by L. M. Carr
She doesn’t respond and I guess I didn’t really expect her to.
***
I CALL MY mother to let her know that I’m driving into the city and would like to take her out for lunch. Her explanation that she’s actually away for the weekend doesn’t surprise me. That’s how it always was when I was a kid. My mother had plenty of time for everyone else except me.
My plan is to spend the afternoon cleaning out the office apartment and then rummage through file boxes. I’m putting it on the market as soon as I can. The elevator ride comes to stop after moments of silence. I’m surprised by the number of people who get on and off the elevator considering it’s a weekend in July. Most of them head out of town, looking for reprieve in the Hamptons.
It’s eerily quiet on the floor which is home to ten other offices. I remember how excited Chris and I were when we made an unbelievable and profitable gain in the real estate market, allowing us to secure this place. It seems like it was yesterday even though it was years ago. I unlock the door and step inside, thankful that the yellow police tape is now gone. Things are exactly the way I remember. I hadn’t used this office as much in recent years; Chris handled business in the city. I wonder if I had been the one to oversee the New York projects maybe Chris would never have gotten caught up with the illegal activities which led to his death. Maybe it would’ve been me instead.
A shiver shoots through me as I stand before the tall, floor to ceiling window and look at the city below. Taxis, cars and people hustle and bustle along, each going on about their day. Little do they know that beyond the door in the corner office is where my former best friend, the man I loved like a brother, put a bullet in his head, ending his own life which sent me into a downward spiral of guilt and sacrifice. I feel sad. I feel helpless.
I reach into my pocket to see if I’ve gotten a text from Mia, but I haven’t. I pull out the large leather chair, settle back and gaze around the room. I realize now that its contemporary, straight lines and black and white color scheme are cold like the woman who decorated it. I shake my head and can’t remember why I ever gave her the green light. I guess the power of persuasion runs deep when your last name is DeGennaro.
For hours I sort through boxes, remembering what my life used to be like. I’d been so careless, so reckless. I wipe my face, vowing that I will never let anyone or anything keep me away from the life I desperately want. Mia and my kids are my life.
I leave the building and wander the busy streets, making my way down the side streets until I reach Chelsea Piers. Since my mother isn’t available to meet me for lunch, I grab a sandwich from the deli and find a bench to sit on. Hundreds of people, locals and tourists alike, pass me by and not a single one knows the torment I feel, the ache in my heart or the guilt I carry.
I drive back to my house late that afternoon, mentally chastising myself for not being able to get the closure I need. With my hand on the door handle, I couldn’t find the strength to turn the knob and see where he ended it. The nightmares I already have haunt me enough.
***
AFTER CALLING AND listening to Maddie and Luke tell me about the great time they’re having with Nate and Katherine, I feel restless. I change into shorts and a t-shirt. My sneakers hit the concrete in even steps as I push myself to run harder after setting a decent pace. I know where I’m going to end up without even thinking about it. I’m drawn to her.
Sweat drips down my face and onto my saturated shirt. I probably should have gone home first and showered before seeing her, but I’m already here, knocking on her back door.
When she appears in the doorway, she looks beautiful but reserved. Her relaxed smile quickly morphs into one demonstrating her apprehension.
“Hi.” I smile when she opens the door.
“Hey.” Her eyes rake up and down, taking in my appearance and I notice her tongue slips out to moisten her lips. Fuck me! The image of me all sweaty and shit is still a turn on for her. I need to come here more often like this.
“I know I should’ve called or texted, but I was in the neighborhood.” She could call my bluff at any second because we both know damn well why I’m here.
“Can I get you a drink of water? You look really hot.”
“So you think I’m hot?” I smirk. I love the chuckle that escapes her when she quickly realizes that she walked right into that one.
“You’re still a wise ass.” She steps back, opens the door completely and allows me to walk through.
Brady runs over, his tail wagging happily like we’re long lost friends. “Hey, boy.” I squat down and rub behind his ears as she fills a tall glass with ice water. I wonder how my dad is doing with our puppy, Dewey. That dog is probably driving my old man crazy.
“Thank you.” I stand and take the glass she offers, letting our fingers graze. I finish the entire thing in two large gulps.
She watches me carefully. I wonder if I should ask about the text she sent, but I decide against it and ask her how her day was instead.
“Fine. I just relaxed all day. Read an entire book. Yours?”
“It was okay.”
She takes the glass from my hand and refills it. “Here. You still look hot.”
I smile at her and take a drink. “Are you still babysitting tonight?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“And you’re keeping him for the night?”
She nods, asking, “Why?”
“I was hoping to see you tonight. Just for a little while.”
She looks at me silently with indecisiveness before finding the floor, denying me her eyes.
“I told you that I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me.”
A large puff of air is released.
“You don’t want me to come over.” It’s a fact not a question.
Her brown eyes snap up and I see longing reflected in them. “No, it’s not that. I do want you to.” I breathe a quiet sigh of relief. “But I’ll be busy watching MJ.”
“So I’ll watch him with you.” The words flow from my mouth like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
I want to pull her into my arms and relieve her of this tension that riddles her body.
