Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  “I hate California. Grandpa’s boat is stupid and I . . . hate you!” Luke shouts as he storms out of the house without another word, the loud slamming of the door silences us.

  I want to run outside to comfort Luke and tell him that everything will be okay, but I can’t. I know it’s not true.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Maddie’s eyes open wide and her eyebrows shoot up. “Uh-oh! He’s mad again.”

  Curiosity wins out against my better judgment. “What’s going on with your brother? Is he always like this with your dad?”

  Her petite shoulders shrug. “Sometimes.”

  I lead Maddie to the bathroom so I can wash her face and hands. “Can I fix your hair?”

  She nods excitedly as I reach for the strawberry scented detangling spray and brush her hair back into a ponytail. “You cut your hair. I like it.”

  “I don’t.” She looks at me in the mirror.

  “You don’t? Then why’d you cut it, silly?” I chuckle, looking at her in the mirror.

  “I didn’t.” Sad eyes meet mine as she whispers, “Dawn did.”

  Dawn? Oh fuck. I don’t want to know who Dawn is. I clamp my mouth shut to suppress the roll of nausea and bile.

  When she’s fresh and pretty, we walk into the kitchen where her father and brother wait quietly.

  “Thank you for letting them stay and spending some time with you today. I know you didn’t have to.” His words are low and careful.

  “Thank you.” I smile even though my chin is about to quiver. “We had a lot of fun, didn’t we?” I break my gaze away from his face to look at the kids.

  “You guys need to say goodbye. We really have to get going.”

  Even though the words are spoken, no one makes a move. I need them to go before I break down and beg them to stay.

  “Come here, you two. Give me a hug.” I open my arms wide enough for both of them, squeezing them together. “Thanks for coming to see me.” I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

  Maddie giggles when I tickle her and then steps back. Luke, however, holds on a little longer and that’s when I feel the emotion about to surface. “Be a good boy, Luke,” I whisper before I kiss the top of his head.

  “Let’s go. In the car. Seatbelts on.” He ushers them out before he turns back to me.

  A single tear slips out before I can blink it away.

  “Mia . . .” I hear the sympathy in his voice and I can see it written clear as day on his face. What was the point in coming here? What was the point in reopening the wounds of my shattered heart?

  I exhale loudly. “I’m fine.” I remember how much he hated it whenever I used that word. I’m far from fine and he knows it.

  His tongue darts out to lick his lips as his eyes drop to my mouth. God, what I would give for just one taste. I can’t see anything but him. I can’t hear anything but his ragged breathing.

  I wipe another tear. “Take care of yourself.” I cross my arms in front of me because I swear that my heart is about to fly out of my chest.

  He nods subtly, swallows hard and leaves. He doesn’t look back as he closes the door. He just leaves. Again.

  Adam

  IT’S LATE WHEN I finally crash into bed; the whirring of the air conditioner is the only sound in this quiet, lonely house. Fighting with Luke is exhausting. I don’t know what’s gotten into him lately. One second he’s fine, the next he’s pissed off and ready to take on the world. There’s no doubt that he’s my boy.

  The early morning sun shines through the window that faces the east, its light wakes me up after only a few hours of sleep. That damn nightmare haunted me and sleep evaded me. It’s early for a run, but there’s no point in lying here. My daily runs on the beach out west have become my only time of solitude. The time I spend running gets longer each day, mile by mile.

  I would normally drive to a park, but I need to expend this pent up energy and frustration. I saw her yesterday. I fucking held her in my arms and had to let her go. There was that single moment when I didn’t think I could hold my shit together. Those gorgeous eyes of hers—they truly are the windows to her soul. A knife pierced and twisted in my heart when I saw that single tear fall. Once again, I hurt her. She’s so strong—so much stronger than I’ve ever been or ever will be.

  I secure the ear buds deep in my ears. I don’t want to hear anything but the screeching of the electric guitar that will drown out my thoughts. I can run and be back in time to meet Leo to review our plan of action with our newly acquired investment.

