Whole Lotta Love: Rock Star Hearts - Book #1

by Amity Cross

  Love was darkness. Love was loss. I’d learned that at a young age, but here I was challenging a man at his darkest point, wanting all the things I’d learned would tear me apart. Wanting them with him.

  “Once upon a time, my mum met my dad, they fell in love, and stuff happened,” I began, staring into the fireplace. “Thirty years ago, they locked eyes across a crowded concert hall during the first Byron Bay Bluesfest. He was a trumpet player in a blues band and she was the fawning fan. Love at first sight, or something like it. Five years later, they were still together, so they got married and made me. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there.”

  “What happened?”

  Sebastian had this unnerving way of prying me open with a casual glance, so I didn’t hesitate. “When I was five, my dad decided living wasn’t for him, so he threw his trumpet and himself over a cliff. After that, Mum was never the same. Life was just a series of things she had to do. She lost her joy, her spark, and her ability to love.”

  He was tense, and his expression had changed. The air was heavier, charged with an energy that struck me deep.

  “When I was twenty, she couldn’t hold on any more,” I said. “She died of a broken heart—otherwise known as cardiomyopathy—and I was on my own. Since it was just me and her, I had to deal with the fallout, the town gossip mill, and the contents of her will.”

  I couldn’t lie. Life was tough with her. I grew up as a mother, caring for her, making sure she ate properly, budgeting her money, and ensuring the taxes were paid, and kept the roof over our heads. The only time we seemed to connect was when I worked after school and weekends at the Page Break Bookshop. Books and stories brought us together, and she left me with the last good memory we’d shared. That’s why—when every bone in my body screamed at me to get out of Point Mambie and get a life—I couldn’t give it up.

  “Your bookshop?” Sebastian asked.

  I nodded. “It was hers. Ours.”

  “That’s why you’re still here?”

  “I’m still holding on to my dysfunctional parents, how sad is that?”

  “It’s not sad,” he murmured. “It’s human. You love them.”

  “Love is a terrible thing. It eats you up until there’s nothing left, but people just can’t keep themselves away.”

  Sebastian sat up, his shirt flowing open, and leaned towards me. “You really believe that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Then maybe you should let someone eat you up and see how it feels.”

  I was caught in his smouldering gaze and it took everything I had not to throw myself at him. I wanted him to eat me up. Every last scrap.

  He straightened up, his gaze never leaving mine. Then he leaned forward, closing the space between us until I felt the flutter of his breath against my lips.

  The scent of spice, leather, and whisky washed over me and I swallowed hard. He was on the tail end of a bender, that much was perfectly clear. If he kissed me now, he’d regret it and break my heart. It was already paper thin, and one tiny poke would send me into oblivion.

  “I, uh...” I wet my lips, “I need some water.”

  Sebastian’s eyes narrowed and he leaned back. “Help yourself.”

  I practically shot up from the couch and fled to the kitchen, the space freeing my lungs. I sucked in a deep breath and put my palms on the cool marble countertop, desperately chasing the heat of desire away.

  There were glasses on an open shelf behind me, so I turned my back to the living room and took one down, my gaze resting on Sebastian’s reflection in the mirrored splash back. A familiar pang of fear tugged at my heart. I was on the edge and he’d chew me up and spit me out.

  A plastic bag sat on the counter and I peeked inside. A receipt was floating around, as was a packet of ibuprofen.

  I didn’t come here to sleep with him. Okay, so maybe a part of me hoped that’s where this would lead, but it was reckless. Sebastian Hale couldn’t give me what I wanted. He had this whole life in the spotlight and I didn’t even know what I wanted to be. Without the Page Break, I didn’t have anything, and considering how awful I was at keeping a little shop like that afloat, I was pretty terrible at life in general. Who was I to think I could capture a rock star’s heart? His cock, maybe, but his heart? I was delusional.

  Sighing, I filled a glass with water and grabbed the packet of tablets from the bag. He needed this more than I did.

  As I rounded the end of the couch, he looked up, watching my approach.

