Bittersweet Ecstasy

by Taylor, Janelle

  The two men’s gazes locked and spoke, then both smiled, as if amused by some private joke. Gray Eagle remarked, “If we had ridden and lived as brothers long ago, our white foes would number less in our lands. You are cunning and powerful, my brother, for you escaped the Bird of Death. During these many past winters, our people could have used your skills.”

  Powchutu grinned and responded, “If I had known the truth of our bloods and your forgiveness, I would have returned long ago. My heart fills with excitement and pride to call you brother and chief. I could die this sun a happy man. I will speak of my survival and of life far away.”

  Powchutu repeated the account of how he had survived Jeffery Gordon’s murder attempt, which left him with amnesia for over a year. “For six weeks I was tended by Dr. Thomas Devane and his widowed daughter Sarah Anne Sims. They were good people, but I was too hurt and confused to think much about them at that time. When I was strong enough to travel, the man named Frenchy sold me to a Spanish sea captain, but my enslavement didn’t last long. Two weeks out of port we were attacked by pirates and I was given the choice of sinking with the ship or joining up with them. Since I didn’t remember my past, I became a pirate. You don’t know how strange and scary it is to have no memory.” Gray Eagle and Shalee exchanged looks which said they were acquainted with that fear because of her bout with amnesia in 1782. Powchutu went on to explain ships, voyages, and pirates to the Indian chief.

  “I sailed with them for six months, robbing and killing innocent people, always fighting and watching my back. Finally I reached a point where I couldn’t stomach that life anymore. I jumped ship near an American port that September. The only people and place I could remember were New Orleans and the Devanes. I made my way there, hoping they could help me find myself and peace. Tom’s daughter was very special, with gentle hands and ways and soft brown eyes and hair. Plenty of men wanted her, but she took a liking to me, thank goodness. She had married the man her father chose, Matthew Sims, and he’d died three months after their marriage, killed by a thief for a cheap watch and a few coins.”

  Powchutu’s voice and expression softened visibly as he reflected on this area of his past. “Sarah Anne had made him a good wife, but she hadn’t loved him and they didn’t have any children. She had been a widow for two years when I first met her. We got real close, real fast, and I guess that scared me. Since I didn’t know who or what I was, but surely knew what I had been for months, I felt I had nothing to offer her and I was afraid of hurting her. I took off to sea again just before Christmas. I didn’t know I left her carrying my child. Seems that wasn’t the first time I made that cruel mistake,” he scoffed remorsefully as he thought of Mary O’Hara and their dead child.

  Shalee noticed the bittersweet love and sadness which mingled in the man’s eyes and voice as he spoke of Sarah Anne Devane Sims. She knew there was more to this part of his story, but she also knew not to press him. She passed Powchutu some water to wet his dry throat and lips. He thanked her, then continued his enlightening tale.

  “Just before we reached port on our return voyage that spring, a terrible storm struck and I was thrown against the ship’s hull. My head was bleeding and throbbing like crazy. One of the sailors made his way to me and asked, ‘You hurt, Williams?’ I just stared at him as he kept calling me Paul Williams, and everything in my past started coming back as fast and furious as those waves were crashing over the ship. I realized that damned Frenchy who had shanghaied and sold me had known who I was, or who he believed I was, Alisha Williams’ brother. Lordy, some men are devils! I would have slit his miserable throat if someone hadn’t done it before I could get to him, just like you did to Gordon.”

  Gray Eagle nodded as he recalled that momentous trip to kill the man who had set a bounty on his head, a man who had bought and sold bloody Indian souvenirs, as he called scalps, and possessions from brutally butchered warriors. He glanced at his wife and smiled, knowing that confrontation had resulted in them being reunited. She was still as beautiful and desirable as she had been at their first meeting. It did not matter that they were in their sixties, they still made passionate love upon their sleeping mat. He could not imagine life without her; she was his air, his heart, his joy, food for his soul.

