by L. M. Carr
I plaster a smile on my face for the sake of the two children in front of me. “Hi, you guys!” I rub Maddie’s back as Luke drops to his knees to pet Brady. Adam remains standing stoically just beyond the threshold of the door. I think he knows better than to enter. He knows he is not welcomed anymore. “What are you doing here?” I look down into the face of the little girl I love so much.
“We missed you!” Maddie’s head rests against my belly as I continue to rub her back and run my fingers through her shorter hair.
“Well, I’ve missed you! How are you?” I keep my eyes cast downward. I don’t need to ask how he is. He looks just fine. His dark hair is replaced with a much shorter cut and his face is completely shaven, leaving his strong jaw exposed. He looks handsome but weary.
“I’m good. We’re going to see Gramma and Grampa tomorrow.”
Luke stands up and wraps his arms around my waist. He’s an intuitive child; I hope he doesn’t mention the slight swell of my belly. I expect him to say something about missing me, but he doesn’t. He just stands there holding onto me. I lean down and place a kiss on the top of his baseball cap. I glance over to where their father is now squatting. He rubs behind Brady’s ears and although I don’t hear anything, it looks like he’s talking to my dog.
“Daddy, I need to go to the bathroom,” Maddie says as Adam kisses Brady’s head and stands tall. God, he’s gorgeous.
“Come on, boy.” Luke steps away from me and runs out the back door into the yard with Brady.
“You remember where the bathroom is, don’t you sweetie?” I smile at her.
“Yep,” she answers and skips happily through the kitchen to the bathroom.
I step back into the kitchen, adjusting the laundry basket and shift my weight to lean against the island. I wonder if he can hear the pounding of my heart from where he’s standing. I close my eyes briefly and inhale deeply, conjuring up all the strength I have within me to confront him. The deluge of emotions that are rushing through my body collide with each other.
I stand straight and raise my chin before I face him.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, void of emotion. My attempt to feign nonchalance is hard. He knows me too well.
He doesn’t respond. He just stands there staring at me.
“What are you—” I begin to ask again before he opens his full lips to speak.
“I had to see you.” His words rush out. “I mean . . .” he stammers, “The kids wanted to see you.” Our eye contact is broken when he looks away from me, a guilty look on his handsome face. His shoulders slump in defeat. Oddly enough, I want to comfort him.
I remain resolute although the fact that he’s only a few feet away from me is unbearable. Given the opportunity to get closer, I don’t know if I would slap him or kiss him.
How did we ever get to this point? This is the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. This is the other half of my soul. And now it’s as if we’re strangers.
“The kids look good. They look happy,” I offer.
With a slight shake of his head, he sadly counters my words. “They’re not.”
I feel my determination starting to fade. It breaks my heart to hear that Maddie and Luke aren’t happy. Those children have been through so much already.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I hear the toilet flush and know that Maddie is on her way back.
The moment is awkward between us. What can he say? It’s his fault they’re unhappy. Minutes pass by before Madison walks into the kitchen and asks if she can go play with her brother and Brady.
“Of course!” I blurt without thinking. A wide smile crosses my face until I realize that I may have overstepped my bounds; it’s not my place anymore to tell her what she can and can’t do. Truthfully, I would love to have her and Luke stay for a while and spend some time with me, but I know that won’t happen. Adam shifts his weight to the side to let his daughter pass by. “Not too long and not too far,” he says as he tugs on her short ponytail.
He finds me staring at him, still in awe that he has the balls to come here and act like we’re friends after all that’s happened, after all he did to me.
“Mia, I’m—” His brown eyes flash to meet mine and in them I see sadness and perhaps regret.
“What? What were you going to say?” I can’t bring myself to say his name.
Nothing. That’s his response.
“What? You had plenty to say the last time I saw you.” My words are sharp and meant to inflict hurt. I close my eyes briefly and inhale deeply before I mentally chastise myself. I don’t want to hurt him and yet I do. I want to keep the knowledge of this child a secret so he can’t be a part of her life. But that would be spiteful and vindictive. I am many things, but those words do not describe who I am or ever want to be.
“This was a mistake,” he murmurs, mostly to himself, running his fingers through his short hair before massaging the nape of his neck.
The sound of his phone in his front pocket signals an incoming text. I watch as he slides it out of his cargo shorts and taps the button to silence it. Some things never change I guess.
The silence in the room is deafening. I swear I could hear the frantic thumping of my heart. We stand here, facing each other, but no words are exchanged for what seems like an endless amount of time.
The back door swings open and Luke comes in, hot and sweaty with a bright red face. “Mia, could I have a drink?”
“Please?” Adam prompts his son.
“Please,” Luke says with a smile.
I smile at the little boy I love. “Sure, bud. Help yourself. You know where the cups are.” I nod my chin in the direction of the lowest cabinet.
Again, my eyes find his father’s and just like I suspect, he’s watching us closely.
