Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  “So she’s a hairdresser?” I hope inwardly that that’s her occupation since she apparently cut Madison’s hair and of course it’s not when he confirms it with a “no.”

  “Do you really want to hear this?” he asks. Well, I did, but now I’m not so sure.

  “Whatever.”

  “She came over to my dad’s place one night for dinner and had too much to drink. I was out on the balcony overlooking the water, just thinking. She came over, started talking and tried running her fingers through my hair, basically offering herself to me.”

  A shiver of revulsion runs through me. Stupid bitch!

  “I grabbed her hand and told her not to touch me.”

  Strangely enough, I believe him.

  “She started saying that we could help each other with no strings attached.”

  “So the hair?”

  “I hated the thought of anyone but you running their fingers through my hair or touching my face.” He palms his smooth face and frowns before turning his lips into a full blown sexy smirk. “I know you had a thing for scruff.”

  “You’re wrong. I only had a thing for your scruff.”

  “Had?”

  “Have,” I correct.

  “That’s good to know.”

  I sip my coffee and wait for him to continue.

  “That night, I found a pair of clippers in the bathroom and shaved my hair and my beard off.”

  Holy shit! That’s a pretty drastic thing for someone to do! I know he’s always loved my long hair, but I wouldn’t cut it off because I didn’t want someone else touching it.

  “Wow. That’s kind of extreme, no?”

  “Not at all. I tried to do anything and everything to not think about you. Clearly, it didn’t work. Every moment of every day you were on my mind.”

  “How about you? Did you try to forget about me?” I don’t know why he needs this reassurance. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m still completely and hopelessly in love with him.

  “Yes,” I answer honestly, knowing that it was always an impossibility especially given my circumstance.

  “I’m sorry.” The two simple words he utters are packed with so many apologies. I know there are many things that he’s sorry for.

  We sit for the next hour or two, just talking about the advantages of the summer season. I laugh when he tells me that he’s always preferred me in winter because no one else can see my body when I’m bundled up.

  I glance at the time on my phone and realize it’s almost midnight. MJ will probably be up soon for his late night bottle. I guess this is good practice for me. I’ll be a sleep-deprived zombie in another few months.

  “It’s getting late,” I announce, standing slowly, still full from dinner. My hands reach way above my head as I stretch and yawn before realizing my mistake and pulling my t-shirt down to cover my bump. Thankfully, he’s looking down, gathering our coffee cups and dessert dishes.

  He’s been away for so long and my heart is just starting to heal, not because I want it to, but because I have no choice. I need to give my heart, unbroken and wholly, to our baby. She deserves nothing less.

  “This was nice. Thank you.” I hold the door open for him and catch a glimpse of that fabulous backside hidden beneath his jeans.

  He rinses the dishes and cups and puts them in the dishwasher, turning around slowly to meet my gaze. “Thank you for letting me come over. I always have a good time when I’m with you.” His words remind me of our very first nights together so long ago. I wanted nothing more than for him to stay with me, but he had to pick up his kids from Gina’s house and get them to bed. It feels like a lifetime ago.

  With the kitchen tidy, there’s nothing for my nervous hands to do. I want him to stay, but I know I shouldn’t. I pull out my ponytail and knot it into a loose bun, letting my fingers slide down my neck to my necklace.

  “What’s the matter?” he asks seriously.

  “What? Nothing,” I stammer as I lie.

  “Mia. I know you. I know your telltale pull on your necklace. It’s me you’re talking to, remember?” Oh damn. I can’t even lie well anymore. I must look like I’ve lost all capability to speak which I kind of have so I shake my head slightly instead.

  He takes a few long strides toward me, closing the gap until his face is inches away from mine, drawing my eyes downward to his mouth. My tongue slips out to moisten my lips. “Tell me,” he commands.

  “I don’t want you to leave yet,” I answer honestly with whispered words conceding to my heart as my chin drops to my chest.