  Powchutu observed the look and felt the bond which was between them. His heart warmed, and he knew each of them had found the right destiny. If only his cherished wife still lived…

  “After we weathered the storm and reached port, I went to see Sarah Anne to tell her I had regained my memory and I had to go rescue my sister Alisha. My gut was crawling with fear; I dared not imagine what Gordon had done to you. When I realized Sarah Anne was carrying our child, I married her, left her my money, asked Tom to watch over her, then headed out after you. With a little snooping around, I realized what had happened. I sneaked to your camp and watched you two for a few days. I could see you were happy and safe, so I returned to New Orleans and my new family. Our daughter was born in late August; we named her Alisha Gaston, since I was using the name my father gave me, Tanner Gaston. By then, I had told Sarah Anne all there was to know about me.”

  A hearty laugh came forth as Powchutu remarked, “She knew every mean and bad thing I had done, but loved me anyway. She really changed me over the years, for the better. I had a family to take care of, so I went back to sea to earn a living. It was the only thing I could do in that area. I sailed ten months and stayed home two months of each year, until my son Stede was born in ‘86. My family was the most important thing to me, so I found work in port. I ran a shipping firm until I earned enough to buy it. Stede owns it now,” he divulged proudly.

  Powchutu’s eyes became dreamy for a while as he thought about his family, a family he knew he would never see again. “We were real happy and doing good with our business. By 1803, America was annoyed because the Spanish wouldn’t let her ships use their ports; she solved her problem by buying the entire area, called it the Louisiana Purchase. That’s what sent those explorers into this area, the ones you said Bright Arrow traveled with and earned his way home.” That land sale was intriguing to Shalee and Gray Eagle, so Powchutu explained its meaning. “I sailed with the Spanish to help America fight the British in ‘79. But America wasn’t finished with her old enemy. My son Stede went back to war in ‘12 when America and Britain fought for three more years.” Powchutu then explained, at Shalee’s request, the War of 1812 with her motherland before returning to his personal history.

  “I was a lucky man to have found Sarah Anne. Stede is thirty-four, but his ship’s his first love. I was hoping he would be settled down by now, but he’s too adventurous and hot-blooded like I was. My girl Alisha is married to Wesley Clarion. They live in New Orleans and Wes runs the firm for Stede. They have four children, from thirteen to twenty-two, two boys and two twin girls. Their oldest boy Allan is Stede’s first mate. My Sarah Anne died two years ago, and I’ve been lonely and restless ever since she was taken from me. My children know all about me, or we thought they did, so they know why I had to come here. Like me, they know we’ve been together for the last time. I surely do miss being young and strong and happy,” he confessed.

  Shalee looked at Gray Eagle as he looked at Powchutu. Both men were the son of a chief. Both had lost their first child. Both had loved and wanted her. Both had found happiness, love, and peace, despite their losses and perils. Both had found what they had been denied at their births, to meet and to get to know each other. Both had changed and matured.

  “There is another reason why I had to return to these lands,” Powchutu revealed a new mystery. “After the birth of my son, I knew for certain the Great Spirit was guiding my steps. While I was helping Sarah Anne into a fresh nightgown, I saw something I had not noticed on her body before that night, the akito of Black Cloud. The Great Spirit had guided me to the real Shalee and joined our Life-circles. It was shocking to realize Alisha was living as Shalee when I was married to the real Shalee. I wish you two could have known her. Tom an
d Clara did a good job raising Black Cloud’s daughter. I told her the truth about herself; I felt she should know who she really was. We both decided it was best if we didn’t return here and cause new problems or dangers for anyone, but Shalee died wishing she had seen her father again. I brought her body home to rest near Black Cloud’s on the land where she was born. Now all is right and they are at peace. I’m not angry about Running Wolfs silence. If he had claimed me, look what I would have missed in life. Every event, good or bad, pushed me toward my true destiny.”

  “It is so, my brother, many times our lives or the lives of those we love have crossed each other. It is good the Great Spirit mated the son of Running Wolf to the daughter of Black Cloud. It is good her spirit now roams the ghost trail with her father’s. But we must keep such news hidden in our hearts. Times are bad, and it might cause trouble if my people learn we deceived them about my wife for these many winters. This is a perilous time when I must have their complete trust and confidence. Until we cease to breathe, Alisha Williams must live as Shalee, for this claim harms no one.”