Luke takes out a plastic cup, fills it with cold tap water from the sink and guzzles it all down. After he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, he goes about refilling it and then proceeds to go back outside. He must see the questioning look on his father’s face because he says, “What? Brady’s thirsty, too.”
“They’re such good kids.” I smile as I watch him pour water into Brady’s bowl by the patio chair.
God, I wish he’d say something. Anything would be better than this silence.
“How long are you going to be in town?” I ask even though I don’t really want to know. I’m just torturing myself.
“Just a couple of days. The kids start school soon.”
“School?” The disbelief on my face is clear by the furrowing of my eyebrows. “It’s only the middle of July!”
He swallows hard before speaking.
“We’re in California.” He casts his eyes away from me.
California? Why the hell would he go all the way across the country? I thought maybe they were in New York or at least somewhere in the tri-state area, but the West Coast? I want to ask if he had to go across the country because he thought I would stalk him and beg that we reconcile. Not that that’s too far from the truth when he first left.
“Oh.” I manage and move the laundry basket that I’m still holding to the other hip, continuing to conceal my midsection.
“My father is there.” He answers my unspoken question. “We went there—”
My hand flies up to stop him. “I don’t need to know.”
His phone chirps again.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles as he retrieves his phone to look at the message. His lips pull into a tight line, and I wonder what’s going on inside his head. I can’t decide if it’s a look of annoyance or disappointment that shows on his face as he responds by tapping on his phone.
I want to ask what exactly he’s sorry for, but I don’t. It doesn’t matter anymore. He made his choice and I have to live with the consequence that grows daily in my belly. I know I should tell him now, but I can’t. I don’t know how he’ll respond or if he’ll even care. That’s a lie. I know he’ll care because somewhere deep, beyond those beautiful brown e
yes is the man I love and remember, not the harsh man. I try to remember the good in him so someday when I tell my daughter about her father, I can be kind. I try hard not to see the angry cruel version of him, the one who was drunk and told me to go home and promised that he would fuck me over, the same one who silently screwed me senseless before breaking my heart. No, in my dreams it’s the loving, gentle version who tells me that he loves me. The one who moves my long hair to the side so he can run his nose across the nape of my neck, inhaling my scent. The one who loves me unconditionally. That’s the version of him who stars almost nightly.
Maddie and Luke come running toward us and pull the storm door open. “Daddy, why are you still standing out here?” Her little nose scrunches in question. Luke walks to the sink to refill his cup.
“No reason, honey. It’s just about time to go.” I catch the expression on his face. He looks sullen; perhaps he doesn’t want to go or doesn’t want to hear his daughter whine about having to leave.
“But, Dad, you said we could—” Luke adds his two cents before being told to be quiet. “It’s time to go. You need to say goodbye.” His daughter is ushered in my direction.
“But, Dad, you said we could stay after you talked to Mia.” He’s one stubborn boy and his determination is strong.
“Luke,” the tone in Adam’s voice is one of warning.
I watch this interaction between a loving father and his obstinate son, wondering where my sweet, compliant boy has gone. He seems so mature for just being seven years old. “No, Dad. You . . . you promised.” Luke’s chest rises and falls with each breath. He looks like he’s ready to take on the world.
It’s like watching ping pong as my eyes dart back and forth between them.
“Listen, they can stay for a little while. I’m not doing anything special, just some laundry.” I smile, intervening on Luke’s behalf.
“Dad? Please!” Maddie’s fingers entangle in a clenched fist and it flies under her chin, pleadingly.
It’s clear that their father is torn as he blinks several times, looking over at me thoughtfully. Does he not trust me? Does he think I would do them harm? God, I love these children like they were my own.
“It’s fine with me. We can make some lunch and maybe give Brady a bath. He’d love it.” I look at Luke who is still standing tall with his shoulders back, staring at his father fiercely.
“Go wait outside,” he commands his children.
“Okay,” Luke mumbles under his breath. He is clearly not happy.
Maddie runs to me and squeeze in between the laundry basket and my stomach. She whispers, “I hope he says yes.”
“Madison, outside.”
The storm door shuts lightly and we stand there once again facing each other.
“Mia . . .”
To hear my name fall from his lips is almost too much. My lip is pulled in between my teeth as desire begins.
“I don’t think this is a good idea. I don’t think they should stay.” And just like that my desire is quashed. He doesn’t trust me! Bastard. “Whatever you decide, right? Isn’t that how it goes with you? Who cares what anyone else wants or says? You have the final say.” I swallow the bile that’s threatening to rise with my scornful words.
He crosses the threshold and steps into my kitchen but still maintains a safe distance away. “That’s not what I meant.” His shoulders fall as does his head.
“Really? Because it sure as hell sounded that way.” I straighten my spine and stand tall.
“Mia, they’ve been miserable. I’m afraid this.” He looks around the kitchen before settling his gaze back on me. “Being here with you will do more harm than good. They won’t want to leave. Believe me.”