“Can I let you know in a little bit? He’s not an easy baby.”
“I think I can handle a baby. I have two of my own.” I tease. But then my grin fades when I think about how I never really had to handle a baby or two for that matter. I never even fucking knew my kids existed until they were almost three years old. Suddenly I feel my pulse quicken as anger for Johanna starts to overwhelm me. It doesn’t happen very often, but every now and then, I get furious to the point of violence with her for keeping my kids a secret for all those years. That had to be one of the most fucked up things she ever did. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her.
I think she knows what I’m thinking about because her pretty eyes drop to the floor again, suddenly filled with sadness or pity for me.
“Hey, it’s fine. I don’t have to come over.”
I can’t help the stupid, wide grin that spreads across my face when she reaffirms that she wants me to come over, but that I’ll be on diaper duty. For the first time in a long time, I genuinely laugh.
Brady barks at the back door. I follow her outside and watch him run off into the woods.
“How’d you get here?” She looks down her driveway, spotting only her Jeep.
“I ran here. Well, I ran to the park and then here,” I clarify.
She seems to deliberate before she offers for me to take the Jeep so I can head home to shower and change.
“Are you sure? I don’t mind the run.” The last thing she needs is added pressure.
Abruptly, she leaves and returns with her keys. “No, it’s fine. Take it.” Slowly, she hands them to me.
“Are you absolutely sure?” I step back when I receive an exasperated look that basically tells me to shut the hell up.
“Can I bring back anything? Food? Wine?”
“Sure. Food would be
great.” I’ve always loved her appetite. She’s never been one of those women who ordered a damn salad whenever we went out to eat. Instead she’d order a NY sirloin with a loaded baked potato and still leave room for dessert.
“Anything in particular?”
Her shoulders shrug and she shakes her head. “Not really. I’m pretty easy.”
For just a few seconds, the tension between us dissipates when we both laugh at her words. “I’m hot and you’re easy. We’re quite the pair, wouldn’t you say?”
Even though she’s laughing, she points to the Jeep seriously. “Go before I change my mind.”
“I’ll see you in a little bit.” It takes every ounce of self-control not to lean in and kiss her.
By the time I get home, shower and order food, it’s close to seven o’clock. I spent a good fifteen minutes on the phone with Lauren about the sale of the house and the closing date and then ten minutes talking to my father. I don’t give him too many details since I don’t really have much to say. I walk from room to room as we talk. Damn, I’m going to miss this place.
AT SIX FIFTEEN, Shelby and Mike arrive with a screaming baby in tow. Although Shelby is dressed in a short, light blue dress with capped sleeves, the look on her face doesn’t match. She’s stressing. I can tell.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, reaching for the designer diaper bag before stepping aside so Mike can carry MJ in, still tucked securely in the carrier.
“Him.” She nods in the direction of the two loves of her life. What? She can’t be upset with the baby for his colic. It’s not his fault and I remind her of that fact.
“No, not him.” She looks at her son and then looks up to her husband. “Him.” Her words are soaked with derision. It’s brief, but I notice a subtle look of defeat before he rolls his eyes ever so slightly.
Mike and Shelby are not ones to ever fight so I know it must be something serious to cause such tension between them.
“What’s going on with you two?” I ask out of real concern.
“Nothing,” he answers. “She’s being dramatic. That’s all.”
Blonde hair whips around to face him. Through gritted teeth, she asks, “Dramatic? You’ve been talking to that…” she glances at her son and whispers, “asshole all along and haven’t said a word to me?”
“Shelby, stop,” he begs.
“Have you not been here? Do you not have eyes to see what he did to her? Do you not remember what she was like?”
I want to raise my hand and wave it around to let them know that I’m standing right here, but somehow I’ve gone invisible to them.
“Guys, listen,” I interject, but their shouting match seems to escalate regardless. I feel like a referee as the words about him deserving to know and him making his own choices fill my kitchen.
“Guys! Guys! SHUT UP!” I finally yell and silence the room. Even poor MJ is startled, stopping momentarily before he resumes his lung exercise.
“God, would you two just stop already.” I walk over to unbuckle the baby and pick him up, needing something to hold like a protective barrier. “I’m fine. What happened between me and A—.” I can’t bring myself to say his name. “It’s over. I’m over it.” I can’t believe the lie that I’ve just spewed.
Two pairs of eyes look at me with sympathy as I rock their child in my arms. “Leave it alone already,” I whisper.
I’m pulled into Shelby’s body, her arms forming a cocoon around her son and me. “I’m sorry.” Mike steps forward and wraps his arms around the three of us and suddenly, laughter erupts from us. “I love you guys.” I smile. “But please don’t fight over us. It’s not your problem to deal with, I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“But that’s just it, Mia. That’s my point. You’ll be fine, but what about this baby? Will it be fine without a father? That’s not right.”
“‘It is my baby girl!” I spit out, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Oh, cut it out, Mia. You know what I mean,” Mike answers with annoyance dripping from his voice.