  Powchutu agreed. “I will do all you say, my brother. My heart is no longer bitter and my mind no longer dark. Our war has ended for all time.”

  Gray Eagle focused his attention on the major problem at hand. “Many will see how our faces try to reflect each other’s, but few, if any, will recall you as the scout who battled me so many winters past. Those who saw you as a half-breed foe no longer walk Mother Earth, nor will others remember when or where our paths crossed. We must not stain the honor and memory of our father by revealing his black deed against you. We must speak only as many true words as are safe. You will live here as the son of Running Wolf and Tamarra, but she will be a Cheyenne love, lost to him through trading before he could claim her as his wife. From this day forward, you will be claimed halfOglala and half-Cheyenne. No one must be told of your Crow blood, for we battle them as fiercely as we battle the whites. You will be named Eagle’s Arm, and you will live and ride with me. We will say your mother told you the secret of your birth when she died and you have returned to our people. We will say you have lived far to the south of our lands, which is true. We will not speak the name of Powchutu again, for you are no longer that half-breed scout. Only that truth which can hurt or destroy will be left unspoken. We will tell no one of such secrets except White Arrow and my sons. You are home, my brother, and Running Wolf’s spirit can rest.”

  Powchutu concurred with his half brother’s decisions. He would live as Eagle’s Arm, half brother to Chief Gray Eagle. He would tell no one of his deceased wife Shalee, who had been born half-white and halfBlackfeet. But with the discovery of his true identity, a reality had filled his mind: his children were threefourths Indian. It did not matter to Powchutu, but the truth was his son Stede carried more Indian blood and a higher birthright rank than either of Gray Eagle’s sons. He must find a way to send a letter to Stede and Alisha to let them know he was safe and well, and to, perhaps, tell them of their true heritage. He was not embittered by the fact Gray Eagle was living, and had lived, in his rightful place; yet, he could not help but wonder what his life would have been like if he had been raised as Running Wolf’s first-born son and Gray Eagle’s brother.

  “Come,” Gray Eagle suggested, “we must speak with White Arrow before my sons return and your story must be told again.”

  Shalee watched the two men enter White Arrow’s tepee, and she could imagine the scene taking place. An hour later, she was heading for the stream to fetch water when the Cheyenne war chief Windrider and his eldest son Soul-of-Thunder galloped into the Oglala camp, with her son Bright Arrow riding between them. She smiled as she envisioned her granddaughter Tashina’s reaction to her father’s visitors, one in particular.

  The moment Shalee returned from the stream, Tashina rushed inside Gray Eagle’s tepee and nervously disclosed, “Grandmother, Father brought Windrider and Soul-of-Thunder to visit and I have no fruit pones and berry wine to offer them. Father is too generous at times, for he has given away most of our winter supplies. I am glad spring is here and I can soon collect more food for us and our guests. What must I do and say?” she asked anxiously, for hospitality was important in the Indian culture, just as charity was. But presently, all Tashina could think about was that she had no refreshments to serve their company.

  Even as her seventeen-year-old granddaughter softly scolded her kindhearted father, Shalee knew the girl loved and respected Bright Arrow deeply and would never complain within his hearing. She was aware that her son’s hand opened freely to those in need, and that quality warmed her heart. Yet, she knew that Bright Arrow must learn it was not his duty to care for all those in need. As his father aged, Bright Arrow had taken on certain responsibilities of a good chief to lighten Gray Eagle’s load. The same was true of Sun Cloud, who often hunted all day to provide game for those who had no husband or son or father. She was proud of her two sons and of their sensitivity.

  Shalee realized the young girl knew these facts and was flustered only because of one particular visitor. “Do not fret, Granddaughter. I will give you all the fruit pones your men can stuff into their mouths and all the berry wine they can drink. You must calm yourself, little one, or they will wonder why Tashina’s cheeks glow like the evening sun and why her hands shake and her voice quivers when she speaks.”