I snort. “They’re your kids. It’s your call, but you make sure they know it was your decision not mine.” I reach for my phone when it starts to ring. After reading the caller’s name, I swipe the reject button, deciding that whatever Shane is calling about will have to wait until later.
Again, Adam runs his fingers through his short hair and scratches hard at the base of his neck. I know he’s contemplating what to do. It makes me sad that he’s thinking so hard about this.
He exhales loudly and asks quietly, “What time should I come get them?”
I glance at the clock on the microwave and my shoulders shrug. “I don’t know. How about in a couple of hours? Or I can just call you.” I tense when I instantly realize my mistake. I don’t have his phone number anymore.
He must realize my mistake, too. “Let me give you my number.”
“No, you don’t have to do that. Just come back in a couple of hours.”
“What if there’s an emergency and you need to get in touch with me?”
I want to take his number and commit it to memory, knowing I would have the option to hear his voice anytime, but the thought that I might hear some woman in the background isn’t a chance I’m willing to take. Why torture myself even more?
“They will be fine. I promise.”
“Alright.”
When he turns to walk into the yard to deliver the news to his kids, I set the laundry basket down, reach in and pull out an oversized t-shirt, slipping it on over my tank top and follow him out.
“You two better be good. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” He kisses each of them on the top of their head before tapping the brim of Luke’s cap and turning to me. “Thank you for this. It means a lot to them. And to me.” His last words are hushed as if he were only speaking to himself.
I watch as he turns, walks down my driveway, and gets into a four door sedan. Maddie and Luke wave goodbye frantically like they’ve just been told that they’re going to see Willy Wonka. I smile to myself.
Mrs. Longo knocks on her window, drawing my attention to her. Her smile is bright and wide. She looks like the cat that just ate the canary. I roll my eyes at her and smile, waving back.
Adam
MY HANDS SHAKE as I turn the key in the ignition and my breathing is ragged. I have to take several deep breaths just to calm down. I can’t believe she was mere feet away from me. I had to do everything in my power not to pull her close and kiss her. I just wanted to touch her, but I know that a touch would create the desire for more and I don’t have that right anymore. I made sure of that.
The houses and the parked cars are a blur as I drive away from her house. I feel lost without my kids, lost without her. I agree to meet the realtor at the house to go over the final details of the sale before the closing in a few weeks. I hate to sell my house, but there’s no reason to keep it. After this week, I won’t come back. I can’t come back.
I tap the volume control button on the steering wheel and instantly the CD of Maddie’s favorite boy band fills the silence. It’s actually a pretty good song, but what would some barely legal kid would know about true heartache. I, like him, wish I had amnesia. I wish I could wake up with amnesia and forget how much I love her. I wish I could erase all those things I said to her.
At the stoplight, I grab my phone from the center console to see who’s texting me. Although I have a new number that only a few people have, it’s never quiet. Annoyance riddles my body when I see Dawn’s name. Why my father gave her my number is beyond me. She calls all the time asking if we can get together or hang out. Even if she was the last woman on earth and I wasn’t crazy in love with Mia, I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole. She’s that bad. One might even call her disgusting.
I don’t respond to her, maybe she’ll finally get the hint and leave me the fuck alone. The one person who I want to talk to is the same one who refused to take my number. I know my next move might put me deeper into asshole category, but I’ve got nothing to lose. I tap out her number along with a message that simply says, “Just in case you need to get in touch with me.” I can only imagine how pissed she’ll be. Angry Mia is a little scary at times.
I get no response back.
Even though we’re only here for a few days, I make a quick stop at the
grocery store to get the essentials and some snacks for the kids to take to their grandparent’s house. Everything looks the same. Everything feels the same. I see Angie at the register smiling at her customers. As I push the squeaky carriage toward the dairy section, I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking that I’m the asshole who broke Mia’s heart. Grabbing a few more things, I see Lee behind the counter at the butcher shop. I think of all the times I’ve been here with Mia. All the times she snuck a box of Fruity Pebbles into the carriage when she thought I wasn’t looking. God, I miss her.
With everything I need in the carriage, I make my way to Angie’s line. I could go through express checkout, but I want to ask her about Mia.
The smile on her face falls immediately when she sees me unloading my groceries onto the conveyor belt.
“Humpf.” She snorts. “Well, well, well. Look who’s back in town.”
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
“Hello, Miss Angie.” I offer a small smile.
“Boy, don’t you smile and ‘Hello, Miss Angie’ me!”
Suddenly I feel like a six year old boy who got caught being bad in school.
“I know what you did and it ain’t right! You damn nearly killed that girl. You gone and broke her heart like that.”
I have no words; she’s absolutely right, although I doubt that I nearly “killed her.” That’s what I was avoiding to begin with. Mia’s alive, happy and healthy—just like she should be.
I watch silently as she continues to scan each item. I notice her long finger nails tap the buttons harder than necessary and her lips are in a tight line.