  I set the glass of water on the coffee table in front of him and put the packet of headache tablets beside it. It was deliberate and there was no way he could miss the fact that this was my closing statement on the almost-kiss subject.

  His fingers wrapped around my wrist and I sucked in a sharp breath.

  “Juniper.”

  “Drink this,” I said, my voice wavering. “All of it. And take something for your headache.”

  “I don’t have a headache.”

  “You will.” My gaze shifted towards the front of the house, where my jacket was hanging by the front door. “And don’t forget to eat something.”

  Sebastian tugged on my wrist, and before I knew what was happening, I was straddling his lap, my core pressing against his. I gasped, my lips brushing his cheek. My fingers ached as I imagined caressing his neck and burying them in his hair. I felt my arousal throbbing as his hands grasped my waist, our unexpected embrace fanning the growing lust inside my body.

  It wasn’t the only thing I could feel. He was just as excited as I was, and I started to tremble, wondering how I was going to take it all. Oh fuck, I was in trouble.

  “Juniper.” My name was a plea on his lips.

  “Don’t,” I whispered, wanting nothing more than to devour the man underneath me, to feel him inside me, to taste him on my tongue, to strip him raw. “I don’t think I could survive you.”

  His grip on my waist tightened and he grunted.

  “Sebastian.”

  “I’m not that guy,” he whispered. He leaned back just enough so he could look at me. “I’m sorry.”

  I nodded slightly, chiding myself for feeling disappointed that things hadn’t gone farther. I was doing the right thing. If I’d let him touch me, it’d be a meaningless fuck and tomorrow I’d be just another notch among many. He wanted me for all the wrong reasons.

  The moment I climbed off him, my body ached at the loss of his touch and I sighed.

  “See ya,” I said. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

  Turning, I left him on the couch, not knowing if it was a goodbye for now or goodbye forever.

  I didn’t go back to the Page Break straight away. I went to the beach and sat on the sand, watching the clouds swirl overhead, contemplating my life choices. It was raining over the ocean and sheets of water spilled from the sky, smudging across the horizon.

  What did Juniper Rowe want? She didn’t want ‘just for now,’ she wanted forever.

  Sebastian Hale was just a storm blowing through town, leaving a path of destruction wherever he went. It wasn’t like he meant to, it was just who he was. Beautiful, haunted, magnetic.

  He was too much for a small-town girl like me and that was that.

  9

  Juniper

  The weather had turned again.

  Outside, the rain pelted down in heavy sheets and battered everything in its path, hammering on the awning over the front of the shop. Vanessa and Ziggy appeared, rushing out of the weather and into the rectangle of dryness on the footpath. The little Jack Russell shook, spraying droplets in every direction.

  “Ziggy!” Vanessa shrieked, holding out her hands in a futile attempt to shield herself.

  I stood as the door opened, holding out a towel to catch Ziggy before he zoomed past. Grabbing his collar, I rubbed him dry, doing my best to ignore the melancholy ache in my chest.

  Yesterday had been one intense mind-fuck. Sebastian was an enigma wrapped in an enigma, and I saw all kinds of parallel
s between him and my father. I hardly knew my dad, but from what I’d learned from other people, he was much the same. A different face for every occasion.

  I roughed Ziggy up once more with the towel before letting him dart to his bed underneath the counter. Lazy sod.

  “Hey,” Vanessa said, hanging up her damp coat. “What shit weather, huh? How was yesterday?”

  When she saw the look on my face, she didn’t press. She was crazy, had zero filter, and was a lover of gossip, but when the cards were on the table and they were all shit, she knew exactly when to lock down the cone of silence.

  “What happened?”

  “Everything could’ve happened,” I replied, folding up the towel. “I could’ve slept with him, but what then?”

  “You’d have fond memories from the time you bagged a rock star for the night.”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m not like that. You know I’m not. I want all-consuming love, just like my mother did.” I wanted a love that’d kill me. It was sad and masochistic and part of my DNA, it seemed.