  Pounding the pavement like I’m running for my life, I round the corner of Peterson Park and slow my pace. Fuck! How did I end up here? I had no specific destination, no set path in mind. I was just running. Of course my body knows where to go. It would lead me back to her every time if I let it.

  The sun is peeking over the horizon since it’s still early morning. There are only a few people out. The lone jogger, an elderly man, offers a quick, silent wave as he passes by, keeping his pace steady.

  I glance at my phone to check the time, deciding I can make it up the expert trail and back to the house with time to spare. I’m running on adrenaline now. Mia’s house isn’t far from here and it’s as though I can feel her. She feels at peace; I’m sure she’s resting in her warm bed with Brady cuddled beside her. I run my fingers through my hair as I think that he better be the only fucking thing next to her. Not that I have a right to say anything anymore.

  The trail is damp from the early morning dew. I set a good tempo, jumping over broken twigs and rocks as I climb higher and higher. Sleep deprivation and the long run to the park take a toll on me; I’m winded and tired even before I reach the summit. I slow my steps and walk the rest of the way. The tall tree provides the much needed support for my weary body. I lean my back against the tree and close my eyes, breathing deeply to catch my breath. I feel like I’ve just gone ten rounds with Floyd Mayweather. My heart is beating irregularly fast and I start to feel dizzy. I lean over, resting my palms on my thighs and pray that I don’t pass out. What the fuck is going on?

  A loud gasp snaps my head up, looking for its source. And there she is. My beautiful girl is sitting on the edge, dangling those long sexy legs just like she did when I first saw her here last summer. Her back is to me, but her head is turned, looking at me and I can see the tears that stain her face.

  “Mia.” My voice sounds tired and raspy.

  She turns away and buries her face in her hands. I don’t hear anything, but the violent shaking of her shoulders tells me that she’s sobbing. My heart is about to explode.

  I don’t know what to do. I stand straight up and walk in her direction, praying that she won’t send me away.

  She doesn’t turn around nor does she send me away. She just wails silently. I close the gap between our bodies and lower myself so that I’m squatting behind her. I raise my hand to touch her, but then pull it away. The war that rages within me is fierce.

  “Please don’t touch me.” Her voice is broken and sad. It amazes how we can still feel each other without actually touching. She is the other half of me. She always will be.

  I respect her wish, but move slowly to sit down behind her. What can I say to her to make her feel better? What can I say to stop the tears? The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t do it. I can’t tell her that I love her beyond life itself and that I want to come back. That I need to come back.

  “Why?” She murmurs. “Why would you do this to me?”

  Because I’m a selfish bastard who manipulated the situation and used my kids for my own benefit. Because I’m a selfish bastard who had to see you one last time. Because I’m a selfish bastard.

  “Mia, I never meant to hurt you.” What a fucking joke. That’s exactly what I meant to do the night of my birthday and two days later when I knew what I had to do. I had to save her from me. I had to save her from what I always do to the people who trust me.

  “Why couldn’t you just stay away? You left. I�
�m trying to move on with my life.” She hiccups as she speaks. “You can’t waltz back into my life and give me a scrap of time with your kids. It isn’t fair to me, or to them.”

  She’s absolutely right. It isn’t fair. I wipe the water pooling in my eyes.

  “You have no idea what it was like for me. It was like you just disappeared, vanished from the face of the earth.” I can tell she’s getting mad because she’s raising her voice. “Tell me. Say something. What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much that you would do this to me?”

  I don’t hate you, Mia. I love you with all my heart. I will love you until the day that I take my last breath. I scream the words in my head, but they never reach my lips.

  My forearms rest on my bent knees and I hang my head in shame while hot tears fall to the dirt below.

  Abruptly, she stands and turns to leave. I want to stand up and wrap my arms around her. I want to look into her eyes so she can see the torment I live with daily. I want to carry her down the hill to her house, into her bedroom and make love to her. But I do nothing because but I’m paralyzed, cemented to the ground.