“Mike,” I squeak, knowing he’s completely right. “You’re right. I will tell him. I will tell him when I’m ready to.” Tonight. I need to tell him tonight. He’s only here for a few more days and I need to do this now. Maybe I can just send him a text as he boards the plane and they close the door. He’ll be half way across the country before he can do anything about it.
Shelby leaves and closes the bathroom door behind her. I assume she’s going to freshen up and calm down. She’s become feisty; she’s like a momma bear and I’m not even her cub. I can’t imagine what she’ll be like if someone messes with her little boy.
“He loves you.” Mike’s words cause my eyes to snap up. “He’s never told me why he left. He said I wouldn’t understand. But, I know for a fact that he is crazy in love with you.”
I simply nod. I don’t know that I agree with him or even believe him, but I nod as acknowledgment that I hear his words. I think deep down though, I do believe him. A little bit.
Shelby comes in, looking refreshed and calm. “I’m sorry.” She snakes her arms around his waist. I can’t see his back, but I’m pretty sure her fingers aren’t even close to touching each other. “Me, too.” He kisses the top of her head.
“Go have fun. I have a hot date with a chubby blonde.” I look down at MJ who has dried tears smeared all over his rosy cheeks.
Goodbyes are said and another “one last” kiss is given before they finally leave, hand in hand. Brady sniffs the diaper bag and looks confused. He’s not sure what to make of all the fuss.
I find my cell phone on the coffee table with a text message from him. I must’ve not heard it with all the yelling earlier. Lowering myself gently onto the couch, fearful that I’ll wake the sleeping baby in my arms, I take the phone and unlock it to read the message. He tells me that he’s on the way over and will be here soon. I look at my yoga pants and wish now that I had changed into something a little less form-fitting. Maybe I can run upstairs and throw on a sundress or something.
My heart jumps at the thought of seeing him, being inches away from him, but my head reminds me to be careful and guarded. After responding with a quick, “OK,” I toss the phone aside and reach for the remote control to lose myself in a completely unrealistic yet sweet romantic comedy.
MJ smiles and lets loose in his diaper. I quickly jump up, grab his diaper bag and head upstairs to change him. Since he’s already half naked, I decide to give him a quick bath. Shelby says that’s one way to keep him happy and calm. I hear several chirps of my phone but remember that it’s on the couch where I left it.
With the freshly bathed boy in my arms, I settle back down on the couch and pick up my phone to see Pete’s name. It would be much easier to talk on the phone, but since I have a sleeping baby draped across my chest, we text back and forth. My emotions are on a seesaw, going up and down as I answer his questions about what’s going to happen and whether or not I’ve told Adam the truth yet.
Fifteen minutes later as I’m feeding a bottle to MJ, Adam appears at my back door, carrying a large paper bag which looks full and heavy. He looks almost as good as he did earlier. He has no idea that when I see him hot and sweaty, it sends my body into overdrive, making my sensitive spot throb with want and need. My mind can be a naughty place. His face is completely smooth as is his short hair. The black v-neck t-shirt and snug jeans make him look good enough to eat. Who cares what’s in the bag!
I release the bottle and open the door quickly. Before MJ has the opportunity to fill his lungs and cause permanent hearing loss, I pop the bottle back into his mouth. “Hi.” I offer a small smile and step aside so he can come in.
“Thanks for letting me come over. It was getting a little lonely without the kids.” His eyes crinkle as he smiles. He sets the oversized bag on the island and proceeds to pull out one plastic container after another until there are four spread across the serving area. My raised eyebrows speak volumes. “I didn’t know what you wanted so I got a few d
ifferent things.”
“I told you what I wanted, but you didn’t listen.” The harsh words spill from my mouth before I have a chance to swallow them. I feel like someone has taken over my body. Pete’s words float around in my head, making me feel terribly guilty for the secret I’m keeping. My anger should be directed at myself, but I direct it at the gorgeous man in front of me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” I cast my eyes downward, full of shame. I shouldn’t be such a bitch when he’s trying so hard to be nice.
“I deserved that,” he agrees while he walks over to open the cabinet and drawer, gathering plates and silverware. “What do you want?” he asks, taking my words in stride, as he takes off the lids, revealing a feast of all my Italian food favorites. My greedy eyes roam over chicken parmesan, gnocchi with broccoli and sausage, lasagna, and spaghetti carbonara. I’m in carbohydrate Heaven. I smile. “I’ll take a little of everything.” He knows my appetite; I’ve never been one to shy away from food especially now that I’m eating for two. He smiles and nods while scooping a little bit of everything onto my plate. He serves himself then carefully balances the two loaded plates and a small loaf of bread and heads into the dining room.
Opening the fridge, I ask if he’d like water or beer. I glance over at him just in time to see that mouth pull into a sexy smirk. “Water, please. I think I’ve had enough alcohol to drink for a while.” I wonder if he regrets coming here the other night in his drunken stupor, telling me how he really felt.
I grab two bottles of water, toss them into the carrier and make my way over to him. After burping the little one, I carefully lower him into his car seat and rock him with my foot. Hopefully, he’ll be a happy camper for a little while.