  His hands cup my face and force me to look at him. What I see reflecting back at me is nothing but raw emotion. He blinks slowly before moving his mouth to meet mine. My lids close over my eyes. He kisses me slowly and reverently, silently telling me that he doesn’t want to go yet either. I feel his lips skate across my face until his forehead rests against mine. “I want to stay with you.”

  “Then stay.” I lazily open my eyes. “Stay the night.” My desire, my need for this man is incredible. No amount of time or distance will ever extinguish what I feel.

  In an instant, my body is lifted up and tossed into a sitting position on the butcher block island and the oversized bag is knocked to the tiled floor. My legs spread slightly, inviting his narrow hips to meet my throbbing core. He pushes his body into mine and runs his hands through my bun, releasing my hair to fall in waves over my shoulders. Our mouths crash into each other, working together to find a way to satiate our desire for one another. I feel his erection stiffen as he deepens the kiss. I pull the back of his head and angle my own. His tongue slides down my neck with frenzy, his lips pecking, his teeth biting gently.

  My legs wrap around his waist, begging for more contact, more friction. My hips thrust of their own accord. My body is desperate. “I need you.” My hand reaches in between our bodies to find the button of his jeans. There is no stopping me. I undo the button with ease and feel the elastic band of his boxers. The tip of his dick is right there. I can feel the hard outline. He continues to suck and lick my neck as I slide my hand into his boxers. My hand grazes alongside his stiffness. My dreams have not been generous enough considering the size of him in my hand. His stiffness hardens more as I veil him in my warm touch. Up and down I stroke, feeling bolder than I have in so long. I reach down to his base and let him glide along my curled fingers and palm. His moans of pleasure encourage me to continue on.

  My legs join my frantic hands to shed him of his pants entirely. “I need you.” I don’t care that I’m breathless and greedy. I know what I want and I want it now. “Please. I need you.”

  His hands tangle in my hair and pull my head back, giving him complete access to my neck as he nibbles and kisses his way to my earlobe. “My beautiful girl needs me.” Warm breath tickles my ears and makes me smile lazily. “She does.”

  A line of kisses stretches across my face until he’s at my other ear. “Does my beautiful girl need all of me?”

  “She does,” Breathlessly, I reply again.

  “Then she shall have me. All of me.” He smashes his lips into mine and steps back out of my reach, his penis at full mast looking delectable.

  “What are you doing?” I reach out for him, trying to pull him back by his t-shirt. “Please I need you.”

  “Mia, do you know how many days and nights I’ve longed to hear those words? I will give you what you need and more.” He looks around at the situation we’ve found ourselves in so many times before in this kitchen. “But not like this.” Brown eyes plead for my understanding. “I want our first time together to be someplace where I can take my time, pay attention to every detail and make love to you all night long over and over again.”

  “Oh, fuck!” I smash my face into my palms and whisper to myself, suddenly feeling completely humiliated. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come onto you like that. It’s just . . .” My hormones are raging out of control!

  “It’s just what?” He adjusts himself and strides over to me
.

  I pull my hands down, steeple my fingers over my mouth and nose and mumble the truth, “You drive me crazy. You always have. I have this insatiable need when I’m with you. Time and distance haven’t changed that. I’ll always feel this way with you whether I want to or not.”

  “You drive me crazier!” He takes my hands away from my face and lowers his face to meet me eye to eye. “I’m not going anywhere. Please tell me you want this. Please tell me you want us.”

  I stare at this man in front of me . . . this man who I love more than anything. This man who terrifies me more than anything. I don’t know if the pounding in my chest is from the fragile pieces of my heart rebuilding or trembling with fear of being broken and shattered even more. “Please tell me you want this,” is all I can hear. Confusion rips through me as my heart and mind battle each other. I reach up, smooth his face, and run my thumb over his lips, wanting nothing more than to lean in and kiss him.

  But a loud piercing scream from the top of the stairs scares the living daylights out of us, causing me to shove him back, jump down and bolt upstairs where I find MJ is screaming bloody murder as hot tears cover his face. Trying to soothe his woes and calm him down, I lift him up and shush him as I walk into the kitchen to warm his bottle. With this baby boy swaddled close against my breasts, I bounce him and send a silent prayer thanking all that is holy for the person who invented this machine when the microwave finally dings.