  “As much as I want to hate you, I can’t. As much as I want to have you out of my life for good, I can’t. A part of you will always be with me,” she whispers, turns and walks away.

  ***

  AFTER THE MEETING with Leo, I’m confident that he’s right on track with our development project and he’ll be able to manage just fine without me. I pull into the driveway of the place that was like my second home for so many years. Gina’s silver Mercedes is parked alongside the sleek black Mercedes that was left behind by her brother. I knock using the bronze lion doorknocker and wait. I look around at the ornate door and wonder why I’ve never used this door before. Family, as I once was, always used the side door. We just walked in any time, day or night. That’s just how it was here.

  “What the hell do you want?” Gina’s scornful voice greets me. Her blue eyes are hateful and vindictive. “My brother’s not here. He’s dead.”

  In that moment, I feel sorry for her. For as much of a bitch as she can be, she’s still someone’s daughter and sister. I know she sees the sympathy in my eyes. “I’m sorry about Chris.”

  I’m not sure if she believes me or not. “What do you want?”

  “Is your father home? I’d like to see him.”

  “Why?” She snorts. “Would you like to turn him into the Feds, too?”

  I’m shocked. Words evade me. No one was ever supposed to know that I had anything to do with the investigation and somehow she does. Fuck! Coming here was a mistake.

  “Never mind. I’ll go. Just tell your father that I came by. He was always good to me.”

  “Yes, he was. We all were. Too bad you didn’t remember that,” she hisses, slamming the door in my face.

  Can this day get any worse? For the next few hours, I drive around, looking at all the things I love about this small town. I see the Christmas Tree farm, I see the school, I drive past the Pour House and Maple’s Restaurant. I see the grocery store and the florist shop I used whenever I sent her flowers. I drive by the cemetery and think about going to find her daughter’s and her father’s headstones but decide against it. If Mia’s there, I won’t be able to resist her. God, I’ll miss this place.

  Luke calls to tell me that he left his favorite ball cap at Mia’s and asked if I could get it. Even though I told him that I would buy him two new hats, he insisted that it was his lucky hat and that he had to have it. I should call her to ask if I could get it, but I don’t even have the balls to hear her voice on the phone especially after this morning. Hopefully, she won’t be home and I can just find it quickly somewhere in the yard.

  As if it were that easy.

  It’s early evening when I finally park in front of her house, walk down the driveway and notice a truck with Massachusetts plates parked behind her Jeep. I can’t think of who it might be. Unfortunately, I don’t have to wait long for the answer.

  Motherfucking Shane is standing there by the grill. Tipping the bottle back, he glances in my direction before turning back to flip the steak with a long, metal fork. I know he saw me so I don’t know why the asshole is acting like he didn’t. He sets his beer down and walks into her house. He just walks in like he owns the fucking place.

  Half a minute later the screen door swings open. “What do you want now?” Mia, looking beautiful in a light coral colored sundress with her hair in a sloppy bun, asks, clearly not happy to see me. Can I blame her?

  “Sorry to bother you.” No, I’m not. I want to break up the Shane Davis party and kick his ass to the curb. “Luke said he left his hat here. Have you seen it?” I’m pathetic. I know how this looks. She’s probably thinking that I should’ve come up with a better excuse, but it’s the truth.

  Her stern face softens at the mention of Luke’s name; it wasn’t long ago that she looked at me in that same way. She used to melt at my touch. She lets out an exasperated sigh before looking around the patio and then heading inside. She doesn’t invite me in so I stand alone with my hands buried deep in my pockets.

  Shane casually strolls over to the grill, picks up his beer and looks at me like he’s got something to say. I’m all ears, motherfucker. “She’s in a good place now. I would leave her alone. Let her move on.”

  That’s not what I expected him to say. I thought he’d tell me that I had my chance and that she belongs to him now. I’d have to clarify that because even if she were with him, she’d still be mine. She will always be mine.

