

  This is a mistake; bringing my children here to see her will only cause more damage when we leave again. What the fuck was I thinking? I have to be the world’s biggest loser of a father.

  Luke turns and bangs on the door with all his might.

  “Luke! Stop that! She’s not here!” I pull his arm away from the door just as he’s about to knock again. If I’m being honest, I’m just as crush
ed as they are.

  Just then Brady’s bark is heard as he runs up from the basement to the back door to greet us. He looks huge and happy. I swallow hard with anticipation.

  My kids are thrilled to see him through the glass. Maddie taps the glass and shouts his name. It’s like they’re long lost friends finally reunited.

  When Mia finally emerges, yelling for Brady to stop barking, I am not prepared. As her bare foot climbs onto the last step, walking into the kitchen, she looks to the source of all the noise and then her eyes meet mine. Two things happen instantly, her eyes widen as she visibly gasps and the hold of the laundry basket in front of her tightens.

  Like I said, I am not prepared.

  I MUST BE dreaming. My mind is playing a nasty trick on me, offering a very realistic hallucination that when I wake will be ripped away from me once again. My eyes register that Adam is standing outside the door of my kitchen alongside Maddie and Luke, but my brain fights hard to jar me from this delusion. It’s trying to protect my heart.

  I inhale sharply and blink several times as Brady continues to bark incessantly. My fingers tighten into a death hold on the laundry basket, securing it in front of me. It’s as though I need a barrier between us when in reality all I want to do is run to him. A thousand questions swirl around my head all at once. What is he doing here? Why did he bring the kids? What does he want? How long are they here for? For as many questions as I want to ask, I know I have something to tell him.

  Without breaking eye contact, my feet trudge slowly to the door and I push Brady to the side with my leg, allowing the door to open. I stand face to face with the love of my life, the man who shattered my heart. I’ve dreamt about this moment so many times. In my daydreams, I was strong. I was brave. I did not break down.

  The ache in my throat robs me of the ability to speak. Maddie and Luke’s squeals of delight snap me of out my trance as they step up and throw their little, lanky arms around me. It’s awkward because I can’t seem to put the basket down. I adjust it to the side, bend my knees and return their hugs. My eyes close, my lips smile, and my heart soars. I have missed them so much. The smile on my face fades when I reopen my eyes and find their father staring at me with those eyes. The battle between happiness and anger wrestle inside of me. Happiness for having the opportunity to see them, anger because I know they can’t stay. I narrow my eyes at him, letting anger win out.