  “You’re really good with him.” Lowering himself on the couch next to me, Adam’s hand smooths back the baby’s wet hair as I feed him. Minutes pass by in silence except for the sound of MJ’s sucking. “Is it hard for you?”

  My face scrunches in confusion. “Is it hard to bottle feed a baby?” I snort.

  His arm drapes across the back of the couch and tugs at the long strands of my hair. “No. I meant to hold a baby. I know you’ve always wanted to have another baby.”

  Lily. I inhale deeply before answering. Was it hard to watch Shelby go through her pregnancy? Yes. Was it hard to watch her hold her newborn and let him suckle on her breast. Yes. But knowing that I will have the chance soon enough helps me accept it.

  My eyes meet his. “I love this baby. I love that his parents trust me enough to take care of him. I love him as if he were mine.” I lower my mouth and kiss MJ’s head.

  “I love you. I love so much about you.” His tight smile is filled with love and compassion.

  He knows how I feel, but those three little words evaporate like the morning dew before they can fall from my lips so I simply nod.

  I toss the baby over my shoulder to burp him and just like his father he lets out the largest belch ever known to man. Our laughter fills the room.

  “Can I hold him again?” I detect a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

  “You really want to hold him?” I ask to be sure I heard him correctly.

  “I do.” He nods. “I never held my kids when they were this little.” Sadness washes over his face.

  A surge of guilt floods me. I need to tell him that he’s going to be a father again.

  “Sure. He’s pretty heavy, though.” I peel MJ’s body away from mine and hand him over gently. To watch this virile man melt before my eyes is something I will never forget. He sits comfortably against the couch, cradling MJ to his chest. One hand holds his bum and the other covers the baby’s entire back. His lips tip down to kiss MJ’s blond hair and he sniffs lightly. “He smells good. He smells like you.”

  “I gave him a bath earlier.”

  I lean over to sniff for myself and catch his eyes watching me. Our lips are only inches away when he suddenly angles his face to kiss my cheek softly. “I love you.” It’s a warm kiss that sends signals to my entire body. Again.

  His long lashes close, fanning across his eyes, and he sighs quietly. I want to capture this moment and bottle it up forever. He looks so content. He looks so peaceful. I revel in the stillness and beauty before me.

  My hand rises and finds its way to his shorter hair. My fingertips run along the top of his head slowly, dragging around to the front to begin the motion again. He hums his pleasure.

  “I have many regrets in life. There are two that I’ll never get over.” He speaks in a hushed tone as if he doesn’t want to wake the sleeping infant. “You and my kids.”

  A lump instantly forms in my throat, making it difficult to swallow or breathe. How can he regret me? More importantly, how can he say he regrets having his kids? They are his whole life.

  “I regret leaving you. I wish I had been strong enough to face things head on. And my kids . . . I regret that I missed out on their first few years of life.” He kisses the baby’s head again after releasing a deep sigh.

  A mist fills my eyes. I need to open my mouth and utter two little words that will no doubt change the course of our lives forever. “I’m . . .” I can’t do it. God forgive me, but I just can’t. “I’m sorry that you have regrets.” It’s my turn to pull him close and kiss his head.

  Silence permeates throughout the room.

  Soft snoring confirms that he and MJ have both fallen asleep. I reach for my phone and switch it to silent so I can capture the image of him like this.

  “Shhhh . . . I’ve got him,” I whisper as I remove MJ from his hold so I can get his diaper changed and back into his crib for the night. He looks up disoriented and agrees quickly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I smile down at him when in reality I want to lean down and kiss his forehead to smooth out the wrinkle in his brow. “It’s okay.”