  I answer him with a quick nod, indicating that I understand. If he weren’t always after my girl, he wouldn’t be such a bad guy. But he was always there, lurking in the background, waiting for me to screw up so he could swoop in and save the day. Rage boils within me when I think that his arms probably held her when I left. The thought that he tasted her mouth and possibly the rest of her body makes me furious. My hands ball up into fists and I want to punch something or someone.

  Without warning, I turn quickly and walk back down the driveway. Fuck the hat. I can’t be here another minute.

  Being here has me acting like an insane person. I hate this feeling of being out of control. I pull down the blinker and steer the car towards the one place I know I can forget about everything, at least for a little while.

  SHIT! WHY DOES he keep showing up? He really is trying to torture me. I look around the kitchen, bathroom and living room, but I have no luck finding Luke’s hat. I know how much he loves that thing.

  Shane walks in with a plate topped with two succulent steaks that I’ve been craving all week, but my appetite is nowhere to be found. “What did he want?” he asks as he starts to prepare a bleu cheese and butter topping for the steak. I’m a little surprised by his question; it’s none of his business and he’s acting like it is.

  “Luke forgot his hat here,” I answer.

  The look on Shane’s face is one of skepticism as his eyebrows lift. “He came all the way over here to get a hat that his kid left months ago?” I realize that I never mentioned the visit I had with them yesterday. “They came by to see me yesterday and the kids stayed for a little while,” I explain. “It was nice to see them.” I feel slightly defensive.

  “Them? Or him?” he asks as the metal whisk he holds continues to go around and around in the saucepan. I look at him pointedly and offer a small shrug. “I’ll be right back. I have to tell him that I can’t find the hat.” My bare feet carry me slowly to the back door.

  “He already left,” I hear Shane say quietly. “He didn’t say anything. He just left.” I narrow my eyes, knowing they probably exchanged words. I can only imagine what Adam was thinking when he saw Shane, but then again, why would he care? He left and I’ve moved on.

  I glance at my phone near the Keurig and think for a second about sending him a text. I want to tell him that I couldn’t find the hat and I think it was rude that he left without saying a word. Not that my opinion matters much anymore.

/>   Throughout dinner, I use my fork to push the steak around. I pick at the loaded twice baked potato and hardly touch the Caesar salad. Shane must sense my sudden melancholy and he does his best to cheer me up. He takes the initiative and is happy to do all the talking. He tells me about his new, outrageously overpriced apartment, his search for a roommate and his plan to use his bike or public transportation to get back and forth to work. I hear his words about meeting a few people out for drinks and taking in a baseball game at Fenway Park. I hear him, but I’m not really listening. My mind is elsewhere and we both know it.

  After washing the dishes and putting away the leftovers, I walk him to the door and say goodbye, promising to visit him when I can. I’d love to see all that Boston has to offer. Perhaps it would be a nice place to raise my daughter.

  I soak my weary body in a hot bath and find myself humming a lullaby as I lather scented bubbles over my belly. Closing my eyes as I hum, I wonder what she’ll look like, this sweet life that he and I created together. Dr. Petruzzi confirmed that I got pregnant right before he left, according to the dates. My baby won’t ever know that she was the byproduct of an unfortunate event. She won’t ever know that she was conceived through a careless afternoon romp before her father broke my heart and left. She won’t ever experience loss; I have more than enough love to give.

  My phone alerts me of an incoming text, telling me that Peter, like the prodigal son, is coming home after weeks of partying and living it up with Tyler. I can’t wait to see him and tell him my news. His text messages lately have been random and cryptic; I think he might have something to tell me as well.

  I wrap my short robe around my lotioned body and head downstairs to find something to eat. Microwaved steak doesn’t sound appealing so I opt for a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Back in bed I chew my cereal slowly, savoring the delicious sweetness that I know is loaded with nothing but empty calories. Brady gives me his sad puppy dog eyes. I give him the evil eye because he is sadly mistaken if he thinks I’m sharing my cereal with him.