  Vanessa knew better than to press me when I had my head shoved this far into the sand. Instead, she asked, “Have you seen this?”

  “Seen what?”

  Snatching a magazine from her coat pocket, she opened it and handed it to me. It was bent in half and wrinkly from the rain, but it hadn’t washed away the words from the article she wanted me to see. Sebastian Hale: MIA. Has the rock star life finally ruined its leading man?

  “What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked, my throat constricting.

  “They’re offering a reward for information.”

  “I know I need the money, but shit.” I tossed the magazine onto the counter in a huff. I was all over the place—my heart was battered and everything was spinning—but I’d never sell Sebastian out to a tabloid, even if the Page Break was on hard times. It just didn’t mesh with my moral compass.

  Besides, I didn’t have any beef with the guy. He didn’t do anything I didn’t ask for. The moment I said no, he’d let me go.

  “I didn’t mean sell him out,” Vanessa said with a pout. “I thought you might want to warn him.”

  “I’m sure he knows.”

  “If I recognised him, it’s only a matter of time before someone twigs at the pub or the supermarket, or on the street corner. They ask for an autograph or a selfie, then it’s straight to that rag for the ten grand.”

  “Ten thousand dollars?” My mouth fell open.

  The most money I’d ever had at once was three grand and that was only in my bank account—I’d never seen that much money in person. Ten thousand dollars was nothing to big city people. That kind of cash flow could keep the Page Break afloat over this winter and the next. Small-town blues, small-town rent.

  “I didn’t even know that was a thing,” I added, my anger fading into something a little more like disappointment. “People sell each other out like that?”

  “Gossip is big business,” Vanessa said. “Anyway, I’m sure you’re right. He probably knows what he’s doing. I mean, he must get followed around all the time. It’s a side-effect from being famous. Everyone wants a slice, you know?”

  Real life was calling, and it wanted its rock star back.

  When it came down to it, I didn’t really know anything about Sebastian—two weeks was nothing in the grand scheme of things. He hadn’t told me anything substantial about his ‘disappearance,’ which made me feel a little better about not sleeping with him yesterday.

  Sebastian Hale had this grand life, full of fans, music, touring, family and friends, sordid love affairs, and on- and off-again superstar girlfriends. There was no place for me in it, and there was certainly nothing in my existence I could compare it to. He had all these things—love and adoration—so why did he need me?

  “What does it say?” I nodded towards the magazine.

  “The article?” Vanessa rolled her eyes. “Don’t believe anything those rags say, Juni. It’s all allegedly this, allegedly that. ‘A source close to the star...’ What a load of bullshit.”

  “I still want to read it.” I reached for the magazine, but Vanessa snatched it away from me.

  “Nuh ah,” she scolded. “What’s going on, Juni? Do you really care about him?”

  I scowled and ran my fingers through my hair. “How could I care about a drunk rock star who’s in the middle of an existential crisis?”

  “That’s a lot of important things to know about someone.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “You’re in a spin, Juni. Take the rock star out of the equation and look at the man.”

  Outside, the rain had eased. I stared at the grass across the street, counting the sparkles as a lone sliver of sunshine tracked across the landscape.

  “He came here for a reason,” she went on. “That’s all I’m saying.”

  I blinked, not sure which was the mask—the man or the rock star.

  “Let’s go out for dinner tonight,” Vanessa commanded. “The pub, six o’clock. I’ll bring Hugo. He’s always good to laugh at.”

  “Huh?”

  “Oh, Juni,” she said with a sigh. “You need a beer, girl.”

  The Mariner’s Arms was the town’s hottest spot on a Friday night. Technically, it was the only spot other than the pizzeria and fish ‘n’ chip shop. It had everything a young person who wanted a fun night out could want—pokie machines, cheap beer, a plastic playground, and greasy counter meals.

  I sat across the table from Vanessa and Hugo in the bistro, picking at the salad on my plate. Electronic beeps and cheerful music rang out from the pokies behind us, and the dull roar of a group of local guys watching the Friday night Aussie Rules footy match—Essendon versus West Coast—on the big screen in the lounge echoed from the right.