  Tashina laughed and teased, “You have more eyes than two, Grandmother, and you see all things. I do not understand why he causes my heart to race so wildly and my face to burn so brightly when he is near, and I try to halt such silly behavior. I do not want him to think badly of me for running out of supplies before the new growing season appears. Father worries more about the mouths of others than of those in his tepee. Perhaps I should hide our new supplies from his giving hands next season,” she hinted mirthfully, knowing she would not.

  “Perhaps you will not live and work in your father’s tepee next season,” Shalee retorted mischievously as she embraced Tashina.

  Tashina’s smile faded. “He fills my heart with worry, Grandmother. He will not face the truth of mother’s death. He must look for another mate to fill his heart and life. I would risk all perils to return Mother to his side, but the Great Spirit has taken her from us. If Mother still lived, she would have returned to us by now or she would have found a way to send a message of her survival and location. I do not wish Father to join another, but he needs peace and help before I leave his side. He must face the truth; Mother is lost to us forever.”

  Shalee advised solemnly, “Do not burden your heart and shoulders caring for your father, little one. When he is ready, he will cast his eyes upon another. Do not live your life as his. You are beautiful and your time for choosing a mate draws near. Perhaps your father would make his choice sooner if he did not have you to help him.” The moment Shalee said those words, she regretted them. She felt she must be honest, so she revealed, “I understand why he hesitates, little one; he does not believe Wahea is dead and lost to him forever, as I do not believe this to be true. No one has seen her or heard words about her since she vanished from our forest as Mother Earth renewed her face before this past winter. I do not understand why she was lost to us, but I pray for her safety and return. She is strong and brave; she will battle this defeat to be reunited with her loved ones. If only she had taken others with her to gather the medicine herbs so far from camp, then we would know what enemy captured her and we would know where to seek her, but we do not. It is as if Mother Earth opened her mouth and swallowed Wahea, for no trace or clue was found. A full span of seasons has passed since she was lost, but do not give up hope. Perhaps she will return as mysteriously as she vanished. Let Bright Arrow wait for your mother a while longer, but do not lose your dreams while he sleeps restlessly.”

  “I am glad you spoke such brave words, Grandmother. The words in Tashina’s mouth do not agree with those in her heart. I fear if I chase my new life, Father will lose hope in a tepee alone and he will also pursue a new
one for himself. I must not fail Mother and Father during this time of separation. Some braves and warriors have come to me to seek a joining, but none who stir my heart and body to accept.”

  “What of the son of Windrider? Is he not the one who brings that sparkle to your eyes? He is a good man like his father, and it is unwise to lead a rare man on a chase too long. Does his heart race and his eyes glow when he looks at Tashina?” the older woman asked seriously.

  Tashina flushed and lowered her lashes. “I do not know, Grandmother. Is it wrong to say, I hope your words are true?”

  Shalee’s green eyes softened with understanding and affection. “No, little one, that is how it should be between two special people. Go, serve them berry wine and fruit pones, then return and we will prepare the evening meal together. First, send your father to me. There is something I must tell him.”

  A look of worry filled the young girl’s eyes. “Is there danger in the wind, Grandmother?” she asked as she watched Shalee intently.

  Shalee smiled encouragingly. “No, little one. I have happy news which must be shared with my son before others. Stay with your guests until he returns to his tepee. I will tell you all while we cook.”

  Tashina accepted the bag of wine and pouch of fruit pones, smiled, and left her grandmother’s tepee. Shalee sat down and waited for her eldest son. News of the man who had once almost ruined his life should come from her. How she wished Rebecca were here to meet this man whom her mother had loved so long ago, whose child she could have been. Again, she prayed for Rebecca’s safe and speedy return. If only this dark mystery did not surround Rebecca’s disappearance last spring… if only there were clues to inspire hope or to lead them to her… Bright Arrow needed his lost love, and Tashina needed her mother’s guidance during this period in her life. Things were changing so rapidly these days, and Shalee could not imagine what the new sun would bring.