  “Where are you going?” He sits up and turns his head to follow me as I walk slowly up the stairs. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

  Adam

  LONG, DARK HAIR and a warm, soft body are pressed against my chest; her hand rests on the part of my stomach where my t-shirt is bunched up and I am completely sure that I have died and gone to Heaven. I blink slowly and force myself to go back to sleep because if this is a dream, I don’t ever want to wake up. Mia is asleep beside me.

  After waiting for what seemed like forever, I came upstairs to find her to say goodnight and tell her that I was leaving. I found her curled up on her bed with MJ in her arms. I didn’t want to wake her so I picked him up as gently as I could and put him in the crib. I knew I should’ve sat in the chair and not settled in next to her, but I couldn’t help it. She looked so beautiful. So peaceful. I wanted to have that just for a few minutes. My intention was just to lie next to her, but when she rolled over, threw her arm and leg around me, I had no choice. I was trapped. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I truly am a selfish bastard.

  “Smile for Momma.” Although I can only hear her whispered words, I know she’s smiling while she talks in her sleep. “There’s my pretty girl.” Her thumb strums along my stomach as if she were stroking a soft cheek. “Mommy and Daddy love you so much.”

  I’m a bit surprised by her words. I’ve heard her talk in her sleep so many times before but she’s never talked about him. Dylan. He was Lily’s father, but Mia always made it a point to never mention him. It’s like she wanted to be a mother and father for her daughter. It saddens me to think that she probably would’ve left him and chosen to raise her baby alone. My eyes sweep the room and I find myself looking up at the ceiling fan and I think of Johanna. She did it alone for almost three years by her own choice. Had he survived, Dylan, along with Gina, would’ve made that choice for Mia.

  I gently pull the long strands of her hair that have a small remnant of her highlights from last year. From the moment I saw her in my rearview mirror, I was drawn to her. I had to have her. Little did I know that she would have me. All of me. Every time I saw her, I knew I couldn’t resist. It wasn’t until she fought against me every step of the way that I become obsessed; I simply had to make her mine. She’s always been so stubborn, so resilient, so strong.

  Noise from the other side of the bed lets me know that a certain baby boy is awake. Carefully, I lift her arm and slide out from unde
r her leg. I want to freeze time right here and now. I lean over and peek in the crib. Big blue eyes sparkle in delight. His gummy, toothless grin puts a goofy, wide-eyed smile on my face as I reach down to pick him up. This kid is a beast. Mia makes it look so easy to carry him around.

  For a moment, I do something I haven’t done since I was a child. I pretend. I pretend this little boy is our son. I pretend that his blond hair is as dark as mine and his blue eyes are brown. I pretend that the beautiful woman sleeping quietly carried a life that we created together and that I was there to watch her push him into this world. All too soon, I am snapped back into reality when I hear her voice whisper, “What are you doing?”

  “I…uh…” I stammer in panic.

  She eyes me suspiciously. “Did you stay last night?”

  I don’t want to lie to her, but she’d be pissed if she knew that I spent the night lying next to her without her permission. I fucking hate that I need permission to lie with the woman I love. “Yeah, I did,” and just as I’m about to offer an explanation, MJ squirms in my arms; I feel the rise of his back as he inhales and starts to cry. Cry is a serious understatement. That boy begins to wail at the top of his lungs.

  “Come here. Give him to me.” She quickly stands up, smiles and reaches for him. “Shoot, I’ve got to pee. Hang on.” MJ’s screams fill the room while Mia rushes into the bathroom. When she returns, her face freshly washed and her hair pulled back, MJ is taken from me. “He’s got quite a temper, this little one.” She settles him in the crook of her neck and sways side to side, shushing him. “He’s hungry and wet.”

  Like a damn puppy dog, I follow her downstairs and watch in awe as she navigates through her kitchen with his diaper bag over her shoulder, warms his bottle, drops a K cup into the machine and lets Brady out. She looks like she’s done this before. She makes it all look so easy.

  “What?” she asks warily when she catches me watching her.

  “Nothing,” I respond. “You’re just really good at this.”

  “It’s not too hard to warm up a bottle.” She smirks playfully.