  The magazine article still bothered me. Sebastian still bothered me. Life... well, you catch my drift.

  “Yo, Earth to Juni.” Hugo waved his hand in front of my face to get my attention.

  “Huh?” I straightened up and blinked, shucking off my dreamy state.

  “You gonna eat those?” He nodded at the unfinished hot chips on my plate.

  “Hugo!” Vanessa exclaimed slapping her husband on the arm.

  “Ow! I just don’t want good chips to go to waste. There’s starving people all over the world, you know.”

  “You’re so insensitive!”

  I was hardly listening to their bickering. I’d spied an oddly familiar male silhouette by the bar and hope soared in my foolish heart.

  He was wearing a dark grey hoodie underneath a black leather jacket, with the hood pulled up over his head, obscuring him from the rest of the pub. Something inside me zinged at the sight of him. It was Sebastian, it had to be. Either that, or there was finally a crack in my carefully guarded sanity and all hell was breaking loose.

  “Oh, just bloody go and talk to him,” Vanessa said with a sigh.

  “Talk to who?” Hugo asked, stuffing a chip into his mouth.

  I shoved my plate towards him and threw Vanessa a look.

  “Go,” she said. “I have a feeling he’s a limited-time appearance around here.”

  As I approached him, I was beginning to think I had heart problems. Mum had died from cardiomyopathy, so maybe it was a hereditary thing... or it was probably just nerves getting the better of me. My mouth was dry, my head was spinning, and my palms were all sweaty. All signs I was crushing on a boy who was way out of my league.

  I slid onto the stool beside him, catching his reflection in the mirror behind the shelves of liquor. Thankfully I’d been right, and I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself in front of a stranger.

  Sebastian angled his head towards me, his fingers tightening around his pint of beer. It was a cheap and cheerful way to get drunk, and I was a little surprised he hadn’t gone for the top shelf stuff.

  “Some rain we’re having,” he said when it was clear the words had stuck in my throat.

  Shit, why had I come over here
again? After I’d left the beach house yesterday, it was clear I’d ended things. I mean, when you say no to implied sex, isn’t that a classic ‘thanks but no thanks?’ I was terrible at relationships, which was why I hadn’t had any.

  “I didn’t think you’d still be here,” I said.

  “Why not?”

  I shrugged and tucked my hair behind my ear. “There was an article in a tabloid—”

  “You read those rags?” he asked. “Really?”

  “No, Vanessa gave it to me,” I retorted with a scowl. “They’re offering money for information about you.”

  Sebastian snorted and rolled his eyes. “That’s nothing new. They do it all the time.”

  “Oh, good.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Good?”

  “Warning you was futile and unnecessary.”

  “That’s some scowl on your face.” He leaned closer, his hoodie falling back.

  “Aren’t you afraid someone will recognise you?” I glanced around the pub, but no one was looking at us. Yet.

  Sebastian took a swig of his beer and set the glass down, licking his lips. My breath caught and my eyes involuntarily followed his movement. Everything that man did had sexual undertones. Everything.

  “Tell me this, Juniper,” his stormy gaze met mine, “if I wasn’t here, would you have come to the beach house to warn me?”

  I would’ve been too embarrassed to go back after borderline creaming in his lap, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. “Complicated has nothing on you,” I murmured. I was so far in over my head I couldn’t see the surface.

  “I told you I was fucked up.”

  “Okay,” I said, pushing to my feet. “I can’t keep doing this with you.”

  “Doing what?”

  “The fucked up dance,” I declared and strode back to the table where Vanessa and Hugo were fighting over the chips on my plate. “I’m going home.”

  Vanessa glanced over her shoulder. “What did he say to you?”

  “Nothing. I just want to go home.”

  “Is someone giving you trouble, Juni?” Hugo asked. “I’ll punch the shit outta them if you want. Just point the finger.”